Practical vs Ideal (elope???)

missmay14 · September 2014

Im going to try to keep this as much to the point as possible. My future Husband is wanting to elope. We have been planning for a wedding next October. He is a police officer, and there was a recent shooting of a young officer that has him very disturbed. Last month I also had a close friends boyfriend taken from her in a crash, and he has seen her mourning. He is afraid of dying before he becomes my husband. He is afraid of being on life support and his family not honoring what he and I have discussed. He is afraid of something happening and us losing our house, since it is in his name. And to be honest, I have all the same fears, especially lately as Ive had to approach death more realistically. So the two options weve been discussing are Eloping, and just using the money we would be using towards a wedding to pay off our house and start a family sooner. or to take out a loan and get married in 6 months instead of 13. I mean really, its just one day. a party really... should I really spend all that money? then again, a wedding lets me walk down the aisle, and have the pictures, family to come to town, the memories, and as stupidly enough I really want to wear a wedding dress. We have already decided on a living will and legally making me his POA, but we are pretty set on expediting this. What do you think? Is it dumb to take on a debt? should I suck it up and get eloped? We had a discussion on it tonight, and he has left it to me to decide. We decided we would discuss it again in a few days when we have had the time to really weigh our options.

LondonLisa · September 2014

Firstly, taking out a loan is silly for one day. So I would not even consider that option. Whether you want to elope or not, is your decision. Will you regret not having the big white wedding day? Many nice weddings can be planned in a month or two. It may not be a huge dinner blowout but it will be just as fun.

Most of his anxieties would be solved by the will/ end of life document. This would be infinitely cheaper than moving up a wedding and, frankly, everyone should have their will/ end of life plans formalised with a lawyer regardless of their marriage status.

However, I think the most pressing matter here is that your fi is going through some serious grief issues and it is manifesting itself into being "solved" by being married. I think you two should go to a counselor who specialises in military/police to help him manage these anxieties. Then see how you two feel about the wedding after a few sessions.

LondonLisa · September 2014

brittanymasonwhite said:

Im going to try to keep this as much to the point as possible. My future Husband is wanting to elope. We have been planning for a wedding next October. He is a police officer, and there was a recent shooting of a young officer that has him very disturbed. Last month I also had a close friends boyfriend taken from her in a crash, and he has seen her mourning. He is afraid of dying before he becomes my husband. He is afraid of being on life support and his family not honoring what he and I have discussed. He is afraid of something happening and us losing our house, since it is in his name. And to be honest, I have all the same fears, especially lately as Ive had to approach death more realistically. So the two options weve been discussing are Eloping, and just using the money we would be using towards a wedding to pay off our house and start a family sooner. or to take out a loan and get married in 6 months instead of 13. I mean really, its just one day. a party really... should I really spend all that money? then again, a wedding lets me walk down the aisle, and have the pictures, family to come to town, the memories, and as stupidly enough I really want to wear a wedding dress. We have already decided on a living will and legally making me his POA, but we are pretty set on expediting this. What do you think? Is it dumb to take on a debt? should I suck it up and get eloped? We had a discussion on it tonight, and he has left it to me to decide. We decided we would discuss it again in a few days when we have had the time to really weigh our options.

just because I forgot to quote

misshart00 · September 2014

I agree with Lisa. Marriage won't fix his anxieties. And most of the problems he is worried about can be written into a will. I definitely agree about a grief counselor. He's going through a lot and needs to talk to someone about it

That being said, you can move up your wedding if you want, but I wouldn't take out a loan for a party.

misshart00 · September 2014

Also, of your screen name is your real name, you should really change it.

badbnagdway · September 2014

OP, I would not recommend going into debt for the wedding. What kind of wedding day do you envision?

missmay14 · September 2014

Lisa I really appreciate the thought put into your reply.
I really want to reapproach the conversation when his head is in a more positive way. A therapist would be a great idea, I can try to look them up, im not sure where to start, but im sure google can help me there.

missmay14 · September 2014

I have always wanted a very intimate wedding, so im pretty simple in what I want. We already have a house so the idea of a small loan doesnt seem like it would be detrimental, but its still terrifying the idea of taking out any money all at.

