Wedding Etiquette Forum

Etiquette question about location of ceremony

I'm having a lot of trouble walking the line between making this day about my future husband and I, and accommodating our guests. We have found the perfect space for the ceremony, and we are both very attached to it as it holds personal meaning to us. However, it requires any potential guests to walk down a fairly steep dirt path for about 200 yards, and some of the people who are definitely invited are elderly. We've considered golf carts or closed circuit TVs to broadcast in a more comfortable area, however both of these ideas are impossible to actually execute. The third idea was a very private ceremony with just our parents, a maid of honor and a best man, and a reception that includes everyone. I've caught on that for some reason this is seen as rude. (I don't understand that part, it seems very strange to me that anyone would feel like a second class guest when I'm inviting them to a dinner that I've put together and paid for, but I've accepted that if i choose this route, people might be offended.) I don't want to be a brat, but I'm not kidding when I say that if we can't say our vows in the spot we've chosen, I don't see a point in having a ceremony at all.. Which leads right back to we can't have any reception because people will be offended if they weren't at a ceremony. I'm a very sentimental person, and this is a very sacred event. I can compromise on absolutely anything else, but I strongly believe that God has created this exact spot for us to commit ourselves to each other.

So my question is, would it still be rude if we said our vows and exchanged rings in a private ceremony and then kind of re-did it for guests? Especially if I was not as visibly moved the second time around? Is that an option, or is that still tacky?
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Re: Etiquette question about location of ceremony

  • yes it is rude for you to "kind of re-do it" in front of guests. If you have a private ceremony have an awesome party after but no vows, big white  dress, garter toss, ect. 

    I'm confused as to why the golf cart idea is impossible. If it is money reason perhaps there is something else in your budget you can do without in order to accomidate all guests? 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited August 2014
    Yes, it would be not only tacky but childish.  Especially because your sole reason for doing it is to do it in a place that's meaningful only to you and your FI, because your wedding will be just as meaningful if it's in another location, and because you'll be cutting out your elderly and disabled relatives from seeing your ceremony just because you consider any other location that they can access as "not having any point in having a ceremony there."

    I'm sorry, but it's tacky to do what you want to do-especially a reenactment.  The first time you get married is the time you get married.  So if you really want these guests to be able to attend your wedding, you need to find a point in having it at another location if they can't access the location that's so meaningful to you that you don't see a point in having your wedding anywhere else.
  • Thank you for your reply. I kind of thought so too, but now I'm trying desperately to find any kind of work-around that I can while I still have time. The path isn't wide enough for the golf carts, unfortunately. We've started trying to prune back the trees to make it work, but it's still too tight.
  • Is there any way that some kind of lift or ramp can be installed so that people who can't climb up there can still be brought up there?
  • hanjoy said:
    could you two pick a venue close by then do a first look at the location you're currently wanting? That way you can be in a spot that means a lot to you and have some moments alone together, maybe read a love letter to one another have a few pictures taken then have your ceremony at a place that works for all your guests. 
    This is a great compromise.
    Happiness is an inside job
  • I can understand these views, and was along the same line of thought. Would it also be offensive to our elderly family members (grandparents)  if we didn't have any type of ceremony or reception other than the extremely private one with just our parents? Or just with my fiancee and I and an officiant?

    I disagree that it will mean just as much TO ME in another location. It will still be just as legally binding, but it won't mean as much. I will be disappointed. And that's my whole conundrum. I get that it sounds childish, but if I'll be disappointed in my wedding, I don't see the point in going through the motions just for everyone else.
  • This is wonderful, actually. A very good idea. What does everyone think about attire for the 'first look'? Would I wear my dress? Would we travel together to the venue?
  • hanjoyhanjoy member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited August 2014

    AmberWB said:
    I can understand these views, and was along the same line of thought. Would it also be offensive to our elderly family members (grandparents)  if we didn't have any type of ceremony or reception other than the extremely private one with just our parents? Or just with my fiancee and I and an officiant?

    I disagree that it will mean just as much TO ME in another location. It will still be just as legally binding, but it won't mean as much. I will be disappointed. And that's my whole conundrum. I get that it sounds childish, but if I'll be disappointed in my wedding, I don't see the point in going through the motions just for everyone else.

