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Nevermind.

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Re: Nevermind.

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I had an open budget when planning my first wedding. It's a really great position to be in, yet frustrating because you don't know where you stand. I approached it by planning one thing at a time. I did my research on venues first, got all of the pricing, details, etc and then presented the info to my parents and told them which one I preferred. If they said yes, great- I booked it. If not, then I would have went into more detail with them on what they felt was appropriate and why. I was never told no, which was nice! I did end up paying for quite a few things on my own, though (honeymoon, church, limos). I would just not count on any money from his family and plan as if you were paying for certain things yourselves (maybe things you feel you can cover on your own without your parent's help.) Then, as things get booked and paid for, perhaps your FILs will begin conversations about budget and providing some level of assistance. If they do help, then that will free up some of your budget for other things or for savings.

     







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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Your fiance should not have asked his parents what they are willing to contribute unless they had previously offered to do so. It's not polite to ask for money. But since that ship has sailed, I would have your fiance ask them specifically for X amount to pay for, say, flowers. And go from there.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My husband always said, "When you're knee deep in alligators, it's hard to remember why you wanted to drain the swamp."  

    Now that you're in this mess, remember what your goal was: to learn what they were going to contribute. 

    I suggest you pick one thing, such as the rehearsal dinner, and suggest that your FI ask his parents if they would like to host it. This lets them make decisions independent of the wedding.  It can be very small and informal or large and lavish; all depends on how much they want to spend and how involved they want to be. Good luck. 
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  • NdelibleNdelible member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    @lurkergirl‌ I'll get the real butter!
    Happiness is an inside job
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Wow, what a bunch of cheap jerks his parents are!







    *please note the use of sarcasm in this post.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    Well, I realize I'm probably in the minority here, but I don't think it's inappropriate to float a conversation with both sets of parents involved at the outset of planning a wedding about what kind of event they're envisioning and, if they have strong feelings about certain aspects of the wedding, what they are able to contribute to make their vision a reality. The reality is that weddings are as much for the families as they are for the people getting married and I'd just as soon be upfront about what my parents and in-laws are expecting and if they are able to back up their expectations with financial support rather than have me and FI stressing trying to plan something that we have no idea the expectations or budget for, and then be taken aback when late in the game someone comes in and says "I really feel it should be this way, I'll pay to cover it" and we have to completely change course. Especially when it comes to "traditional events" like weddings, we've been very surprised by home much the people in our lives tend to operate off the assumption that what they are "used to" will match up with what we are planning, no questions asked... so if you know that's the kind of crowd you're dealing with, I do support forcing the conversation a bit more than most people on this board would be comfortable with. SO with that preface, I do think that, while I am sympathetic to your feelings of frustration, you need to correct how you're approaching this issue. Your in-laws clearly aren't very invested in paying for (and hence, having a say in) anything in particular, so if you could really use their help on something you need to just figure out what it is you want and then ask them directly if they can cover the cost (since they've graciously offered to let you know how much they can contribute on an as-needed basis). They thing about wanting money from other people is, you can't act mortified at the idea of having to discuss money with them, so either get comfortable with the idea of having blunt conversations with your FILs about wedding finances or get comfortable with not expecting their help. As for your family and his family contributing uneven amounts... I'm sorry but that's life and people can choose how to spend their money however they want. I really do feel your pain- sometimes it annoys the HECK out of me that my parents are covering so much more of our wedding (not to mention general living) expenses, but they're under no obligation to you, so you might as well just try not to let it bother you because it really shouldn't. Your FI is right to some degree at least that if your parents are happy to handle all the expense, you should let them handle it all rather than make his parents uncomfortable... and if your parents really aren't cool with paying for it all, you two can cover the remainder. At the end of the day, I guess I'm just not really sure what response you were looking for from them. You say you were speechless when your FMIL said "You'll let us know how much you need, right?", but you also later said to your FI that you'd give him a dollar amount to ask for and consider it handled... so I don't really get where those two things are different. What was the ideal response you wanted from them? Edit: If anyone can tell me how to fix this post to allow paragraphs I would greatly appreciate it! I understand how this massive block of text is not very reader-friendly but I can't for the life of me figure out how to get this website to let me format the way I want to.
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  • ohmrs2014ohmrs2014 mod
    Moderator 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    It was incredibly rude to have your FI ask what they would be willing to contribute.  If they wanted to help, they would have offered, like your parents did.

    You both are grown adults who are capable of paying for your own wedding.

    My DH and I paid for everything ourselves.  My parents gifted us money towards the venue, but we found out about a week before the final payments were due.  It was a gift.  My parents viewed it as its less we need to take out of the bank so we can leave it there for the house we are saving for.  