I wish we had just eloped to begin with, Im not a center of attention kind of girl. I feel like its too far in to do it now. but thats silly too.

LondonLisa · September 2014

missmay14 said:

Lisa I really appreciate the thought put into your reply.
I really want to reapproach the conversation when his head is in a more positive way. A therapist would be a great idea, I can try to look them up, im not sure where to start, but im sure google can help me there.

I'm glad I was able to help. I would contact the police union, as they would often have recommendations for health and wellbeing providers that specialise in this (this can be done anonymously). Another would be to ask your doctor for recommendations. Good luck.

missmay14 · September 2014

Also when I talk about a loan I mean less than 10k. probably closer to 5, just help with the anxiety of wedding stresses.

LondonLisa · September 2014

missmay14 said:

Also when I talk about a loan I mean less than 10k. probably closer to 5, just help with the anxiety of wedding stresses.

I understand that, but I still think any loan for a party is a bad idea. It starts your marriage off on the wrong foot (in debt). One should never take out money unless it is for an asset (ie: a house, to start a business) or self-investment (ie: university). Money is also the number 1 cause of marital problems, so don't tempt it. Plus, with compound interest, a 10K loan can easily grow into a 15k repayment. For a party. Would you pay someone 3,000-5,000 to loan you 10,000 for a party?

tammym1001 · September 2014

DH and I were together for 10 years before we got married. We don't mix any of our finances, but there were a lot of things we needed to work out because I live in a house that's in his name and work at his business. It was a whole lot of "what if's" if something happened to him before we were married. He spent a few hundred dollars and had a lawyer draw up paperwork outlining what should happen with everything should something happen to him. See if that would put your FI's mind at ease so you don't have to move up your wedding date.

Side note: I have a feeling that the legal stuff may not be the real reason he wants to hurry up and get married. Seeing people your age dying can really make you want to get the most out of life so he may want to hurry up and marry to make sure he isn't "missing out", but he doesn't know how or want to explain the emotional part of it.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Taking out a loan for your wedding shouldn't even be on the table. You're right - it's one day. Not worth any type of debt in any way shape or form.

I think you have two options:

1) Elope. Save the money you would have spend on a big wedding and put it toward the principle on your home.

2) Wait until October 2015 as planned. To ease his tensions in the mean time, go to your bank and have your name added to the title of his house. Fill out the forms so that you can have durable medical power of attorney over him. Go with him to talk to an attorney about him writing a will leaving you all of his shit and get it notarized.

As a cop, there's a risk of him dying on the job every day. If that is too much for him, he should find another profession. I say that with zero snarkiness and 100% sincerity. Just think - if he's freaked out about this now, how is he going to handle going to work when y'all have kids?

photokitty · September 2014

^^^ I agree whole heartedly with @southernbelle0915, pretend I said all that.

You can totally elope, wear a wedding dress and have photos. Eloping doesn't meal you can't do all that stuff. @jells2dot0 had a planned elopement, perhaps she can chime in.

Jells2dot0 · September 2014

As @photokitty‌ mentioned, we eloped. For me, it wasn't "sucking it up." it's what we both wanted from the start. We essentially had a full up destination wedding with dress, vows, ring exchange, photos, and private dinner. It just happened to not include any guests. We avoided guests because of stress and drama, not financial reasons or circumstances that caused us to change plans.

That being said, I agree with not taking out a loan. You are under enough stress and no need to add to that!! I also agree that getting married won't assuage any fears you or your DH may have about dying and dealing with all of the financial fallout of death. We kept our finances separate after our marriage (and have a prenup), but to secure things in case of a death, we had a living trust put into place a year prior to marrying. It lays everything out and we didn't even need to be husband and wife.