  • AmberWB said:
    This is wonderful, actually. A very good idea. What does everyone think about attire for the 'first look'? Would I wear my dress? Would we travel together to the venue?
    yep. we our doing our first look at a park we go on walks at every morning. I will meet him there all dressed up and we will do pictures together and meet up with our bridal party after for more pictures then all head to the ceremony. 
  • AmberWB said:
    I can understand these views, and was along the same line of thought. Would it also be offensive to our elderly family members (grandparents)  if we didn't have any type of ceremony or reception other than the extremely private one with just our parents? Or just with my fiancee and I and an officiant?

    I disagree that it will mean just as much TO ME in another location. It will still be just as legally binding, but it won't mean as much. I will be disappointed. And that's my whole conundrum. I get that it sounds childish, but if I'll be disappointed in my wedding, I don't see the point in going through the motions just for everyone else.
    It won't be offensive if you want to have this extremely private wedding. That said, you will not be able to have any kind of pre- or post-wedding parties that include anyone not invited to this extremely private wedding, including showers, rehearsal dinners, or anything deemed "wedding-related." That would be offensive. And since only your parents would be invited, it really would not make sense to have any wedding-related parties at all other than the actual ceremony.
  • Well I guess not offensive, but they would be disappointed. And I'm trying very hard not to disappoint anyone, not guests, and not myself. I'm getting onboard with the first look idea, especially because it would allow us an intimate moment, and THEN we could focus on guests. To be perfectly honest, I'm only doing a whole 'thing' in the first place because its what everyone else wanted, and think that's why I seemed so unwilling to compromise.
  • AmberWB said:
    I can understand these views, and was along the same line of thought. Would it also be offensive to our elderly family members (grandparents)  if we didn't have any type of ceremony or reception other than the extremely private one with just our parents? Or just with my fiancee and I and an officiant?

    I disagree that it will mean just as much TO ME in another location. It will still be just as legally binding, but it won't mean as much. I will be disappointed. And that's my whole conundrum. I get that it sounds childish, but if I'll be disappointed in my wedding, I don't see the point in going through the motions just for everyone else.
    that is just silly.

    I know it's what you feel, but it's just a location.  

    As I said before, my dream was a beach in the caribbean (where I was living at the time).  It was too much to ask of our guests so we picked a beach in NJ.  Then a hurricane came.   Being married was the goal not getting married in a certain location.


    I'm pro-private ceremony then inviting people to the dinner.   Your other option is just having an inmate ceremony at your must have location and forget everyone else.   If you do not that you forgo pre-wedding parties like showers and such.

    Your choice.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AmberWB said:
    I'm having a lot of trouble walking the line between making this day about my future husband and I, and accommodating our guests. We have found the perfect space for the ceremony, and we are both very attached to it as it holds personal meaning to us. However, it requires any potential guests to walk down a fairly steep dirt path for about 200 yards, and some of the people who are definitely invited are elderly. We've considered golf carts or closed circuit TVs to broadcast in a more comfortable area, however both of these ideas are impossible to actually execute. The third idea was a very private ceremony with just our parents, a maid of honor and a best man, and a reception that includes everyone. I've caught on that for some reason this is seen as rude. (I don't understand that part, it seems very strange to me that anyone would feel like a second class guest when I'm inviting them to a dinner that I've put together and paid for, but I've accepted that if i choose this route, people might be offended.) I don't want to be a brat, but I'm not kidding when I say that if we can't say our vows in the spot we've chosen, I don't see a point in having a ceremony at all.. Which leads right back to we can't have any reception because people will be offended if they weren't at a ceremony. I'm a very sentimental person, and this is a very sacred event. I can compromise on absolutely anything else, but I strongly believe that God has created this exact spot for us to commit ourselves to each other.

