Why don't I know anything about wedding planning....

jakeiaf · August 2014

So I keep seeing that a bridesmaids only duty is to show up dressed and sober. And I thought differently... I asked because I just read a whole thread on a bride asking her bridesmaid to help her stuff envelopes. I didn't think that was such a bad thing. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to help with things like that. Well not supposed as in required, but like it was in the list of things a bride did with her bridesmaid. So I am posing a HYPOTHETICAL question. I am having a wedding in Georgia and I just found out it's nice to leave a welcome to our wedding swag bag in the guests hotel room. If I ask my bridesmaids to help me make these bags would I be burdening them? Or would I be simply be asking my bridesmaids to help me with a small task? Disclaimer: I have not asked my bridesmaids to do this, and I hadn't planned to. I actually planned on making these with my little sisters, who asked could they please please please please do this (IN MY 13 YEAR OLD SISTER'S VOICE.) I am simply trying to figure out what everyone thinks the duties of a bridesmaids are. I'm only trying to see what opinions are on the matter and different takes on the issue. I knew the snarky brides would provide the best answers because they are awesome.

ShesSoCold · August 2014

There's nothing wrong with asking. It becomes a problem when you expect these people to do things for you and get upset when they don't help.

NYCMercedes · August 2014

jakeia0112 said:

So I keep seeing that a bridesmaids only duty is to show up dressed and sober. And I thought differently... I asked because I just read a whole thread on a bride asking her bridesmaid to help her stuff envelopes. I didn't think that was such a bad thing. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to help with things like that. Well not supposed as in required, but like it was in the list of things a bride did with her bridesmaid. So I am posing a HYPOTHETICAL question. I am having a wedding in Georgia and I just found out it's nice to leave a welcome to our wedding swag bag in the guests hotel room. If I ask my bridesmaids to help me make these bags would I be burdening them? Or would I be simply be asking my bridesmaids to help me with a small task? Disclaimer: I have not asked my bridesmaids to do this, and I hadn't planned to. I actually planned on making these with my little sisters, who asked could they please please please please do this (IN MY 13 YEAR OLD SISTER'S VOICE.) I am simply trying to figure out what everyone thinks the duties of a bridesmaids are. I'm only trying to see what opinions are on the matter and different takes on the issue. I knew the snarky brides would provide the best answers because they are awesome.

Have your bridesmaids asked you if you need any help?

jakeiaf · August 2014

NYCMercedes said:

jakeia0112 said:

So I keep seeing that a bridesmaids only duty is to show up dressed and sober. And I thought differently... I asked because I just read a whole thread on a bride asking her bridesmaid to help her stuff envelopes. I didn't think that was such a bad thing. I thought bridesmaids were supposed to help with things like that. Well not supposed as in required, but like it was in the list of things a bride did with her bridesmaid. So I am posing a HYPOTHETICAL question. I am having a wedding in Georgia and I just found out it's nice to leave a welcome to our wedding swag bag in the guests hotel room. If I ask my bridesmaids to help me make these bags would I be burdening them? Or would I be simply be asking my bridesmaids to help me with a small task? Disclaimer: I have not asked my bridesmaids to do this, and I hadn't planned to. I actually planned on making these with my little sisters, who asked could they please please please please do this (IN MY 13 YEAR OLD SISTER'S VOICE.) I am simply trying to figure out what everyone thinks the duties of a bridesmaids are. I'm only trying to see what opinions are on the matter and different takes on the issue. I knew the snarky brides would provide the best answers because they are awesome.

Have your bridesmaids asked you if you need any help?

Actually they have. However most of my bridesmaids live out of state so it's not much they really can do. The week of my wedding I'm sure there will be little stuff they can help with.

climbingsingle · August 2014

If your BMs offer to help you, you can definitely ASK them to help you. Demanding it or expecting it is out of line. You know who helped me stuff envelopes and make centerpieces? My FI. It's his wedding too. He was more than happy to help.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · August 2014

There's nothing wrong with a bridesmaid OFFERING to help and you take them up on it. That means they want to.

I have this insistence that I have to do this all myself. My one bridesmaid keeps asking to help. I finally admitted that I cannot organize a small gathering for all my bridesmaids to meet right now and she said "Leave it to me!" and gave me three locations to choose from. She wanted to help and I took her up on it.

