What would you do? BM shoes

tigersgirlgv · August 2014

Hi Ladies,

I am a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in October. Last week she finally decided on the shoes she wants us to wear. (I know that she shouldn't dictate shoe without paying for them, that ship has sailed). I told her that I had a firm budget, as the dress/alterations are already over budget. The shoes she chose are over my budget and she graciously offered to pay the difference.

I am grateful for her offer, however it feels weird to ask her to write me a check for the portion of the shoes. I need to try them on, so I can't just have her order them for me and mail her a check for the amount within my budget. It just seems awkward all around. My other option is to return the wedding gift I had already purchased and get something new that is less expensive by the amount the shoes are over. Then I could just tell her that the shoes are fine and not to worry about the extra cost. That sort of feels like giving her what she wants without and makes it seem OK that she went over budget, so I think I'm leaning towards taking her up on her offer to fund the difference.

What would you do? And how to do I respond to her offer to pay the difference?

AprilH81 · August 2014

Can you find similar shoes that are less expensive? If your dress is long I doubt anyone will notice (actually, no one will notice even if the dress is short).

wandajune6 · August 2014

What happens if the shoes don't fit? This is the problem I see with assigning a type of shoe to be worn. Are all of the other BMs in agreement on the wardrobe rules?

In your situation, I'd rather try to wiggle out of the shoes than deal with other weirdness.

Otherwise, how I handle it depends on how expensive the shoes are. If it's $20, take it out of her gift. If it's $50, that's a huge portion of the gift and I'd see if I could either get out of wearing the shoes she picked or try them on in a store then have him order them.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

If she already went over your budget on the dress choice, I don't know that I would call her offer "gracious." I would tell her that you're uncomfortable committing to shoes that you haven't tried on, and see if you can get her to budge at all. Maybe find a pair that's as close as you can find, within budget, and see if you can talk her into letting you wear those.

She seems pretty materialistic to be so set on a certain pair of expensive shoes, so I'd worry that she wouldn't put 2 and 2 together and realize "oh, she took $50 from my gift instead of having me pay the $50 for her shoes;" she'll probably just think "what a cheap betch, after I offered to help with for her shoes!" I wouldn't want my cousin feeling that way about me when I gave as much as I could.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

At this point, it's not just the shoes that are over your budget. You've paid more for dress and alternations too. So I agree with PPs that the best course of action would be to see if you can find a cheaper pair of similar shoes (or to find the must-have shoes on Ebay or something). I also agree with lolo that while docking her gift sounds practical, she probably won't notice. But if that's what you're left with to regain your budget, I think it's fine.

tigersgirlgv · August 2014

Yeah, that's why I wasn't really keen on taking the amount off the gift, I'm sure she wouldn't realize that's what's going on.

I already tried sending her pics of shoes that are the right color that I already have in my closet and was shot down. I know that etiquette says she should have to pay for them if she wants matching shoes, but there's not really a good way to say that, especially since the other girls are on board. Note to lurkers: This is an example of why you think your family/friends won't say anything about your etiquette breaches, but are not happy...

I'll try finding them online somewhere cheaper and if I can't find them, I guess I'll take her up on her offer.

Thanks for your advice. Throughout the process of being a bridesmaid, I'm learning a lot about how I will do my wedding!

Maggie0829 · August 2014

tigersgirlgv said:

Yeah, that's why I wasn't really keen on taking the amount off the gift, I'm sure she wouldn't realize that's what's going on.
I already tried sending her pics of shoes that are the right color that I already have in my closet and was shot down. I know that etiquette says she should have to pay for them if she wants matching shoes, but there's not really a good way to say that, especially since the other girls are on board. Note to lurkers: This is an example of why you think your family/friends won't say anything about your etiquette breaches, but are not happy...
I'll try finding them online somewhere cheaper and if I can't find them, I guess I'll take her up on her offer.
Thanks for your advice. Throughout the process of being a bridesmaid, I'm learning a lot about how I will do my wedding!

Honestly, I would tell her that you unfortunately cannot afford the shoes that she picked. You have already gone over budget for the dress and you shouldn't have to go even more over budget for the shoes. If she really wants you to have these shoes then she should order them in the size you think will work. When they come in, try them on. If they don't fit then she needs to send them back and order a different size. And she should cover the entire cost of the shoes.

ashley8918 · August 2014

Just out of curiosity, do you mind sharing what shoes she has asked you to purchase? Is it something crazy/out there where you couldn't just buy a similar shoe? (i.e. canary yellow wedges with a pink polka dot satin bow, or something else super-specific) or is is a more basic shoe like a black strappy heel, nude pump, etc?

tigersgirlgv · August 2014

I would do that, Maggie, but when she started looking at shoes I told her I'd like to wear something from my closet, but if she was dead set on us wearing the same, by budget was xyz. So I feel like I can't really go back on the amount I already stated I could spend.