    So my question is, would it still be rude if we said our vows and exchanged rings in a private ceremony and then kind of re-did it for guests? Especially if I was not as visibly moved the second time around? Is that an option, or is that still tacky?
    Do not re-do your vows. You can have a private ceremony and larger reception later; that's not rude. If I were your grandmother and found out that you chose this location over me , I'd be incredibly disappointed. And, yeah, you do sound like a brat.
  • The only reason I was even thinking of the private ceremony/big reception was that everyone else wants to celebrate with us.. What would make ME the happiest is just me and him and our vows to each other and before God, in this location. I really hate the idea of parties and gifts in the first place, so I feel like something needs to be intimate, and the first look checks enough of those boxes to keep everyone happy. I'll have to run it past the families, but it seems like a great solution.
  • Sometimes our best intentions just do not work out due to logistics. Good luck with the rest of your planning.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • AmberWB said:
    I'm having a lot of trouble walking the line between making this day about my future husband and I, and accommodating our guests. We have found the perfect space for the ceremony, and we are both very attached to it as it holds personal meaning to us. However, it requires any potential guests to walk down a fairly steep dirt path for about 200 yards, and some of the people who are definitely invited are elderly. We've considered golf carts or closed circuit TVs to broadcast in a more comfortable area, however both of these ideas are impossible to actually execute. The third idea was a very private ceremony with just our parents, a maid of honor and a best man, and a reception that includes everyone. I've caught on that for some reason this is seen as rude. (I don't understand that part, it seems very strange to me that anyone would feel like a second class guest when I'm inviting them to a dinner that I've put together and paid for, but I've accepted that if i choose this route, people might be offended.) I don't want to be a brat, but I'm not kidding when I say that if we can't say our vows in the spot we've chosen, I don't see a point in having a ceremony at all.. Which leads right back to we can't have any reception because people will be offended if they weren't at a ceremony. I'm a very sentimental person, and this is a very sacred event. I can compromise on absolutely anything else, but I strongly believe that God has created this exact spot for us to commit ourselves to each other.

    So my question is, would it still be rude if we said our vows and exchanged rings in a private ceremony and then kind of re-did it for guests? Especially if I was not as visibly moved the second time around? Is that an option, or is that still tacky?
    Do not re-do your vows. You can have a private ceremony and larger reception later; that's not rude. If I were your grandmother and found out that you chose this location over me , I'd be incredibly disappointed. And, yeah, you do sound like a brat.
    This^^^^   

    OP, I get that at the beginning of planning certain things seem important. Locations, dates, colors, etc. These are just "things."  The most important aspect is getting married to your FI, nothing else. If you truly want it to be intimate in this location with nobody else there, then do so. But also realize there will be family members that are upset that they couldn't be there to witness this event and any re-enactment is just that, a re-enactment. Just have a celebration/party. 

    If having family be there to witness your wedding is important but not doable in your perfect location, then a first look sounds like an awesome compromise. You get your intimate moment and your family still gets to see your wedding. 
  • First look sounds like a fantastic idea.

    We are also doing a first look a few hours before the ceremony.  We'll wear our wedding attire and take some private photos in the woods near our ceremony site.  It's a lovely area but not accessible for everyone to get to for the ceremony, so a first look gives us some time to be together and get photos before the whole event starts.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I know, OP, that you seem to be good with the First Look option (we did one and it was AWESOME to get 90% of our pictures done pre-ceremony)...

    But, as a partial solution, perhaps you could rent or purchase a temporary pathway to get guests to your location? They make them for outdoor fairs, festivals.
  • jenajjthr said:
    AmberWB said:
    I'm having a lot of trouble walking the line between making this day about my future husband and I, and accommodating our guests. We have found the perfect space for the ceremony, and we are both very attached to it as it holds personal meaning to us. However, it requires any potential guests to walk down a fairly steep dirt path for about 200 yards, and some of the people who are definitely invited are elderly. We've considered golf carts or closed circuit TVs to broadcast in a more comfortable area, however both of these ideas are impossible to actually execute. The third idea was a very private ceremony with just our parents, a maid of honor and a best man, and a reception that includes everyone. I've caught on that for some reason this is seen as rude. (I don't understand that part, it seems very strange to me that anyone would feel like a second class guest when I'm inviting them to a dinner that I've put together and paid for, but I've accepted that if i choose this route, people might be offended.) I don't want to be a brat, but I'm not kidding when I say that if we can't say our vows in the spot we've chosen, I don't see a point in having a ceremony at all.. Which leads right back to we can't have any reception because people will be offended if they weren't at a ceremony. I'm a very sentimental person, and this is a very sacred event. I can compromise on absolutely anything else, but I strongly believe that God has created this exact spot for us to commit ourselves to each other.

