Let's talk about getting along with FIL/ILs

ashley8918 · August 2014

Do you? I used to get along with them so well, but lately FMIL is picking fights about everything. WTF?! Last time, it was over her name not being on the invite. This time it's that I "made" FI quit his job to stay home with the kids (Uh, no. He's a big boy. We made that decision together).

So, those of you with difficult in-laws, how do you keep the peace? I know that I should just let FI handle it, but I don't want to distance myself from her too much either. I feel like that will give her another reason to be mad at me.

smalfrie19 · August 2014

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

ashley8918 · August 2014

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

smalfrie19 · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

its pretty new. and its bs. I think a lot of it is because her and her H are having marital issues (he cheated) and because I did cheat on my ex with FI she is turning around and taking out her contempt for her H on me.

WinstonsGirl · August 2014

I'm lucky. My MIL is amazing and we get along very well. She tries super hard to not meddle in our lives, though I know she really wants to, and we try to include her in events and meals since she's moved out here. We don't like her feeling lonely. FIL is pretty cool too, though he still lives back out east, so I only see him a couple times a year. THB, I still don't know him well.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

My FIL absolutely drives me batty. He's a bit rough around the edges and complains about EVERYTHING. For example, we took him & MIL to dinner recently for MIL's birthday. They were in the mood for burgers, and there is an awesome burger joint near us that has quirky burger combinations. FIL started bitching immediately. "I just want a burger with onion and pickles. That's all I want? Why don't they serve that?" DH and I reassured him that you can basically order anything at this place. "But it's not on the menu!". He also was whining that they didn't have Shiner Bock. Hello - we are at a burger joint in Texas and there is a neon Shiner sign over the bar. They have Shiner. The beer menu was 4 pages long, and FIL didn't see it, and AGAIN started bitching. When we pointed it out to him on the menu, he said the menu should have been organized differently. *sigh*

So, this weekend, DH & I hosted poker night. This is a quarterly thing with DH, his cousins, and his brothers / dad. Earlier in the day, BIL (DH's brother) had us over to their place for a housewarming and ice cream party. I saw FIL and gave him a hug. I said "looking forward to seeing you tonight - we'll have fajitas!" He said "I don't care about the food; I just want to play cards." I was SO PISSED. It just really bugged me that he would say that instead of just being polite and saying "yeah, should be a fun night" or something.

MIL is very nice. She's hard of hearing and refuses to wear a hearing aid, so that means that FIL has to yell everything twice to her.

brideofginger · August 2014

I really struggle with my FMIL. She can be really controlling and she tends to, it seems, still generally expect to get her way with things, just because Mom Knows Best. She nearly always means well, but she can be really overbearing and tends to list off things to us to ensure we can navigate a particular situation, even though we're both 27 and fully capable of figuring things out on our own. (Example: my fiance is changing jobs, and has given his notice to his previous job. They gave him an exit survey. He didn't go nuts with negativity or anything, but he did try to give some constructive criticism. His mom reacted kind of harshly, because I guess she thought he wrote that the CEO should go jump off a bridge or something. Additionally, this was not a situation in which her feedback was needed or requested - he just mentioned the exit survey as part of their conversation, and she tried to make it into "a thing.")

That being said, my FI really does have a loving family, it's just a struggle to develop boundaries. It doesn't help that I consider my own mother to be a toxic influence in my life, and I avoid talking to/seeing her as much as possible. I'm not used to it when people actually get along with their families.

Cookie Pusher · August 2014

I get along with DH's family just fine. I find spending as little time with and engaging with the people we don't get along with to be the best tactic to keep my and DH's sanity intact. (*waves* Hi, stalkers! I'm glad you find me interesting enough to obsess over!)

jdluvr06 · August 2014

I love my ILs. They are the best. H and I are very lucky. Our moms have become BFFs and his family (he only has 3 relatives) comes to a lot of my family's get togethers.

lyndausvi · August 2014

My MIL is great. She appears to like me. I call her once a month to say hi and she seems to like it.

She lives across the country. I've seen on average of once a year, for only 4 days. She has never come to visit DH in any location he has lived. Not once.

My only complaint is she is not very welcoming when come to visit. DH is a hurricane when he comes to town. So it becomes stressful for her and I get that. At the same time if we do not stay with her she gets upset. Can't really win with her.