They're pretty specific, they're black with little gems/jewels all over them. I don't think I'd be able to find anything similar.

QueerFemme · August 2014

I would go try on the shoes, and make sure you have the size correct and send her your size information and have her buy them.

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

I would say I bought the shoes, and then just not wear them the day of the wedding.

My sister was in a wedding where they had specific shoes they were supposed to wear. She broke her toe the week before and wasn't able to wear them, and just wore a similar color flip flop. I don't think the bride cared.

huskypuppy14 · August 2014

Ladies, I think we should write an etiquette book that called: No One Gives a Shit about your Bridesmaids' Shoes.

tigersgirlgv · August 2014

I literally have a word document titled, "10 ways to make your bridesmaids hate you: And 10 ways to treat them like your best friends and not crap." I think it will be a best-seller.

mysticl · August 2014

wandajune6 said:

What happens if the shoes don't fit? This is the problem I see with assigning a type of shoe to be worn. Are all of the other BMs in agreement on the wardrobe rules?

In your situation, I'd rather try to wiggle out of the shoes than deal with other weirdness.

Otherwise, how I handle it depends on how expensive the shoes are. If it's $20, take it out of her gift. If it's $50, that's a huge portion of the gift and I'd see if I could either get out of wearing the shoes she picked or try them on in a store then have him order them.

This. There are some shoes that just don't fit some people. The right size in a specific shoe just doesn't exist for that person. I've had that happen. I try on my "size" and it's too big, next size down is too small or vice versa.

blabla89 · August 2014

Call me passive, but I would completely avoid the subject until the wedding day (or say something vague like, "Yes! I got shoes!") and show up wearing similar but less expensive shoes. If the bride has time to even care about your shoes on her wedding day, that's her problem.

lc07 · August 2014

Can you go to a store and try the shoes on and then tell her,

"Hey Friend! I tried the shoes on at XYZ store, I'm a size 7.5, thanks so much for covering the cost of the shoes. Let me know when you pick them up, I can come by and grab them from you or you can just bring them on the wedding day. If you'd rather we go together to get them when we go out next Thursday, that works, too."

lc07 · August 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

Ladies, I think we should write an etiquette book that called: No One Gives a Shit about your Bridesmaids' Shoes.

We can sell it during commercials for our Sloth Farm Reality Show. Love it.

IMathlete · August 2014

I thought I was being amenable by just asking my maids to wear silver shoes. By the time the wedding approached, they could have been wearing clown shoes for all I cared. I have no helpful advice for OP, just hoping other brides will see that the BM shoes just don't matter. For what it's worth, my maids wore knee length dresses, and I still couldn't tell you what shoes a single one wore.

daria24 · August 2014

I always think the brides who dictate a specific shoe must have the easiest feet on the planet and have no idea what it is like to try to find a pair of heels that you can A. walk in and B. don't hurt like a mofo. If it were me? I would tell her tough shit I'm finding my own black/nude/silver/ gold whatever color shoes that fit my style and my feet. I'm training for a marathon, no way in hell am I risking injury for your vision, I will be in flats thank you. But you probably are not as blunt as I am. In which case I would try on the shoes and tell her to order them if she wants them that badly. Although I would be tempted to just say you got it covered and then show up in whatever similar shoes you find in your budget. Because no one gives a shit about the bridesmaids' shoes.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

tigersgirlgv said:

I would do that, Maggie, but when she started looking at shoes I told her I'd like to wear something from my closet, but if she was dead set on us wearing the same, by budget was xyz. So I feel like I can't really go back on the amount I already stated I could spend.

They're pretty specific, they're black with little gems/jewels all over them. I don't think I'd be able to find anything similar.

You shouldn't pay for those shoes. "Hi cousin, Sorry to tell you but I've re-evaluated my budget and will be unable to spend what I told you I could earlier on shoes. I would feel terrible to ask you to pay for the full pair of shoes for me. So I'm just going to wear another pair that I have that fits the parameters of the shoes you want us to wear. We all have long dresses, so I don't think anyone will notice that mine are slightly different."

I've been in the position as a BM where I have had to stand up for my financial bottom line. A MOH was demanding $100 pp for a group gift. I was already stretching my budget for the shower and could go no more. It was such a relief to tell her no! I don't regret that for a minute. Don't overburden yourself!

What would you do? BM shoes

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