CMGragain · September 2014

missmay14 said:

Im going to try to keep this as much to the point as possible. My future Husband is wanting to elope. We have been planning for a wedding next October. He is a police officer, and there was a recent shooting of a young officer that has him very disturbed. Last month I also had a close friends boyfriend taken from her in a crash, and he has seen her mourning. He is afraid of dying before he becomes my husband. He is afraid of being on life support and his family not honoring what he and I have discussed. He is afraid of something happening and us losing our house, since it is in his name. And to be honest, I have all the same fears, especially lately as Ive had to approach death more realistically. So the two options weve been discussing are Eloping, and just using the money we would be using towards a wedding to pay off our house and start a family sooner. or to take out a loan and get married in 6 months instead of 13. I mean really, its just one day. a party really... should I really spend all that money? then again, a wedding lets me walk down the aisle, and have the pictures, family to come to town, the memories, and as stupidly enough I really want to wear a wedding dress. We have already decided on a living will and legally making me his POA, but we are pretty set on expediting this. What do you think? Is it dumb to take on a debt? should I suck it up and get eloped? We had a discussion on it tonight, and he has left it to me to decide. We decided we would discuss it again in a few days when we have had the time to really weigh our options.

Getting married sooner won't change your fears. Facing the future realistically will. The two of you should talk to a lawyer and get your future plans in order, no matter what happens, ASAP!

I am currently living with stage 4 metastatic cancer. Chances are I have four or five more years - maybe more. It is in God's hands. I have already set things up for my husband and adult children's future. There will be no panic decisions when I die. I'm going to die the way I choose. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my plans are ready.
If the two of you are at all religious, I suggest you find a good, supportive church. Facing the future is part of what religion is FOR!

You have more than two options. If his issue is simply that he wants to move the wedding date forward, that can be solved without going into debt.
Have a traditional wedding. You wear the white dress, walk down the aisle, have the pictures, etc.. Have it in the daytime, and serve a brunch. (Half the cost of an evening dinner reception!) An afternoon ceremony with sandwiches, cake and punch is even cheaper, and very traditional. The most expensive part of a wedding is the reception. You don't need to have a full dinner with open bar!

txbandwife · September 2014

This:

photokitty said:
You can totally elope, wear a wedding dress and have photos. Eloping doesn't meal you can't do all that stuff. @jells2dot0 had a planned elopement, perhaps she can chime in.

This:

CMGragain said:

Getting married sooner won't change your fears. Facing the future realistically will. The two of you should talk to a lawyer and get your future plans in order, no matter what happens, ASAP!

I am currently living with stage 4 metastatic cancer. Chances are I have four or five more years - maybe more. It is in God's hands. I have already set things up for my husband and adult children's future. There will be no panic decisions when I die. I'm going to die the way I choose. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my plans are ready.

I know someone who got married by the JOP and had a beautiful wedding photo at work.

Being military, I can understand where your man is coming from and I agree with CMCGragain that while he may feel intense internal pressure to marry you, it's proper PLANNING that *REALLY* takes care of the fears. I know someone who married the man of her dreams only to lose him in an accident a month later. He was awesome. Not only was he awesome to her, but upon his death she discovered he had already done all that was necessary to take care of her for the rest of her life. I remember her irritation at having to fill out all these forms and deal with the estate planning stuff the 2nd week in when she just wanted to have fun being married. And he had done a lot of prep BEFORE they actually got hitched (good thing too, b/c his family tried to contest but he had things locked down tight).

I wish you all the best. I had the fancy wedding that was dreamily perfect (thank you Mom) and ended up single again. It's not about the wedding but the love and care for one another.

STARMOON44 · September 2014

How much money do you have to work with right now? Could you have a small wedding in a month? Afternoon ceremony at your church, followed by cake and punch in the church hall, wearing a pretty white dress you found on sale? Or city hall followed by lunch with your parents?

I agree with everyone else that a wedding isn't treatment for anxiety , but it sounds like the only thing stopping you from eloping is a pretty dress and family, and you can have those pretty cheaply. No invitations, music, flowers , photographer, wedding party needed.

badbnagdway · September 2014

STARMOON44 said:

How much money do you have to work with right now? Could you have a small wedding in a month? Afternoon ceremony at your church, followed by cake and punch in the church hall, wearing a pretty white dress you found on sale? Or city hall followed by lunch with your parents? I agree with everyone else that a wedding isn't treatment for anxiety , but it sounds like the only thing stopping you from eloping is a pretty dress and family, and you can have those pretty cheaply. No invitations, music, flowers , photographer, wedding party needed.

