I don't want to raise my dying sister's child

mrsconn23 · August 2014

Dear Prudie,
I’m a 56-year-old single professional woman in Manhattan who is childless by choice. I have a great job, travel a week or two a month, primarily to Europe, and love taking advantage of all the cultural opportunities New York offers. My 45-year-old sister, my only sibling, desperately wanted children. She took massive doses of hormones and has a daughter who is now 3 years old. They live in a small city in the Great Plains and I have seen my niece only twice: once at her christening and once for Christmas last year. Like Elizabeth Edwards and so many others who gave birth late (do these women truly understand the risks?), my sister developed breast cancer. She likely has only a few months to live. My sister is now begging me to adopt her child. She has a difficult personality and does not make friends easily, nor is she close to other relatives. I find children fairly irritating. Moving a 3-year-old who just lost her mother to New York and trying to fit her into my well-established life seems impossible. I think my sister should contact her church or local social services agency, maybe even the press. Once the word gets out that this (presumably) adorable little girl needs a good home, people will respond and my sister can help pick her daughter’s new parents. Do you have any other suggestions? I don’t want to seem insensitive but there’s just no way I can take on this responsibility.

—Not a Mother

dharmabunny · August 2014

Really, blame her sister's terminal breast cancer on her drive to have kids "at that age"...can't she just be childless by choice for her own reasons and not have to denigrate others with shaky science to support her own choices?

If she is this judgmental and derisive as her letter sounds and doesn't have any real affections for the kid, then yeah, her true colors need to show. Then alternate parental arrangements need to be made while there's still time for the mother to help with selecting/transitioning.

No child needs that kind of parent in their life.

VarunaTT · August 2014

What in the everloving hell does breast cancer have to do with late life pregnancy or the hormones? Seriously, is this something I just don't know? I'm unwilling to google, b/c this woman has made me mad.

And "presumably" adorable child? WTH. I don't want kids, but I don't actively hate children. Okay, well I don't like them, but I don't denigrate them either.

She should just do what she wants to do. Say Hell No and walk off for her sister to be forced into other arrangements.

kerbohl · August 2014

I agree - she shouldn't be forced to take care of this child if she knows she won't be a good parent with her lifestyle. Her sister needs to find better arrangements than this for her child. However, the blaming of her sister for getting breast cancer - that's more than a low blow.

Heffalump · August 2014

VarunaTT said:

What in the everloving hell does breast cancer have to do with late life pregnancy or the hormones? Seriously, is this something I just don't know? I'm unwilling to google, b/c this woman has made me mad.

And "presumably" adorable child? WTH. I don't want kids, but I don't actively hate children. Okay, well I don't like them, but I don't denigrate them either.

She should just do what she wants to do. Say Hell No and walk off for her sister to be forced into other arrangements.

SITB, but estrogen can stimulate some types of breast cancer. I think that's what the LW was trying to reference, but it doesn't make her any less shitty, IMO.

hmonkey · August 2014

you know, i saw this movie once where these, like, two people were given custody of a friends' kids, and they totally didn't want them, but they ended up falling in love with each other and then keeping the kids because everyone know that once you have kids, you will fall in love with them and it will be fine.

she should really give it a shot.

6fsn · August 2014

Or there was that movie where the Manhattan exec inherited a baby and moved to Vermont. Her house fell apart, but she fell in love with a vet and started a baby food company. Babies solve EVERTYHING!

hmonkey · August 2014

wait -- it worked out in at least TWO movies? OMG -- it's a sign, mrs.conn. you have to take your sister's baby.

VarunaTT · August 2014

Morgan Freeman is a sexist, b/c there's no "She" of this (I don't want to make one either):

Dammit Knut, what aren't you showing this!

hmonkey · August 2014

note to self: die and leave baby mo to varunatt.

NOLABridesmaid · August 2014

Wow! She's a sweetie. I get you never wanted to be a parent, Mrs. Conn, but this child is going to be a orphan.

