Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invitation after telling us they can't come?

This is my first post, but thank you all for everything I've learned while lurking. (I've certainly learned A LOT about wedding bars!) I have sort of a tricky etiquette question. We're about to send out our Save the Dates to our out-of-town guests, and we know that many of these people will tell us that they cannot come. I know the proper etiquette is to send an invitation to everyone who receives a save the date, but is it necessary to send to people who've already declined? Many of my fiancé's friends don't follow etiquette with these things (we've never received a thank-you note for their wedding gifts) and we're worried that the redundant invitations might seem like we're nagging or begging for gifts. We'll send invitations to close family or friends who might want to keep them, of course, but I don't want to offend anyone by following what I believe to be the proper etiquette. My fiancé is pretty stressed about it. What should we do?

Re: Invitation after telling us they can't come?

  • Send the invites. STD=Invite. Plans can change.
  • Pretty common problem, no worries! Still send the invite; there is always the chance that circumstances may change, plus, once someone is sent a STD, an invite should follow.
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  • Save yourself some trouble & some stamps by not sending STDs to the people who you believe won't be able to attend. You can certainly let them know verbally the date of your wedding if they ask, but that won't lock you into sending them an invite. Not everyone you want to invite needs to get an STD, but everyone who gets an STD needs to get an invite. STDs should really be for VIPs, so those who you want there the most have more time to plan things.
  • Yes, you still should send invites if YOU want to invite the person (regardless of if you already know if they can attend or not). Fi's sister has already told us that she will be unable to make it to our wedding (that's a whole other issue really!), but as far as I'M concerned, she's still invited. It is HER choice to attend or not (just like your guests), and by not sending an invite it is telling her that I am not inviting her...which is not the case at all! So yes, still send an invite if they are still invited.
  • I'd send the invitations to them anyway if these are people you'd want to attend even if they can't actually come.  Things may change and it may eventually be possible for them to come, so this lets them know that they're welcome.  To not send an invitation at all lets them know that they're not welcome even if they eventually become available.
  • I had a similar situation as you did.  I still sent the invites. 

    On the other hand, I was visiting some family and friends out of state a few years ago.  The mother (I'll call her Cindy) was so excited because they had JUST ordered the STDs for her daughter's wedding.  She physically handed me the STD and said that the party "just wouldn't be the same without us."  The wedding was over 4th of July weekend, which is usually a big party time for our family.  I said "I hope we can make it.  We usually have a big 4th of July party, but I'll check with my parents." 

    Fast forward.  Mom, Dad, & I decided to book flights and go to the wedding.  When the invitation arrived, my name wasn't on it.  My parents called and confirmed that, yes, I was not included on the guest list.  I felt shitty.  Don't be that bride.  Plans change; send the invite.
  • @dramamonkey, yeah it was.  My parents cancelled their trip for the wedding, too, since they were annoyed by it.  My parents have known this couple for at least 40 years, so this was definitely a major bummer. 

    Moral of the story - don't distribute a save the date until you are sure this person is invited!
  • @dramamonkey, yeah it was.  My parents cancelled their trip for the wedding, too, since they were annoyed by it.  My parents have known this couple for at least 40 years, so this was definitely a major bummer. 

    Moral of the story - don't distribute a save the date until you are sure this person is invited!
    That's so shitty! Do you mean they cancelled a trip in order to go to their wedding or they cancelled their plans to go to the wedding after you got snubbed like that?
    No, they cancelled their plans to go to the wedding after I got snubbed.  My mom at first thought that I read into it too much and just assumed that I was going, but when I reminded her that the MOB physically handed me the STD, they were less than thrilled.  They also didn't want to attend the wedding after I had been snubbed and be awkward about it.

    I know that there was nothing malicious about it.  When the MOB gave me the STD, I don't think the details of the wedding nor the guest list had been finalized.  It sounds like they got in over their heads with inviting people and had to cut back and only invite parents (not kids) of family friends (which was us). 

    But it worked out in the end okay.  Later that summer my dad had a business trip to Seattle.  His hotel was paid for and he had a generous per diem.  So, mom and I transferred our plane ticket and tagged along to explore the great Northwest. 
  • I would send the invite.   I told a cousin 10 months out I couldn't make her wedding because the boat I worked on ended it's season a few weeks later and I just couldn't take the time off.  It was an OOT wedding and I need work since I was going to be out of work for 6+ weeks.

    Fast forward 3 months out from wedding.  It was announced the season was going to end earlier because of the boat yard schedule.  Yay, I can make the wedding now.    

    Yeah, no.  I never got an invite even though everyone else in  my family was invited.  I was pretty bummed.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    The polite thing to do is to still send the invite.
  • We sent Save the dates to everyone on our guest list. About a month before we sent the invitations, my MIL said she had updated addresses for some people (awesome), and she was removing a couple from the list (Um no).

    I told her, "we sent everyone STDs, so no we are not removing anyone". I asked her why, and she said her cousin wasn't able to come. I said, "we are sending the invitation and if they can't come, they will RSVP accordingly". 

    Guess what. they came!
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  • I would definitely send the invite.  My best friend lives on the other side of the country and she was almost certain (because of finances) that she wouldn't be able to fly out for the wedding, but her circumstances changed and she is coming to the wedding!  You never really know, I think it's always best to send the invite!
  • Send it. I'm 9 months pregnant and due a few days before my cousin's wedding - there's no circumstance that will allow for me to attend their wedding. They still sent an invite which I took to be inclusive and sweet, not begging for a gift.
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