Counseling? What to expect?

shelbygetsmarried1214 · August 2014

I'm in the process of becoming a clinical psychologist and let me tell you... there is no shame in going! It's super beneficial and you'll find yourself having great communication and working things out in a much more functional way. Good luck, I'm sure you'll love the results!

scrunchythief · August 2014

l I was actually going to recommend the 5 love languages stuff based off of your OP. In particular, the comment about you feeling like you want him to say I love you more and he thinks since you know he does, he shouldn't have to say it made me think that it might be helpful.

DH and I did couple's counseling about two years into dating and then pre-marital counseling. He's always had a negative view of counseling (for himself), but when I asked if he'd go with me, he agreed right away. I kind of see it as a problem that your husband both won't go to counseling and pretty much refuses to talk out issues with you. I've seen patterns of not resolving problems become very unhealthy. My parents were married for over 20 years before getting divorced and my mom told me at one point they were still arguing then about things that started while they were dating.

Also, maybe you could try taking a break in a discussion/argument when you've seen your husband shutting down? Instead of dropping it, you could ask when is a good time to revisit this topic? That way you're both not just over-emotionally reacting to each other, but you don't feel ignored since there will be a set time to discuss things later (hopefully).

CMGragain · August 2014

OP, you cannot fix a relationship all by yourself. It takes both people to solve a problem. He has to be willing to try.

lc07 · August 2014

I have done couples counseling as well as individual counseling. My individual counselor does couples counseling but wouldn't see as us a couple since she had already spent a year hearing my side of things. But she gave us an excellent recommendation to a couples counselor. My H didn't want to go either (we fought about going), but he went and did participate. I just wish we had done it so much sooner. Maybe we could have saved it. Maybe not.

But I think you're on the right path, OP. And if you don't like the first person you meet with try someone else. There are a lot of different styles.

Some of my very good friends are having great success with couples counseling. Unfortunately, it did not save my marriage. But it gave me peace that I was making the right choice that I could not continue in the marriage. Either way it will be a wonderful thing for you.

*hugs*

lc07 · August 2014

Also, feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk in more detail about things or need a shoulder. I know how awful it feels to be in the position you're in.

doeydo · August 2014

I see someone by myself as well as with my FI. We've been going for roughly 1.5 - 2 years. The counselor helped give us tools to use IRL (for example, grounding helps me calm down as I get anxious a lot). It also provides a safe, neutral space to talk about whatever you feel like. You also get another person's (who is a professional) perspective and advice.

Sugargirl1019 · August 2014

After you do the 5 love languages, I vote taking the initiative and taking your husband out on a date. Something more than dinner and a movie. Maybe setting up a tent in a park, a picnic, bring some wine, maybe go karting? Go to the aquarium or zoo?

And incorporate his love language.

Good luck OP!

Sammyantha13 · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

Does the five languages of love really help? Bc I have the book sitting on my coffee table and have never picked it up. I might start reading it.

Yes!! I think it will help open your eyes. And if you already have it, then that's an easy decision! And if your H is a reader then maybe you can casually discuss with him what you are learning from it and pique his interest too.

ashley8918 · August 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Definitely start out by yourself and your therapist may be able to help how you approach things with your FI from your side. H and I went for a few sessions before we got engaged. At first he wouldn't come and I also started out by myself. I finally got him to come "for me" since he saw it was so important to me. It helped to give him an "out" that he was only coming b/c it was so important to me, because for many guys it is hard to admit that they might need outside help for themselves.

FI and I got into a BIG fight last night about him refusing to go to counselling. It really hurt because even after I stressed how important it was to me and how it could be a serious dealbreaker, he still refused. You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that starting out by yourselves worked for so many of you ladies. Honestly, I was so down last night, I actually considered leaving.

