I think I F'cked Up Knotties..

perdonami · September 2014

So, I knew it was going to be super crazy during and after the wedding so I wrote most of my thank you cards in advance and then dropped them off at the front desk of our hotel to have them mailed.

Come to find out that I never received one of the gifts from my bridesmaid but I still sent a thank you card. I'm almost sure it was not stolen or misplaced so I am thinking they have decided to return it, keep it, or give it to us later.

Worst part is, I was trying not to be rude and still came off that way. Any way of damage control?

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

If she's your BM, you're close to her right? Just tell her what happened and see if you can figure it out. Personally, I wouldn't mind trying to help out - I'd just want to make sure I didn't waste my money on a gift you never got!

doeydo · September 2014

perdonami said:

So, I knew it was going to be super crazy during and after the wedding so I wrote most of my thank you cards in advance and then dropped them off at the front desk of our hotel to have them mailed.

Come to find out that I never received one of the gifts from my bridesmaid but I still sent a thank you card. I'm almost sure it was not stolen or misplaced so I am thinking they have decided to return it, keep it, or give it to us later.

Worst part is, I was trying not to be rude and still came off that way. Any way of damage control?

I am confused. How did you know what she got you in order to write a proper thank you note? Maybe she just didn't get you a gift, since gifts are not required.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

doeydo said:

I am confused. How did you know what she got you in order to write a proper thank you note? Maybe she just didn't get you a gift, since gifts are not required.

This.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

I'm confused, too. How did you write a TY card without the gift?

misshart00 · September 2014

doeydo said:

perdonami said:

So, I knew it was going to be super crazy during and after the wedding so I wrote most of my thank you cards in advance and then dropped them off at the front desk of our hotel to have them mailed.

Come to find out that I never received one of the gifts from my bridesmaid but I still sent a thank you card. I'm almost sure it was not stolen or misplaced so I am thinking they have decided to return it, keep it, or give it to us later.

Worst part is, I was trying not to be rude and still came off that way. Any way of damage control?

I am confused. How did you know what she got you in order to write a proper thank you note? Maybe she just didn't get you a gift, since gifts are not required.

This. I don't understand. What did you thank her for? If it was for being a bridesmaid, there's no problem. If it was for a gift, how did you write a thank you note if you have no idea what or if she got you something?

Fran1985 · September 2014

misshart00 said:

perdonami said:

So, I knew it was going to be super crazy during and after the wedding so I wrote most of my thank you cards in advance and then dropped them off at the front desk of our hotel to have them mailed.

Come to find out that I never received one of the gifts from my bridesmaid but I still sent a thank you card. I'm almost sure it was not stolen or misplaced so I am thinking they have decided to return it, keep it, or give it to us later.

Worst part is, I was trying not to be rude and still came off that way. Any way of damage control?
I am confused. How did you know what she got you in order to write a proper thank you note? Maybe she just didn't get you a gift, since gifts are not required.
This. I don't understand. What did you thank her for? If it was for being a bridesmaid, there's no problem. If it was for a gift, how did you write a thank you note if you have no idea what or if she got you something?

My guess is registry manager. She looked up who bought what on the registry and sent them out before receiving them. Which is.. not a great idea. I know my aunt bought some stuff for my grandmother to give me for instance. Or here, the bridesmaid may have returned it for a number of reasons (unexpected expenses or something). So if OP asks about it its going to be pretty akward.

misshart00 · September 2014

Fran1985 said:

misshart00 said:

perdonami said:

So, I knew it was going to be super crazy during and after the wedding so I wrote most of my thank you cards in advance and then dropped them off at the front desk of our hotel to have them mailed.

Come to find out that I never received one of the gifts from my bridesmaid but I still sent a thank you card. I'm almost sure it was not stolen or misplaced so I am thinking they have decided to return it, keep it, or give it to us later.

Worst part is, I was trying not to be rude and still came off that way. Any way of damage control?
I am confused. How did you know what she got you in order to write a proper thank you note? Maybe she just didn't get you a gift, since gifts are not required.

This. I don't understand. What did you thank her for? If it was for being a bridesmaid, there's no problem. If it was for a gift, how did you write a thank you note if you have no idea what or if she got you something?
My guess is registry manager. She looked up who bought what on the registry and sent them out before receiving them. Which is.. not a great idea. I know my aunt bought some stuff for my grandmother to give me for instance. Or here, the bridesmaid may have returned it for a number of reasons (unexpected expenses or something). So if OP asks about it its going to be pretty akward.

That makes a little more sense. But to lurkers, don't write notes before you actually have the gift.

perdonami · September 2014

As some PP stated, I found her gift on the thank you note listing for my registry. She said she was bringing a gift to the actual wedding and I wanted to make sure I thanked her. Which obviously was a bad idea as I should of waited till I physically received the gift. I did also thank her for being a BM as well in the note.