I wonder this too. In a month or a few months you could put together something simple for a low price tag that would hit the high points of a wedding day.

JacqC · September 2014

As someone fresh out of university and engaged, I truly understand your desire for that white dress down the aisle, big pretty wedding experience. Yet, the money part is what's prevented my FI and I from having that. He also wanted to have it sooner than later, like your FI. We probably have less money than you, so let me share with you a couple of budget ideas that will help your "get it done quick" and "be beautiful" conundrum.

1. Wedding packages--don't knock 'em out completely. I don't know where you live, but there are plenty of packages offered for popular scenic areas. I live in CA for example, and there are affordable packages for places like Lake Tahoe and other areas of natural beauty. So search them out online! 2. Speaking of online--pintrest.com ! I found wedding dresses for less than $300 that were in the styles I liked. Ebay has pretty inexpensive rings, as well, but dig around. If you have a really tight budget, use carbon zinc instead of diamonds. When you both have a bigger budget, you can buy each other different rings for your anniversary or something. On pintrest, you can find pretty much anything. 3. Be creative with your location. You mentioned eloping but wanting to have a more traditional ceremony and reception. My cousin, even though he can afford anything, is having his wedding and reception at his parents' house. If you know someone with a pretty home, see if they're willing to play host. There are more locations that are free or very affordable, which are usually city owned property. Like parks or some beaches. Some museums and universities also will have ceremonies for decent prices. 4. Receptions~ the most costly, usually. Use your connections. My friend is doing the video and photography, another is making drinks for us--you get the drift. I think you'd save a lot of money having a reception at your home or someone else's. You have control of the food and drinks, which is one of the costliest aspects of weddings in general. Plus you and your friends can have fun making creative decorations! 5. We're doing our ceremony at San Francisco City Hall (incredibly beautiful). You said you wanted/your FI wanted to hurry--you can go to a pretty city hall nearby and sign the papers, then have a beautiful traditional ceremony in your backyard or elsewhere the same or a different day. Many people have recommended getting the license before the ceremony, anyway, simply for the "rest-at-ease" mentality. Knowing that you're officially married may put your FI at ease, in particular. ***Although we're just doing the basic signing papers and whatnot at City Hall, we're going to work and save up to have a regular ceremony and reception a year from now or two, depending on how the money looks. Traditional? No, and I understand you may be let down if you have to go this route (I know I was a little), but remember that it's about WHO you're marrying. Not the appearance. This is reality, after all, you both experienced very terrible tragedies. And your plans and feelings have changed a little because of that. It's okay if your wedding plans are modified to fit those feelings! Keep an open mind, and let us all know if we can help

***

aggiespartan · September 2014

We are doing something in the middle and going to Las Vegas to get married and inviting about 40 people. I'll still have the dress and he will have a tux, but we are only expecting about 20 guests, which will cut the cost way down from if we had it in one of our home towns.

Viczaesar · September 2014

JacqC said:

As someone fresh out of university and engaged, I truly understand your desire for that white dress down the aisle, big pretty wedding experience. Yet, the money part is what's prevented my FI and I from having that. He also wanted to have it sooner than later, like your FI. We probably have less money than you, so let me share with you a couple of budget ideas that will help your "get it done quick" and "be beautiful" conundrum. 1. Wedding packages--don't knock 'em out completely. I don't know where you live, but there are plenty of packages offered for popular scenic areas. I live in CA for example, and there are affordable packages for places like Lake Tahoe and other areas of natural beauty. So search them out online! 2. Speaking of online--pintrest.com ! I found wedding dresses for less than $300 that were in the styles I liked. Ebay has pretty inexpensive rings, as well, but dig around. If you have a really tight budget, use carbon zinc instead of diamonds. When you both have a bigger budget, you can buy each other different rings for your anniversary or something. On pintrest, you can find pretty much anything. 3. Be creative with your location. You mentioned eloping but wanting to have a more traditional ceremony and reception. My cousin, even though he can afford anything, is having his wedding and reception at his parents' house. If you know someone with a pretty home, see if they're willing to play host. There are more locations that are free or very affordable, which are usually city owned property. Like parks or some beaches. Some museums and universities also will have ceremonies for decent prices. 4. Receptions~ the most costly, usually. Use your connections. My friend is doing the video and photography, another is making drinks for us--you get the drift. I think you'd save a lot of money having a reception at your home or someone else's. You have control of the food and drinks, which is one of the costliest aspects of weddings in general. Plus you and your friends can have fun making creative decorations! 5. We're doing our ceremony at San Francisco City Hall (incredibly beautiful). You said you wanted/your FI wanted to hurry--you can go to a pretty city hall nearby and sign the papers, then have a beautiful traditional ceremony in your backyard or elsewhere the same or a different day. Many people have recommended getting the license before the ceremony, anyway, simply for the "rest-at-ease" mentality. Knowing that you're officially married may put your FI at ease, in particular. ***Although we're just doing the basic signing papers and whatnot at City Hall, we're going to work and save up to have a regular ceremony and reception a year from now or two, depending on how the money looks. Traditional? No, and I understand you may be let down if you have to go this route (I know I was a little), but remember that it's about WHO you're marrying. Not the appearance. This is reality, after all, you both experienced very terrible tragedies. And your plans and feelings have changed a little because of that. It's okay if your wedding plans are modified to fit those feelings! Keep an open mind, and let us all know if we can help ***

You can't have a wedding ceremony after you get married. You can have a vow renewal, but it in no way should resemble a wedding ceremony.

esstee33 · September 2014

While a lot of what @JacqC said is good and valid advice, please don't get married at the courthouse and then throw a fake ceremony later when you can afford it. You don't get a do-over. The moment you sign those papers and become legally married, that's your wedding, period. Even if you're in a room at the courthouse with nobody else there. Unless you get a divorce, you can only get married once. And please don't use your friends as free vendors. They're your guests.

As for the rest, PPs are right on. Speeding up the wedding is not going to calm his fears about his mortality and all the rest. He needs to talk to a professional about this.

If you do want to speed up the wedding, but don't want to sacrifice the big, traditional party, there are lots of ways to do it. I planned my first wedding in 3 months for only a few thousand bucks. We had a sit-down dinner reception in a hotel ballroom with awesome food and an open bar and all that. Get creative with your date -- off-season weddings will save you money. Friday nights will save you money. Find a used dress on www.oncewed.com or eBay or Craigslist (mine was a big, beautiful Alfred Angelo ballgown, brand new with tags, which I found on eBay for $75). The dollar store is a wealth of cheap decor options. There are ways!

casey8784 · September 2014

I was going to basically say what @CMGragain and @finalist4msveternamerica already said. You don't necessarily have to rush the wedding and get married sooner, but this is a good opportunity to plan for the future.

My fiance is a firefighter, and earlier this year we had 2 LODDs; the first since FI had joined the department. It definitely made us pause and think about questions/issues that we didn't think we needed to worry about yet, and we talked with a lawyer and are in the process of getting everything lined up. (Like you, my FI has some worries about life support and knowing that his parents/family wouldn't be able to honor what he wants.) He's also looking into local cemeteries, so on the off-chance something happens to him on the job, I'll know exactly what the plans are (but that may just be me being OCD since I'm already in "plan-plan-plan-and-make-a-list-and-spreadsheet!" mode cause of the wedding!) but I can definitely tell you, I never thought I would be thinking about wills and funeral costs the month before my wedding!

I think, like you said you're already planning on doing, that your best bet right now is getting living wills and regular wills done (if you're worried about the house, he can leave it to you, etc). Rushing the wedding while he (and you?) are seemingly still grieving doesn't seem like something that will really bring closure. Even if you don't want a huge wedding, saving money over the next 13 or so months will help out a lot, and you won't have to worry about paying off any debt...

geminimama16 · September 2014

I agree, some counseling for FI and possibly you as well. There will still be some emotional turmoil/issues around this after a wedding if you don't talk over your feelings and work it out.