I am going to give this a shot. Internet strangers, I owe you the biggest thank you.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@ashley8918‌ I was really down last night as well. I was camping Saturday into Sunday, girls camping weekend. I got up at 7 Saturday and cleaned the kitchen so it wouldn't be a mess when I got home yesterday. I specifically asked H before I left to put his dishes in the dishwasher bc he NEVER does it. I got home last night to a sink full of dishes. I asked him why he had to leave them all in the sink for me to do. His response "why do you have to be a bitch the second you walk in the door?"

Normally I would lose it but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I'm still down today. I just can't deal with it. It's a simple task. And he did literally nothing else all weekend except go to the gym. Why do I have to be gone for two days and come home to a mess. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know he's not happy either. And it's not that I want to hear my husband say he isn't happy but at this point I just want to hear SOMETHING out of his mouth that means we can move forward.

My first counseling session is on the 29th so I'm really just trying to avoid any huge fights between now and then.

KatieinBkln · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@ashley8918‌ I was really down last night as well. I was camping Saturday into Sunday, girls camping weekend. I got up at 7 Saturday and cleaned the kitchen so it wouldn't be a mess when I got home yesterday. I specifically asked H before I left to put his dishes in the dishwasher bc he NEVER does it. I got home last night to a sink full of dishes. I asked him why he had to leave them all in the sink for me to do. His response "why do you have to be a bitch the second you walk in the door?" Normally I would lose it but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I'm still down today. I just can't deal with it. It's a simple task. And he did literally nothing else all weekend except go to the gym. Why do I have to be gone for two days and come home to a mess. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know he's not happy either. And it's not that I want to hear my husband say he isn't happy but at this point I just want to hear SOMETHING out of his mouth that means we can move forward. My first counseling session is on the 29th so I'm really just trying to avoid any huge fights between now and then.

Yikes. I am so sorry.

Although I think having your H call you a bitch is definitely a sign that something is wrong. No, he's not vocalizing "I'm upset, I'm unhappy," but the b-word is unacceptable, to me--and a very clear verbalization that Things Aren't Right. I think you can say as much to him--point out that it isn't like him to speak to you that way (it isn't...right?) and that you see it as a sign things are really wrong.

Good luck, again. I'll be thinking of you.

buttercup1958 · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@ashley8918‌ I was really down last night as well. I was camping Saturday into Sunday, girls camping weekend. I got up at 7 Saturday and cleaned the kitchen so it wouldn't be a mess when I got home yesterday. I specifically asked H before I left to put his dishes in the dishwasher bc he NEVER does it. I got home last night to a sink full of dishes. I asked him why he had to leave them all in the sink for me to do. His response "why do you have to be a bitch the second you walk in the door?" Normally I would lose it but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I'm still down today. I just can't deal with it. It's a simple task. And he did literally nothing else all weekend except go to the gym. Why do I have to be gone for two days and come home to a mess. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know he's not happy either. And it's not that I want to hear my husband say he isn't happy but at this point I just want to hear SOMETHING out of his mouth that means we can move forward. My first counseling session is on the 29th so I'm really just trying to avoid any huge fights between now and then.

Yeah sorry but name calling like that is uncalled for. I wouldn't have let that go either. I would have left the house and gone somewhere else. But in my past relationships once that type of name calling started, it never stopped. So maybe I'm more harsh on that.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@KatieinBkln‌ there has been name calling in the past during heated arguments. which I know is not good, but he has always apologized. This wasn't even an argument. It was just a statement. And normally an argument would ensue but I really just can't anymore. I'm drained emotionally and mentally and I just can't fight anymore. I don't have the energy.

KatieinBkln · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@KatieinBkln‌ there has been name calling in the past during heated arguments. which I know is not good, but he has always apologized. This wasn't even an argument. It was just a statement. And normally an argument would ensue but I really just can't anymore. I'm drained emotionally and mentally and I just can't fight anymore. I don't have the energy.

I am so sorry.

All I can tell you is that it doesn't have to be this way. The more you tell us the more I am glad you're going to the counselor on your own--no one can know what the "ending" will look like here, but at the very least you will have an empathetic and professional ear to speak with, and s/he will be able to give you some tools to help you get to a place where you can be happy again. I am hopeful for you that your marriage can be mended, but mostly that you yourself will be healed and happy--whatever that may look like for you.

climbingsingle · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@ashley8918‌ I was really down last night as well. I was camping Saturday into Sunday, girls camping weekend. I got up at 7 Saturday and cleaned the kitchen so it wouldn't be a mess when I got home yesterday. I specifically asked H before I left to put his dishes in the dishwasher bc he NEVER does it. I got home last night to a sink full of dishes. I asked him why he had to leave them all in the sink for me to do. His response "why do you have to be a bitch the second you walk in the door?" Normally I would lose it but I just didn't have the energy anymore. I'm still down today. I just can't deal with it. It's a simple task. And he did literally nothing else all weekend except go to the gym. Why do I have to be gone for two days and come home to a mess. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know he's not happy either. And it's not that I want to hear my husband say he isn't happy but at this point I just want to hear SOMETHING out of his mouth that means we can move forward. My first counseling session is on the 29th so I'm really just trying to avoid any huge fights between now and then.

Ugh. I had an ex like this too. How fucking hard is it to just clean your dishes? Whenever I went away, I would come home to a messy house. It used to drive me insane.

I hope counseling goes well. I'll be thinking about you.

SJM7538 · August 2014

@ClimbingBrideNY‌ I think the exact same thing!! I don't get it bc he did all of this stuff before I moved in. I moved in and bam he does nothing. I mean he does all the yard work and if he had mowed the lawn or something over the weekend I may have given him a pass. But he didn't. He sat around and relaxed all damn weekend. And this is what happens... I get pissed bc I feel like I'm taking care of a Child and he says I'm "nagging" and then it just completely spirals. Just put the god damn dish in the dishwasher! Why is that so much to ask! lol

Again just the tip of the ice berg but I feel like it should just be common sense. Especially when I specifically asked before I left. I really can't wait to talk to a professional and try to figure this out

SJM7538 · August 2014

I also just want to thank everyone on her for the support and kind words. It's such a shitty feeling when you don't know what is in store for your marriage. But the support and sharing of experiences has helped. And this isn't something I'm 100 percent comfortable sharing with family.

I'm super close with my MIL and saw her last week. She asked how we were doing and all I wanted to do was scream and say "talk some damn sense in your son bc he's going to lose me if he doesn't get his crap together!!" But obviously I told her we were fine. Lol

climbingsingle · August 2014

SJM7538 said:

@ClimbingBrideNY‌ I think the exact same thing!! I don't get it bc he did all of this stuff before I moved in. I moved in and bam he does nothing. I mean he does all the yard work and if he had mowed the lawn or something over the weekend I may have given him a pass. But he didn't. He sat around and relaxed all damn weekend. And this is what happens... I get pissed bc I feel like I'm taking care of a Child and he says I'm "nagging" and then it just completely spirals. Just put the god damn dish in the dishwasher! Why is that so much to ask! lol Again just the tip of the ice berg but I feel like it should just be common sense. Especially when I specifically asked before I left. I really can't wait to talk to a professional and try to figure this out

My ex was like this too. And we actually rented a house so the grounds were taken care of by the landlord. He did all of this stuff when he lived on this own, but once we moved into together he stopped doing anything.

I'd ask all the time for help around the house. I think I can count on one hand the times he actually did a load of laundry, or did the dishes without me asking. I also felt like I was caring for a child. It didn't feel like I actually had a partner. I could only put up with that for so long.

SJM7538 · August 2014

And.... I emptied the sink into the dishwasher at 7 am before I left for work. Went home on lunch and there are two glasses and plate in the sink. H was out to lunch with his mom. I swear I'm going to go bananas over this stupid dishwasher.

Counseling? What to expect?

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