Originally, before we opened the gifts when we got home, we suspected one was missing. But upon closer investigation I highly doubt it and don't want to inquire about it. I also figure if she did get the gift and it was somehow lost or stolen, I figure it would hurt her feelings if we did not receive it so the thank you note would be harmless in that case. But, like I said, I doubt that this is the situation.

Any ideas on how to do some damage control? Should I just ignore the situation?

perdonami · September 2014

martha1818 said:
Off topic and not helpful, but I'm curious at what a thank you note listing is on a registry? Is it just a list online that keeps track of who buys what?

Thats okay, with Macy's registry they have a 'thank you manger' that tells you who bought what. You can use it to keep track of who you received gifts from and if you properly thanked them. I obviously (and stupidly) thanked her before I recieved the gift.

Let this be a cautionary tale for lurkers. Don't do what I did, wait to receive the gift before thanking and if you never receive the gift pretend as if it was not purchased and ignore it.

MairePoppy · September 2014

Check back with the venue and hotel to make sure you didn't leave the gift behind. Wait a few days to see if the gift arrives. Your friend may have decided to send the gift, rather than bring it to the reception. If your friend purchased something off your registry and told you she was bringing the gift to the reception, she probably forgot it at home or in her car.

If the gift doesn't materialize, call your bm to tell her what happened. Bring her a bottle of wine and hope she thinks it's funny.

KatieinBkln · September 2014

Yeah, I don't know that there's much you can say now. "Hey, you know that gift I thanked you for? Never actually got it so...send it now pls?" Not exactly, right?

If she returned the gift/plans to give you something else, she may very well say something about the discrepancy. But if she returned it and didn't plan on getting you anything else, she'll likely stay quiet out of potential embarrassment. I'd just keep mum.

perdonami · September 2014

MairePoppy said:

Check back with the venue and hotel to make sure you didn't leave the gift behind. Wait a few days to see if the gift arrives. Your friend may have decided to send the gift, rather than bring it to the reception. If your friend purchased something off your registry and told you she was bringing the gift to the reception, she probably forgot it at home or in her car.
If the gift doesn't materialize, call your bm to tell her what happened. Bring her a bottle of wine and hope she thinks it's funny.

I already checked with our vendor three times and asked our best man who helped us take the gifts back to the room if he thought we were missing anything. We came to the conclusion that nothing was left out but the only way to know for sure if there was a photo taken of the gifts during the reception.

Sars06 · September 2014

In addition to gratitude, the thank you note serves the purpose of letting the giver know that you received their gift intact. Lurkers take note. As I understand it, an item may show up as purchased in the registry manager if the giver decides to buy something for themselves along with your gift. It might also happen if they purchase an item after linking to it from your registry. OP, if she didn't actually buy you anything, she may be thinking that the store f-ed up and sent you a freebie. Which is fine. If she did purchase something for you and it got lost...well, it might just stay lost because I don't think there is a polite way for you to raise that issue with her now. Edited for paragraphs (hopefully).

perdonami · September 2014

Seems like the best answer is to ignore the situation.

Just didn't want to make matters worse by sending a thank you card for a gift not received as if I wanted her to know she bought me a gift but didn't give said gift. It was not my intention to come off as catty.

badbnagdway · September 2014

It's great that you got your thank you notes together so quickly but unfortunate that this happened. If I received a thank you note for a gift I didn't send, I'd probably tell the bride, thinking she had thanked the wrong person. I guess the awkward part would come in if she decided she couldn't get you anything for one reason or another.

simplyelise · September 2014

FWIW, for my shower, my FI's aunts/cousins went in on a KitchenAid Mixer. But the Macy's registry just shows it being from the person who actually purchased it. I can't imagine being able to predict the complexities of who may or may not share a gift given. Also, many of my own aunts will purchase a gift for their adult children to give the bride and groom. So again, it wouldn't look like they got anything from the registry.

If others are just looking for a way to more quickly get out invites after the wedding, maybe just pre addressing with the return address? If a couple goes on a HM right away, I don't expect them to open presents/send thank yous until they get back anyway.

perdonami · September 2014

Well, unfortunately after this wedding, I will no longer be friends or in contact with this bridesmaid any longer. Thanking her for a gift not given makes the situation worse. I wanted a clean break from this relationship if at all possible.

larrygaga · September 2014

How embarassing. I don't have any advice except maybe she will bring it up and then you can explain it?

