Engagement Party

loveislouder · September 2014

My sisters and friends are throwing us an engagement party (yay!) but we're having an issue with the guest list.

I asked them only to invite people who are invited to the wedding, but they insist that the engagement party is for people not invited to the wedding so that they're included too.

The girls are providing dinner (lasagna, salad, garlic toast), and are asking people to bring what they want to drink, and if they offer to bring something then asking them to bring a dessert or app to share.

What do you all think of this? I'm a little torn because I think this whole thing is a bit of an etiquette issue, but I don't want to seem bossy about a party that I'm not hosting.

Happy Friday!

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

loveislouder said:

My sisters and friends are throwing us an engagement party (yay!) but we're having an issue with the guest list.

I asked them only to invite people who are invited to the wedding, but they insist that the engagement party is for people not invited to the wedding so that they're included too.

The girls are providing dinner (lasagna, salad, garlic toast), and are asking people to bring what they want to drink, and if they offer to bring something then asking them to bring a dessert or app to share.

What do you all think of this? I'm a little torn because I think this whole thing is a bit of an etiquette issue, but I don't want to seem bossy about a party that I'm not hosting.

Happy Friday!

Happy Friday!

To the first bolded - they are incorrect. Only people who invited to the wedding get invited to wedding related events/parties. They are wrong. Tell them these people cannot come, or you will decline their offer to host this party.

To the second bolded - I would not have this BYOB. Can you offer to provide the booze? If it's not an enormous group, this shouldn't cost a ton of money. Get a few bottles of red, a few bottles or white and a couple cases of beer. You don't need anything else.

To the third bolded - Personally, I would not do this. It costs less than $10 to bake several pans of brownies and less than $10 to buy a couple bags of chips and salsa/dip. On the flip side, this is not a hill I would die on since people are technically offering.

Teddy917 · September 2014

Decline the party.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Gaahhhhh inviting people not invited to the wedding, AND BYOB/ sort of potluck?

Decline. "Thank you so much for your generous offer to host a party for us! I just don't feel comfortable inviting people who will not be invited to the wedding, nor do I think it's appropriate to ask people to bring food and drinks. I just wouldn't be comfortable at a party like this."

climbingsingle · September 2014

Decline.

loveislouder · September 2014

I have been around this site long enough that I should know I can decline a party. Wow, I'm smart today.

MGP · September 2014

Decline the party. People are absolutely correct, only guests invites to the wedding can be invited to pre wedding events.

Your hosts are putting you in an awkward position that YOU will ultimately be judged for. If I attended your engagement party and was then not invited to the wedding I would be extremely offended, as it would appear that I am "good enough" for someone else to host but not "good enough" to be hosted by the couple. And an excuse like "well we weren't in control of the guest list for the engagement party" would be a relationship ending move.

Additionally if you decide to move forward with this party with only wedding invited guests it should NOT be BYOB. Your hosts need to host what they can afford. Hopefully cutting the guest list will free up some money in the budget to better treat the guests.

MGP · September 2014

martha1818 said:

MGP said:

Decline the party. People are absolutely correct, only guests invites to the wedding can be invited to pre wedding events.

Your hosts are putting you in an awkward position that YOU will ultimately be judged for. If I attended your engagement party and was then not invited to the wedding I would be extremely offended, as it would appear that I am "good enough" for someone else to host but not "good enough" to be hosted by the couple. And an excuse like "well we weren't in control of the guest list for the engagement party" would be a relationship ending move.

Additionally if you decide to move forward with this party with only wedding invited guests it should NOT be BYOB. Your hosts need to host what they can afford. Hopefully cutting the guest list will free up some money in the budget to better treat the guests.

All of this. If I had to bring my own food and drinks to your engagement party, and was invited to the wedding (because apparently there's a chance I wouldn't be), I probably wouldn't bother attending the wedding- I'd think there was a chance I'd have to get my own food and drink there too. No thanks, I can do that at home!

Yes, all of this. Martha I like your style!

The ultimate insult to injury would be to BYO food and drink to the engagement party, and then not be invited to the wedding. Which is a VERY likely possibility in the OP's scenario. And in the long run it is the couple who is judged and whose relationships suffer. People forget and don't care who the hosts were.

loveislouder · September 2014

Small update: I sent the girls a list of who was invited to the wedding, and told them to invite whomever they wanted off the list. ETA: And we're getting together tonight to talk about what I do and do not feel comfortable with.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

loveislouder said:

Small update: I sent the girls a list of who was invited to the wedding, and told them to invite whomever they wanted off the list.

Good! But this doesn't solve your BYOB/people bringing food problem.

If you're going to decline the party, you need to do it sooner than later. I'd be upset if I planned most of a party to then have the guest of honor tell me "oh nevermind. I don't like what you're doing so no party". (because I'd be willing to get they don't know it's bad etiquette to ask people to BYOB or bring food).

loveislouder · September 2014

@shessocold You're right. But if we sit down and have a chat together and talk about how I'm willing to pay for the booze and buy the desserts and stuff, that eliminates the rest of the problems.