Oh and she never goes out to a meal with us. Since I've known her I've never had dinner with her a restaurant. I've had 2 meals at her house and sat with her once other time at a party someone else. It's weird because in my family we have meals up to 3 times a day together.

On the plus side, I've drank a lot of red wine with her. I can talk freely with her.

I'm looking forward in seeing her next week. We are staying there, but I think she understands the reason.

lurkergirl · August 2014

Let's see...FMIL lives across the country which is good.

She essentially abandoned FI when he was just a kid, so I kind of judge her for that. She thinks she did nothing wrong. They don't talk too often, maybe once a month, and I only talk to her when she comes to visit once a year. She also tries to push a relationship between FI and his bad brother, which is not cool. She is in total denial about all his problems. Oh, and she's a racist.

FFIL and FSMIL are pretty awesome. They live in our part of the country, so we see them pretty often. They are a little bit on the hoity-toity side and can be a bit nosy, but all in all they are super nice and loving and have totally welcomed me to the family. FSMIL has her quirks, and FFIL has a little temper, but we all get along really well.

FI has 3 siblings. 2/3 are great. One brother lives close to us and is married with 2 kids, and while we aren't super close with them, we have a good relationship overall. FSIL is a bridesmaid. She lives near FMIL, but we talk a lot on the phone and are very close.

Jells2dot0 · August 2014

I had a horrible relationship with my XILs, which was part of the reason I'm no longer married to my first husband. So, after dealing with them, any relationship I have with my ILs is a million times better. They do drive me a little nuts at times, but our personalities are so different. They accept me for who I am, though, which makes up for some of the awkwardness.

I should also mention that they are almost 80 years old, so that makes the relationship dynamic a little different than normal.

missdelilah · August 2014

My FSIL is an outright bitch. After FMIL in dies FI and I are agreed that we are never speaking to her again. She steals money from FMIL, dug FMIL into a ridiculous amount of debt by taking her credit cards, screams at her repeatedly when there's no money left for her to take, tried to stick FI and I with a $600 bill for a new phone that she didn't need and doesn't even know how to use, complained to FI that I wasn't attractive enough and we should never have kids (yeah, because everyone looks wonderful when they've just driven from MA to MI in one night), and the biggie... wait for it.. she stole her mother's fucking house. That's right. After FMIL was doped on pain meds after brain surgery she stole the deed to FMILs house and had her sign it, but FMIL put FIs name on it, not hers, so what does bitch FSIL do? She adds her own name to it, in her own hand, and runs off to file it. FMIL is too sick to lodge a legal claim, and unfortunately FI will have a lot of trouble proving fraud unless she does it. I just want the house to go back to her, because that document was not supposed to be filed until she chose to do it, or passed away. There is no way I am ever making friends with this human waste of space.

missdelilah · August 2014

Sorry for the rant.

JaxInBlue · August 2014

My ILs are super nice people. I personally disagree with them about several political and social issues, and we have different opinions about the importance of organized religion, but they've never made my relationship with them or the relationship between DH and me about those differences. I think they understand why I feel the way I do about a few things, and I understand where they are coming from. We just don't talk about social or political issues, or how frequently DH and I attend church.

MIL came dress shopping with me, and spending time with them when we are back in our hometown isn't close to a burden. I think they appreciate that I try to take the best care of DH that I can, and that he and I are good partners for each other.

At the same time, we'll go long periods without talking to them. DH is from a large family, and while I am more than happy to be in charge of the calendar, doing the cards for birthdays and holidays, it's really on him to make the phone calls and do the day-to-day stuff. I participate in the family emails when there is something I can add, though.

lyndausvi · August 2014

missdelilah said:

My FSIL is an outright bitch. After FMIL in dies FI and I are agreed that we are never speaking to her again. She steals money from FMIL, dug FMIL into a ridiculous amount of debt by taking her credit cards, screams at her repeatedly when there's no money left for her to take, tried to stick FI and I with a $600 bill for a new phone that she didn't need and doesn't even know how to use, complained to FI that I wasn't attractive enough and we should never have kids (yeah, because everyone looks wonderful when they've just driven from MA to MI in one night), and the biggie... wait for it.. she stole her mother's fucking house. That's right. After FMIL was doped on pain meds after brain surgery she stole the deed to FMILs house and had her sign it, but FMIL put FIs name on it, not hers, so what does bitch FSIL do? She adds her own name to it, in her own hand, and runs off to file it. FMIL is too sick to lodge a legal claim, and unfortunately FI will have a lot of trouble proving fraud unless she does it. I just want the house to go back to her, because that document was not supposed to be filed until she chose to do it, or passed away. There is no way I am ever making friends with this human waste of space.

how did it even get filed? Is FI's name on the deed?

beethery · August 2014

My FILs are super nice people, but they do not understand boundaries very well. I've ranted and raved about it before. They've gotten better, but only because we now don't tell them when we buy new shit for the house.

