Some Updates on Me/AWish

doeydo · August 2014

For those that remember my other posts, I thought I'd give a general update.

I might have made a new friend; we made plans and hung out today for the first time (we have met each other around before). As for the other person that I had messaged and asked if she wanted to go out for coffee or something, she never responded until yesterday, so like twelve or so days later. She said " Hey! I'd like that" with a smiley face. So, I asked her when was good for her and she has yet to respond. Oh well, if we meet up cool, if not that's OK too.

As for FI and I, I'm not happy. I don't know how to have the conversation though. Any tips? Thanks.

lc07 · August 2014

I've got to run but I saw this and had to respond. YAY! So proud of you. About everything!! *Hugs* More later.

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

The love it is for the new friend(s)! Yay!!

The other piece...you really, really need to tell him that. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to be comfortable being open and honest with him. You should feel and act like his equal. If he responds in a way that says he doesn't see you that way...that's a different conversation. This is a problem you both play an equal part in fixing together.

AddieCake · August 2014

Hooray for the new friend! And yes, you need to sit down and tell your fiance how you are feeling.

LadyMillil · August 2014

Yay on the new friend stuff!

I think you've mentioned that you are in counselling. Have you talked to your counsellor about being unhappy? Could you have a couples session with the counsellor mediating the discussion?

I sometimes make a list of the important points when I need to have a big conversation with DH. It helps keep me focused and prevents me from losing control of my emotions. It also helps me eliminate the I'm-upset-about-everything-you-do-because-I'm-angry-but-forgetting-to-load-the-dishwasher-isn't-a-huge-deal-and-doing-XYZ-is-the-BIG-issue-to-discuss.

Are you unhappy in a way that can be fixed? Is FI willing to work on the things that are making you unhappy? If you really, truly believe that the issues that make you unhappy can be resolved and that you will be happy with FI for the rest of your life I would suggest talking with him, either on your own or with a couples counsellor.

WinstonsGirl · August 2014

Yay for taking the scary step of inviting her out!! Even if you two never get together, good for you for trying!!

As for your DH, I think PP's have given you pretty good advice, so I'll leave it there.

lc07 · August 2014

I'm back! So the friend thing is so great! I'm glad that she responded. She is probably just a slow FB responder or slow at getting back to people in general. I love that she wants to get together with you.

As for your FI - you are in individual counseling, correct? I would ask your counselor how to discuss this with FI that will give you the best chance of getting the result that you want out of it. They should be able to help you clarify your goals with bringing this up to FI and how to word it in a way that will give you the best chance of him hearing and understanding.

If you are in couple's counseling, that is always a great, safe place to bring it up. I recommend doing it at the beginning of a session so it's the focal point and not an add-on or something that comes up at the end when time is running out.

doeydo · August 2014

Thank you all for taking the time to read my OP and give helpful and happy comments.

Yes, I am in individual and couples' counselling. I spoke with her about it in my last session, and she says if I truly don't think I can be happy and feel like everything is OK/good again, then it is the right thing for me to end it. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to go on as if everything is fine, me feeling the way I feel. I plan on talking to him about this in the next couple of days; I'm worried about how he'll take it and what will happen (I am assuming that I'll stay in the apartment and he will go, since everything is in my name, but then there is furniture and money stuff to be sorted out). I mean, we have been together for years, I care for him and everything, but I don't think it is going to work out.

AddieCake · August 2014

I'm so sorry, internet friend. Vibes that everything works out in the way that's best for both of you.

hellosweetie1015 · August 2014

I'm so sorry. I think PPs have covered it, but I just wanted to stop by and give you internet hugs and give you vibes of whatever kind you need.

Although YAY for new friends!

CMGragain · August 2014

Big hug for a grown up woman!
I love several men. I am married to one. No, I would never consider cheating. My other friend has been a friend since high school. I have seen him through two divorces. There was a time when we were very close. I maybe could have married him, but I knew it wouldn't be right for either of us. We are still in touch. DH likes him, too.
Just because you love someone, doesn't mean that you should get married. Getting married doesn't mean that it is wrong to have love for others, either.
I think you have come to the right conclusion about your relationship. You will always love your current FI, but it doesn't sound like marrying him would be best for either of you. You need to start making plans to live separately.
I know that you will be going through a lot of pain (growth) in the next year. Later, you will look back and realize that all was for the best. You deserve the best. You are a wonderful, loving, sharing lady.

lc07 · August 2014

Doey, I know this is hard. Like really, really, really hard. Just know that I am so proud of you for doing what is right. Let us know how we can support you. *hugs*

theartistformerlyknownas · August 2014

I'm with CMG - I know what it's like to love someone but know you shouldn't marry them. I'm really proud of you for being honest about that, with yourself and with him. We're here for you through whatever may come. (((Hugs)))

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 · August 2014

That shitty cliche "If you love something, set it free" kind of works here. If it isn't working, then you can't wrack yourself with guilt on what could have been. You are so strong to do what is best for yourself AND him. I see you posting on The Nest and you are so kind to others and very aware of yourself and your situations in life. I want nothing but the best for you.

Yay for your friend getting back to you! I admit, I am mad that she had you wait. I am sitting here making this face:

....but I am glad she got back to you and it is working out.

doeydo · August 2014

Thank you everyone. I told him maybe it was best if we separated, and I felt like it broke both of our hearts. We had a long talk, I was open and honest with him about everything. I always have so much going on in my head that I never usually talk about, and I've been walking around holding it all in and just felt depressed or something. We decided to stay together and work on it, giving it time for my trust to rebuild and make "date nights" and things so we can both feel more loved and wanted (we say "I love you" and stuff, but I guess we have fallen into the kind of routine where you don't really show your love as much). We would also like to see our counselor more often, and if she is too busy, then maybe she can refer us to someone else.

AddieCake · August 2014

I think that having a new friend and someone to spend some time with and do things with will really help you see where you are. Perhaps you will discover that all you needed was "a life of your own" so to speak to either realize you aren't interested in pursuing this relationship or to realize that you can be happy with him as long as you have your own life, too.

Some Updates on Me/AWish

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