Is it okay...

lavasca · August 2014

To accept help if people offer. I didn't know how many people in my life have been wedding planners, caterers and photographers. These are people on the guest list mainly - maybe 2 exceptions. Is it alright to accept especially if I pay expenses. I can pay food expenses. It looks like I can print most decorations at home.

bridesontherun · August 2014

Be careful on this one. Accepting help is one thing, having other people actually work your wedding is another. Food and expenses is not payment. I'm a photographer, and it's been known to come out of my mouth that I would help, be it a sense of obligation, or an over-achieving personality. But when I offer help, I do not mean free. I mean I will offer you my best deal and make sure you are taken care of properly.
So yes, accept help from friends that offer - but expect to pay them for time and services they are providing to you on their day. (+ expenses)

Just to give you an example... If it's a friends wedding and I'm going above and beyond I take charge of the photography. I'm there early, they'll do a first look, I'll shoot all the set up, ceremony, post we'd photos with all their friends and family, and reception. I'll be working all day to get the same plate of food I would have gotten as a non-working guest. Then I go home and I spend the next 40 hours times 3 weeks editing your photos so you have a beautiful finished product that I would be happy to have my name associated with. So for 128 hours of work you think paying for me to be able to work, and the food while I'm there is enough? That is not how you treat friends.

Friends are your best resource, and if you want their help offer to pay them full price plus expenses to show them you appreciate them not getting to celebrate your day with you as a guest. Be generous with your friends. If you don't wish to do that and you can't afford your friends professional help, but they offer to help - utilize them as a resource. Tell them up front "it's not in my budget to be able to afford you, but I'd like your help interviewing at the level I can afford."
I often vet and refer more budget friendly photographers to my friends that ask, but can't afford even my "friends and family" rate.

Bottom line: yes accept help, don't try to not pay for the help you're getting. Understand help means assisting, not in lieu of payment.

manateehugger · August 2014

lavasca said:

To accept help if people offer. I didn't know how many people in my life have been wedding planners, caterers and photographers. These are people on the guest list mainly - maybe 2 exceptions. Is it alright to accept especially if I pay expenses. I can pay food expenses. It looks like I can print most decorations at home.

If people offer, I think it's fine to accept.

However, for friends who are pro's, I would not assume that you'd get their services for free or at a discount. When/if they offer, say something like, "That could be great! Can you send me a quote of your going rate so I can look it over? Did you want to set up an appointment to discuss" Leave it to them how much they'd like to offer free advice or help or if they'd like to treat you pretty much like any other client. Never assume you'll get a deal; you may just get a vendor you trust and have a good relationship with (which is definitely worth a lot!).

For things like photography, I'd still get a contract despite the friendship. It protects both parties.

For friends who want to help you craft or something similar, I'd accept the help if you need it. But if I were you, I'd have them offer for dinner or a wine night while we did it just to show some gratitude that they are helping you with your personal projects.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

If people offer, you can accept. You should offer to pay if someone offers you a service. They can decline but at least you offered. You should have contracts with all vendors.

You should also consider whether you want that person to be "working" the day of your wedding, or if you want them to relax and attend as a guest.

Sometimes things like this can get sticky/awkward. If you don't want to risk that, just say "thanks so much, but we're covered".

cammy923 · August 2014

Accepting help from others should not be a problem as long as everyone involved is comfortable with it. I've got a few people who have offered to help with various things (ex. photography, food etc.) and are refusing payment and saying that it is their wedding gift to us. However since they are still providing a service to us that will cut overall costs on our behalf (Mine, FI and my parents) I am putting together a gift basket for them to show our appreciation.

Hope this helps!

tammym1001 · August 2014

cammy923 said:

Accepting help from others should not be a problem as long as everyone involved is comfortable with it. I've got a few people who have offered to help with various things (ex. photography, food etc.) and are refusing payment and saying that it is their wedding gift to us. However since they are still providing a service to us that will cut overall costs on our behalf (Mine, FI and my parents) I am putting together a gift basket for them to show our appreciation.

Hope this helps!

I used to own a bakery. I did wedding cakes for friends as wedding presents. If they would have given me a gift in return then I would have felt like I needed to get them something else as their wedding present.

A gift is a gift. Accept it graciously and thank them profusely, but buying them a gift for their wedding gift doesn't make any sense.

ohannabelle · August 2014

I really try to avoid hiring friends in a professional capacity. Because if something goes wrong, or they flake, you're stuck.

jenna8984 · August 2014

tammym1001 said:

cammy923 said:

Accepting help from others should not be a problem as long as everyone involved is comfortable with it. I've got a few people who have offered to help with various things (ex. photography, food etc.) and are refusing payment and saying that it is their wedding gift to us. However since they are still providing a service to us that will cut overall costs on our behalf (Mine, FI and my parents) I am putting together a gift basket for them to show our appreciation.

