FMIL is threatening not to come to the wedding over a feud.
Hey knotties! First time poster here, but I've been lurking for a bit. Hope you all can help me think clearly about this situation, and possibly help my FI and I out with some advice.
Background: FBIL and FMIL had a huge falling out around Christmas. Both of them behaved immaturely, and the end result is that FBIL won’t return FMIL’s calls, etc, and hasn’t for months. This isn’t likely to change anytime soon. She’s been hounding him non-stop since Christmas, and has come close to driving cross-country to surprise/confront him. She doesn’t think she was wrong about anything she did or said during the drama (she was), and is NOT looking to apologize, but rather to demand apologies.
FI and FBIL have a decent relationship. FMIL has been seriously upset/hurt that FBIL will still talk to FI and not to her. FI’s relationship with FMIL has always been a bit strained.
Recently, FI and FMIL had dinner. She asked him if he would be inviting FBIL to the wedding, and he replied “of course I will”. She then said that if she and FBIL hadn’t resolved their issues by then, that she just might not come. FI stared at her in disbelief. She then said “would you hold that against me?” FI said “Are you crazy? Of course I would.” She dug in her heels, and indicated that because FI eloped a decade ago (when he was in college, tumbling into a foolish marriage that didn’t last a year) that she felt like she had every right to ditch our wedding with impunity.
He’s furious, and honestly hurt. I’m appalled. Not sure how exactly to move forward. (There's zero chance of FI *not* inviting his brother, don't worry - that's not on the table.)
There's a part of us (FI and I) that feels like 'if you're going to behave this atrociously, this far out from the event in question, then maybe you just don't need to be invited'. But I realize that's nuclear.
How would you respond?
Re: FMIL is threatening not to come to the wedding over a feud.
I'm the fuck out.
They're all adults and if they don't resolve their issue bu then, seat them at different tables. Otherwise, don't get in the middle of their issues.
I'd be rather curt and would tell her (if I was your FI) that if she snubbed the wedding that would be a great way to have relationship problems with two of her sons and she'd have no one to thank for them but herself.
While I sort of love the idea of hiring security, we're planning on a pretty small wedding - maybe 30-40 people, so hiring security would be painfully obvious and a bit awkward. The probable size also makes it a lot harder to insulate them from one another. FI will likely only have 4-5 family members in attendance (3 of which would be FMIL, FFIL, and FBIL), and that makes it even more sticky.
Yeah, FI called FBIL later that same night. He apparently just sounded exhausted and not that surprised. FBIL says he'll be there, and their mother can do whatever she likes. I don't expect him to boycott or cause a scene - he tends toward conflict avoidance regardless.
If they both come, and they *haven't* resolved anything, I fully expect her to be unable to prevent herself from making a lot of catty, passive aggressive comments, but she won't start a Jerry Springer style meltdown.
It will just be vaguely unpleasant. Sigh.
So, same irony, but slightly different layout. 1) She's mad at one son for cutting her off, so she's going to damage her relationship with the remaining son and 2) she's mad at FI for once-upon-a-time not including her (or anyone) in a wedding, so now she'll refuse to be included in a wedding.
I figure boycotting our wedding is a way to punish both sons with one stone. I don't know if/when she'll realize that she's punishing herself way more than either of them....
Invite both. Don't bring up the subject with FMIL, but if she asks, say "yes brother is invited."
If she says "then I am not sure I will be coming." Say "I hope the 2 of you come, and I wish this animosity were not extending into my wedding day. FI doesn't like it, and I don't either."
Then refuse to discuss anything more. What happens, happens.