Chit Chat

Okay so maybe I'm a little bossy

edited August 2014 in Chit Chat
FI has always (jokingly, I think) told me I suffer from OCS: Only Child Syndrome. I have an older sister but she's 8 years older than me so we never really had to share much. That being said, when FI and I first got together I was not a sharer. I wanted my own space, don't touch the food on my plate, and no you can't mess with my things. I'm still largely independent, but I've gotten better about sharing and we've happily lived together for 2 years now and I haven't tried to kill him yet or drew any lines down the furniture designating 'my side'. 

However, FI recently pointed out to me that I have been incredibly bossy and controlling about the wedding-planning and that this might as well be "MY wedding" because I'm only agreeing to the things I want to do. Of course my initial reaction was  "That's CRAZY!! I'm open to ANY of your suggestions but you never have any!!!"

Boy did he have the ammo to shoot that comment down. He listed several things he suggested that I was not okay with such as the food we had at the reception, the types of dish we served the food on, alcohol stuff, and inviting certain people. I realized he was right, I had shot down a lot of his ideas because I didn't like them. I further realized that I have been treating this like MY wedding and that we can only do the things I approve of, and that's not fair. So I'm making more of an effort to breathe when he suggests something I find tacky, and now we discuss it and come to an agreement. I've won some things (like we absolutely will not have our guests move their chairs from the ceremony site to the reception area, we're hiring someone for that) and he's won some things (fine, we can invite all of your rowdy biker friends as long as they behave themselves and there are no keg stands/flashing of body parts during the reception). 

We've learned a lot about each other during this whole wedding planning process. They weren't kidding when they said being engaged and married was completely different than just living together. Thankfully he still loves me and WANTS to marry me. My message to you is hear your guy out. Maybe his idea is awful and tacky, but he probably doesn't spend all day on TK like you or I do to read about what shouldn't happen at a wedding. Cut him some slack and talk it out, and sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and agree to let him have the moonshine fountain he desperately wants...
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Re: Okay so maybe I'm a little bossy

  • It's good that you're willing to take a look in the mirror when he points stuff out... I am working on getting better at that.

    There was someone posting recently about the perfect wedding they planned when they were 4 and so that's EXACTLY what they're doing now. *eyeroll* I almost pulled the "what about your FI..." but I was just...
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  • That's awesome that you're able to critique yourself and try to adjust where you see flaws. More people should work on that (including myself!). I feel so sorry for the FIs of the girls who post on here with crap like "help, my FI wants to choose his own suit, and he likes GRAY! Ew!" Like, what? You won't even allow him to choose his own outfit for his own wedding day? We have a close guy friend with a very controlling & overbearing GF who's kind of crazypants. She's my model of how NOT to act. When we started the wedding planning, I wanted my FI's opinion on everything from the colors to the food to the bar. I wanted to make sure it was OUR wedding and OUR style, and he has had some really awesome input along the way. Never mind that he suggested B-listing a few people... I took a deep breath and calmly explained why we will not, and then let it go :P
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  • Ugh TK ate my paragraphs!
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  • I wish Fi had opinions! He just says,"Whatever you want, I'll show up!"
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  • H and I instituted a couple "code phrases" a few years ago to help both of us communicate (thanks to my panicked reading on LDRs). We sat down and agreed on the phrase and worked out examples for when we think they should be used.  

    "You're getting pushy" is the one we use when we think the other is steamrolling. 

    "You're getting nasty" is the one we use when we think the other is making the argument more personal and tangential. 

    We have a few more like those. They aren't fail proof, but they certainly help both of us take a step back when things are getting heated over things that don't deserve the heat (wedding planning included). It's a work in progress. Sometimes I try argue that he's abusing the phrase and keep going. Sigh. I'm working on it. 
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  • Well I have a little bit of a groomzilla on my side...but I find it adorable. Dude knows what he wants!
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  • I wish Fi had opinions! He just says,"Whatever you want, I'll show up!"

    Fi says the same thing. Drives me crazy. I've taken to giving him options and making him choose. It turns out that he has lots of opinions, he's just not as interested.

    As long as he gets to marry me and eat cake, he's happy. I chose well :)
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  • Between my anti-confrontational nature and FI's "Whatever makes you happy" attitude, there are days where I wonder how we'll ever actually plan a wedding, haha. Safe to say I don't hit the bossy mark.

    It's really good that you're able to see that and make adjustments though! Even if maybe it took a little prompting. :D
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  • I also have OCS... I can be pretty bossy and I would be lying if I said I was not used to getting things my way.
    I try to be fair, but there are times where it will come out... FI says it has its advantages (We got tons of discounts on our car due to it) but I am sure it frustrates him every once in awhile.
    Strangely it has not been an issue for our wedding at all, I really wanted him to be a part of it...
    We picked venue, food, guestlist together. I picked the pretty stuff like flowers, centerpieces and BP attire... While he picked all the music. I think we are a pretty good team for that.

    Its while we are driving that we drive each other nuts haha.
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