Counseling? What to expect?

SJM7538 · August 2014

Has anyone ever been to couples counseling? And if so what should one expect? Did it help??

H and are having some serious communication issues. And when I say communication issues I mean he won't talk to me about our problems. At all. We fight, he ignores it, things are fine for a few weeks and we fight about it again. This is on top of the fact that things just seem so routine day in and day out now and I feel so disconnected from him lately. I ask him if he's happy and he says of course he's fine. I ask him if he still I love and he says yes. But won't take it any further than that. He never says I love you, except once in a blue moon and says I should just know that he loves me. Although I'm really questioning it lately. I feel like if i just got up and walked out the door he wouldn't think twice about it. I'm frustrated and sad. I mentioned counseling and he said no way. So I made an appt for two weeks from now and I'm going to go by myself bc I need to talk to someone. I can vent to friends but they can fix this.

Thoughts? Experiences?

climbingsingle · August 2014

So, he refuses to attend counseling with you?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've only seen a therapist for myself when I was in my 20s. But I will tell you that it helped me immensely.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

We went very early on in our relationship to deal with blending our families. He has two kids, who were both teenage girls at the time! We sat down and discussed how we felt about certain incidents and the counselor helped us to see each other's perspectives. We also set boundaries- what I was allowed to do/say on my own as a an adult in the house or what he was allowed to do without checking with me, since they were his kids.

It's obvious my situation is different, but you could still talk about certain things that brought out emotion in you (like a time when he didn't say I love you) and allow him to do the same. The counselor should also be able to start a dialogue that may lead to him opening up about stuff that maybe you didn't even think about! That is, if he goes. When I was married the first time, my XH refused counseling, so I filed for divorce. It woke him up, but it was too late. I hope it's not too late for you!

birdybride2014 · August 2014

@SJM7538 I don't have any experience with counseling, but I want to say you are really brave deciding to do it on your own. That is awesome that you are taking matter into your own hands to at least try to deal with things on your end, even if your H is not currently wishing to go to counseling himself.

I hope everything works out

SJM7538 · August 2014

@ClimbingBrideNY‌ I have only mentioned it once and he shot the idea down. But I think it's more so because H is a pretty private person. He said he doesn't want to go. But then again he also doesn't want to have a conversation with me about anything emotional. He's never been a huge talker but lately we don't talk about anything! Other than our four dogs

I haven't mentioned it again. I'm not perfect by any means and I guess I'm hoping to maybe find different or better ways to try to communicate with him.

climbingsingle · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@ClimbingBrideNY‌ I have only mentioned it once and he shot the idea down. But I think it's more so because H is a pretty private person. He said he doesn't want to go. But then again he also doesn't want to have a conversation with me about anything emotional. He's never been a huge talker but lately we don't talk about anything! Other than our four dogs I haven't mentioned it again. I'm not perfect by any means and I guess I'm hoping to maybe find different or better ways to try to communicate with him.

I understand. I think though that you need to make it very clear to him that this is extremely important to you.

blabla89 · August 2014

I've only done individual counseling, but I can tell you that it helps immensely. Going by yourself is a good first step. Is there any chance your H would also consider going to one or two individual sessions, to get comfortable with the counselor before you start couples therapy?

ETA: missing words

SJM7538 · August 2014

@blabla89‌ I don't think he would go alone. He'd be more likely to go with me. I think he has an aversion to the whole idea in general.

He's generally a closed off person anyway, which a lot has to do with his profession but lately I feel like I'm grasping for any type of communication.

I really never understood when people told me that the first few years of marriage are the most difficult. We won't hit our first anniversary until October and this year has been immensely difficult. He switched from third shift to first at the beginning of this year. After four years of sleeping alone I had a really hard time adjusting to him being home at night so a lot of nights I ended up in our spare room bc I was so used to having so much space. That's not helping the situation. I've had long term relationships in the past where things got difficult and I got fed
Up and ended things. Marriage takes it to a whole
New level and I'm seeing that now.

wandajune6 · August 2014

I've never made it into joint counseling before. I tried to keep an old relationship alive once through counseling but could never get him to go with me. It was very helpful going on my own but ended the relationship.

sarawifenow · August 2014

I went to couple's counseling with my ex-FI. Ex-FI was later diagnosed as a sociopath, so I am not sure if that changed the results of our sessions or not.

I think going by yourself is a wonderful idea. Ex-FI always resented the hell out of the fact that he was there. (Please keep in mind my ex-FI is just a terrible person in general) and it made it so that he shut down. Looking back now, I wish that I would have gone by myself because then I may have been able to get advice on how to approach the topic of counseling with him in a way that he was receptive to. Then again, I am SO glad that our relationship ended. Best decision I have ever made (besides saying yes to FH that is)!

