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wedding guest etiquette

bridet0be15bridet0be15 member
25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My FI and I are going to a wedding next month. We are both friends with the other couple but he is closer with the groom then I am with the bride. I called today to book our hotel (it is over an hour away) at their recommended place. The cheapest room is $200/night with a 2 night minimum +fees (not in our budget because we are buying a house and getting married ourselves). It is not in a location where there would be other things to do for the weekend. Even if we booked both nights we couldn't stay both because of other obligations. I called one of our friends to see if we could possibly share a room but haven't heard back. I looked into other hotels but the ones without the minimum are run down motels. From the beginning my FI has said all he wants to do is go to the ceremony and dinner and leave shortly after saying congrats because he isn't as close with them anymore and doesn't want to go. I told him that it was rude to do that. Now I am wondering how long would we have to stay at the wedding without being rude when we left?
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Re: wedding guest etiquette

  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    I think you should stay until the cake is cut personally. Otherwise, go to the ceremony and skip the reception, or skip the event entirely.
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  • justcallmesamsonjustcallmesamson member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think it's perfectly acceptable to attend the ceremony only, as long as you let them know ahead of time so they're not paying for a meal you're not going to eat.  Just politely tell them you are thrilled to be there for the wedding but won't be able to stay for dinner.  
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I don't think it's rude to leave whenever you feel like leaving. If you RSVP yes, and they have a place and meal for you, and you stay for just that meal, there is no reason to feel guilty about leaving shortly thereafter. You haven't cost them anything extra.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

     

    bridet0be15 said:
    My FI and I are going to a wedding next month. We are both friends with the other couple but he is closer with the groom then I am with the bride. I called today to book our hotel (it is over an hour away) at their recommended place. The cheapest room is $200/night with a 2 night minimum +fees (not in our budget because we are buying a house and getting married ourselves). It is not in a location where there would be other things to do for the weekend. Even if we booked both nights we couldn't stay both because of other obligations. I called one of our friends to see if we could possibly share a room but haven't heard back. I looked into other hotels but the ones without the minimum are run down motels. From the beginning my FI has said all he wants to do is go to the ceremony and dinner and leave shortly after saying congrats because he isn't as close with them anymore and doesn't want to go. I told him that it was rude to do that. Now I am wondering how long would we have to stay at the wedding without being rude when we left?

    Most traditionally it is "safe" to leave a reception after the cake is cut.  There is nothing wrong with your FI's plan.
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  • perdonamiperdonami member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    If it is too much of an inconvience and you both don't seem to be that close to the couple anymore, you can always decline. If you want to show your support you can still send them a gift with a lovely card or just a lovely card. 

    I wouldn't just go for the dinner and leave though, especially since you explained that your fiance doesn't want to go at all. I'd just skip and wish them congratualtions instead. 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'd leave whenever you know all "events" are over. The wedding I just attended this weekend had cocktail hour, then cake-cutting, then toasts, then dinner, and then the first dance. It would have been appropriate to leave after the first dance. Not all wedding receptions follow the same timeline. Addie makes a good point about what you're "costing them" (the meal!) so if you know you can't even stay for the meal, definitely RSVP accordingly.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    Honestly, bride & groom will probably be too busy to really even notice or care, especially if it's a larger wedding with a lot of other guests.  But, if it were me, I would just be happy that you came.  And I wouldn't be upset at all if you said you had other obligations and couldn't stay late.  Now, if you came just for dinner, but didn't come to ceremony, I may be a bit upset.  But, to me, I think it would be okay to go to ceremony & dinner, then leave shortly after.  I was at a wedding over the weekend where a few guests left within 1/2 hour after dinner because they had long drives home.  And several left about an hour or two after dinner, rather than staying late.  

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    We did this at a wedding we attended 3 weeks ago. We went to the ceremony, stayed for cocktail hour, dinner, mingled, played a couple of their lawn games, but left around 8pm. I don't remember if the cake had been cut or not.
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  • bridet0be15bridet0be15 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    We already RSVP we would be there back in June therefore we will be going to a portion of the reception no matter what (including the dinner). He feels an obligation to go to the wedding and stay for some part of it (as little as possible if it were up to him).  I have just never left a wedding early before.  I want to stay for at least the dinner, cake, and first dance.. but wasn't sure if we had to stay until the very end of the reception.  Sounds like after all the wedding activities are done and it is time for everyone to get up and dance shortly after that we would be safe to go?

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  • bridet0be15bridet0be15 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
    I forgot to say we would also go to the ceremony before hand. Thank you. I feel better about not staying the night or two. I have been to a wedding where the bride got mad at people and confronted them about not staying at the hotel.
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  • mimivacmimivac member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments 100 Love Its
    I would imagine that there will be others in your shoes. It doesn't seem reasonable that the couple blocked off rooms where there was a 2-night minimum. I wouldn't want to stay either.
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  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Many people leave after the cake is cut, as that is the official end of dinner and the start of party time. In our family, the B&G always cut the cake as soon as they finish eating so older guests and those with children can have some cake and leave before it gets too late. Nobody is obligated to stay until the end of the reception.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh, heavens no - you do not need to stay until the bitter end. 

    And personally, for me, an hour a way is definitely not "stay overnight" territory for me, let alone two nights.  That's well within the realm of single day trip territory.  Most of the reception "events" are usually done within the first hour and a half of the reception (not including cocktail hour, if they are having one).  The order of it will vary though.  They'll probably have a program where you can figure out when the best time to leave is.

    IMO, the "must attend" portions are ceremony, receiving line, dinner, and cake cutting.  Some will argue first dance as well.  Once you've seen those, feel free to head home.
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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    bridet0be15 said:
    I forgot to say we would also go to the ceremony before hand. Thank you. I feel better about not staying the night or two. I have been to a wedding where the bride got mad at people and confronted them about not staying at the hotel.
    There are no rules on that. That is just a "bridezilla" moment. you have zero obligation to stay in a hotel.

    You also do NOT have to stay the wedding the entire night. in fact, most people do not do that. Honestly? I could not even remotely tell you when my guests left throughout the night. I totally understand people leave early
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Definitely no need to stay the whole time. Your plan is perfectly acceptable. 

    Also, and hour or so away is definitely doable to drive back home. 

    In regards to the 2 night minimum, I've been to a few weddings where you had to stay 2 nights. It's usually in a touristy place in the summer (Cape Cod, Newport, etc). It doesn't matter where you stay, most of the places in that area have that requirement (except for the motels). 
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  • novella1186novella1186 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    We were at a wedding last fall where our table was taken away before we were even done eating because they needed to make room for the dance floor, so we were forced to just stand awkwardly in the corner during cake cutting and desert. We left right after that and did not feel the least bit guilty about ducking out early. 

    I think it would be unrealistic for a bride to expect people to stay the entire time anyway. It's a party, not a jail sentence. 
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  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I would say that it would be polite to stay for the meal if you RSVPd yes to that, but if the cake is cut later (after dancing and whatever) you do not have to stay for that. You are not a hostage and the bride/groom cannot hold you there  until late into the night by cutting the cake late.  

    For the record, we are cutting the cake after table visits near the end of the dinner so that cake can be available immediately after dinner. FI refuses to cut it before dinner, something about no dessert before dinner. Silly man, cake can be eaten whenever.

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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You can leave a reception at any time that you want (gasp, even before the cake is cut!).  If you only want or can stay for dinner then do that.  There is nothing keeping you from leaving once you finish eating.

    For our wedding we had 2-3 couples that had to leave after dinner because of other obligations.  They came up to us, thanked us for including them (and we thanked them for coming), they apologized that they had to leave early, and we made sure to let them know that we understood and were just happy that they could come for any length of time.

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  • Fairyjen1Fairyjen1 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
       The two night minimum might not be the bride's (and grooms, why do we always let guys off the hook an blame the bride) fault. We went to a wedding last year in wine country and every nearby hotel had a two night minimum except the B & B we booked at, which is the reason we ended up staying there. It was listed on the couples wedding website as the only place without the two night minimum so they were aware it was an issue.

       I suppose the couple could have negotiated harder to have the place waive the two night minimum, or booked in a different area where it wasn't as common.  
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