I also, do not see eloping as sucking it up. I'm seriously considering similar for my wedding. Check out offbeatbride.com - I read an article today about modern elopements. Although I know that some here will poo-poo on this - I liked the idea of an elopement that people are invited to. In this case, the couple had a planned elopement. Sent out invitations stating that they were eloping to xyz (theirs was a destination elopement), would be married on such and such a beach "around sunset", and that anyone would be welcome to make the trip to witness the ceremony and join them for dinner at xyz restaurant afterwards. The bride wore a white dress, carried a small bouquet, and hired a photographer. Anyone who wished to go with them and could afford the trip, went. The bride was OK whether it ended up being just her and hubby or if 200 showed up because she knew that those who were coming knew that this was not a "hosted" event, but an invitation to simply join them at a destination. Is it the most traditional or "etiquette" based way to go? No, I'm not saying it is. But it was what worked best for THEM.

Just remember that the day is about you and FI, it isn't about what anyone here thinks you should or shouldn't do, it isn't about great aunt Jane who will be butthurt if she's not invited, it isn't about what mom or dad or anyone else wants. A wedding is about the love between you and FI; it is about that love ENDURING through thick and thin. THAT is the most important part of a wedding - the marriage.

LondonLisa · September 2014

geminimama16 said:

I agree, some counseling for FI and possibly you as well. There will still be some emotional turmoil/issues around this after a wedding if you don't talk over your feelings and work it out.

I also, do not see eloping as sucking it up. I'm seriously considering similar for my wedding. Check out offbeatbride.com - I read an article today about modern elopements. Although I know that some here will poo-poo on this - I liked the idea of an elopement that people are invited to. In this case, the couple had a planned elopement. Sent out invitations stating that they were eloping to xyz (theirs was a destination elopement), would be married on such and such a beach "around sunset", and that anyone would be welcome to make the trip to witness the ceremony and join them for dinner at xyz restaurant afterwards. The bride wore a white dress, carried a small bouquet, and hired a photographer. Anyone who wished to go with them and could afford the trip, went. The bride was OK whether it ended up being just her and hubby or if 200 showed up because she knew that those who were coming knew that this was not a "hosted" event, but an invitation to simply join them at a destination. Is it the most traditional or "etiquette" based way to go? No, I'm not saying it is. But it was what worked best for THEM.

Just remember that the day is about you and FI, it isn't about what anyone here thinks you should or shouldn't do, it isn't about great aunt Jane who will be butthurt if she's not invited, it isn't about what mom or dad or anyone else wants. A wedding is about the love between you and FI; it is about that love ENDURING through thick and thin. THAT is the most important part of a wedding - the marriage.

That sounds horrible! Elopements are truly private events only between the bride and groom. I feel like the way you have suggested is emotional blackmail. My mother would of course pay to be at my wedding and pay for her own meal if she had to, but why would I do that to her?!

As soon as you invite people (or "allow" them to attend your elopement, which really is just another word for invitation) you must host them properly. If you don't want aunt Jane there, don't invite her and certainly don't do anything as tacky as saying "you can come but you have to pay for yourself!"

jenna8984 · September 2014

I don't understand why weddings have to be every relative and friend invited. I just got married 5 days ago and I had the gorgeous gown, bouquet, walked the aisle with my dad, fabulously amazing photos, cake cutting, everything you listed. We had parents, grandparents, siblings, and 2 friends each for a total of 23 guests. It was the best night ever and everything I ever dreamed of for less than 2k. I think if you really want to move it up, something like that could work well for you.

But I agree with pp's that you need to address legal and mental issues that are causing you to move the date. good luck.

geminimama16 · September 2014

Knew there would be at least one nay-sayer... guess what: different strokes for different folks. Personally I don't think I'll be doing that but the woman writing the article did. Her day, her choice. Like I said, that is what worked for her and her family. Big deal. Some people need to get off their high horses on this board - who cares what internet people who don't even know you think of your choices! I, for one, know that my family would rather that I didn't go into debt or save for YEARS to have a perfect, big dollar event. They have offered to help in any way that they can - including paying their transportation and lodging for my wedding! Honestly, if you have a wedding within driving distance do you offer to pay for gas for guests to get there? No! So why would it be a big deal to invite to a destination and not pay for airfare and hotel?

esstee33 · September 2014

geminimama16 said:

Knew there would be at least one nay-sayer... guess what: different strokes for different folks. Personally I don't think I'll be doing that but the woman writing the article did. Her day, her choice. Like I said, that is what worked for her and her family. Big deal. Some people need to get off their high horses on this board - who cares what internet people who don't even know you think of your choices! I, for one, know that my family would rather that I didn't go into debt or save for YEARS to have a perfect, big dollar event. They have offered to help in any way that they can - including paying their transportation and lodging for my wedding! Honestly, if you have a wedding within driving distance do you offer to pay for gas for guests to get there? No! So why would it be a big deal to invite to a destination and not pay for airfare and hotel?

