Feeling like an (inevitable) copycat

charcoalandblush · August 2014

I'm not even engaged yet and already feel like I'm going to end up being a wedding copycat...

My boyfriend and I have been ring shopping and have picked some tentative wedding dates, so I know the proposal is coming pretty soon. In the meantime, we have 9 weddings to attend in an 11 month span (4 down, 5 to go!) for various friends, family members, coworkers, etc. Our wedding would be the 10th in 16 months (if we stick with the dates we like). It seems like everyone has beat us to every wedding option - colors, flowers, dresses, bridal party gifts, guest favors - everything seems like it's been done already. The most recent bride had a dress nearly identical to what I envisioned myself wearing on my day, and the wedding featured my favorite color.

There's going to be a huge overlap in the guests at many of these weddings. I don't want it to seem like I just "stole" ideas from every other bride before me, but I also don't want to abandon ideas that I really like just because they've been done before. How do we plan our day without feeling like total copycats? Do you know anyone who has dealt with this situation? What did she do?

[Deleted User] · August 2014

every wedding is unique, even if you use similar elements to other weddings you've attended. unless you're using the same venue(s), dresses, etc. then you aren't going to be a copycat. until you're engaged, don't even worry about it! once you start planning the big day, a lot of things will change.

how long have you and your BF been an item? tell us more about yourself!

Swazzle · August 2014

purplepride said:

I'm not even engaged yet and already feel like I'm going to end up being a wedding copycat...

My boyfriend and I have been ring shopping and have picked some tentative wedding dates, so I know the proposal is coming pretty soon. In the meantime, we have 9 weddings to attend in an 11 month span (4 down, 5 to go!) for various friends, family members, coworkers, etc. Our wedding would be the 10th in 16 months (if we stick with the dates we like). It seems like everyone has beat us to every wedding option - colors, flowers, dresses, bridal party gifts, guest favors - everything seems like it's been done already. The most recent bride had a dress nearly identical to what I envisioned myself wearing on my day, and the wedding featured my favorite color.

There's going to be a huge overlap in the guests at many of these weddings. I don't want it to seem like I just "stole" ideas from every other bride before me, but I also don't want to abandon ideas that I really like just because they've been done before. How do we plan our day without feeling like total copycats? Do you know anyone who has dealt with this situation? What did she do?

Your wedding will be unique because it's the only one where you are marrying your BF. I hate to break it to you but every idea, color, theme, etc. will have been done at some wedding before yours. And that's ok.

And if anyone is seriously sitting at each of these weddings comparing colors and decor to 10 others before it then they probably need a hobby.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I highly doubt that everything you have will be EXACTLY the same as what you've seen. And honestly, unless it's a best friend and they have wedding stuff as their profile picture on facebook or something, I remember almost nothing about most weddings I go to. I remember purple ribbons on the back of white chairs at one wedding. But if someone else did the exact same thing, I would be equally impressed, I'm sure. If the same people are going to a lot of these weddings, they're not going to remember specifics about every single one.

You're fine. Breathe. Choose what you want, and don't think twice if someone else did it already if it's what you want. And if it bothers you, tweak it a little bit and make it your own!

bethsmiles · August 2014

It's impossible to do a wedding that hasn't been done before. A wedding isn't about being unique from other weddings it's about making a life-long commitment to the person you love and celebrating that love with your friends and family.

So really, not to sound too harsh, but who gives a shit? Pick the colors you like, do the flowers you want, and stop caring about if people will think you are copying because it seriously does not matter.

charcoalandblush · August 2014

Cocobellaf - we've been together for 2 years! We met online (okcupid). I had been doing online dating pretty unsuccessfully for 2 months. I was his first date from okcupid! I always tease him about how lucky he got

AuroraRose41 · August 2014

Hi @purplepride. Welcome! I am in a very similar position with my BF (ring shopping, talking about things that we would want at ours eventually etc.) and we just went to 2 weddings last month alone. We have two more this year to go to, so I can understand what you mean. I agree with PP's that almost every color and flower combination has been done multiple times already, and that's okay. Is there anything that makes you and your BF unique as a couple that you could incorporate? Maybe you can start brainstorming ways to include things that you two have in common, things you enjoy doing together, etc. into the decor. And it's possible that you will come up with something that the other couples haven't done yet. ETF: TK is eating my paragraphs....

lc07 · August 2014

Forget all that stuff and just be an awesome host. Have amazing food, beverages, entertainment, no gaps, follow etiquette, go above and beyond when you can etc. THAT'S the stuff people remember. I couldn't tell you what my BFFs centerpieces looked like. Not a single one.

bethsmiles · August 2014

lc07 said:

Forget all that stuff and just be an awesome host. Have amazing food, beverages, entertainment, no gaps, follow etiquette, go above and beyond when you can etc. THAT'S the stuff people remember. I couldn't tell you what my BFFs centerpieces looked like. Not a single one.

Being a good host is so much more important than colors or flowers. No one but you will remember those things. What people will remember is good food, great music, and an open bar.

BreMR · August 2014

I definitely go to weddings for the food and cake. Aside from that, my most favorite moment is the vows, and I don't see ANYTHING but the bride and groom... and the dress.

I honestly couldn't tell you what a single centerpiece at a wedding I've been to looks like.

Dignity100 · August 2014

I went to a wedding in June - here's what I remember from it:

Bride wore a fitted lace dress (I only remember because she's thin and I'm a little jealous, plus I'm getting married soon and took note of it).

Colors: No idea!!! If I had to guess it was black and pink (I just threw the invitation with the addresses away, and that was the color of the invite).

Center Pieces: Well, I know they weren't tall because I could see the people sitting across form me.

Food: HORRIBLE - over cooked pasta and steamed chicken, veggies were still hard and they had a little brisket that was overly salted. If it wasn't so horrible, I would have forgotten what it was...

Cake: Didn't even get to try it - they only put 1/2 of it out and then boxed the rest up and gave it away after we had already left. SO disappointing - DON'T DO THIS!

Because you're getting ready to plan a wedding, you're making mental notes of what others are doing. I can pretty much assure you that all those 'Little Details' people won't remember.

lmcooper86 · August 2014

Ditto everything PPs said.

Relax. You aren't engaged yet, so don't waste time stressing about this stuff. Everything has been done by someone else at some point in time, so don't worry so much about being different, and put your energy into being a great host (once you're engaged and planning).

In full honesty, I remember details of most weddings that I've been to, but that's purely because I'm a very detail oriented person. But it's more along the lines of "oh that was really cool" or "I like how they did xyz", not "they used the same colours/music/plates as so and so, totally lame". None of your guests are going to care about that stuff.

I know you said that you and your BF have talked about potential dates, but really you can't just pick a date; that's really going to be determined by the venue(s) that you like and when they have availability. Your venue and the season could really influence some of your details, so don't stress about that stuff right now, it's really a waste of time.

If there are details from other weddings that you've really liked, then think about how you can make them more your own. Incorporating details about your relationship and being a great host is what will make your wedding unique and memorable.

ETF typos...details are hard this morning.

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

Let's see... I'm using the same florist as my soon-to-be SIL, and I'm pretty much showing her a picture of the bouquet and going "That."

I'm wearing @swazzle's belt.

I'm using @swazzle's lanterns.

My dress is from David's Bridal and has probably been worn in hundreds of weddings.

We're naming our tables after our favorite Red Sox/Patriots, which I'm sure has been done before. (And my future MIL is horrified at the thought, but OH WELL!)

But you know what? None of that matters, because it's going to be ME marrying my FI. That is what is going to make it special. Not the colors, or the centerpieces, or the flowers I carry. It's OUR wedding. And that's all I need.

charcoalandblush · August 2014

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

There are definitely some things that will be unique... we've picked our first dance, which is a pretty unique song (I know it's been done, but definitely not by anyone that we know) and is really personal to us. The venue is also meaningful to us (and to respond to a previous post... it is available for the dates that we picked, that's a huge reason that we picked those dates).