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. Communication issues suck. I hope that things get better for you and that going to counseling will help to give you a piece of mind.

CrazyCatLady3 · August 2014

Definitely start out by yourself and your therapist may be able to help how you approach things with your FI from your side. H and I went for a few sessions before we got engaged. At first he wouldn't come and I also started out by myself. I finally got him to come "for me" since he saw it was so important to me. It helped to give him an "out" that he was only coming b/c it was so important to me, because for many guys it is hard to admit that they might need outside help for themselves.

Inkdancer · August 2014

If you can talk him into going, counseling is an excellent decision. We are going because I think we should, not because we have problems, but it makes us face stuff that we would never have thought about on our own.

dgirl82 · August 2014

I personally think people that refuse to go to counseling do so because they don't want to hear that they are doing something wrong and that they'll have to change. They may realize in the back of their head that yes, things could be better, but they don't want to put the work into making it better and counseling would force that hand.

My ex-husband refused to ever go to counseling. He claimed it was because he would lose his security clearance (which is bs because I have one too) but I knew it was because he'd have to finally face what a terrible husband he was. So I went by myself, as you plan to do, and it was wonderful for me. It helped me grow as a person and become a better partner. He, however, did not grow and the marriage only got worse (didn't help that he was abusive but that is a different story). Only after I told him I wanted a divorce did he actually say 'okay I'll go to counseling'. Too little too late, bud.

Sorry if I seem a little antagonistic but it angers me when supposed loving partners will not to do something for their spouse. It is such a small fraction of time that can improve the biggest part of their life and they refuse to go.

climbingsingle · August 2014

dgirl82 said:

I personally think people that refuse to go to counseling do so because they don't want to hear that they are doing something wrong and that they'll have to change. They may realize in the back of their head that yes, things could be better, but they don't want to put the work into making it better and counseling would force that hand.

My ex-husband refused to ever go to counseling. He claimed it was because he would lose his security clearance (which is bs because I have one too) but I knew it was because he'd have to finally face what a terrible husband he was. So I went by myself, as you plan to do, and it was wonderful for me. It helped me grow as a person and become a better partner. He, however, did not grow and the marriage only got worse (didn't help that he was abusive but that is a different story). Only after I told him I wanted a divorce did he actually say 'okay I'll go to counseling'. Too little too late, bud.

Sorry if I seem a little antagonistic but it angers me when supposed loving partners will not to do something for their spouse. It is such a small fraction of time that can improve the biggest part of their life and they refuse to go.

My ex-husband also flat out refused to go to counseling. And that's a very big reason why he's my ex-husband.

CMGragain · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

Has anyone ever been to couples counseling? And if so what should one expect? Did it help?? H and are having some serious communication issues. And when I say communication issues I mean he won't talk to me about our problems. At all. We fight, he ignores it, things are fine for a few weeks and we fight about it again. This is on top of the fact that things just seem so routine day in and day out now and I feel so disconnected from him lately. I ask him if he's happy and he says of course he's fine. I ask him if he still I love and he says yes. But won't take it any further than that. He never says I love you, except once in a blue moon and says I should just know that he loves me. Although I'm really questioning it lately. I feel like if i just got up and walked out the door he wouldn't think twice about it. I'm frustrated and sad. I mentioned counseling and he said no way. So I made an appt for two weeks from now and I'm going to go by myself bc I need to talk to someone. I can vent to friends but they can fix this. Thoughts? Experiences?

You are doing the right thing in getting counseling, but I think you will hear things that you don't really want to hear.
Why do you want to marry this man? Please don't say "because I love him". That is not a good reason to marry someone.
I think you will be asked to think about the question I just asked you.
You have told us that he is not filling your needs emotionally. He is not willing to attend counseling with you to solve the problems in your relationship. He responds to cinflict by passive-aggressive behavior, and shuts down, rather than communicating to try and solve the problem.
Please put any wedding plans on hold for a while until you work this out. You might just have to walk away from this relationship. I know it will be painful, but it is better than a failed marriage.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@CMGragain‌ we are already married.

CMGragain · August 2014

Oh, my. I didn't realize that. Go to counseling and see what is best for you. Thoughts and prayers.

smalfrie19 · August 2014

My fiance and I tried to go together to make sure we had good communications skills. Unfortunately, the person we saw wasn't a good fit for us. I always felt that our therapist sided with him and we weren't on an even keel so to speak. I also see a therapist by myself because I have a lot of issues alone that I need to work on.

Because couples counseling did not work for us, my fiance and I picked up some good literature and we are exploring it together.

I think the biggest key is that your partner WANTS to make the effort, whether its counseling, or books or talking through it. Unfortunately, it sounds like your H is not. I hope he comes around.