FI's grandma was apparently VERY demand-y with FBIL's wedding last year. I have taken the approach of "the more you talk to people about wedding stuff, the more they think you're interested in their input," so I've gotten pretty good at keeping my trap shut about it. No problems yet, but we are a ways out.

FI's shitty uncle is well... shitty. He is a homophobic judgmental scrotum and he does it all under the guise of his judgment being against 'sin'. His shitty fucking attitude is a 'sin' and he can blow it out his ass. We do not have to deal with him, and he doesn't speak to me when the family gets together because 1. I said I had no issue with gay people and thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with FI's cousin sitting next to his boyfriend at Thanksgiving dinner, and 2. I told him FI's grandfather was wearing his hat in the coffin during the wake, so I sincerely doubted he'd have a problem with FI and FBIL wearing the hats THEIR GRANDFATHER GAVE THEM during the wake.

FutureMrsN3312 · August 2014

Oh my ILs...where do I start.... FIL is great. He's laid back, calls to say hi every now and then. Other than that, he doesn't bother us. MIL is a whole other can of crazy. If things are done her way its automatically wrong. I tried involving her in wedding planning but that didn't work out. I invited her to a photographer appt and she wanted us to reschedule because she had a nail appointment. Tried inviting her to a DJ appointment but she had a hair appt so I just said fuck it and stopped inviting her. She drove me absolute crazy up until the wedding itself. She's done some unforgivable things. I tolerate her bc of my H. I don't call her or go out of my way for her anymore. And to think when we first got engaged she was so nice about everything. Then I saw the real side of her.

Inkdancer · August 2014

I do not like my FILs. FMIL is an alcoholic and FFIL cheats on her. Neither of them is behaving well at this time and I cannot muster up any respect for their actions.

ashley8918 · August 2014

Whoa. All of you with the terrible ILs are making me feel bad about whining about mine. They really are great, but FMIL has been nothing but trouble lately.

We are supposed to go to a barbeque at their house Saturday and I am seriously considering coming down with a headache. I am so bummed about it. I have never not wanted to be around his family (mine, sure. But not his).

ashley8918 · August 2014

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

its pretty new. and its bs. I think a lot of it is because her and her H are having marital issues (he cheated) and because I did cheat on my ex with FI she is turning around and taking out her contempt for her H on me.

Ah, that makes sense. It's totally not okay, but It sounds like she is really hurt and just projecting. Has FI tried talking to her about it in a non-accusatory way? (i.e. instead of "you are so mean to FI...", something like "You are acting strange lately. It seems like you are really having a hard time coping...")

missdelilah · August 2014

lyndausvi said:

missdelilah said:

My FSIL is an outright bitch. After FMIL in dies FI and I are agreed that we are never speaking to her again. She steals money from FMIL, dug FMIL into a ridiculous amount of debt by taking her credit cards, screams at her repeatedly when there's no money left for her to take, tried to stick FI and I with a $600 bill for a new phone that she didn't need and doesn't even know how to use, complained to FI that I wasn't attractive enough and we should never have kids (yeah, because everyone looks wonderful when they've just driven from MA to MI in one night), and the biggie... wait for it.. she stole her mother's fucking house. That's right. After FMIL was doped on pain meds after brain surgery she stole the deed to FMILs house and had her sign it, but FMIL put FIs name on it, not hers, so what does bitch FSIL do? She adds her own name to it, in her own hand, and runs off to file it. FMIL is too sick to lodge a legal claim, and unfortunately FI will have a lot of trouble proving fraud unless she does it. I just want the house to go back to her, because that document was not supposed to be filed until she chose to do it, or passed away. There is no way I am ever making friends with this human waste of space.

how did it even get filed? Is FI's name on the deed?