I think the things that I'm stressing over are mostly the dress and the colors, because basically every color combination I would consider has been used by someone we know in the past 3 months, and the dress that the bride wore last weekend is pretty much exactly what I envisioned myself wearing.I definitely want to differentiate things as much as I can to make it "ours" instead of just wearing the exact same dress that his cousin wore last weekend and using the exact same color palette, etc. I guess I mostly have to keep in mind that not everyone pays as much attention to detail as I do. I can tell you the colors of every single wedding I've been to since I was 6 years old. So it's hard to not imagine that my guests will do the same.

Also, the food-related comments are duly noted... I definitely agree. I seldom have wedding food that is better than mediocre. I've heard good things about the in-house caterer at the venue we want from friends who have been to other events there, so hopefully we can make some great choices. And we DEFINITELY won't be putting the cake away before everyone has had a slice (or two).

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback! I really appreciate your thoughts

bethsmiles · August 2014

So are you engaged or not? And there's more to picking a date then finding a venue. Have you talked to your VIPs? Can they all make that date? Will it accommodate everyone you want to invite?

If you aren't engaged you really don't even need to be worrying about this, although honestly even if you were engaged I don't think you need to be worrying about it.

GoldenPenguin · August 2014

purplepride said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone!
There are definitely some things that will be unique... we've picked our first dance, which is a pretty unique song (I know it's been done, but definitely not by anyone that we know) and is really personal to us. The venue is also meaningful to us (and to respond to a previous post... it is available for the dates that we picked, that's a huge reason that we picked those dates).
I think the things that I'm stressing over are mostly the dress and the colors, because basically every color combination I would consider has been used by someone we know in the past 3 months, and the dress that the bride wore last weekend is pretty much exactly what I envisioned myself wearing.I definitely want to differentiate things as much as I can to make it "ours" instead of just wearing the exact same dress that his cousin wore last weekend and using the exact same color palette, etc. I guess I mostly have to keep in mind that not everyone pays as much attention to detail as I do. I can tell you the colors of every single wedding I've been to since I was 6 years old. So it's hard to not imagine that my guests will do the same.
Also, the food-related comments are duly noted... I definitely agree. I seldom have wedding food that is better than mediocre. I've heard good things about the in-house caterer at the venue we want from friends who have been to other events there, so hopefully we can make some great choices. And we DEFINITELY won't be putting the cake away before everyone has had a slice (or two).

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback! I really appreciate your thoughts

Here's the thing about the dress.

1. You aren't even engaged yet. So, factor in the time that it's going to take between now & getting engaged, add in the planning process, and you (probably) have a good amount of time between that wedding and your own.

2. What you envision yourself in may not actually be what you get. I thought for sure I was going to get something lacy and/or flowy, with cap sleeves. I ended up with a mermaid, tank style, with zero lace, and a tiered bottom. You really don't KNOW what you're going to end up with until you actually start trying dresses on.

3. While there are some seriously unique dresses out there, A LOT of wedding gowns look similar. So even if you DO end up with a dress that's close to what your friend recently wore, it's not going to be because you copied her - it's going to be because it's a common style of wedding gown and you guys have the same taste.

Bottom line, there's really nothing to worry about now - start planning when you get engaged, and everything will fall into place, I promise.

lmcooper86 · August 2014

purplepride said:

Thanks for the feedback everyone!
There are definitely some things that will be unique... we've picked our first dance, which is a pretty unique song (I know it's been done, but definitely not by anyone that we know) and is really personal to us. The venue is also meaningful to us (and to respond to a previous post... it is available for the dates that we picked, that's a huge reason that we picked those dates).
I think the things that I'm stressing over are mostly the dress and the colors, because basically every color combination I would consider has been used by someone we know in the past 3 months, and the dress that the bride wore last weekend is pretty much exactly what I envisioned myself wearing.I definitely want to differentiate things as much as I can to make it "ours" instead of just wearing the exact same dress that his cousin wore last weekend and using the exact same color palette, etc. I guess I mostly have to keep in mind that not everyone pays as much attention to detail as I do. I can tell you the colors of every single wedding I've been to since I was 6 years old. So it's hard to not imagine that my guests will do the same.
Also, the food-related comments are duly noted... I definitely agree. I seldom have wedding food that is better than mediocre. I've heard good things about the in-house caterer at the venue we want from friends who have been to other events there, so hopefully we can make some great choices. And we DEFINITELY won't be putting the cake away before everyone has had a slice (or two).