Nobody gives a shit if you know people who were rude. It doesn't make it not rude. Everyone has a budget, and if you can't host your guests properly within that budget, you need to start changing things until you can.

You don't need to pay for airfare and hotel. Where are you getting that? Some people do, but it's not required. It IS, however, required that you host some sort of reception for the people who did attend your ceremony. It doesn't have to be some extravagant dinner like you're claiming -- it can just be cake & punch if that's what you can afford, but you need to host SOMETHING. You can't just say "whoever wants to come can come but they're responsible for their own dinner." That's incredibly rude. If one of my friends "invited" me to her destination wedding and didn't even care enough about her guests to at least have appetizers or something, she could get bent.

ETA: I see that you're engaged. You should probably lurk around the boards a little more, because this "her day, her choice" shit is going to result in you making a lot of decisions that will probably offend your guests.

Jells2dot0 · September 2014

geminimama16 said:

I agree, some counseling for FI and possibly you as well. There will still be some emotional turmoil/issues around this after a wedding if you don't talk over your feelings and work it out.

I also, do not see eloping as sucking it up. I'm seriously considering similar for my wedding. Check out offbeatbride.com - I read an article today about modern elopements. Although I know that some here will poo-poo on this - I liked the idea of an elopement that people are invited to. In this case, the couple had a planned elopement. Sent out invitations stating that they were eloping to xyz (theirs was a destination elopement), would be married on such and such a beach "around sunset", and that anyone would be welcome to make the trip to witness the ceremony and join them for dinner at xyz restaurant afterwards. The bride wore a white dress, carried a small bouquet, and hired a photographer. Anyone who wished to go with them and could afford the trip, went. The bride was OK whether it ended up being just her and hubby or if 200 showed up because she knew that those who were coming knew that this was not a "hosted" event, but an invitation to simply join them at a destination. Is it the most traditional or "etiquette" based way to go? No, I'm not saying it is. But it was what worked best for THEM.

Just remember that the day is about you and FI, it isn't about what anyone here thinks you should or shouldn't do, it isn't about great aunt Jane who will be butthurt if she's not invited, it isn't about what mom or dad or anyone else wants. A wedding is about the love between you and FI; it is about that love ENDURING through thick and thin. THAT is the most important part of a wedding - the marriage.

A planned elopement is what I did. It means that you still elope (just bride and groom and you don't tell anyone about it prior to the event) but you put some thought into the plans. I booked a venue, had a dress made, and worked the details out with a weddng coordinator for a year prior to the event. The second you let people in on your plans and issue any type of invite, it's no longer an elopement. I realize that this all came from some article. However, just because it's in print doesn't make it correct or proper.

CMGragain · September 2014

@geminimam16, where ever did you get the idea that your wedding day is "your day"? This is only true if you elope. The minute you invite even one guest, it is no longer "your day", and you must follow the rules of etiquette.

These rules are not difficult.
1. Invitations must include both persons who are in a committed relationship. You can't invite just half of a couple.
2. People who are invited to your ceremony must be invited to a reception afterwards, on the same day, preferable immediately after your ceremony. You MUST provide food and drink at the reception, at least cake and punch, depending on the time of day. Nothing wrong with pizza or burgers, either. This is a way of thanking your guests for attending your ceremony.
3. You must hand write a thank you note to each person who gives you a gift, ASAP.

Notice that these rules say nothing about a white dress and veil, open bar, dancing, bouquet tossing, or any other wedding TRADITIONS.

Practical vs Ideal (elope???)

Re: Practical vs Ideal (elope???)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards