VENT Step parent posts- a little worried!

Re: VENT Step parent posts- a little worried!

• CrazyCatLady3 member

  

  September 2014

  I think it's really individual to each family.  I know some people who get along great with their step-parents.  It's much more likely that the people that don't will post, because they are having drama/angst about it.  If they had no issue with their step parent they wouldn't need to post.

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  Oh gosh, I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about!  All of us here know how awesome you are and I'm sure you are a fantastic SM.  Just knowing that you aren't mom and happily taking whatever involvement your SD is comfortable with is great.

  
  

  FWIW, I love my SM.  I don't talk about any of my parents much, but I fully credit my SM with making my dad work through his anger and drug issues and turning him into an active dad and a person I actually like being around now.  He's like a completely different person-- she just brought out the best in him.  I was 13 when she came into the picture so she never felt like my mom, but I'm so happy she's in my life.

  
  

  [ETA: I counted and my SM is older than I thought, lol.  She's young at heart!  But still younger than my parents.]

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  September 2014

  Don't let the posts on these boards scare you! Like @CrazyCatLady3 said each family is different. Even if you don't have a great relationship that doesn't mean she doesn't at the very least respect the role you play in her father's life. Especially, since you sound so low-key about the wedding and have low-expectations I doubt you need to worry

  
  

  
  

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• chibiyui member

  

  September 2014

  Shit, my step-dad walked me down the aisle. 
  
  I agree with crazycatlady, a lot of it is individual to the family. No, you probably won't be included in a lot of things because you came into her life so late and as you said it's not the best relationship. But unless step daughter is a total bitch, I don't think you have to worry about being completely slighted either. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

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• esstee33 member

  

  September 2014

  I wouldn't worry about it. You're not forcing your help or friendship upon her and not trying to act like her mother, so I'm sure that helps. Plus, she's not getting married for a while, right? Maybe your relationship will develop more and you'll get closer. Who knows! 

  
  

  @CrazyCatLady3 has some really good points, too. Why post about drama with your stepmother when you're not having drama with your stepmother? 

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  Thanks for the reassurance!
  
  I have a SM as well and she and I don't have the best relationship. She is the reason my dad left my mom, so that doesn't help. But, I try to be accepting and cordial and that is all I ask for my situation.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• KytchynWitche member

  

  September 2014

  I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about, Jells.
  
  I have a SM too, and yes I did post venty/angsty/drama things about her, but that's because she is absolutely freaking BSC and after more than half a decade of giving her every opportunity to prove that she wasn't BSC after all, I gave up.
  
  She came into our lives, knowing full well that my parents were still making some sort of effort to stay together, and knowing that they were dealing with three "children" (I was an adult already, but still living at home because of my treatment), all of whom had serious problems. She just plowed right ahead because she saw something she wanted and took it. I'm not putting the blame solely on her, because obviously my dad had a part in it too, but my dad was actually still trying to somehow make things work. She could have waited. I guarantee that my parents would have fallen apart on their own within the year, but she wants, she takes, consequences be damned.
  
  For 7 of the last 8 years, she has meddled and judged and prodded and poked about in my life. She has constantly played her daughters off against my sis and me, and my sis and me against each other. She met my sister and me as adults, and yet she felt the need to baby us and try to become our mother.
  
  She has decided when we were and were not allowed to see my dad. She does not understand the meaning of the word "moderation", she drinks to excess on a daily basis and yes, she then gets in her car and drives her daughters around. She throws elaborate parties for the girls, and then throws the cost of it all back in their faces when they misbehave. And they misbehave constantly because they are desperate for SM's attention and her example to them is "take what you want, when you want it, and fuck it, the rules don't apply to you because you're special".
  
  And she has such a hold over my dad that, when my sister and I spoke to him about her drinking after a particularly nasty incident at a family get together, he chose her over us - despite neither of us saying or implying that a choice needed to be made.
  
  Sorry for the hijack. The point I'm trying to make is that you treat your DH's daughter like exactly what she is - an adult. You don't meddle. You don't judge. You don't try to mother. And you have common sense, decency, and compassion.
  
