FMIL upset that her & FFIL's names aren't on the invitation... did I do something wrong? updated

lyndausvi · August 2014

indianaalum said:

That's why we did "Together with our families". it took away ALLL the drama.

Sorry this happened to you.

In some ways, I guess I agree that having the "Host" listed could make those parents who can't afford to help out feel bad as the whole world would know they didn't pay. It's like having to pay to get your name on the invitations. I know its etiquette, but in some ways, I can totally see how it creates drama and hurt feelings.

******* SITB **********

So? My parents OFFERED to HOST a wedding in our honor. We accepted. Why wouldn't their names be listed as the invitees on the invite? The host of any event is normally on an invite. It's just the way it is. If the parents feel bad it's on them. They are not obligated in anyway to help with the wedding, but if they don't they should expect to be listed as such either. Just because you are not on the invite doesn't mean you are chopped liver. It just simply means you are not hosting the event. They are not, they need to stop re-interrupting names on an invite. It's pretty simple, the host of an event (any event) does the inviting. It's not an opportunity to list who your parents are. No need to read more into this.

I got around it by under DH's name putting "son of". So my parents were doing the inviting as the hosts, but MIL name was on there as a parent, but in no way was she a host of the wedding and wasn't going to be stated as such.

Jen4948 · August 2014

MegEn1 said:

I think OP did things JUST RIGHT. If a set of parents is forking over tons of cash to do the hosting, they should be recognized for it!

Invitations aren't playbills. And it is none of the guests' business who pays for what. So no, hosts are not recognized on the basis of "forking over tons of cash." They are recognized on the basis of who is inviting the guests and making sure their needs are tended to. One can "fork over tons of cash" without doing those things, and if so, one should not be recognized as a host.

Another thing: Wedding invitations honor no one except the recipients. Not the couple, not their parents. Not even the hosts, whoever they might be.

So for non-hosting parents to get pissed off because their names are not on an invitation is juvenile.

sarahufl · August 2014

I actually like having both parent's name on the invite. H's parents in no way contributed anything to our wedding, except for H

But I still wanted their names on there. I have had too many friends get into fights with their FILs over this exact same thing and it just wasn't something I was willing to fight about. So ours said my parents invite you to the wedding of their daughter, son of XYZ.

They were happy with it.

ashley8918 · August 2014

lyndausvi said:

indianaalum said:

That's why we did "Together with our families". it took away ALLL the drama.

Sorry this happened to you.

In some ways, I guess I agree that having the "Host" listed could make those parents who can't afford to help out feel bad as the whole world would know they didn't pay. It's like having to pay to get your name on the invitations. I know its etiquette, but in some ways, I can totally see how it creates drama and hurt feelings.

******* SITB **********

So? My parents OFFERED to HOST a wedding in our honor. We accepted. Why wouldn't their names be listed as the invitees on the invite? The host of any event is normally on an invite. It's just the way it is. If the parents feel bad it's on them. They are not obligated in anyway to help with the wedding, but if they don't they should expect to be listed as such either. Just because you are not on the invite doesn't mean you are chopped liver. It just simply means you are not hosting the event. They are not, they need to stop re-interrupting names on an invite. It's pretty simple, the host of an event (any event) does the inviting. It's not an opportunity to list who your parents are. No need to read more into this.

I got around it by under DH's name putting "son of". So my parents were doing the inviting as the hosts, but MIL name was on there as a parent, but in no way was she a host of the wedding and wasn't going to be stated as such.

It seems like this is what they were expecting, maybe? I don't think it was wrong of me not to, but I guess I should have.

ohmrs2014 · August 2014

We hosted our own wedding and put "Together with their families" and still received grief from my parents because they weren't named on the invite. Sometimes you just can't win.

ashley8918 · August 2014

scribe95 said:

You can definitely have both and still distinguish who is hosting.

I'm sure I could have, it just honestly didn't occur to me. I feel bad because it made her feel bad, not because I technically did anything wrong.

lyndausvi · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

lyndausvi said:

indianaalum said:

That's why we did "Together with our families". it took away ALLL the drama.

Sorry this happened to you.

In some ways, I guess I agree that having the "Host" listed could make those parents who can't afford to help out feel bad as the whole world would know they didn't pay. It's like having to pay to get your name on the invitations. I know its etiquette, but in some ways, I can totally see how it creates drama and hurt feelings.

******* SITB **********

So? My parents OFFERED to HOST a wedding in our honor. We accepted. Why wouldn't their names be listed as the invitees on the invite? The host of any event is normally on an invite. It's just the way it is. If the parents feel bad it's on them. They are not obligated in anyway to help with the wedding, but if they don't they should expect to be listed as such either. Just because you are not on the invite doesn't mean you are chopped liver. It just simply means you are not hosting the event. They are not, they need to stop re-interrupting names on an invite. It's pretty simple, the host of an event (any event) does the inviting. It's not an opportunity to list who your parents are. No need to read more into this.

I got around it by under DH's name putting "son of". So my parents were doing the inviting as the hosts, but MIL name was on there as a parent, but in no way was she a host of the wedding and wasn't going to be stated as such.

It seems like this is what they were expecting, maybe? I don't think it was wrong of me not to, but I guess I should have.

You are not wrong.

MobKaz · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

scribe95 said:

You can definitely have both and still distinguish who is hosting.

I'm sure I could have, it just honestly didn't occur to me. I feel bad because it made her feel bad, not because I technically did anything wrong.

That does not seem to be the case. It sounds as if she did not feel bad until someone suggested she should. And THEIR suggestion was 100% wrong.

I think in most cases, the best way to handle invitations is to do what is proper in terms of etiquette, because it retains the objectivity of it all. It's only when one starts to "play around with it" that drama seems to occur.

We did add, "son of" underneath the groom's name as our choice. The groom's family hosted the entire rehearsal dinner, and as such, only their names were listed on the invitation. We, as the bride's family took no offense to that. I'm not sure why that cannot and should not be the case for the wedding invitation when it is hosted by the bride's family.

ashley8918 · August 2014

MobKaz said: ashley8918 said: scribe95 said: You can definitely have both and still distinguish who is hosting. I'm sure I could have, it just honestly didn't occur to me. I feel bad because it made her feel bad, not because I technically did anything wrong. That does not seem to be the case. It sounds as if she did not feel bad until someone suggested she should. And THEIR suggestion was 100% wrong.

I think in most cases, the best way to handle invitations is to do what is proper in terms of etiquette, because it retains the objectivity of it all. It's only when one starts to "play around with it" that drama seems to occur.

We did add, "son of" underneath the groom's name as our choice. The groom's family hosted the entire rehearsal dinner, and as such, only their names were listed on the invitation. We, as the bride's family took no offense to that. I'm not sure why that cannot and should not be the case for the wedding invitation when it is hosted by the bride's family.

______UGH. I swear, there were quote boxes________
That's true. I didn't make her feel bad, per say.

sophhabobopha · August 2014

Your MIL almost sounds like the victim of her family's drama, too. ):

ashley8918 · August 2014

sophhabobopha said:

Your MIL almost sounds like the victim of her family's drama, too. ):

I'm definitely think that's the case.

I am really glad she called me (even if it was after midnight... WTF?!) and we were able to get it sorted out. I didn't want to have to start disliking her

I'm not going to worry about the unnamed family members, either. As much as i'd like to declare them my mortal enemies and give them a piece of my mind, I hope they just decline the invite and don't further snark on my wedding for no reason.

twitterbird · August 2014

I originally had "together with their parents" on our invitations. I showed a mockup to my mom to see what she thought and she seriously lost her mind that we didn't list parents by name. It was a full on melt down. She claimed that people on my deceased father's side wouldn't come, that I was disrespecting her...it went on and on for days. Along with hysterical crying. In the end it wasn't the hill I was going to die on and I redesigned and included the names of our parents. What is it with weddings and people (particularly mothers) losing their marbles completely! My best friend's mom jumped from the bride saying she didn't want parents sitting at the head table to her not wanting them there at all. And another friend's MIL was a complete pain in the bum leading up to her wedding day.

ashley8918 · August 2014

twitterbird said:

I originally had "together with their parents" on our invitations. I showed a mockup to my mom to see what she thought and she seriously lost her mind that we didn't list parents by name. It was a full on melt down. She claimed that people on my deceased father's side wouldn't come, that I was disrespecting her...it went on and on for days. Along with hysterical crying. In the end it wasn't the hill I was going to die on and I redesigned and included the names of our parents. What is it with weddings and people (particularly mothers) losing their marbles completely! My best friend's mom jumped from the bride saying she didn't want parents sitting at the head table to her not wanting them there at all. And another friend's MIL was a complete pain in the bum leading up to her wedding day.

Jeez! That's insane (both scenarios)! And here I was thinking that I would have been better off with "together with their parents"... perhaps not?

JaxInBlue · August 2014

We have six parents (2 sets of mine, 1 of his). If we'd listed everyone it would have looked like a hot mess of a movie poster so we used "together with their families" as a compromise since some parents felt it was necessary acknowledge them (to prove we weren't hatched, I guess?).

But, OP, I really think you're good. You followed both etiquette and tradition and I totally agree with those saying that this only became an issue because someone else thought it should be.