    The keyword there is gift.  I did not ask, DH did not ask my parents or his parents for any money to help pay for OUR wedding.  


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  • gothic_fairy60gothic_fairy60 member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    MrsMcCaw said:
    @themosthappy91‌ I'm sorry but anyone that has their parents paying for their living expenses should not be getting married. Learn to be an adult and support yourselves. Not only are your parents paying your living expenses but you also expect them to pay for your wedding?? Ridiculous!!
    My thoughts were along the same lines. We lived with H's parents for awhile while we were engaged. It allowed us to save for the wedding, but we all were in agreement that we would be out before the wedding. They did not pay our bills like gas, insurance, phones, ect.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    MrsMcCaw said:

    @themosthappy91‌ I'm sorry but anyone that has their parents paying for their living expenses should not be getting married. Learn to be an adult and support yourselves. Not only are your parents paying your living expenses but you also expect them to pay for your wedding?? Ridiculous!!

    Um excuse you, you don't know my life so maybe you should check yourself before you act so condescending. Yes, our parents did cover our living expenses this past year- I was in an accelerated one year Master's program at one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and my fiancé was in his first year of dental school at another nationally ranked institution sooooo sorry if you don't have people in your life who are willing or able to invest in your future but our families were happy to do it for us. Now I am working and completely supporting myself and my fiancé but my family always intended to pay for our wedding because it's a gift they choose to give us. Like, who the heck are you to judge that? Kindly HOP OFF.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Gothic fairy, at least I'VE never had to go so far as moving back home- I worked my butt off in undergrad and qualified for a ton of scholarships and work study for grad school in order to be able to cover my rent and not have to resort to being a freaking adult couple living at home with mommy and daddy. Yes our parents helped us out with gas and groceries, but I would be mortified to be living back at home with them. So yeah, maybe take a good hard look at your own life before you judge.

    If anyone can't tell, I am livid right now that people would actually go out of their way to judge my life and condescend to tell me that I shouldn't be getting married without ANY idea of what they are talking about on a thread that literally has nothing to do with me other than I was trying to give this poor girl some advice. You are vile people.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sorry sarah bear, what is JIC? Haha obviously this was directed at me but I'm not sure how to respond...
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Oh, I thought that was what it meant but I didn't know how it applied here... anyway, sorry because I really want to know and I'm not asking this in an angry or mean way, is it really so crazy to be offended that someone would pick out a tiny comment I made in an otherwise unrelated post, without knowing any context, and make really condescending comments about me?  Like honestly I really don't think my feelings are unjustified here... and I'm not really claiming to be special in any way?  I mean, I worked hard and I was lucky to have people who were willing and able to invest in me getting my education.

    I shouldn't have said they are vile people though, upon revisiting.  Name-calling is bad and they probably aren't vile people, maybe just having a bad day and needed someone to snark on.  I apologize- I don't think Mrs. McCaw or Gothic fairy are vile people, I should have said I thought it was vile behavior.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    Sorry for double posting, but upon further reflection I did want to say one more thing.  I am sorry Gothic fairy- my response to you was written in the heat of anger that someone who knows so little about my circumstances would make it a point to take the time to comment disparagingly about something that I didn't really consider to be "up for discussion".  As I stated previously, I felt it was rude and unreasonable for people to hijack someone else's thread specifically to condescend to me personally about my financial situation and family relationships when that was such a minuscule and relatively unimportant part of my response to the OP, and entirely unrelated to the question at hand.  But it occurs to me that I do not know your situation either, and it was wrong of me to suggest you should feel bad about your decision to move back in with your in-laws.  For all I know, you were in the same boat I was- going to school and trying to set yourself up for a good future.  It is true that I personally would not be comfortable moving in with my parents or FILs and would feel like I was greatly burdening them if I did so, but that's me and not you.  I reacted out of anger that you had thoughtlessly judged me, but then I did the same to you and I am truly sorry.

    Edit: And other than that, I pretty much stand by what I said!  I believe it is inappropriate for people to use these forums to make personal attacks on other people with not even the remotest element of offering helpful advice.   
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  • simplyelisesimplyelise member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    FILs have been generous and independently came to us and asked how much we needed/how much to contribute. My parent's had money put away for a wedding for me and they keep encouraging me to spend it because I can be pretty miserly. So I tried just saying, "oh you're hosting the rehearsal dinner already (previously volunteered), you've been a great help" and "everything is covered!" But they seem to think they aren't contributing enough or feel like they should be more involved and kept asking us how much more they should give.


    I tried similar comments again and then I decided I could give her options. "Well, FMIL, if you'd really like to contribute, maybe you could cover flowers/church fee/etc." FI and I already paid all upfront honeymoon costs and then FMIL was put out that we didn't need help. I think she thinks we're worse off financially than we are. But she kept pushing about paying for a honeymoon we've already paid for, so I finally said, "Well we both have pretty old, cheap luggage, so decent luggage would be a huge help towards the honeymoon." And she went out and got us nice luggage and was delighted when we opened it.