A coworker's cousin is getting married next June and has already told my coworker's sister that she will be helping with the invitations and all the assembly that goes with them. The sister had no say, she was drafted.

peachy13 · August 2014

You're right about the hotel welcoming goodie/swag bag--- they're certainly a nice touch and your guests will be really happy. I think I plan to make them myself and enlist the help of my mother and sisters (who are BMs)... I don't think asking your BMs will be a big deal, some may really want to help you out in some way. You can phrase it like "let me know if you have time, no worries if not..." so they don't HAVE to help if they can't.

CMGragain · August 2014

There are two very proper ways to plan a wedding:
1. Plan it yourself.
2. Pay somebody else to plan your wedding.

Asking your bridesmaids to do wedding prep things for you out of the kindness of their hearts is rude and selfish. Bridesmaids are there to stand with you on your wedding day, wearing the dress, smiling for photos, and celebrating at the reception afterwards. They are not unpaid slave labor wedding planners.

mysticl · August 2014

My MOH did stuff for my wedding and I did stuff for hers. That's our relationship. There was no "I need you to do this" we just automatically do stuff together. If she had been doing swag bags I totally would have put them together. Instead I put together favors. But like I said that's us.

Word of advice make sure you talk to the hotel about the bags. Some will charge you a fee to hand them out.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

Since they offered to help, I think you're totally fine to ask them to do this. On the other hand, if your BMs were coming in to town just in time for your rehearsal and you were stomping your feet because they weren't there to help you for your special day .... Then you'd be a bitch

novella1186 · August 2014

BMs are an awesome source of help, when they want to help. A few of my BMs are really creative and keep asking if they can make/do stuff for my wedding, which is awesome. I think it crosses the line (WAY across) when you start demanding it and saying they are required to help, because they aren't. You seem to get it, though! I knew nothing about wedding planning either, till I started reading these boards

wajohnson09 · August 2014

If your ladies are offering help there is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting it.
Sweet that your little sis wants to help too

thisismynickname2 · August 2014

Here's a fun example. Two good friends of mine were attendants (bridesmaid and usher) at an out-of-state wedding. The wedding was a Sunday and the bridal party mostly arrived on Wednesday. The bride put them to work. They created centerpieces and whatnot.... even the bridesmaid's husband was put to work ironing tablecloths. (Tablecloths... at a country club wedding? I didn't even think that was an option to DIY.) When the bridesmaid told me this at the wedding, I was aghast. I was somewhat aware the bride was trying to save money, but sheesh. It wasn't even much of a party because by Sunday night (with a co-ed bachelor/ette on Friday night) everyone was exhausted. That is where I draw the line. They were not ASKED to do that, they were mandated... even the S/Os! ETA: no paragraphs

MandyMost · August 2014

CMGragain said:

There are two very proper ways to plan a wedding:
1. Plan it yourself.
2. Pay somebody else to plan your wedding.

Asking your bridesmaids to do wedding prep things for you out of the kindness of their hearts is rude and selfish. Bridesmaids are there to stand with you on your wedding day, wearing the dress, smiling for photos, and celebrating at the reception afterwards. They are not unpaid slave labor wedding planners.

Seriously? Friends help each other out. It really has nothing to do with being a bridesmaid or you getting married. You have a time-consuming menial task to do....you acknowledge that this is something that you chose to take on, and it's not one's "job" but yours. But you can of course ask for help! As friends, don't you help each other out all the time? Haven't you ever picked someone up from the airport, or stopped to bring ice to your best friend's party because they ran out? Or helped a single friend hang up a closet organizer, or paint a room? Or maybe a friend invited you over for dinner, and you helped chopped some veggies?

Right this very minute my mom is picking up my wedding invitations. She was free this afternoon, and I don't know the next time I"ll be able to get there before 5pm. Of COURSE it's not her job to do it, but she's doing me a favor. I don't feel bad for asking. But I would also have been fine if she said she was busy, or couldn't make it over there. I would have found another way.

As everyone else has mentioned, the key point is that you can ASK but you can't DEMAND. Make sure they know they don't have to.

thisismynickname2 · August 2014

@MandyMost, I think the community on TK is pretty anti-slave labor even though you are perfectly right that friends help each other out. Between the wedding industry propaganda and Pinterest, weddings these days are out of control.

I do believe most friends and family members are willing to help a bride out, but the entitlement culture is out of control. The TK community will bring entitled brides back down to earth with this simple fact: a bridesmaid is not a slave.

CMGragain · August 2014

MandyMost said:

CMGragain said:

There are two very proper ways to plan a wedding:
1. Plan it yourself.
2. Pay somebody else to plan your wedding.