SJM7538 · August 2014

I hope so to. Obviously you ladies only get
My side of it and I'm SURE there are things I'm doing that H is not happy with or about. We didn't end up in this situation just because of him. But I have no idea how to address any if this or work on it when I don't know what it is that he wants. Sometimes I wonder it he's just going through the motions of day to day life and isn't really happy or in love anymore. And it's so frustrating!!!

KatieinBkln · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

I hope so to. Obviously you ladies only get My side of it and I'm SURE there are things I'm doing that H is not happy with or about. We didn't end up in this situation just because of him. But I have no idea how to address any if this or work on it when I don't know what it is that he wants. Sometimes I wonder it he's just going through the motions of day to day life and isn't really happy or in love anymore. And it's so frustrating!!!

You're doing the right thing by going alone!

Have you mentioned to your H that YOU are unhappy? Because it seems you've asked him if he is okay (since he has closed off), but maybe he truly doesn't realize how lost you feel right now. People are of course entitled to have their personality, which may be more or less emotive/forthcoming/demonstrative, but if his change in behavior is causing you pain, he should want to do what he can to help alleviate it. But maybe he doesn't realize how upset you have been. In trying to give him space, you might have inadvertently led him to believe that things are actually okay; he might think you want him to go to counseling only because you think there's something "wrong" with him, but he might change his mind if you frame it as "This isn't working for me. I'm unhappy, and I feel like you are drifting away from me."

I wish you the best of luck!

CMGragain · August 2014

I had a friend who went to couples' counseling before her marriage. They were advised NOT to marry until they had addressed some issues in their relationship. They got married anyway. Six years later......divorce, over those very issues the counselor had tried to tell them that they needed to address.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@KatieinBkln‌ I expressed to him a few months ago I was unhappy with certain aspects of our relationship. We talked. Well I talked mostly and he listened and he said we would try to work on them. I haven't used the exact works drifting away but that's a pretty good description of how I feel. The past few weeks I feel like I have a roommate and not a husband. I think I'm struggling now with how to express how serious this is to him. Two days ago I sat down on the couch and tried to initiate the conversation and went nowhere and after ten minutes of him saying everything was fine I realized he was getting frustrated and annoyed so I backed off bc this always leads to an argument. A lot of our arguments escalate lately bc we start to talk then he hits a point where he wants to do convo to end and I keep pushing. So I stopped doing that.

morphemes · August 2014

I don't always think counseling is the answer. If you want counseling, you are doing the right thing in seeking it out for yourself. Going to counseling on your own may give you some insight into how to approach couples counseling with your H. It's important to realize that people have different ideas of what is therapeutic and what helps them through issues (it's not always talking to a counselor). However, the key is that the person wants to improve or make a change. It's not clear that your H wants that, but it's also not clear that he sees anything as being wrong in your relationship. It may be that you have to work on how you communicate your feelings to your H (which counseling might help you with--if counseling is generally helpful for you).

I also think that if counseling is important to you, and if it's essential to you that your H goes with, you can ask him to do it as a favor for you. He may have his own, very personal and legitimate, reasons for not wanting to go to counseling. Generally I think it's very unhealthy to hold something over someone's head ex: "You'd go to counseling with me if you love me". This is not a healthy way to get your H to go to counseling with you (not saying you were going this route). But talk to your counselor about what might be healthy and appropriate ways to communicate to your H that this is important to you.

SJM7538 · August 2014

I'm going to try talking to him again and bringing up counseling again before the appointment to see if I get anywhere

KatieinBkln · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@KatieinBkln‌ I expressed to him a few months ago I was unhappy with certain aspects of our relationship. We talked. Well I talked mostly and he listened and he said we would try to work on them. I haven't used the exact works drifting away but that's a pretty good description of how I feel. The past few weeks I feel like I have a roommate and not a husband. I think I'm struggling now with how to express how serious this is to him. Two days ago I sat down on the couch and tried to initiate the conversation and went nowhere and after ten minutes of him saying everything was fine I realized he was getting frustrated and annoyed so I backed off bc this always leads to an argument. A lot of our arguments escalate lately bc we start to talk then he hits a point where he wants to do convo to end and I keep pushing. So I stopped doing that.

I'm really sorry. This is hard stuff that has led many a marriage to dissolve--but not all! I don't have a ton of good advice for you (hopefully your counselor will be able to give you some good scripts!), but what I can tell is that your H is clearly happier avoiding hard discussions than having them. The bad news is, hard discussions can't be avoided forever. If he is just slow to process his emotions and needs time to do so, but then comes around and communicates, that would be one thing. But he can't keep everything to himself, or else he will lose you. I guess that is what I would say if I were you and struggling to explain how serious an issue this is.

Sammyantha13 · August 2014

I'm glad you are going on your own. That will help you. I've gone on my own from time to time to address individual issues, and relationship issues. I will say that a major part of whether counseling helps or not is the PERSON you go to. Some therapists I went to helped a lot, others didn't. FI and I did some couples counseling while dating to work on some issues around the time my dad died. FI felt that it didn't help, because he didn't like the counselor. So since then he has gotten sort of turned off to the idea of counseling and I've also explained to him that it depends on WHO you see.

FI says that even though he doesn't really feel like counseling 'works', if we ever got to a hard point in our marriage where I requested counseling, he would be willing to do it to see if it helped. And we decided we will keep trying different counselors until we find one that clicks and we both feel like we are getting something out of it.

Was he like this before you were married, or is this a recent development since your marriage? I understand a lot of where you're coming from, especially the "you should know that I love you" line. It was hard for me when we left the honeymoon phase of our relationship, when he stopped putting in as much effort to court me or tell me how special I was or whatever. But I found that studying the five love languages helped. FI is not a very talkative guy either, but he loves buying me gifts/spending quality time together. So it's become easier for me to recognize how he shows his love for me in his own way.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@Sammyantha13‌ H has always been kind of a closed off person even before we were married but we would still talk about things. He was very lovey dovey the first year we dated and told Me he loved me all the Time then that kind of faded. Which is fine, it happens when people get comfortable. But he's never been this closed off or gone so long without saying it and I feel lately like he doesn't even show it or seem interested in spending time with me. I come home and he's already home and relaxing with the dogs, messing around on his phone and barely bats an eye when I walk in the door. I feel like he's so complacent with our every day routine. We don't even sit next to eachother anymore when we watch tv at night after dinner when we are winding down.

Does the five languages of love really help? Bc I have the book sitting on my coffee table and have never picked it up. I might start reading it.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@Sammyantha13‌ H has always been kind of a closed off person even before we were married but we would still talk about things. He was very lovey dovey the first year we dated and told Me he loved me all the Time then that kind of faded. Which is fine, it happens when people get comfortable. But he's never been this closed off or gone so long without saying it and I feel lately like he doesn't even show it or seem interested in spending time with me. I come home and he's already home and relaxing with the dogs, messing around on his phone and barely bats an eye when I walk in the door. I feel like he's so complacent with our every day routine. We don't even sit next to eachother anymore when we watch tv at night after dinner when we are winding down. Does the five languages of love really help? Bc I have the book sitting on my coffee table and have never picked it up. I might start reading it.

SIB

DH and I read this book. We are quite opposite from one another in the way we feel appreciated or show appreciation. It was a little eye opening for DH because he really thought I needed something that it turns out I don't need at all. The book confirmed my feelings about what DH needs, but it's super hard for me to give him what he needs based on my personality. However, I'm now a little more self aware and try to meet his needs. We aren't perfect and it's easy to fall back into your natural habits, but we're both a little more understanding of one another now. It also doesn't hurt that we're both engineers and having actual quiz results in black and white helps appease our need for logic!

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

double post

smalfrie19 · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@Sammyantha13‌ H has always been kind of a closed off person even before we were married but we would still talk about things. He was very lovey dovey the first year we dated and told Me he loved me all the Time then that kind of faded. Which is fine, it happens when people get comfortable. But he's never been this closed off or gone so long without saying it and I feel lately like he doesn't even show it or seem interested in spending time with me. I come home and he's already home and relaxing with the dogs, messing around on his phone and barely bats an eye when I walk in the door. I feel like he's so complacent with our every day routine. We don't even sit next to eachother anymore when we watch tv at night after dinner when we are winding down. Does the five languages of love really help? Bc I have the book sitting on my coffee table and have never picked it up. I might start reading it.

we ended up going with the 7 priciples that make a marriage work by John Gottman, which can come off a little preachy to some people, but I have found it VERY insightful.

AprilH81 · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@Sammyantha13‌ H has always been kind of a closed off person even before we were married but we would still talk about things. He was very lovey dovey the first year we dated and told Me he loved me all the Time then that kind of faded. Which is fine, it happens when people get comfortable. But he's never been this closed off or gone so long without saying it and I feel lately like he doesn't even show it or seem interested in spending time with me. I come home and he's already home and relaxing with the dogs, messing around on his phone and barely bats an eye when I walk in the door. I feel like he's so complacent with our every day routine. We don't even sit next to eachother anymore when we watch tv at night after dinner when we are winding down. Does the five languages of love really help? Bc I have the book sitting on my coffee table and have never picked it up. I might start reading it.

I did the online quiz and it said my #1 love language is touch and it is spot on. I am happiest when DH randomly give me a hug or shows physical affection. I find that I also tend to show love through touch (holding hands while walking out to the car after a date, leaning against him on the couch while watching tv, etc.). DH has not done this and I would be curious to see what his is, because he is hard to read in that area. Even if you don't do the whole book you can at least do the online quiz and discuss that with each other.

Counseling? What to expect?

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