I have no idea what you were thinking! What about all the non registry gifts and money? Do you make those out later?

perdonami · September 2014

I'm working on the other ones today, but they are just for cash and giftcard gifts, no one purchased any non registry items. ETA:

badbnagdway · September 2014

perdonami said:

Well, unfortunately after this wedding, I will no longer be friends or in contact with this bridesmaid any longer. Thanking her for a gift not given makes the situation worse. I wanted a clean break from this relationship if at all possible.

Oh wow, well maybe this is why she decided not to give the gift?

Fran1985 · September 2014

perdonami said:

Well, unfortunately after this wedding, I will no longer be friends or in contact with this bridesmaid any longer. Thanking her for a gift not given makes the situation worse. I wanted a clean break from this relationship if at all possible.

Esh. I mean there is nothing really to do at this point. She will probably take it as a dig, but I wouldn't mention it unless she does.

Jessa617 · September 2014

If you plan to cut ties with her and end the friendship, maybe she sensed this prior to the wedding and decided to keep the gift for herself, or return it.

I would just leave it alone.

perdonami · September 2014

I plan on leaving it alone. She was so rude to me and my inlaws.. From what I can tell she is kind of embarassed by her actions.. I think its better to just ignore this situation at this point. I really didn't mean to come off as catty but its obviously too late for that now.

Btw, I have completed almost all of my thank you cards except for one. I am waiting because we have not received it yet. Sure, he told us at the wedding what he got us and that we would be receiving it this week and sure I see it there on the registry.. But I am going to chose to ignore this until I physically have the gift.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

perdonami said:

Well, unfortunately after this wedding, I will no longer be friends or in contact with this bridesmaid any longer. Thanking her for a gift not given makes the situation worse. I wanted a clean break from this relationship if at all possible.

What a mess. What happened that you don't want to be friends anymore? How was she rude?

Look, you made an honest mistake. But it sounds like she bought you a gift and then returned it.

Which, is her perogative, but kind of stupid since you obviously saw that she bought you something off your registry, and then didn't receive it.

I guess the best thing to do is leave it alone, unless you want to be friends with her again in the future.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

perdonami said:

Well, unfortunately after this wedding, I will no longer be friends or in contact with this bridesmaid any longer. Thanking her for a gift not given makes the situation worse. I wanted a clean break from this relationship if at all possible.

Ruh roh. . . why?

perdonami · September 2014

For those who are curious as to why I feel the need to have a clean break from this relationship is because of her rudeness. I won't go into all the details as there are several incidents besides the one I am about to explain that lead me to my decision.

While at breakfast the morning of the wedding, I discovered that the only reason why they asked to have breakfast with us is because they didn't want to pay for it themselves. Which is fine, but I don't think I would feel as bad about it if she and her SO respected my MIL.

Not only has she openly admitted to me that she thinks my MIL is controlling (which she absolutely is not) and wants nothing to do with her. She went on to explain that if she ever got married she would not allow her to have any input on the wedding but would gladly accept any contributions from her.

While we were eating, somehow the seating chart came up and they expressed concerns on where they will be seating. I explained that I had sat them with my in-laws which are her SO's parents. She got pissed off and said that she did not want to sit with a bunch of liberals and that she would have nothing to talk about.

Btw, my in-laws are paying for their meal.. I didn't even know what to say accept that I will not be re-doing the seating chart the day of the wedding and that she need to find something else to discuss with the rest of the group at the table.

Later on during dinner, I noticed they had asked another couple if they could switch places so they could sit at another table. I wanted to slap them both. So rude.

When they excused themselves for the evening they left without saying goodbye to me or my husband. Which is fine with me as I plan to not speak with them again unless necessary or an apology is made.

Again, lurkers please take note how important is to ensure that you choose your bridal party wisely. When problems arise throughout the planning process you are going to want to have folks who are going to be a friend to you and not instead laugh at you. Once you make your decision on who to ask, its done and you can't ask to change without being rude yourself.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

perdonami said:

For those who are curious as to why I feel the need to have a clean break from this relationship is because of her rudeness. I won't go into all the details as there are several incidents besides the one I am about to explain that lead me to my decision.

While at breakfast the morning of the wedding, I discovered that the only reason why they asked to have breakfast with us is because they didn't want to pay for it themselves. Which is fine, but I don't think I would feel as bad about it if she and her SO respected my MIL.

Not only has she openly admitted to me that she thinks my MIL is controlling (which she absolutely is not) and wants nothing to do with her. She went on to explain that if she ever got married she would not allow her to have any input on the wedding but would gladly accept any contributions from her.

While we were eating, somehow the seating chart came up and they expressed concerns on where they will be seating. I explained that I had sat them with my in-laws which are her SO's parents. She got pissed off and said that she did not want to sit with a bunch of liberals and that she would have nothing to talk about.

Btw, my in-laws are paying for their meal.. I didn't even know what to say accept that I will not be re-doing the seating chart the day of the wedding and that she need to find something else to discuss with the rest of the group at the table.

