How to inform guests of "no denim" rule?

jm465 · August 2014

I've read a lot of articles on here and most say that it's rude and not proper etiquette to put "no demin" or "cocktail attire" on an invitation. So my question is... how do we inform guests that there is a no denim rule at the venue (country club). Our wedding is going to be fairly formal (not black tie required, but wedding wear!)

Should we put this information on our wedding website? And, how do we word it so that it doesn't seem like we're telling adults what to do? There are only a handful of people who we can think of who would Possibly wear jeans, but we don't just want to single those few people out.

cowgirl8238 · August 2014

I would start with word of mouth to the family gosspis. Just be sure to make it known it is a venue restriction and not just a preference.

For the website I would put a link to your venue under a reception tab and then state "The County Club will not admit guests wearing jeans" or whatever better wording you come up with. DON'T put it on the invites as that will seem rude.

missdelilah · August 2014

@cowgirl8238 is right. Word is as it being the Country Club's policy, not yours.

I've read here that people are indicating dress codes for their weddings based on venue, which hopefully people will look at if they're unfamiliar, and style of information. If you want a formalish wedding, send formalish invitations.

Encourage your guests to look up the venue's website and hopefully they'll come across this information for yourself.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

It's fine from an etiquette perspective to list attire restrictions required by the venue - it's not YOU telling guests "look nice" it's the venue having a dress code for everyone.

The Country Club probably has some wording on their website or some type of wording their event coordinators use. I would take that wording and put it on your information insert as "a note from XX Country Club..." or "due to restrictions of XX Country Club...", etc.

jm465 · August 2014

Thank you! I will definitely put a link to the venue and look into wording for our website.

chibiyui · August 2014

Personally, if the venue requires certain attire I think you should include it in the invites as an insert. It is necessary, pertinent information. It's like directions and start times. I'd also include it on the wedding website.

buttercup1958 · August 2014

I agree that you should include it with your invites. I haven't been invited to a lot of weddings so I wouldn't naturally think of checking with the venue on what I should wear.

weddingcactus · August 2014

I'm not an etiquette expert, but I would think listing this venue restriction on denim on your website would be appropriate. I don't recall what wedding etiquette says about something like "cocktail attire" on the invitation, but I know I certainly would not be offended by that (and might appreciate the guidance). I must say however, who wears denim to a wedding?? I've seen this before at a really lovely barn wedding and I was appalled. I love denim as much as the next lady, but for a wedding? Totally inappropriate as a guest.

novella1186 · August 2014

My college roommate had a really beautiful wedding in a ballroom that she put a ton of work into. Everyone knew to dress nice, except for one guy who actually showed up in hiking boots, jeans, white t-shirt, and a bandanna on his head. Not kidding. I was so appalled that I asked someone who he was. The kicker? He was the husband of one of the other BMs!!! So he knew better. I guess he thought he was making some kind of statement or something. Even at a casual wedding, a bandanna on your head? Really?

novella1186 · August 2014

Sorry, I know that little anecdote didn't answer your question, but I just had to share!

jm465 · August 2014

I've seen a few people wearing denim at weddings and I completely agree- not appropriate! I just don't want to be dictating outfits for guests (or seem bridezilla!). Thanks so much for all the advice

allisoneliz · August 2014

A friend of ours showed up at our wedding in cargo shorts and flip flops. I mean, yes, it was an outdoor wedding, but come ON. Obviously we didn't say anything, but you can bet my girlfriends were side-eyeing the crap out of him.

japrincess24 · August 2014

That is soooo disrespectful to do at weddings. When you're at a function, you should dress appropriately to show respect.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

I put it on our website under the guest information. I don't think it's rude. I put that it is casual formal wear. So that means sun dresses, dress pants, blouses, etc. I also put no jeans, "bootie" shorts, wife beaters, etc. I don't want one of our teenage guests showing up in bootie shorts or any other inappropriate attire on any of the guests. We have a family member who works at the venue and took the time to get it for us.

STARMOON44 · September 2014

" casual formal wear" means absolutely nothing. And if you told me not to wear a wife beater or bootie shorts to your wedding I'd be so insulted I wouldn't go.

AddieCake · September 2014

I agree if it's a venue restriction you should put an insert in with the invitations. Not everyone looks at the venue or wedding websites.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

crk9112twp said:
I put it on our website under the guest information. I don't think it's rude. I put that it is casual formal wear. So that means sun dresses, dress pants, blouses, etc. I also put no jeans, "bootie" shorts, wife beaters, etc. I don't want one of our teenage guests showing up in bootie shorts or any other inappropriate attire on any of the guests. We have a family member who works at the venue and took the time to get it for us.

