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How best to include a friend I didn't think would make it...

jenijoykjenijoyk member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum

First, I am SO AGAINST B-LIST anything... and of all the most egregious things, B-listing wedding party members is obviously the worst of the worst. I also do not consider myself a special snowflake, so please be honest if this a path I just shouldn't go down at all. I can handle the criticism!

I have a really good friend of mine that, if she lived down the street from me, I would have asked to be bridesmaid. Not just because she is awesome in a million ways and deserves recognition for being an amazing friend, but because this girl is also a Type A, completely reasonable, unflappable person that I know would calm me down just by her mere presence on what I know will be an insane day. However, she moved across the country a few years ago and I know she's having money problems, so when I picked my BMs I didn't ask her. I didn't want to saddle her with the costs, or put her in an awkward position if she couldn't swing the trip. I honestly wasn't even expecting her to make the wedding at all.

But last night, she let me know she was coming! I am so flattered/touched/excited she will be there, I can't even tell you.  

Even though I know she can handle herself in any situation, she asked me if she'd know anyone. The truth is, she won't really, except for myself, my fiance and my 3 BMs. Also, she's flying all the way across the country just for a weekend... it seems a shame to only get to see her for a few hours at the reception when I will be a crazy person pulled in a million directions. (Can you tell I'm trying to justify myself?)

So... is it rude to invite her to the bridal suite to spend the day with us before the ceremony? The BMs and I are planning to hang out all day, drink mimosas, get our hair done, catch up because we don't see each other that often, etc. I know if I don't invite her, this friend will be hanging out in the hotel by herself. (I gave her a plus one, but she said she wasn't bringing anyone.) It seems silly, given that we'll be just a few hotel floors away. But it also seems rude to invite her given that she isn't a bridesmaid. If she wanted, she could even have her hair done with us - I'm already covering everyone, and it would be so easy to add her on.  But is it rude to even offer? Am I essentially turning her into a b-list bridesmaid in an effort to include her?

I just want her to have a wonderful time, given that she's coming so far for such a short trip, and given that she's basically the best. But maybe I should just let it go. I'm not having a headtable at the wedding, so she'll be sitting with all the BMs for dinner, even if she'll be on her own for the ceremony and the cocktail hour. And the entire day before the ceremony. Argh. Thoughts? Advice?

(P.S. Ironically, is is totally a question I would ask her for advice on in any other situation because she always knows the right answer.)

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Re: How best to include a friend I didn't think would make it...

  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
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    I don't see how it would be rude at all! I think it would be a great chance to hang out, have fun with friends and relax. I'm having two non bridesmaid friends hang out with us while we get ready in the AM and I'm excited to hang out with everyone! 



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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
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    martha1818 said:
    First of all I probably would have asked her to be a bridesmaid regardless of her living across the country; you probably shouldn't have decided it would be too costly for her without even asking, even if it was with good intentions! I personally don't see any problem with asking her to get ready with you guys. Since she won't know anyone else it would be a nice thing to do, in my opinion.
    I probably should have. Something about it just didn't seem right at the time. She also let me know super soon after we got engaged that she was sad she'd probably have to miss the wedding. It seemed best to leave it alone, expect nothing, and just be elated if she could end up making it. But there was probably a better way to do it.
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  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
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    JellyBean52513 said:
    If I were in your position, I would tell her "I can't even explain how excited I am that you're coming! I was afraid you wouldn't be able to make it due to travel, costs, etc. I'd love for you to spend the morning/day with us, we have a suite where we're all getting ready together, having mimosas, and catching up. Let me know if you want to get your hair done with us, my treat :) Can't wait to see you!" If she said anything about not wanting to invade your time with your bridal party (or if she indicated that she might feel weird being around all the bridesmaids when she wasn't one), I would be straight-up honest and tell her "Honestly, if I didn't make the assumption that you wouldn't be able to make it work because of the cost, I would have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Obviously I jumped to conclusions about it, and I hope you can forgive for doing that, but you hanging out with us will be absolutely 100% no imposition. I'd really love for you to spend the day with us, and I know everyone else will be totally cool with it." If she's that good of a friend to you, I would think you should be able to own up to your mistake of assuming she couldn't afford the trip. I'm not sure if this is rude from an etiquette-standpoint, but it's just what I would do. While the bridal party certainly consists of guests of honor, that's not to say this particular friend isn't a very honored guest of yours, as well. Including her to hang out with you for the day doesn't seem like anything rude to me. I guess TK is still boycotting paragraphs
    I would leave out the part about not asking her to be a BM, but everything else is spot on. 