  I seriously doubt that there's any reason for your SD to feel about you the way I do about BSCSM. I would be thrilled to have you as my SM.
  

  

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• larrygaga member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  If it helps you any to feel better, my 4 older siblings are half siblings to me. My mom was married to a real asshole, divorced and brought her kids over to my dad and then they had me. They were raised and treated like they were real daughters of my dad. They were old enough at the time to not call him dad (that would be weird) and they didn't really need to be adopted by my dad, but now the grandkids call him grandpa and he is very involved in their lives. Personally, my half siblings are my full siblings and we are very very close. They still see their dad but he is still an asshole, and it's mostly out of obligation that they visit once in awhile. 

  
  

  Step parents do work out sometimes. Not often, but it happens! If you are pretty much just now in her life, she probably hasn't warmed up to you yet.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• ShellD13 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  I agree with a lot of the PPs.....  People with Sfamily issues are the first to post because well they are the ones struggling...
  
  I'm a new stepmom.  I've been in their lives for a little over three years now but a lot of research shows that it typically takes around 7 years for a stepfamily to find their groove.  We have our good days and our bad days but I'll never try to take their mom's spot in their lives.  They have a mom.
  
  It sounds like you are doing everything you can to be respectful of her place in her dad's life and respectful of her mom's role as well.  Kudos!  I will say though that weddings can be especially tough because emotions run so high.  Research loyalty binds and just be aware that if it does get angsty it may just be your SD trying to walk a very fine line between what she would like to do and what may upset mom or dad.
  
  Edit: Spelling
  

  

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• RebeccaFlower member

  

  September 2014

  I don't know if this is maybe overreaching, but you do think you could send her a heartfelt note and maybe a GC for a massage because planning is 'stressful'? That way it's clear to her that you're happy for her. But I'm also a big fan of the above and beyond gesture.

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• JaxInBlue member

  

  September 2014

  I think you're doing the best a step-parent can, especially as you are entering step-parenting an adult.  I know that I have different step-parent dynamics with my mom's H, who came into my life when I was 10, and my dad's H, who started dating my dad when I was 21.  (Even there - linguistic difference.) 
  
  It's truly hard for me to think of my dad's H as my step-parent.  I was moving away from home as he was moving in, and he was never in a parental oversight role - never checked homework, nagged about chores, had to endure terrible early music lessons.  Nevertheless, I treated him as a parent when I married.  It was the kindest thing I could do for him and for my dad and while I don't expect us to ever be super close, he's a good friend and a great person for my dad.
  
  I think you are handling things the best way - be unobtrusive but supportive, present but with limited expectations for your personal role.  It sounds like everything will turn out for the best.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  Thanks everyone!
  
  When DH and I met, she was 14. So, yes, it was kind of already a "lost cause" to form a strong relationship. She was troubled in her teens and had bad relationships with both her mom and her dad. She also used me an excuse to her mom, knowing her mom didn't care for me (I did not break up their marriage, but she didn't like that DH moved on first.) Her relationship with her mom has improved dramatically, but it's still a little strained with her dad.
  
  When she did get engaged, we had them over for dinner and I offered to help in any way I could if she needed or wanted it. I have not brought it up since because I don't think they've started really planning yet and i've obviously been of no help to myself, let alone anyone else.
  
  I guess I'm just sensitive because i've seen some harsh posts on here (not this board, btw) and hope that my SDs don't think of me poorly behind our backs. I guess that is something DH will have to handle if it becomes an issue.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• smalfrie19 member

  

  September 2014

  If it makes you feel better. I would really LOVE to have my step dad at my wedding, but because him and my mom just got a divorce, I have heard he isn't sure about coming and that breaks my heart. I really want him there. 

  

  
  

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• goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member

  

  September 2014

  Thinking of some posts these last few days, you should get a corsage!

  
  

  All joking aside, I think you have nothing to worry about.  You offered assistance and it's up to her if she takes you up on the offer or not.  You sound very supportive and I'm sorry that relationship is strained.  She's young, so maybe in time you can still form a bond  

  

  
  

  
  

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