    I've found that this works well because sometimes FMIL just wants to fret and talk about how they want to give more, but it seems like mostly talk. If I offer up something to her, I figure she may feel a bit more involved and then it's kind of on her to initiate. That's what I'd try with your current situation.
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    sarahbear31 said:
    Just in case. Just in case you dirty delete. And I, for one agree with PPs. Next time, I suggest leaving out the part where your parents are covering your living expenses. That was irrelevant to your post and just makes you sound immature. And I'm sure you were at a very prestigious school and your FI will be a great dentist. With that last post, you just sounded a bit more entitled.
    Ugh sorry now I'm running the risk of triple posting... hopefully someone else will respond while I'm typing this... but I did want to respond and thank you for clarifying and assure you I won't delete anything :).  When I think I'm right I'll stand by it and when I think I've been wrong I'll follow up with an apology, but I won't try to delete the evidence I promise!  

    I really didn't mean to sound entitled- I guess I didn't need to point out we were both going to very good schools but hey, I was feeling (I believe understandably) defensive and also I'm very proud of how hard we've worked to get where we are!  Which is why being told I basically need to "grow up" really hit a nerve.  

    Here's the thing- I don't think I should need to leave out anything about who covered my living expenses while FI and I were both in grad school.  I don't think "it makes me sound immature" to admit that FI and I are very lucky to have had the financial support of two families, to different degrees, in pursing stable jobs that we also happen to love.  Never mind the fact that really that particular comment was only intended to offer sympathy and relate-ability to the OP and was no way inviting comment from others- I just don't understand why you would publicly make such a nasty judgment about someone with not even the slightest guise of offering help, advice, or wisdom.  I think the (thankfully few) people on here who do that are the ones who need to change, and not the people who are earnestly trying to help other people and not expecting to have their every single word taken with its absolute worst connotation.  I can't imagine going through life LOOKING to see the worst in people in every offhand remark.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @themosthappy91, I had to move back home with my parents in 2005 (graduated from college in 2001). I wasn't mortified, and could easily take offense to someone implying that I should be mortified by it. But I know the reason why I had to do it, and I'm not ashamed. In case you're curious, I was in he midst of building a house. Within a week of the closing date, I learned that my builder had legal issues which kept them from selling me the house with a clean title. I had already given up my apartment, so I moved in with my parents. Just take a breath.




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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    MrsMcCaw said:
    It rubs me the wrong way for someone that has their parents paying their living expenses and wedding to be on an etiquette board telling OP it's ok to make her FI beg his parents for money to pay for their party.
    I don't "have" my parents paying for anything.  My parents offered to pay for my food and gas last year as an investment in me getting a Masters degree.  My parents are paying for my wedding as a gift.  And I certainly didn't tell the OP that it was alright to make her FI beg his parents for money- in fact, quite the opposite, I said that she needed to "correct her approach" to this issue and that going forward, given that FILs have made it clear that they DO want to help financially at this point, she needs to approach this issue with more maturity and responsibility.  

    I'm comfortable admitting that my chosen profession is teaching, and this is what we in the business would call a "reading comprehension issue".  It rubs me the wrong way that not only do you feel entitled to make horrible assumptions about me based on basically no knowledge of my life, but also that you haven't even bothered to read what I've written.  
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    sarahbear31 said:
    @themosthappy91, I had to move back home with my parents in 2005 (graduated from college in 2001). I wasn't mortified, and could easily take offense to someone implying that I should be mortified by it. But I know the reason why I had to do it, and I'm not ashamed. In case you're curious, I was in he midst of building a house. Within a week of the closing date, I learned that my builder had legal issues which kept them from selling me the house with a clean title. I had already given up my apartment, so I moved in with my parents. Just take a breath.
    I know, and you'll see a few minutes ago I did address making that remark to Gothic fairy (I realize I've been posting a lot and so you easily might have missed it but I'm hoping she won't if and when she returns to the convo).  It was wrong of me to do the same thing I felt she was doing to me- making the worst possible assumption without knowing thing #1 about why or how she ended up living back at home.  I truly would be super uncomfortable moving back with my parents, but that's because I don't NEED to so I would be unnecessarily burdening them- but she very well may have needed to for countless reasons (as you yourself did).  When I stepped back from it I realized two wrong, misguided assumptions definitely don't make a right and I should never have implied that it is intrinsically bad to need to move back in with your folks.  I'm truly sorry for any offense caused and I really don't want to be guilty of the very thing that I'm so upset about here :(.   
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