Casual formal wear is an oxymoron and will only confuse your guests. I would laugh at your website (and thus about you) because this wording sounds like you don't usually attend formal events and you have no idea what you're doing.

Viczaesar · September 2014

crk9112twp said:

I put it on our website under the guest information. I don't think it's rude. I put that it is casual formal wear. So that means sun dresses, dress pants, blouses, etc. I also put no jeans, "bootie" shorts, wife beaters, etc. I don't want one of our teenage guests showing up in bootie shorts or any other inappropriate attire on any of the guests. We have a family member who works at the venue and took the time to get it for us.

I'm glad you changed your name, but your attire section on your website is still incredibly rude and inappropriate. You have no right to tell your guests how to dress. None. They are your guests, not props. They choose how to clothe their bodies. You can indicate the level of formality by the style of your invitations, and that's it.

Also, what exactly is your problem with pencil skirts?

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

novella1186 said:

My college roommate had a really beautiful wedding in a ballroom that she put a ton of work into. Everyone knew to dress nice, except for one guy who actually showed up in hiking boots, jeans, white t-shirt, and a bandanna on his head. Not kidding. I was so appalled that I asked someone who he was. The kicker? He was the husband of one of the other BMs!!! So he knew better. I guess he thought he was making some kind of statement or something. Even at a casual wedding, a bandanna on your head? Really?

This happened to us. DH's uncle dressed like this. And walked up and down the aisle while the bridesmaids were processing. Didn't bother anyone one iota. And our wedding was in a Catholic Church.

LDay2014 · September 2014

what the hell is 'casual formal'? That;s like saying 'dress down dress up' it makes no sense.

Unless it's a venue requirement that there be no denim, then there's really nothing you can do. It's pretty rude to dictate to adults how they should dress. They are responsible for their own style and attire and their choices reflect on them - not you...let them dress how they feel comfortable

bellefemme12 · September 2014

I think it's rude to tell someone how to dress, but I think it's also equally rude for guests to come dressed inappropriately to a wedding. Denim is inappropriate as well as very short, skintight dresses that you wear to a club. And honestly, I feel like some people have no idea b/c there are so few formal events that people attend nowadays. I don't see an issue saying that the Country Club has a no denim rule, b/c it will impact whether a guest can join the reception. I also don't think it's rude to write on the invite "Black Tie" or "Cocktail Attire." I get dress code guidelines on invites for other sorts of events, not sure when it became rude to state the dress code for a wedding.

plainjane0415 · September 2014

bellefemme12 said:

I think it's rude to tell someone how to dress, but I think it's also equally rude for guests to come dressed inappropriately to a wedding. Denim is inappropriate as well as very short, skintight dresses that you wear to a club. And honestly, I feel like some people have no idea b/c there are so few formal events that people attend nowadays. I don't see an issue saying that the Country Club has a no denim rule, b/c it will impact whether a guest can join the reception. I also don't think it's rude to write on the invite "Black Tie" or "Cocktail Attire." I get dress code guidelines on invites for other sorts of events, not sure when it became rude to state the dress code for a wedding.

I agree with this, mostly the part about it being rude for guests to dress inappropriately at a wedding. I wouldn't worry too much with it, if the country club has a rule against no denim, then most people should understand that it's their rule, not yours, and will come dressed appropriately. If some people come dressed inappropriately, then that's on them, and not you. You did all you could do to inform them of the dress code.

RaquelA1223 · September 2014

See I don't think it to be rude at all. I see it as just plain common sense. Who would wear denim/jeans to a wedding anyway?

I've thought about putting something of that nature in my own invitations, however not sounding so blunt about it.

It all really depends if you're group of family/relatives/social circle have been known to do this.

It's YOUR wedding and you have every right to put on the type of event that you wish.

positivek · September 2014

I always wondered about this rule that it's rude to give attire guidelines. If it's rude to do that, by that logic, couldn't one say it was rude to choose a venue that imposes those same guidelines? By choosing that place to begin with, are you indirectly dictating their attire (when a place could have been chosen that doesn't have that mandate)? It's theoretically possible to choose a place partially based on their attire restrictions, in order to ensure appropriate dress. Sure, the mandate isn't coming directly out of the couple's mouths, but if it exists in the first place due to their choice...just a thought, as I get the sense that some people find stated dress codes offensive, and I can't say whether they'd be any less annoyed at a venue because 1) if a person just plain doesn't like to be told what to wear when taking the time/money to attend an event, would it really matter to them who's dictating the code? and 2) in the end, who picked the place to begin with?

For myself, guidelines would be welcomed after some mishaps- due to the fact that the formality of invitations has never helped at all. I've never once received an informal invitation (say, the kinds with the big block lettering and cute wording, etc. that I've seen samples of), but I've attended some rather informal weddings. All of the invites I've gotten have been the same in terms of being pretty formal- the spelled out time, the expensive paper, etc.- yet from there, I've seen everything from the suspenders and bow tie/sundresses deal, to gowns/tuxes...with that same level of invite formality. Since in the past that meant some awkwardness, I usually always end up asking the couple anyway to give an idea of the level of formality, if I don't know their crowd. It's too bad it's not allowed to just tell guests from the get-go, for the sake of efficiency; couples get enough questions as it is.

JennyColada · September 2014

RaquelA1223 said:

See I don't think it to be rude at all. I see it as just plain common sense. Who would wear denim/jeans to a wedding anyway?

If it's "common sense" then why do you need to write it at all? Basically you're saying that your guests lack common sense and are stupid, which is still pretty insulting.

Viczaesar · September 2014

RaquelA1223 said:

See I don't think it to be rude at all. I see it as just plain common sense. Who would wear denim/jeans to a wedding anyway?
I've thought about putting something of that nature in my own invitations, however not sounding so blunt about it.
It all really depends if you're group of family/relatives/social circle have been known to do this.

It's YOUR wedding and you have every right to put on the type of event that you wish.

Why would anyone want to exercise their right to be rude to their guests?

esstee33 · September 2014

RaquelA1223 said:

See I don't think it to be rude at all. I see it as just plain common sense. Who would wear denim/jeans to a wedding anyway?
I've thought about putting something of that nature in my own invitations, however not sounding so blunt about it.
It all really depends if you're group of family/relatives/social circle have been known to do this.

It's YOUR wedding and you have every right to put on the type of event that you wish.

Some people maybe haven't been to a ton of weddings, or maybe they don't own dressier clothes and maybe can't afford to get them, either. For my first wedding, I had a very nice hotel reception with very fancy invites and a plated dinner and all that, and I had several people show up in jeans and a button-down. Nobody gave any shits, including me. Would I have preferred prior to my wedding day that people not be wearing jeans? Yeah, obviously. But once it was actually happening, it was like "Oh, why did I care about this at all?"

Don't be rude and tell your guests how to dress. Whether it's "YOUR wedding" or not, your guests' comfort should matter to you.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

bellefemme12 said:

I think it's rude to tell someone how to dress, but I think it's also equally rude for guests to come dressed inappropriately to a wedding. Denim is inappropriate as well as very short, skintight dresses that you wear to a club. And honestly, I feel like some people have no idea b/c there are so few formal events that people attend nowadays. I don't see an issue saying that the Country Club has a no denim rule, b/c it will impact whether a guest can join the reception. I also don't think it's rude to write on the invite "Black Tie" or "Cocktail Attire." I get dress code guidelines on invites for other sorts of events, not sure when it became rude to state the dress code for a wedding.

It's not against etiquette to inform guests of venue policies that are out of your control, like 'jacket required' and 'no denim'.

It IS against etiquette to insert your own made up dress code rules.

Whenever I read "Cocktail Attire" or similar on an invitation or website, it translates to "WE THINK YOU ARE TOO STUPID TO WEAR NICE CLOTHES TO A WEDDING SO WE ARE TELLING YOU THAT YOU NEED TO WEAR NICE CLOTHES" and I'm insulted. The target audience (people who look sloppy for weddings) probably won't pay attention to it anyway. So the goal doesn't get accomplished and the people who DO pay attention are insulted. Yay!

Also, using "Black tie" (no capital 'T' in tie) is only for actual black tie events where it's not already obvious that it's black tie. There are VERY few events these days that are actually black tie. The event doesn't start before 6pm (tux time) and the B&G provide: valet, white gloved service, a very upscale venue, coat service, passed apps, a 5-7 course plated meal, live multi-piece band, top shelf open bar, etc. Many celebs don't even have true black tie weddings. It's really inappropriate to use "Black tie" just to ask people to dress up when the event isn't actually black tie.

climbingsingle · September 2014

If your venue has certain dress code requirements, you should absolutely pass that information on to your guests, either with the invite or on your website. Otherwise, you should NOT be dictating attire to your guests. That's tacky! I really don't understand brides who do this. "Casual formal wear" literally means nothing.

A guy showed up in jeans and a t-shirt to my cousin's wedding. He definitely stuck out. We were all dressed very nicely. But guess what? It didn't ruin the wedding! I know, it's unbelievable. My cousin still had an amazing wedding and not one person judged her becuase some random dude didn't know how to dress himself.

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