Are your FI's parents involved in hosting the rehearsal dinner or another event associated with your wedding? I might be inclined to find a way to quietly let you FMIL know that if it would help calm things on that side, you'd be okay with them being listed, but not your parents, on any invites sent for that. It's small but it might help.

ashley8918 · August 2014

JaxInBlue said:

We have six parents (2 sets of mine, 1 of his). If we'd listed everyone it would have looked like a hot mess of a movie poster so we used "together with their families" as a compromise since some parents felt it was necessary acknowledge them (to prove we weren't hatched, I guess?).

But, OP, I really think you're good. You followed both etiquette and tradition and I totally agree with those saying that this only became an issue because someone else thought it should be.

Are your FI's parents involved in hosting the rehearsal dinner or another event associated with your wedding? I might be inclined to find a way to quietly let you FMIL know that if it would help calm things on that side, you'd be okay with them being listed, but not your parents, on any invites sent for that. It's small but it might help.

Yes, they are hosting the RD. I fully expect to only see their names listed, but It might be good to try to bring it up somehow. She did say she was going to email me a proof of the invitation, so I guess i'll just wait until I see it.

simplyelise · August 2014

You totally did the right thing. I'm glad it's all moving forward too.

A coworker who's son is getting married the weekend before me (PPD actually), was very upset a few weeks ago because her son "broke the news" to her that she wasn't going to be listed on the invite. Partly because she's not hosting/contributing and partly because he's got an on-again off-again bio-dad and that would mean more uncomfortable decisions. I wasn't going to wade into it, but she asked me directly what we were doing and I told her we were listing my parents only because our wedding is very traditional and my parents are paying for nearly everything. She was then pissed at me for a couple days. People are so weird about weddings.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Ashley, I'm glad you talked it out with FMIL and that she has calmed down. I hope everything else goes better!

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

I'm glad you aren't upset anymore but your FMIL needs to grow the hell up. Giving birth to a child doesn't grant you a "spot" on their wedding invitations.

Saying that you "obviously have no respect for her" is childish, accusatory and bullshit. And further, only sending it to you presumes her son didn't have anything to do with it. Even if she apologized, I'd probably still judge her for her incredibly immature reaction.

ashley8918 · August 2014

sarahbear31 said:

Ashley, I'm glad you talked it out with FMIL and that she has calmed down. I hope everything else goes better!

Thank you! So far it is. I'm actually kind of getting sick of her apologizing for it, haha.

But, we have moved on to discussing our upcoming joint makeup trial. Exciting!

ashley8918 · August 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm glad you aren't upset anymore but your FMIL needs to grow the hell up. Giving birth to a child doesn't grant you a "spot" on their wedding invitations.

Saying that you "obviously have no respect for her" is childish, accusatory and bullshit. And further, only sending it to you presumes her son didn't have anything to do with it. Even if she apologized, I'd probably still judge her for her incredibly immature reaction.

Oh, i'm judging away. I'm just not going to hold a grudge over it, and will hope that it was an isolated indecent. If not, i'll deal with it next time.

ashley8918 · August 2014

simplyelise said:

You totally did the right thing. I'm glad it's all moving forward too.

A coworker who's son is getting married the weekend before me (PPD actually), was very upset a few weeks ago because her son "broke the news" to her that she wasn't going to be listed on the invite. Partly because she's not hosting/contributing and partly because he's got an on-again off-again bio-dad and that would mean more uncomfortable decisions. I wasn't going to wade into it, but she asked me directly what we were doing and I told her we were listing my parents only because our wedding is very traditional and my parents are paying for nearly everything. She was then pissed at me for a couple days. People are so weird about weddings.

Oh, for god's sake! Weddings really can bring out the worst in people.

beachyone15 · August 2014

I used the "son of" wording. I ran it by my mom first (because I had the feeling that his parents would want to be named on the invite). She said of course, "if we are named on the invite, they should be too". Both sets are financially contributing (my parents are giving more though) and my parents are hosting. I just did what I thought would make everyone happy. In this case, I didn't worry about etiquette too much. It seems like most people don't understand it anyway if they associate being named on the invite with paying for the whole wedding!

pabride56 · October 2014

My parents 100% hosted weddings for my sister and myself. They were going to put "son of ...", under the groom's name, on my sister's invitation, but they were square invitations, and had limited lines, so it was cut out. It was my father's final call, since there was a lot of "suggestions" and drama, from the grooms side.

My mother offered the same thing, for my invitations, and my husband said no. He was 32.5, at the time, and financially independent from his parents, for over 10 years. In hindsight, it was a good decision, since all my mother asked his parents to do was to help greet guests, as they arrived, and they didn't.

It's very common for the persons issuing the invitation/hosts - in our cases the parents of the bride, to have their names listed. My cousin and his wife hosted themselves, so their names were on the invitations - not "together with our parents/families," - nothing.

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