NOLABridesmaid · August 2014

Orphan

PMeg819 · August 2014

Well breastfeeding and child bearing do have a protective effect in breast and ovarian (or is it uterine) cancers, and I'm not sure if that decreases over time. Like if you have your kids later, it diminishes that. There really isn't a link between infertility treatments and GYN cancers to my knowledge.

Honestly, MrsConn you should just suck it up and take the child. Everybody loves flying with toddlers to Europe.

Heffalump · August 2014

NOLABridesmaid said:

Wow! She's a sweetie. I get you never wanted to be a parent, Mrs. Conn, but this child is going to be a orphan.

Better to be an orphan adopted by someone who really wants a kid than to be raised by Auntie Dearest.

thejucheidea · August 2014

VarunaTT said:

What in the everloving hell does breast cancer have to do with late life pregnancy or the hormones? Seriously, is this something I just don't know?

I think this goes along with the anti-choice advocates who say that abortion causes breast cancer. It's one huge [citation needed].

kerbohl · August 2014

Haven't you heard? Everything causes cancer - at this point we can use it for an argument for any behaviour or practice that we want to stop. I say we start a rumour that sexual harassment causes testicular cancer.
I was recently told that eating mushrooms will give me a brain tumour. I just don't buy it.

thejucheidea · August 2014

I'm in cancer research and constantly read and hear shit that makes me want to just start slamming my head into a wall. People are so fucking stupid about cancer.

Heffalump · August 2014

From Susan G. Komen, link at the bottom (which includes all the citations referenced below):

Women who have their first child at age 35 or younger tend to get an overall protective benefit from pregnancy. Breast cancer risk is slightly increased for about 10 years after a first birth. After that, it drops below the risk of women who don't have children. The younger you are when you have your first child, the sooner you get the risk reduction benefit.^2-3

Women who have their first child at later ages are at an increased risk of breast cancer compared to women who have their first child at younger ages.^2-3 For example, women who give birth for the first time after age 35 are 40 percent more likely to get breast cancer than women who have their first child before age 20.⁴ For women who give birth at older ages, the increase in risk from a first pregnancy never gets fully offset by its long-term protective benefits.^2-3

http://ww5.komen.org/Content.aspx?id=19327354077

MesmrEwe · August 2014

Oh how I would love to see this one on the bump for that woman to get eaten alive... Just saying..

danamw · September 2014

I must be the only one on any board who thinks the child should be raised by someone who is praying for a child, and would be deliriously happy to raise this one.

This woman is 56. When the child is 10, she will be 63. Who knows what problems there will be.

Sure, she could be adopted by people who can have problems along the way. But wanting the child is the main thing. She will need much love and caring after her mother dies.

larrygaga · September 2014

hmonkey said:

wait -- it worked out in at least TWO movies? OMG -- it's a sign, mrs.conn. you have to take your sister's baby.

NOLABridesmaid said:

Wow! She's a sweetie. I get you never wanted to be a parent, Mrs. Conn, but this child is going to be a orphan.

I always kind of giggle at people who think the advice is for Mrs. Conn.

She must have some kind of soap opera life.

tawillers · September 2014

danamw said:

I must be the only one on any board who thinks the child should be raised by someone who is praying for a child, and would be deliriously happy to raise this one.
This woman is 56. When the child is 10, she will be 63. Who knows what problems there will be.
Sure, she could be adopted by people who can have problems along the way. But wanting the child is the main thing. She will need much love and caring after her mother dies.

I didn't see a single response here that said the letter writer should take the child.

Fairyjen1 · September 2014

I don't think it's that people are saying she should take the child on anyway. It's that they are coloring the woman to be some kind of ogre because she doesn't want to take on the responsibility of a 3 year old. She's childless by choice, just because her sister had children doesn't mean she's obligated to take them on.