Asking your bridesmaids to do wedding prep things for you out of the kindness of their hearts is rude and selfish. Bridesmaids are there to stand with you on your wedding day, wearing the dress, smiling for photos, and celebrating at the reception afterwards. They are not unpaid slave labor wedding planners.

Seriously? Friends help each other out. It really has nothing to do with being a bridesmaid or you getting married. You have a time-consuming menial task to do....you acknowledge that this is something that you chose to take on, and it's not one's "job" but yours. But you can of course ask for help! As friends, don't you help each other out all the time? Haven't you ever picked someone up from the airport, or stopped to bring ice to your best friend's party because they ran out? Or helped a single friend hang up a closet organizer, or paint a room? Or maybe a friend invited you over for dinner, and you helped chopped some veggies?

Right this very minute my mom is picking up my wedding invitations. She was free this afternoon, and I don't know the next time I"ll be able to get there before 5pm. Of COURSE it's not her job to do it, but she's doing me a favor. I don't feel bad for asking. But I would also have been fine if she said she was busy, or couldn't make it over there. I would have found another way.

As everyone else has mentioned, the key point is that you can ASK but you can't DEMAND. Make sure they know they don't have to.

I think asking people puts them in an uncomfortable position. There have been a lot of posts about girls who said, "Yes, I can help" when asked, but didn't come through.
I didn't say it was wrong to accept help from VOLUNTEERS. I addressed and sent my daughter's invitations, and we planned her wedding over the internet and The Knot. Two of her bridesmaids were very helpful, too, but they volunteered. She didn't ask them for help.
Ultimately, it is the bride and groom's job to plan their own wedding, unless they are willing to pay a professional to do it for them.

Knottie51227469 · August 2014

I believe part of the bridesmaids job is to help with the wedding! If you wanted someone to stand beside you and just look pretty for the camera, you could've had a dog, Part of being a bridesmaid is helping the bride! By no means am I saying they are your slave and burden them with everything you need to do, but help stuffing envelopes, or helping with set up or what-not comes as part of the job, if you ask me.

manateehugger · August 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I believe part of the bridesmaids job is to help with the wedding! If you wanted someone to stand beside you and just look pretty for the camera, you could've had a dog, Part of being a bridesmaid is helping the bride! By no means am I saying they are your slave and burden them with everything you need to do, but help stuffing envelopes, or helping with set up or what-not comes as part of the job, if you ask me.

Dude you realize you sound like one of the BSC chicks on Bridezillas, right?

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I believe part of the bridesmaids job is to help with the wedding! If you wanted someone to stand beside you and just look pretty for the camera, you could've had a dog, Part of being a bridesmaid is helping the bride! By no means am I saying they are your slave and burden them with everything you need to do, but help stuffing envelopes, or helping with set up or what-not comes as part of the job, if you ask me.

I looked all over salary.com and couldn't find the going rate for "bridesmaid" in my area. Do you know what a job like that pays?

PineapplePopsicles · August 2014

Also, @knottie51227469 I am COMPLETELY serious when I say this:

I noticed in some of your other posts that your bm's are 15, 15 and 20. That is THREE chances for you to make an impression as a "good" bride and teach them the proper way to do things. Treat them right, as bridesmaids, and then maybe, when it is their turn, they will follow your good example. Because I PROMISE they are watching you.

just something to think about.

Knottie51227469 · August 2014

It pays the HONOR that you were chosen to be the one to help make little decisions that women should make! You ALSO get paid in gifts! I know personally, I have spend probably AT LEAST 3 hours per bridesmaid looking for gifts that they would like, appreciate and use. Thats just my opinion. Wouldn't you help the bride if you were a bridesmaid in a friends wedding? Or would you just show up and be like "HI! IM HERE" now wheres the free food and pictures of me in a beautiful dress with my hair imacuilate?

manateehugger · August 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

It pays the HONOR that you were chosen to be the one to help make little decisions that women should make! You ALSO get paid in gifts! I know personally, I have spend probably AT LEAST 3 hours per bridesmaid looking for gifts that they would like, appreciate and use. Thats just my opinion. Wouldn't you help the bride if you were a bridesmaid in a friends wedding? Or would you just show up and be like "HI! IM HERE" now wheres the free food and pictures of me in a beautiful dress with my hair imacuilate?

STUCK IN THE BOX

You can't be for real. You realize YOU honor your friendship with them by asking them to be bridesmaids, right? It's not an honor to stand next to a screaming bride demanding that her bridesmaids plan her wedding.