It had FMILs signature on it, and obviously whoever filed it didn't think that having FIs name written in FMILs hand and FSILs name in another was suspicious enough. So, now FI owns half of the house, and debt ridden FSIL owns the other. FI and have spoken about it, and just want FMIL to be the owner again.

smalfrie19 · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

its pretty new. and its bs. I think a lot of it is because her and her H are having marital issues (he cheated) and because I did cheat on my ex with FI she is turning around and taking out her contempt for her H on me.

Ah, that makes sense. It's totally not okay, but It sounds like she is really hurt and just projecting. Has FI tried talking to her about it in a non-accusatory way? (i.e. instead of "you are so mean to FI...", something like "You are acting strange lately. It seems like you are really having a hard time coping...")

Oh no.. we tried that.. her response is always "this isn't about my marriage."

ashley8918 · August 2014

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

its pretty new. and its bs. I think a lot of it is because her and her H are having marital issues (he cheated) and because I did cheat on my ex with FI she is turning around and taking out her contempt for her H on me.

Ah, that makes sense. It's totally not okay, but It sounds like she is really hurt and just projecting. Has FI tried talking to her about it in a non-accusatory way? (i.e. instead of "you are so mean to FI...", something like "You are acting strange lately. It seems like you are really having a hard time coping...")

Oh no.. we tried that.. her response is always "this isn't about my marriage."

Ugh. In that case, I got nothin'... except internet hugs.

smalfrie19 · August 2014

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

ashley8918 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Right now we don't. Its FSIL and her H right now. FSIL thinks its her responsibility to point out to FI all the things she thinks are wrong about me and use it as pretense of "looking out for him" even though multiple times FI has told her that my issues are something he is aware of and something I am actively combating. This escalated the last two weeks and now they aren't coming to the wedding (at their own choice) but I told FI that I won't see them anymore.

Oh my god, that's horrible! I'm really sorry to hear that.

Has she always been this way, and now it is just getting worse? Or is this new behavior?

its pretty new. and its bs. I think a lot of it is because her and her H are having marital issues (he cheated) and because I did cheat on my ex with FI she is turning around and taking out her contempt for her H on me.

Ah, that makes sense. It's totally not okay, but It sounds like she is really hurt and just projecting. Has FI tried talking to her about it in a non-accusatory way? (i.e. instead of "you are so mean to FI...", something like "You are acting strange lately. It seems like you are really having a hard time coping...")

Oh no.. we tried that.. her response is always "this isn't about my marriage."

Ugh. In that case, I got nothin'... except internet hugs.

aww thanks. At this point in time we have decided its not worth fighting about in regard to our sanity. This is completely their decision and we have left the door open and that's the only thing we can do.

Chipmunk415 · August 2014

As I've posted before, right now we are not talking to DH's Dad and stepmother. It's relating to their poor handling of getting the autopsy and tox report from BIL's death, leaving DH out of the loop, etc. Total contact the past 3 weeks has been two texts between DH and his dad- one from DH saying the phone bill is due (they are on our cell plan, response was "ok" and a direct deposit to one of the accounts), and one from DH asking if his dad had any interest in DH's corolla (used to be FIL's, he gave it to DH, we got a newer, more dependable car from my folks, don't need the corolla now). One word response of "Nope"

Pretty sure SMIL is encouraging FIL not to contact DH or myself until DH apologizes for getting upset at them (at most, he should apologize for using bad language when he lost his temper. nothing else). DH feels he gets very little out of his relationship with his dad right now, and the relationship with SMIL is absolutely toxic. We tried writing down things that bothered us (ie, not keeping us informed on things, wanting to make plans at the last minute and then getting pissy when we decline because of other plans, etc), but 90% of them were directly related to SMIL and her attitude/behavior.

I share the pain of y'all. To help, I give you....Baby Penguin!!

ashley8918 · August 2014

Inkdancer said:

I do not like my FILs. FMIL is an alcoholic and FFIL cheats on her. Neither of them is behaving well at this time and I cannot muster up any respect for their actions.

My FMIL is a drinker too. It's so frustrating trying to talk to her.

sophhabobopha · August 2014

I love my FILs. I'm really close to FMIL and FSIL and talk to and see them at least once a week. FFIL and FSMIL I'm less close to, but we get along just fine.

Let's talk about getting along with FIL/ILs

Re: Let's talk about getting along with FIL/ILs

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Let's talk about getting along with FIL/ILs

Re: Let&#039;s talk about getting along with FIL/ILs

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Let's talk about getting along with FIL/ILs