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback! I really appreciate your thoughts

Wait, I'm confused. You initially said that you had some tentative wedding dates picked, but your last post is saying that you've already talked to at least one venue. Are you actually engaged and planning your wedding?

Dignity100 · August 2014

I'm joining in on 'confused' on your status. If you picked a date, have a venue booked, are planning a wedding - you're engaged. You don't need a ring to be engaged.

As far as wedding dresses - new styles come out in spring and in fall. Styles are retired/discontinued. Let's face it - really there's only so many bridal gown shapes and then so many fabrics.

With you're wedding being like other weddings you've been to - maybe everybody in your family has not been to all the same weddings if they DO remember all the details. I know my wedding is different from anybody in the family, but basically I had 5 venues to choose from, about 6 bouquets to choose from (in a variety of different colors) and about 5 cake designs to choose from. They do 3-5 weddings at my venue A DAY, people come from all over the WORLD to get married there, so chances are, my wedding is going to be pretty much identical to somebody else. I want my guests to be comfortable and have a good time - but the look and style of the wedding is all me and my FI.

charcoalandblush · August 2014

Sorry about the confusion - we've started planning our wedding, but we're not engaged yet. At least I don't "feel" engaged yet. He hasn't proposed, but is planning to soon. I know it might seem silly/immature/old fashioned, but I don't think I'll "feel" engaged until he does.

About 2 months ago we had a long talk about it and decided that we were ready to get married. We started talking about saving for the wedding and a house, picked a city (which was a big decision) and a month for the wedding, etc.

We also started looking more into the venue and checked into dates. They have several available in the month that we want (including our first choice). We haven't booked it yet, mostly because, like I said above, I feel like it's a little premature before he proposes. We're on a short-ish timeline for the area we live in considering we don't want to push it into the fall (big city - people we know have had to wait over a year to get the venue they wanted).

So sorry for the confusion - it's a confusing place for me to be too! I'm chomping at the bit to get started with planning and everything now that I know it's coming so soon, but also don't want to get too ahead of myself. So thanks for helping keep that in check

lmcooper86 · August 2014

It's absolutely fine to not feel engaged or not consider yourself engaged until he proposes and/or your get a ring...I felt like that, but not everyone does. It's also absolutely fine to be engaged without a proposal or a ring. So if you have had a discussion about your future and have decided that you are ready to get married to each other and have started planning (like looking at venues) then...I would say you are engaged!

If you don't feel engaged yet because he hasn't proposed, then I would encourage you to hold off on any planning. You can 100% be engaged without a ring or a proposal, but only you and your BF/FI can decide when you're engaged, and you shouldn't be planning a wedding if you aren't engaged.

bethsmiles · August 2014

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So you are engaged. If you are planning a wedding you are engaged. It's seriously that simple.

If you don't consider yourselves engaged then stop planning a wedding.

Swazzle · August 2014

charcoalandblush · August 2014

Sorry that my post seems to have rubbed everyone the wrong way. That was not my intention. I didn't realize that it wasn't appropriate for us to start planning before I considered myself engaged. I will definitely refrain from asking any more planning questions. My apologies.

bethsmiles · August 2014

purplepride said:

Sorry that my post seems to have rubbed everyone the wrong way. That was not my intention. I didn't realize that it wasn't appropriate for us to start planning before I considered myself engaged. I will definitely refrain from asking any more planning questions. My apologies.

The whole point of getting engaged is to plan the wedding. I just don't understand planning before you are engaged. You don't need a ring to be engaged.

charcoalandblush · August 2014

I guess to me it always just seemed like way more of a personal choice when/whether to call yourself "engaged." I have several friends who called themselves engaged for 3 or 4 years before they even started planning a wedding. So before I didn't necessarily consider the two to be one and the same. But I guess I stand corrected. I definitely know the difference now. Again, my apologies.

bethsmiles · August 2014

Obviously, it's a personal choice as to when you consider yourselves engaged. What we're saying is that it's ridiculous to be planning a wedding and not consider yourself engaged. It's not like you can consider yourself engaged whenever. If someone who was married but never had a proposal/ring came to you and said "OMG I'm engaged" You would think they were nuts, it silly to consider yourself engaged after your married. It's pretty much the same with planning a wedding but not considering yourself engaged.

I'll be honest, if one of my friends was planning her wedding and then months later excitedly told me she was engaged I would not be as excited for her. Obviously, I'd be happy she was happy but it would just seem redundant to me. Like, well duh you're engaged you've been planning a wedding for months.

Also, having a long engagement isn't really the same as planning a wedding when you aren't engaged.

charcoalandblush · August 2014

I wasn't saying that having a long engagement was the same as planning a wedding before you consider yourself engaged - I was saying the exact opposite. The way you're describing it, those couples weren't actually engaged for the first 1/2 of what they called their engagement because they weren't actively planning a wedding.

Basically, I was having a hard time understanding why people were pissed at me for asking the question because I never realized that "engagement" and "wedding planning" are one and the same. To me, they were totally separate/different things. But I definitely understand what you're saying now.

minskat30 · August 2014

@purplepride - My favorite analogy to pre-planning before you consider yourself engaged is like planning for a baby when you aren't preggers. If you had a spare bedroom but you weren't preggers (even though you talked about the possibility with your SO and your desire to have them in the future with your SO), you wouldn't decorate the extra room into a nursery would you? It is sort of putting the cart before the horse. Enjoy your relationship as it is now and stick around...these girls offer very helpful advice and have kept many of us (including me) sane before (during and after) getting engaged.

minskat30 · August 2014

Also...saw your post on the getting to know you thread.

What kind of law do you practice? Which website did you meet your SO on?

AuroraRose41 · August 2014

@purplepride, I know I said that I was in a similar position, but BF and I are not engaged yet, do not have a venue or date booked or even selected, and I have not been concerned about wedding dresses in the least. They will be there when I am actually engaged.

Sure, BF and I have talked about what city we want it in (we moved far away from both of our families), and how much realistically we need to save to have the things that are important to us (good food is a must), but nothing more then "In the future, this is what we would like to do." BF made comments to me recently about what he liked and didn't like about the two weddings last month, but that doesn't mean that I am going to go book vendors because he is talking about things that he would eventually like at his wedding.

I really encourage you to slow down a little, and maybe find a new hobby/activity to take your mind off of wedding planning if you aren't engaged yet.

I'm also interested in what type of law you practice, as my activity to take my mind off of these things as of late has been studying for the LSAT in hopes of going to law school and becoming a patent attorney

.

lilacck28 · August 2014

Just wanted to chime in that I knew all along about when Fiance was going to propose. And I LOVED looking at venues and dresses and rings and flowers online for about... oh, a year previous to the engagement. As we got closer to when it was going to happen, I started bookmarking a lot of them. But I didn't contact any vendors or do in person looking until I considered myself engaged. (Fiance and I decided that meant a proposal and a ring, though that was more my preference than his. He "felt engaged" for a while.)

It was helpful looking online because I knew my tastes, and we were able to say "okay, in a year, we're getting married. Let's book!" pretty quickly without me freaking out and researching for days at a time about "do I like brunch or dinner? dark colors or light? ahhh!"

HOWEVER, I am SO glad I waited for the in person and more specific planning. Once I was engaged, planning felt more exciting, and my family and friends were excited for me, and honestly? It was a lot less confusing because of the lack of limbo. I didn't have to feel strange emailing vendors. With any type of in person planning or shopping you do, the first question they'll ask is usually "oh! show me the ring" (rude, since a ring is not required, but they do it) and then "when are you getting married?". And its also fun to bring your mom or a friend with you.

And that's the biggest thing that kept me from going off the deep end and majorly preplanning: I wanted to be an AW. I wanted to be able to say to my friends and family "I"M ENGAGED!" and have them be excited with me. If they had heard about me planning, or gone with me, and then I told them I was engaged, they would have been all "uhhh... okay?"

I'm more "whatever goes" as far as "preplanning" than a lot of the ladies on here, but I really stand behind the above. Waiting until both parties feel and tell people they are engaged makes wedding planning MUCH more fun.

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