    So my question is, would it still be rude if we said our vows and exchanged rings in a private ceremony and then kind of re-did it for guests? Especially if I was not as visibly moved the second time around? Is that an option, or is that still tacky?
    Do not re-do your vows. You can have a private ceremony and larger reception later; that's not rude. If I were your grandmother and found out that you chose this location over me , I'd be incredibly disappointed. And, yeah, you do sound like a brat.
    This^^^^   

    OP, I get that at the beginning of planning certain things seem important. Locations, dates, colors, etc. These are just "things."  The most important aspect is getting married to your FI, nothing else. If you truly want it to be intimate in this location with nobody else there, then do so. But also realize there will be family members that are upset that they couldn't be there to witness this event and any re-enactment is just that, a re-enactment. Just have a celebration/party. 

    If having family be there to witness your wedding is important but not doable in your perfect location, then a first look sounds like an awesome compromise. You get your intimate moment and your family still gets to see your wedding. 
    I'm stuck on this as well. In my opinion, the people who are there trumps everything else. Both my sets of grandparents, H's grandparents, and my other grandmother came. At the very least, two of my grandma's and H's grandpa would not have been able to come if we had chosen a location like you're describing. I could never have done that.  No location can trump having our grandparents there.

    I am religious as well.  God will be blessing your marriage and it will be sacred and special no matter the location.

    While, technically, a private ceremony (one with just a handful of people, like 10 or so) and a larger reception is OK etiquette-wise, I do not like them.  The ceremony is why people are being invited to the reception, and it's the most important part of the day. 
  • I will never understand choosing locations over your family being present. If I was your family, I would really think different of you for that decision. 
  • If you really care that much go do it this weekend. Grab an officiant, go to your special secret place, get married and move on with your lives.

    If I were your grandma and you had your ceremony at a place that was more important to you than me being their, I'd conclude you were a spoiled selfish immature brat. Wouldn't mean you were committing an etiquette violation, but you'd be getting the sad small slice of pie at thanksgiving for a loooiooooong time.
  • I'd have our ceremony at a damn McDonald's if it was the only place that my family could get to. I'd get married at my grandparents HOUSE if they couldn't leave and wanted to see me get married,
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • Sometimes the things we initially want just don't work out. FI wanted to exchange vows hanging from a mountain. 
    Seriously. 

    The logistics were impossible to work out. So we compromised. I think the first look at this location is a great compromise. 
  • Sometimes the things we initially want just don't work out. FI wanted to exchange vows hanging from a mountain. 
    Seriously. 

    The logistics were impossible to work out. So we compromised. I think the first look at this location is a great compromise. 

    SIB

    Sorry to thread jack but....that sounds awesome.


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    Anniversary

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  • Don't redo it. My best friend was invited to her cousin's tiered wedding and compared it to being in steerage on a boat.

    First class guests got the ceremony, dinner and dance
    Second class guests got the dinner and dance
    Steerage got the dance

    She didn't go to any of it and thought it was rude. Invite who you want to invite to the whole thing. Don't tier.

  • lyndausvi said:
    Just have the private ceremony and invite everyone else to dinner afterwards. You are not being rude by doing that. Sure some people might be disappointed but they will have to get over it. If they don't come, then that's their problem.




    ETA - I have to say it's odd that the location is more important the the act of getting married.   I dreamed of a beach wedding.  I didn't get what I dreamed due to weather.  I'm still married and that was the ultimate goal.
    This^

    And I'm not personally a fan of private ceremonies and then larger receptions afterwards.  I know they are not against etiquette per se, but as a potential guests the concept rubs me the wrong way.  I mean, it's cool to go to a fun party, but the entire reason that party is being thrown is to thank me for supporting and attending your marriage. . . which I didn't get to see. . . because the location was more important to you than my presence?  Huh?

    I just don't get it.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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