Wedding Venue and Family Drama HELP!

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Alright here is some awesome clarity for ALL of the STRANGERS who seem to think they are planning my wedding for me... following all of your rude, unwelcome, nosy, and just downright hurtful comments i discussed your unwanted thoughts on my website with several of the guests who have visited it. And guess what? You will never believe what they said! They all agreed on their own accord that it is MY wedding, I am allowed to make this day special in whatever way I want, and that "etiquette" is NOT universal each wedding follows a unique set of guidelines according to what the COUPLE want. HOLY CRAP that is a revelation. It's so nice to know that my family is supportive of our big day being perfect however we plan it. Phew do i feel better knowing that they understand there are reasons for some of the "imperfections" you all are so eager to point out and that they don't feel the need to stomp all over my plans. Oh and did I mention they are all married or getting married? And happily planned or are planning their weddings without an etiquette guide shoved down their throat.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

BlueBirdMB said:

wrigleyville said:

"Etiquette" and "traditions" are not the same. It is tradition not to see your groom and have your dad walk you down the aisle. You can ignore tradition. That is fine.

Unfortunately, you cannot ignore etiquette. Etiquette means doing what is best for your guests, as you are supposed to be a gracious hostess.

I cannot think of a single, good reason for a gap that isn't selfish somehow. For example, pictures can be done before the ceremony and during cocktail hour.

All of this. And no one jumped to conclusions. We don't care what the reason was- you design your wedding around avoiding a gap or hosting food and beverage during that gap.

As far as the alcohol thing goes, what makes you have a zero tolerance policy while also having a champagne toast? I'm not sure I understand the logic of being really concerned people will bring their own alcohol while also hosting some alcohol at the wedding.

If you read what I have wrote I said I didn't even want the champagne. It was a point that my fiance brought up and insisted on so I reluctantly agreed on it. I won't even be drinking it during the toasts.

kmmssg · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

Alright here is some awesome clarity for ALL of the STRANGERS who seem to think they are planning my wedding for me... following all of your rude, unwelcome, nosy, and just downright hurtful comments i discussed your unwanted thoughts on my website with several of the guests who have visited it. And guess what? You will never believe what they said! They all agreed on their own accord that it is MY wedding, I am allowed to make this day special in whatever way I want, and that "etiquette" is NOT universal each wedding follows a unique set of guidelines according to what the COUPLE want. HOLY CRAP that is a revelation. It's so nice to know that my family is supportive of our big day being perfect however we plan it. Phew do i feel better knowing that they understand there are reasons for some of the "imperfections" you all are so eager to point out and that they don't feel the need to stomp all over my plans. Oh and did I mention they are all married or getting married? And happily planned or are planning their weddings without an etiquette guide shoved down their throat.

I would have told you exactly what your guests have told you but I think your planning is atrociously rude. That is what wedding guests do - they agree with whatever the couple is doing to their faces, but behind their backs they can't wait til it is over and think it is rude.

bahamabride2015 · September 2014

I really don't appreciate his thread being turned into a fight about something that has nothing to do with the initial post.

Word to the wise, password protect your wedding web site, there are clearly some people on here who have a lot of time to snoop.

bahamabride2015 · September 2014

@wrigleyville can you please close this thread... it's way off topic and has turned nasty.

wrigleyville · September 2014

Word to the wise - do not use your real name on the internet. As you can see, it is very easy to find your personal information when you have a unique name. @crk9112twp, I'm glad you changed your username.

Nothing in this thread has violated the TOS, so it will remain open.

I do, however, suggest creating a new thread, as @bahamabride2015's original question was answered and we are way, way off-topic.

photokitty · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

Alright here is some awesome clarity for ALL of the STRANGERS who seem to think they are planning my wedding for me... following all of your rude, unwelcome, nosy, and just downright hurtful comments i discussed your unwanted thoughts on my website with several of the guests who have visited it. And guess what? You will never believe what they said! They all agreed on their own accord that it is MY wedding, I am allowed to make this day special in whatever way I want, and that "etiquette" is NOT universal each wedding follows a unique set of guidelines according to what the COUPLE want. HOLY CRAP that is a revelation. It's so nice to know that my family is supportive of our big day being perfect however we plan it. Phew do i feel better knowing that they understand there are reasons for some of the "imperfections" you all are so eager to point out and that they don't feel the need to stomp all over my plans. Oh and did I mention they are all married or getting married? And happily planned or are planning their weddings without an etiquette guide shoved down their throat.

Of course they did sweetie. What do you expect them to say when you tell them, "you won't believe what these rude women are saying about my wedding!!!" That's how you worded it right???

They have to support you and your rude ideas, bc as you correctly pointed out they are family and they love you. You can be sure they don't love the idea of being poorly hosted, but they are too polite to tell you.

Did you ask them what they plan to do for an hour after the ceremony that takes place at the same location as the reception?

Do you want to stand outside in the hot sun for that hour?

Perhaps you expect guests to sit in their car and balance their checkbooks?

Having a gap is already rude, having a gap with no travel between the locations is unthinkable! What do you honestly expect your guests to do for that hour??

zitiqueen · September 2014

Dialysis is an acceptable reason for a gap. Anything else is rude.

BlueBirdMB · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

BlueBirdMB said:

wrigleyville said:

"Etiquette" and "traditions" are not the same. It is tradition not to see your groom and have your dad walk you down the aisle. You can ignore tradition. That is fine.

Unfortunately, you cannot ignore etiquette. Etiquette means doing what is best for your guests, as you are supposed to be a gracious hostess.

I cannot think of a single, good reason for a gap that isn't selfish somehow. For example, pictures can be done before the ceremony and during cocktail hour.

All of this. And no one jumped to conclusions. We don't care what the reason was- you design your wedding around avoiding a gap or hosting food and beverage during that gap.

As far as the alcohol thing goes, what makes you have a zero tolerance policy while also having a champagne toast? I'm not sure I understand the logic of being really concerned people will bring their own alcohol while also hosting some alcohol at the wedding.

If you read what I have wrote I said I didn't even want the champagne. It was a point that my fiance brought up and insisted on so I reluctantly agreed on it. I won't even be drinking it during the toasts.

I did read that and it confuses me. It's okay when your fiancé wants it, but heaven forbid if your guests sneak something in? You either have a zero tolerance policy against alcohol, or it's something you are willing to compromise about- i.e. having champagne and then also not making some huge deal about it to your guests so that they don't sneak something in. If you were willing to compromise with your fiancé about the champagne, then you shouldn't feel this need to add the no alcohol policy to your website. I don't understand doing both.

ohannabelle · September 2014

LOTS OF UPPER CASE LETTERS ON THIS THREAD.

SO MUCH SHOUTING!

Sorry @bahamabride2015, but that's the way of the internet. And real conversations, often. They take on a life of their own and go in odd directions.

My advice per the Drama queen original situation is to simply not engage. You can shut her down politely, respectfully, and in an adult way. I would simply say, "I'm sorry if the venue concerns you, but I'm sure that everyone will be considerate adults, and respectful of the occasion, and we'll all be able to get along for the day," and then bean dip. "Have you tried the bean dip? It's really wonderful. Do you think there are jalapeños in it?" Refuse to engage beyond this.

Drama queens feed on gratification and attention. They stop when they get none.

ohannabelle · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

Alright here is some awesome clarity for ALL of the STRANGERS who seem to think they are planning my wedding for me... following all of your rude, unwelcome, nosy, and just downright hurtful comments i discussed your unwanted thoughts on my website with several of the guests who have visited it. And guess what? You will never believe what they said! They all agreed on their own accord that it is MY wedding, I am allowed to make this day special in whatever way I want, and that "etiquette" is NOT universal each wedding follows a unique set of guidelines according to what the COUPLE want. HOLY CRAP that is a revelation. It's so nice to know that my family is supportive of our big day being perfect however we plan it. Phew do i feel better knowing that they understand there are reasons for some of the "imperfections" you all are so eager to point out and that they don't feel the need to stomp all over my plans. Oh and did I mention they are all married or getting married? And happily planned or are planning their weddings without an etiquette guide shoved down their throat.

