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Wedding Etiquette Forum
appsnzerts
member
Destination Wedding Invite Drama
Hi All,
This is my first post, and it's a little long winded, so I apologize...but this topic is giving me anxiety!
At the beginning of summer, I was asked to be a bridal attendant in a friend's wedding. She assured me I would only have to help set up (which I did). She also mentioned she was asking me because she couldn't have anymore bridesmaids but wanted me to be included on the boat the bridal party (which my then boyfriend, now fiance was a part of) was taking between the ceremony and reception (3 hours). On the day of the wedding, I found out from her mother that I would not be allowed on the boat, rather I would be serving drinks to guests at her wedding reception. I did not feel as though this is part of the bridal attendant duties (they had caterers?) and refused to do it. This obviously created tension between us and we have not talked since and don't see us resolving matters in the near (or far) future. I have heard from our mutual friends that she has no interest in being my friend anymore.
Fast forward to my engagement. We decided to have a destination wedding with our closest friends and family. I would like to get save the dates out but cannot decide what would be the right thing to do in regards to inviting her. Traditional etiquette states I should invite her since she is the wife of my fiance's friend. Although, I feel it would ruin MY time if she was there. If I were having a larger wedding at home, she would surely be invited. But I feel that my small destination wedding is far too intimate to bring drama along and also to have to spend 5 days with someone who doesn't like me pains me.
So, do I risk ruining my time and inviting her so my fiance and his friend won't lose their relationship over this, or should I invite her husband as a solo guest?
Any advice or suggestions, good or bad, would be much appreciated!
This is my first post, and it's a little long winded, so I apologize...but this topic is giving me anxiety!
At the beginning of summer, I was asked to be a bridal attendant in a friend's wedding. She assured me I would only have to help set up (which I did). She also mentioned she was asking me because she couldn't have anymore bridesmaids but wanted me to be included on the boat the bridal party (which my then boyfriend, now fiance was a part of) was taking between the ceremony and reception (3 hours). On the day of the wedding, I found out from her mother that I would not be allowed on the boat, rather I would be serving drinks to guests at her wedding reception. I did not feel as though this is part of the bridal attendant duties (they had caterers?) and refused to do it. This obviously created tension between us and we have not talked since and don't see us resolving matters in the near (or far) future. I have heard from our mutual friends that she has no interest in being my friend anymore.
Fast forward to my engagement. We decided to have a destination wedding with our closest friends and family. I would like to get save the dates out but cannot decide what would be the right thing to do in regards to inviting her. Traditional etiquette states I should invite her since she is the wife of my fiance's friend. Although, I feel it would ruin MY time if she was there. If I were having a larger wedding at home, she would surely be invited. But I feel that my small destination wedding is far too intimate to bring drama along and also to have to spend 5 days with someone who doesn't like me pains me.
So, do I risk ruining my time and inviting her so my fiance and his friend won't lose their relationship over this, or should I invite her husband as a solo guest?
Any advice or suggestions, good or bad, would be much appreciated!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Destination Wedding Invite Drama
JIC
I'm the fuck out.
1. You not inviting her while inviting her husband makes YOU look bad. You look immature, vindictive, and not like the classy person I believe you most likely are.
2. This wedding wasn't just HER wedding, her groom participated in this too and I'm sure he was well aware that the fiance of one of his GMs was not allowed on boat. Why would you even consider inviting him? What does your FI have to say about all of this? I honestly wouldn't invite either one of them. As they say, couples are a social unit and shouldn't be split, and so under most circumstances, couples get to deal with the consequences of shitty actions together.
Like others said, you can't invite just the husband. You either have invite both or neither. My first instinct would be neither, but since it's your FI's friend, you definitely need to take his feelings into account. Since it is just closest friends & family, if they ask why they weren't invited you could probably just tell then that you had to limit the guest list. But, if this is a very close friend, you may not have much choice but to invite both.
You could invite both and just ignore her the whole time. I doubt she will be looking to ruin your wedding. And you will likely be too busy focusing on your wedding to pay much attention to her. Or if they do come, maybe take her aside right from the start, or call before the trip, to clear the air a bit. Tell her that there was obviously a misunderstanding during her wedding and you agreed to be the attendant, with the understanding that it just meant helping set up, not being an unpaid waitress, and that you are sorry if there are any hard feelings there. You didn't mean to disrupt or make things difficult for her wedding, but you don't appreciate being lied to or used as a doormat either, and you hope that you both can put it behind you and move on. Clearing the air doesn't necessarily mean you will be friends again, or that either of you even want to be, but maybe it will help maintain a civil tolerance of each other to get through your week long DW.
Or you could invite both and assign her as an attendant and ask her to carry your luggage. And maybe steam your dress, while everyone hangs out at the beach. Or be in charge of getting everyone drinks all week.
Agreed! I'd say ultimately they were both very rude to you. If you were having a big wedding with a big guest list, I'd say invite them and just thank them for coming that day and otherwise keep your distance. But you said that this destination wedding will include your "closest friends and family," so I assume you're not planning on it being a big guest list. In that case, you're going to notice that they're there and it's harder to ignore them. You can't split up a couple, so I think you'd probably be better off not inviting them if having her there is going to be aggravating for you.
In my mind, your FI needs to justify why he wants this couple at what'll surely be a small destination wedding (most are small, I mean).
I'm appalled at how you were treated. Do you socialize with this couple on a regular basis still? If so, was this all just brushed under the rug? If you're not even close friends anymore, they don't justify an invite to a DW.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Now if I were the OP, I'd expect my FI, then BF, to say to his friend the Groom "Dude, dick move." Not on his wedding day, but certainly after when the wedding came up in conversation. I don't care if this was his BFF or his brother, I would expect my FI to let ppl know when they are treating me like shit.
If FI didn't have that conversation with his friend in some manner, I'd be really pissed with my FI and I'd let him know in no uncertain terms why I think his friends are assholes and prefer they not be invited to the wedding. I'd leave the decision to him, but I'd waste no more time on them at the wedding other than "Hi, thanks for coming," and I wouldn't go out of my way to socialize with them again.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Both the boys are non-confrontational and I am a pretty direct person, although I am so upset about this situation I can't bring myself to talk to her yet. The groom at the wedding had no idea any of this was happening. My FI did not want to start drama with either of them on the wedding day so we both left it aside from me saying that I wouldn't be serving drinks.
I have seen the bride once since the wedding and she completely ignored me, after I tried to say hi. Her husband is nice as pie to me but can tell he feels awkward around me. My FI refuses to talk to the crazy bride but carries on a friendship with his friend/her husband. They both know there are major issues there but will not talk about it.
She is very spiteful and I think she would be judging my choices, the resort, the food etc. the entire time. Not that I care what she thinks, but why invite that drama and negative energy around?