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  • jenijoykjenijoyk member
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    JellyBean52513 said:
    If I were in your position, I would tell her "I can't even explain how excited I am that you're coming! I was afraid you wouldn't be able to make it due to travel, costs, etc. I'd love for you to spend the morning/day with us, we have a suite where we're all getting ready together, having mimosas, and catching up. Let me know if you want to get your hair done with us, my treat :) Can't wait to see you!" If she said anything about not wanting to invade your time with your bridal party (or if she indicated that she might feel weird being around all the bridesmaids when she wasn't one), I would be straight-up honest and tell her "Honestly, if I didn't make the assumption that you wouldn't be able to make it work because of the cost, I would have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Obviously I jumped to conclusions about it, and I hope you can forgive for doing that, but you hanging out with us will be absolutely 100% no imposition. I'd really love for you to spend the day with us, and I know everyone else will be totally cool with it." If she's that good of a friend to you, I would think you should be able to own up to your mistake of assuming she couldn't afford the trip. I'm not sure if this is rude from an etiquette-standpoint, but it's just what I would do. While the bridal party certainly consists of guests of honor, that's not to say this particular friend isn't a very honored guest of yours, as well. Including her to hang out with you for the day doesn't seem like anything rude to me. I guess TK is still boycotting paragraphs


    Yes. All of this! Thanks!

    I think TK has made me crazy paranoid that everything I do on my wedding day will offend everyone! Haha.

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  • ashleyepashleyep member
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    jenijoyk said:

     southernbelle0915 said:

    You could: ask her to get ready with you, make sure she has a good seat at the reception, ask her to be a reader (if you can add that at this point and want to), get her a corsage, seat her in the first couple rows at the ceremony, etc. 
    Why am I an idiot that didn't think to ask her to be a reader!? Probably because she only let me know she was coming like 12 hours ago. This is PERFECT! She's included in the ceremony, and as a reader I can invite her to the RD and the bridal suite without it seeming like a weird last minute add-on. We're in the middle of writing our ceremony right now, so this is absolutely what I'm doing. Thank you!!
    You could invite her to the RD without being a reader if you wanted to. But I think being a reader is a great idea, and a great way to include her!
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    All of the above and definitely a reader!
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
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    I actually prefer to be a reader over a BM. I love doing readings. It still feels like a huge honor, and I don't have to do the formal gown/hair/makeup thing. :)
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    wrigleyville said:
    I actually prefer to be a reader over a BM. I love doing readings. It still feels like a huge honor, and I don't have to do the formal gown/hair/makeup thing. :)
    Ditto!  Love being a reader!
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
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    Even though it sounds like you have it all figured out, just wanted to add that I was at a wedding last year where all of my friends were in the bridal party except for me, and I was invited to hang out that day. There were a couple non-bridesmaids that stopped by, and between the relatives and the photographers and the hair-and-makeup people, it never felt awkward being "just me and the bridal party". I never felt like I was crashing or anything, and I had a blast. I loved being able to catch up with her before the reception!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    adk19 said:
    wrigleyville said:
    I actually prefer to be a reader over a BM. I love doing readings. It still feels like a huge honor, and I don't have to do the formal gown/hair/makeup thing. :)
    Ditto!  Love being a reader!
    Double ditto!  I love reading, and also hate the dressing up and processing down the aisle and back.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    MandyMost said:
    Even though it sounds like you have it all figured out, just wanted to add that I was at a wedding last year where all of my friends were in the bridal party except for me, and I was invited to hang out that day. There were a couple non-bridesmaids that stopped by, and between the relatives and the photographers and the hair-and-makeup people, it never felt awkward being "just me and the bridal party". I never felt like I was crashing or anything, and I had a blast. I loved being able to catch up with her before the reception!
    Yep, last time I was a bridesmaid, we had one of our friends hang out with us for nearly all the pre-stuff.  Only thing she wasn't there for was when we went to the bride's mother's house to get dressed, she went to the hotel to get dressed.  Then, I'm pretty sure she hung out with my FH at the cocktail hour while the bridal party did a few photos.
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