Later on during dinner, I noticed they had asked another couple if they could switch places so they could sit at another table. I wanted to slap them both. So rude.

When they excused themselves for the evening they left without saying goodbye to me or my husband. Which is fine with me as I plan to not speak with them again unless necessary or an apology is made.

Again, lurkers please take note how important is to ensure that you choose your bridal party wisely. When problems arise throughout the planning process you are going to want to have folks who are going to be a friend to you and not instead laugh at you. Once you make your decision on who to ask, its done and you can't ask to change without being rude yourself.

So is her SO and your husband siblings? That' what I got out of that, correct me if I'm wrong.

Therefore, you probably can't make a clean break from her, because you will still see her at family functions. If this is the case, maybe you should have an honest discussion with her, and tell her you meant no ill will with the thank you note, it was an honest mistake.

This woman sounds annoying, but she didn't do anything too terrible from what you said here.

She doesn't like your in laws, fine that is her opinion. No she shouldn't have complained about where she was sitting, but whatever.

There were a bunch of guests that didn't say goodbye to us at our wedding, it happens. I wouldn't take that as a dig, it's a busy night.

perdonami · September 2014

huskypuppy14 said:
So is her SO and your husband siblings? That' what I got out of that, correct me if I'm wrong.

Therefore, you probably can't make a clean break from her, because you will still see her at family functions. If they show up and they are quite open about not attending family functions unless there are gifts involved for them. When there are gifts/cash involved they leave immediately after receiving their gifts. If this is the case, maybe you should have an honest discussion with her, and tell her you meant no ill will with the thank you note, it was an honest mistake. I am still considering this.

This woman sounds annoying, but she didn't do anything too terrible from what you said here.
I disagree wholeheartedly and if you saw the look on MIL's face you would have felt the same way.
She doesn't like your in laws, fine that is her opinion. No she shouldn't have complained about where she was sitting especially in front of them, but whatever.
Remeber this all was said and done in front of my in-laws. It was extremely rude to them and hurtful so no not whatever.

There were a bunch of guests that didn't say goodbye to us at our wedding, it happens. I wouldn't take that as a dig, it's a busy night.

Sure, here I can say whatever. However everything else? No, sorry but not sorry.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

I didn't realize she said this in front of your in-laws, that was definitely rude on her part. However, your issue is with trying to resolve the thank you note snafu. Maybe try to smooth that over.

You are correct in that people need to be careful with who they ask to be in their wedding. Why did you ask her in the first place?

I understand where you are coming from, my husband's brother's wife is terrible- and they are both disrespectful to my in-laws. But I certainly didn't ask her to be in my wedding party.

Did your husband's sibling not get you guys a wedding gift. I only ask, because as a couple I would assume the gift would be from both of them. (Not that they have to get you a gift to begin with, just a question.)

perdonami · September 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

I didn't realize she said this in front of your in-laws, that was definitely rude on her part. However, your issue is with trying to resolve the thank you note snafu. Maybe try to smooth that over.

You are correct in that people need to be careful with who they ask to be in their wedding. Why did you ask her in the first place?

I understand where you are coming from, my husband's brother's wife is terrible- and they are both disrespectful to my in-laws. But I certainly didn't ask her to be in my wedding party.

Did your husband's sibling not get you guys a wedding gift. I only ask, because as a couple I would assume the gift would be from both of them. (Not that they have to get you a gift to begin with, just a question.)

To answer your question about why I chose her, I asked her for all the wrong reasons. I felt pressured to have an even and female only bridal party. She was very sweet when we intially met and began to hang out. We quickly became friends and I opened up more with her and shared some wedding ideas and she seemed very supportive.

After I asked her, she did a complete 180 and started acting like a totally different person. She started bad mouthing me and my in-laws. She said my wedding ideas were stupid, kept constantly reminding me to buy her a BM gift, said I was fat in my wedding dress (that was two sizes too big), repeatedly kept asking me if I was planning to lose weight for my wedding, and that I was bridezilla because I didn't want to do a money dance. Not to mention she also critiqued the bridal shower my aunt threw for me and said my casual co-ed dinner was a stupid replacement for a bachelorette party.

I really should have spent more time considering who I would like to have stand with me. But, I've owned my bad decisions and just want to encourage others to not make the same mistake that I did.

I suppose you're right I should try and smooth things over but I don't even know where to begin and if she said something rude, again, I may just kill her.

As for who bought what, at this point since no gift was given I am going to assume that neither her or my husband's brother purchased a gift for us. I did at least include in the thank you note that I appreciated her time taken to stand with us on our wedding day. Which honestly, I am not sure why she did..

I think I F'cked Up Knotties..

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