And yeah, I've been an out-of-state bridesmaid twice, and I pretty much showed up for the wedding weekend. Oh and I spent hundreds of dollars on attire, hair and makeup, travel, and lodging. I'm glad my friends were just glad I spent time and money to be there and celebrate their marriage. Sorry, so sorry, if that doesn't mean as much as licking your envelopes.

Why do you want to treat your friends like slave labor?

Knottie51227469 · August 2014

PineapplePopsicles said:

Also, @knottie51227469 I am COMPLETELY serious when I say this:

I noticed in some of your other posts that your bm's are 15, 15 and 20. That is THREE chances for you to make an impression as a "good" bride and teach them the proper way to do things. Treat them right, as bridesmaids, and then maybe, when it is their turn, they will follow your good example. Because I PROMISE they are watching you.

just something to think about.

Absolutley! I agree! But helping the bride with minuscule things isnt slave labor...

beethery · August 2014

If a bridesmaid OFFERS to help, that is one thing. It is up to you to take it, and if they back out of helping for any reason, it is your duty as a not-asshole to deal with it like a reasonable adult.

Now, having expectations that your bridal party will show up for your crafting/envelope-licking/shopping for wedding supplies errands and then going OK ON SATURDAY WE ARE MAKING WEDDING FAVORS ETC, is a fucking dick move and totally unacceptable.

Even if something is miniscule, being a part of the bridal party does not mean they are obligated to help. They are obligated to show up in the dress you picked out, and hopefully be happy for you. That's it!

Knottie51227469 · August 2014

I agree @beethery!

My point is, if you are struggling with time and you need help, asking your bridesmaids to help doing something IS acceptable! Not overloading them with tasks.

manateehugger · August 2014

The fact that it's minuscule should tell you that you should just grow up and handle it yourself. Or you know, ask the person you are marrying to help you.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

goldchocobo said:

There's nothing wrong with a bridesmaid OFFERING to help and you take them up on it. That means they want to.

I have this insistence that I have to do this all myself. My one bridesmaid keeps asking to help. I finally admitted that I cannot organize a small gathering for all my bridesmaids to meet right now and she said "Leave it to me!" and gave me three locations to choose from. She wanted to help and I took her up on it.

A coworker's cousin is getting married next June and has already told my coworker's sister that she will be helping with the invitations and all the assembly that goes with them. The sister had no say, she was drafted.

Being Voluntold or drafted into doing something doesn't mean that one cannot fall victim to explosive diarrhea on whatever day said activity is to be held.

No seriously, grown ass adults can't be forced to do anything they don't want to do, even if a Bride told them that they needed to be doing something. Your coworker's sister should just firmly tell her cousin she can't make it that day, then change the subject if it is ever brought up again.

I think it's fine to accept help from WP members or family and friends if they offer to help you.

I think it's also fine to ask for help if you need it, but only in such a way as you are not trying to guilt ppl into helping you.

manateehugger · August 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

I agree @beethery!

My point is, if you are struggling with time and you need help, asking your bridesmaids to help doing something IS acceptable! Not overloading them with tasks.

You didn't say politely ask them. You said you think it's their job since they are bridesmaids.

Knottie51227469 · August 2014

Politely should be implied! Only Bridezilla would force someone to do their grunt work! Something here or there is fine to ask for help.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

Knottie51227469 said:

PineapplePopsicles said:

Also, @knottie51227469 I am COMPLETELY serious when I say this:

I noticed in some of your other posts that your bm's are 15, 15 and 20. That is THREE chances for you to make an impression as a "good" bride and teach them the proper way to do things. Treat them right, as bridesmaids, and then maybe, when it is their turn, they will follow your good example. Because I PROMISE they are watching you.

just something to think about.

Absolutley! I agree! But helping the bride with minuscule things isnt slave labor...

Um, yes it is when A) It's her damn wedding and not theirs

Brides have Fiances that should be pulling their weight and helping to do shit for their weddings.

Your post is exactly what we were talking about- Here you are a bride who expects that your WP do shit for you that you and your FI should be doing for yourselves.

You can ask ppl for help, but they are free to decline even if they are in the wedding party.
You can accept help from people when they offer it up freely.

beethery · August 2014

My whole thing is that if you are setting up a task that you couldn't handle on your own, don't include it, or pay a pro to do it. Don't expect others to help you, because they have their own lives and shit to do.

Why don't I know anything about wedding planning....

Re: Why don't I know anything about wedding planning....

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