Oh, grow up. You came onto a wedding planning forum, and waved your personal information around like a red flag. You post in front of "STRANGERS" and then get pissy when STRANGERS respond.

Here's some "awesome clarity."

You don't understand etiquette. You don't understand the rules of etiquette, why it exists, the difference between etiquette and tradition. In short, you weren't ever taught manners. You are ignorant of correct social behavior.

Etiquette is about treating other people in a way that will make them most comfortable and happy. It's why (I hope) you don't chew with your mouth open and fart in public.

How many etiquette books were in your home when you were growing up?

I'll take a guess here. None.

So, not your fault. But now you're an adult, and you should know better.

If "everyone you know" breaks the rules of good manners, that doesn't make it okay. It means they were never taught to be gracious and good hosts, and they've passed the tradition of rudeness to you. I see people driving around picking their noses, and spitting on sidewalks. Doesn't make it acceptable.

Etiquette Is universal. Every society on earth has specific rules about how to treat other people socially. So you're wrong again.

"It's MY wedding?" Uhm, goody. Join the other 9/10ths of the world's population who get married at some point. Note that marriage licenses don't include a license to be inconsiderate of your guests.

Why be crass and inconsiderate and rude when you have a choice not to be?

Viczaesar · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

Alright here is some awesome clarity for ALL of the STRANGERS who seem to think they are planning my wedding for me... following all of your rude, unwelcome, nosy, and just downright hurtful comments i discussed your unwanted thoughts on my website with several of the guests who have visited it. And guess what? You will never believe what they said! They all agreed on their own accord that it is MY wedding, I am allowed to make this day special in whatever way I want, and that "etiquette" is NOT universal each wedding follows a unique set of guidelines according to what the COUPLE want. HOLY CRAP that is a revelation. It's so nice to know that my family is supportive of our big day being perfect however we plan it. Phew do i feel better knowing that they understand there are reasons for some of the "imperfections" you all are so eager to point out and that they don't feel the need to stomp all over my plans. Oh and did I mention they are all married or getting married? And happily planned or are planning their weddings without an etiquette guide shoved down their throat.

Actually I completely believe that. In fact, I already told you that it's not surprising that you haven't had anyone tell you to your face how rude and inappropriate you're being. That doesn't mean that you're not being rude and inappropriate, and it doesn't mean that they don't think you're being inappropriate. It just means that they're keeping their mouths shut for the sake of good relations. It's the Emperor's New Clothes syndrome. Why would you rather have the people you know telling you how fab your new threads are instead of the stranger walking by on the street and going "Dude, no pants? I don't think that's legal in this state"?

blondeej · September 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

blondeej said:

My FMIL is cut from the same cloth as yours... dealt with similar hissy fits. It came down the point FI and I had a sit down and said straighten up or ship out. As in you will not be in our lives let alone at our wedding. It's play ball or get to walkin. She's shaped up well since then and has since figured out that being an adult and treating others with respect makes lives go much more smoothly.

Your FI needs to step up to your FMIL and lay the law down. It was never my position to do so but I never ceased stressing to my FI that this is HIS JOB to get HIS MOM under control.

These women will continue to run free with rampant drama unless scolded like children and put into place. TRUST me, been there done that!

Best of luck to you. And for what it's worth - ELOPE. We were supposed to and were guilted into staying here and I 150% regret it.

Wow. This is a little harsh. You want to be treated like an adult/equal and your approach is to scold another adult like a child and "put (her) into place"? Even adults who suck still need to be treated like adults. Take the high road.

OH MissSouthernBelle - bless your heart you've obviously never had to deal with women like this! Lucky you! The high road is the only one I travel dear.
Bless your little heart, honey. I sure have dealt with women like this, I just don't treat adults like children and attempt to 'put them in their place'. I'm firm in what I'll tolerate but respectful at the same time. That's the high road, dear.

You are a typing oxymoron! LOL Oh, dear.

ETA: Oops sorry Vic and Crk - I'll get out of ya'lls way so you can continue -- ding ding ding!

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