Hope this helps!

I used to own a bakery. I did wedding cakes for friends as wedding presents. If they would have given me a gift in return then I would have felt like I needed to get them something else as their wedding present.

A gift is a gift. Accept it graciously and thank them profusely, but buying them a gift for their wedding gift doesn't make any sense.

This is good to know! I have a few friends who are gifting me hairdressing/ makeup/ cake and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get them a gift. I probably just do a nice thank you card now.

lavasca · August 2014

I would definitely pay. I will definitely integrate the question about their costs and level and whether they will help me select what I can afford. One person would be affected during the ceremony, as day-of-coordinator. She offered, however, to do it for free. I will verify with everyone else. Thank you everyone!

cammy923 · August 2014

tammym1001 said:
I used to own a bakery. I did wedding cakes for friends as wedding presents. If they would have given me a gift in return then I would have felt like I needed to get them something else as their wedding present.

A gift is a gift. Accept it graciously and thank them profusely, but buying them a gift for their wedding gift doesn't make any sense.

I can see that, lol, I'd just feel so guilty, that I'd feel like I needed to pay them on some level, be it monetarily or other. However, like I said, I can totally see your point, and will re-think my gift back to them...

dragonavicious · August 2014

I would definitely tread lightly. Bring up the quote price for sure so they know you aren't expecting them to just give it for free and then if they dismiss that and say "No, it's a gift" then you can relinquish all guilt. Just make sure you don't push them to do things you wouldn't expect your other vendors to do, especially since you aren't paying them extra.

lavasca · August 2014

Gotcha!

tammym1001 · August 2014

cammy923 said:

tammym1001 said:
I used to own a bakery. I did wedding cakes for friends as wedding presents. If they would have given me a gift in return then I would have felt like I needed to get them something else as their wedding present.

A gift is a gift. Accept it graciously and thank them profusely, but buying them a gift for their wedding gift doesn't make any sense.

I can see that, lol, I'd just feel so guilty, that I'd feel like I needed to pay them on some level, be it monetarily or other. However, like I said, I can totally see your point, and will re-think my gift back to them...

Think of it this way: are you going to buy gifts for everyone else that attends your wedding and brings you a present? Of course you aren't, so why would you buy them a present to thank them for the wedding gift they gave you?

Cayjungrll · August 2014

My future hubby's aunts are all getting together and are catering our wedding reception... We did not ask them too, they said since we have a house full of stuff they wanted the food to be their gifts. We both accepted this wonderful gesture. My cousin is a photographer and lives in Texas, when she started she said she wanted to photograph our wedding and it is her gift to us for me doing her professional logo. I too had thought to give something as a thank you..I have a friend who paints on glasses ...

Karens62 · August 2014

I have a friend doing our photography. She used to do it professionally but had a change in life circumstances and had to sell all of her equipment except for one camera. She has refused even a token payment but we then agreed that I would purchase a spare battery, a flash strobe(?), and one other thing which I can't remember what it is. These are all things which will increase the quality of the photography, which she needs and makes me feel I am paying for her time, if not in cash. Since photos are not high on either of our "must haves" and we aren't planning on formats, going with my friend works for us. I've got a couple other friends making desserts but they just said I was being silly when I offered to pay for their time or ingredients so I graciously accepted and plan on having a small girls only cocktail party the week before to thank them and will send a nice note afterwards. So, offer to compensate, but if they truly say no, then be gracious and accept and send a very nice handwritten note afterwards.

Cayjungrll · August 2014

I agree with you... A lot of times when people do offer to help, they are doing it because they want to help, not always to be paid.

lavasca · August 2014

Thank you all. For those who offered their professional services I asked them for quotes. I have gotten 'free as my gift to you'. When they recommend their friends and connections I have asked for quotes. I made sure to state that if something is out of our price range I'd be very grateful for input on what is or who is.

drina0218 · August 2014

ohannabelle said:

I really try to avoid hiring friends in a professional capacity. Because if something goes wrong, or they flake, you're stuck.

To go off on this, I'm sure your friends are great, but weddings are stressful/emotional and things do go wrong. My friend's bil was supposed to shoot the wedding and flaked the day of because of a disagreement the night before. Thankfully, my FI had a decent Nikon and took all the pictures and played photographer for the day.

Sometimes it's best to go with a pro and a contract. No feelings to be hurt if things go wrong.

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