I am a terrible person too. I have a 2 year old nephew. When my sister and BIL were making arrangements in case something happened to them they asked if I wanted to be in line to take care of him if something were to happen to them. I said no, I didn't want that responsibility. I too, am childless by choice and have always known I didn't want children. I love my nephew and I see and play with him often. I've even offered to be put down to help financially with whoever were to take him if something happened to them, but I have no desire to raise a child. If that makes me a bad person , then I'm a bad person and I'll own it.

In my case it's a bit different, there are lots of relatives who are willing to take on my nephew if necessary and my family has always known I don't want to raise children (although I like other peoples) so no one was surprised. I think they asked me out of courtesy.

MNNEBride · September 2014

I don't think people are coloring her to be some kind of ogre because she doesn't want to adopt her sister's child. However, she is basically blaming her sister for getting breast cancer (" Like Elizabeth Edwards and so many others who gave birth late (do these women truly understand the risks?), my sister developed breast cancer.") and THAT makes her a judgemental ass.

GBCK · September 2014

absolutely.

My sis, who doesn't have kids, is Buffy's guardian--but I would have been OK w/ her opting out (it was asked as a very no-strings question)...but I'd be peeved if she pulled the 'allegedly adorable' 'do they understand the risks' hoity toity bullshit

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

thejucheidea said:

I'm in cancer research and constantly read and hear shit that makes me want to just start slamming my head into a wall. People are so fucking stupid about cancer.

Amen, me too.

I love when people ask me how close we are to the cure? You mean how close are we to the cure to aging and death? Because these are disease of aging largely. . . I'll let you know when I find the secret to immortality.

NOLABridesmaid · September 2014

I'll be the lone wolf that says it's kinda cheeky that she wouldn't raise her dead sister's kid.

pegasuskat · September 2014

I would think it was unthinkable not to raise my sister's kid so I'm with you Nola. But I'm the softie that took my H's cousins 3 boys, who we didn't even know and had them for almost 2 years. I'm biased, but I could never say no. But I realize I'm the oddball, everybody is not like that. I can't fathom not wanting kids either though, but I do think if you don't want them that's fine. It could be way worse for the kid to be taken by somebody who resents it.

GBCK · September 2014

I don't remember how much I've shared about this, but, when the Mr. and I were first married, it was floated past us that CPS was trying to place my cousins with family members, we should let them know if we were interested.

I was torn. I was also young and I also knew these kids were already troubled.
I declined in part because I wasn't sure that the Mr. and I were in the right spot to be newlyweds with troubled kids.

I still feel somewhat guilty about that. The kids are still troubled, my cousin has partial custody and I can't even BEGIN to imagine the family morass of trouble and urgle that I'd be swimming in if I'd have taken them...but I still rather wish I would have.

I would be shocked if my sisters wouldn't rush to help Buffy out in this situation--even though neither of them has kids (well, my step-niece part time). I was OK w/ them bowing out but I know I asked with fairly reasonable assurance they' would do it.
It makes me wonder how close the sisters are--if the cancer-patient is presented w/ a very different side of her sister than the one the sister is showing prudie.

VarunaTT · September 2014

I"m childless by choice, but am an agreed upon guardian for 2 children in my life. I would do it gladly b/c I love the kids, I love their fathers, and I know that I would raise them according to the fathers' wishes, which both fathers' families would not. This couple also knows that the deal is off if they get the 3rd child they want, b/c I don't believe I can take care of 3 children appropriately.

Having said that, I don't think this woman should do that. There is no love to be had here.

larrygaga · September 2014

I am of the opinion that children should come before adults. Even if that is not your child, their needs are more important than yours. I would say that she should take in this child and leave the foster and adoption slots for kids who really don't have anyone. Just because she doesn't want a kid, doesn't mean she shouldn't care for one if it needs her. It's so silly and selfish.

However, the way she blamed her sister for dying of breast cancer makes me think she would be an unfit parent, so good luck for that kid going through the system. How sad.

I don't want to raise my dying sister's child

Re: I don't want to raise my dying sister's child

Choose Another Board

Search Boards