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How the beef with my sister started

The beef with my sister stemmed from Christmas a few years back. That Christmas, it was my twin sister's turn to host dinner. She invited her FI's parents, older sis and husband, me and my boyfriend, now DH. My older sister's husband likes to call the shots. He will rarely go to a dinner, hosted at someone else's house, and always make up some lame excuse. That year, twin sister's FI's parents were invited, and his mom was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. My sister invited them to dinner, because all of her FI's family wasn't really doing anything, and she didn't want them to spend Christmas alone.
   Older sis says her and husband are going.  A few days later, she calls back, and says they can't make it. she said that they don't think it's right to have people who aren't family at a Christmas dinner. My twin sister is engaged, they are her family. She asked me my opinion, and I said, "Honestly, I think it's bullshit.  You have a black friend who is invited EVERY major holiday when you host it, and I am sure we aren't related to him. (I have nothing against black people, but was just pointing out the absurdity that only family members should attend family functions.) 
   Then, a few seconds later she changed her story to say that her husband did not want to go because he didn't want to be around cancer. (His mother died of cancer 9 years ago.) I was floored that they would use cancer as an excuse. Twin sister's mom had more good days than bad, and didn't like to share her medical issues with anyone. I told older sis this.  She still said no.  I asked her how she would feel if we ever gave that excuse when her husband's mother had cancer and we refused to come to dinner, and make them chose between spending time with someone for their last Christmas or having dinner with them. That was the end of the conversation.  I was mad as hell, but it was just a fight.  The rest of us still enjoyed a beautiful Christmas without them, at my sister's house with her Fis family.
   I called sis the next day to see when she would like to hang out for the holidays, and she said their her husband didn't want her to see us for Christmas, because we put other people before our own family.  We should have cancelled that dinner and had dinner at their house.  I was disgusted by their selfishness, and that he was willing to use cancer as a cover because he just wanted to have dinner at his house. She said he is her husband, so she has to put him first.  I told her you don't put someone first when they are wrong. You privately discuss it, and set boundaries. That is when she told me the gem that I would die a spinster. And that is the last time we talked. I think I have a good reason to not talk to her, and it irritates me that everyone in my family acts like I am in the wrong. You don't walk out of my life twice and think I will beg you to be in my life when it is just a matter of time before you are commanded to no longer talk to me. She was the one to stop talking to me, and walked out of my life. I am just forever honoring this decision. Why does my family treat me like I need to be a doormat, just to be her sister again. This was the second time. No.

Re: How the beef with my sister started

  • Yeah I wouldn't talk to her either. I barely talk to my brother right now. He doesn't respect my beliefs or choices so I rather not subject myself to that. He sounds like your sister and I'm sorry. I never got the idea that since we are family they can treat you like crap and still expect you to be around. Nope sorrynotsorry
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    themuffinman16
  • I don't blame you one bit! Older sis's H is nuts. He is no more related to you and your twin that her FILs! And frankly, my own MIL is closer than my sister's husband (at least in terms of scheduling a meal.) Good grief!
    themuffinman16
  • This sounds like an abusive relationship. While I wouldn't speak to her either, I'd make sure tho se that do know what to look for.
  • Yeah, they are assholes.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Sorry that your sister is failing to be reasonable.  I think it's fine that you are respecting her choice to cease communicating.  It sounds like her husband is mentally controlling.  So, she may snap out of it, so keep in mind that that marriage may not last and she will need your support after she realizes that he isolated her from her loved ones.

    Good luck.
    Happiness is an inside job
    bwy
  • I'm sorry but what a bunch of asshats! They must be very miserable in their own selfishness to use that as an excuse.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • bwybwy member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    WOW, that takes a lot of gall. 
  • That's total BS. Does your family know why you and your sister no longer talk? I would hope that your twin sis (if she knows) at least supports you, given that you were sticking up for her and her FILs.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I am going to repeat the advice I gave to OP in her other thread.  It really doesn't matter WHY your family is broken.  What matters is how you deal with it.  You have some justified anger issues, but as long as you let them fester, they are hurting you and your children.  I think you need to look into counseling and professional therapy for support in how to deal with your family.
    I am sorry you have to go through this, but showing your wedding video is a minor issue compared to a lifetime of emotional turmoil and stress.
    My own family had issues with mental illness, substance abuse, and incest.  There are relatives I do not communicate with.  Many have passed on, so it is moot.
    You cannot fix your sister, but you can fix yourself.  I worried about you last night.  Best wishes.

    Link to other thread:http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1037045/estranged-sister-family-get-together#latest



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    themuffinman16
  • Yeah I wouldn't talk to her either. I barely talk to my brother right now. He doesn't respect my beliefs or choices so I rather not subject myself to that. He sounds like your sister and I'm sorry. I never got the idea that since we are family they can treat you like crap and still expect you to be around. Nope sorrynotsorry
    This. Shared DNA doesn't give anybody the right to treat you poorly and expect you to be fine with it. 
    Bridezilla sis and our parents don't understand why I'm not going to her wedding because "she's my sister". If a friend treated me the way she has, no way in hell would I take time off work and drop 2 weeks pay on travel expenses to go to the wedding.

    Anniversary
  • My dad and his brother had a falling out after my grandfather died.  A fight escalated to the point where my uncle accused my father of bringing Type 1 diabetes onto himself.  My mother was very upset and offended by this ignorant statement.  My father did not speak to his brother for many years until another death in the family forced them to communicate.  The relationship has been icy ever since.  We do not visit each other's home , we were not invited to my cousin's wedding and phone calls are few and far between unless it is business related/necessary.

    My immediate family got together and agreed that having toxic people in our lives is not worth it.  Uncle is toxic, so interactions with him are limited.  

    Sounds like your brother in law is toxic.  I'm sorry everything thinks that isn't the case.  It's up to you if you want to patch things up with your sister or not, but it sounds like BIL is is huge fuckin' tool that's manipulative and a snake.

    Calling someone a spinster is a friggin' low blow, BTW.  Low-fuckin'-blow.

    Edited because I can't type.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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  • I can't blame you for having the beef with your sister or her husband.

    That said, it seems like odd ground that you're freaking out over the wedding video.   I'd view it from the opposite perspective that you have - "Hey sis.   Because your husband is an asshole and you're too stubborn to disagree with him, look at what you missed."   So instead of looking at is as a way she'd be included, it could be something that she sees and wonders why she missed such a great time.

    My father doesn't talk to his middle brother and hasn't for about 16 years.   However they can be in the same room as each other and they deal with it.   My father didn't make amends with him when my grandmother passed and he doesn't talk to him when they're in the same space (which is rare) but that's all that happens.   Dad does his thing and my uncle does his thing.   Uncle wasn't invited to my wedding and out of respect for my dad, I don't pursue a relationship with him BUT I don't freak out about him being present at family events.

    Your feelings are your feelings and you're entitled to have them but keep in mind that not everyone is going to feel the same way and you can't be upset when they don't. 
    CMGragain
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