ETA: You'd be surprised how many people don't know what they're doing is TERRIBLE etiquette. It drives me nuts. Most of it should be common sense - like cash bars. NO. Would you host a dinner party and sell drinks? Probably not.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

loveislouder said:

@shessocold You're right. But if we sit down and have a chat together and talk about how I'm willing to pay for the booze and buy the desserts and stuff, that eliminates the rest of the problems.

Awesome. I'm for it.

MGP · September 2014

loveislouder said:

@shessocold You're right. But if we sit down and have a chat together and talk about how I'm willing to pay for the booze and buy the desserts and stuff, that eliminates the rest of the problems.

ETA: You'd be surprised how many people don't know what they're doing is TERRIBLE etiquette. It drives me nuts. Most of it should be common sense - like cash bars. NO. Would you host a dinner party and sell drinks? Probably not.

Just throwing in my two cents - don't offer to pay for the alcohol and dessert. Yes, this would help eliminate some of the mistakes on their part, but it's encroaching into self hosting territory and an unnecessary expense on your part. If your hosts balk at financing and fully hosting all guests then decline the whole thing - and do it fast.

Good for you for speaking up about the guest list! Let us know how that conversation goes.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

loveislouder · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't see how you buying the booze to prevent your sister from doing something rude that *may* reflect poorly on you is tacky.

Again, no one is going to know who bought the booze for the party. They will likely assume that the host- your sister- did. And even if someone thinks you bought the booze or finds out you did, so what? You buying booze does not equal you hosting your own e-party. That's a pretty far stretch and it's just silly.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't see how you buying the booze to prevent your sister from doing something rude that *may* reflect poorly on you is tacky.

Again, no one is going to know who bought the booze for the party. They will likely assume that the host- your sister- did. And even if someone thinks you bought the booze or finds out you did, so what? You buying booze does not equal you hosting your own e-party. That's a pretty far stretch and it's just silly.

Agreed. No one will know and if they do (somehow), I think it's better for you to buy it than for the guests to be asked to bring their own.

MGP · September 2014

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate. Additionally alcohol is a non necessity. You certainly can have a shower without it.

2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.

3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it. If I ever attended a shower and found out the guest of honor funded any part of it, I would think "wow, that was a really terrible thing for the hosts to allow".

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.

Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

MGP · September 2014

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.
Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

True, we don't know all of the details.

All I am saying is that if I wasn't OK with the host's terms (i.e. BYOB) I would decline rather than pick up the slack myself.

ETA - buying the alcohol is definitely a BETTER option than having guests pay for it by all means, it just still doesn't sit well with me.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

MGP said:

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.
Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

True, we don't know all of the details.

All I am saying is that if I wasn't OK with the host's terms (i.e. BYOB) I would decline rather than pick up the slack myself.

ETA - buying the alcohol is definitely a BETTER option than having guests pay for it by all means, it just still doesn't sit well with me.

I agree with you. And I hope that you don't think I'm trying to argue with you or pick apart your POV. I was really just giving the OP my POV. Really, if we boil it down, you're correct.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.
Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

This is how I feel. Buying booze myself isn't a hill I'd die on or a reason I'd decline the offer of a party. . . unless there was another reason I didn't want to accept the party.

I'd decline outright though if the hosts insisted on inviting ppl I was not going to invite to the wedding. That to me is far more serious and rude than worrying about whether or not people are going to think I'm hosting the party for myself.

And in my circle, e parties are not gift giving events, they are truly just glorified dinner parties, so I wouldn't really give a rat's ass if anyone thought I was hosting my own e party anyways. Self hosting bridal showers is a no no, though!

MGP · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.
Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

This is how I feel. Buying booze myself isn't a hill I'd die on or a reason I'd decline the offer of a party. . . unless there was another reason I didn't want to accept the party.

I'd decline outright though if the hosts insisted on inviting ppl I was not going to invite to the wedding. That to me is far more serious and rude than worrying about whether or not people are going to think I'm hosting the party for myself.

And in my circle, e parties are not gift giving events, they are truly just glorified dinner parties, so I wouldn't really give a rat's ass if anyone thought I was hosting my own e party anyways. Self hosting bridal showers is a no no, though!

OMG reading comprehension fail even though the title of this was "Engagement Party". My mind was stuck that this was a shower!

So I amend my responses slightly, as yes E parties typically are not gift giving events:

Non wedding invited guests - no, no, a thousand times no, a hill to die on.

BOYB - hell no.

BYO desserts - eh, not my style but OK if someone offers.

Guests of honor paying for drinks - still not great but much better than BYOB. Still bleeds into self hosting somewhat, as we preach E parties cannot be self hosted and financing is part of that in my eyes. Even if no one knows who paid for what.

Bottom line is though I believe a host should be prepared to fully host regardless of milestone or formality. I would just never, ever put someone in that position.

loveislouder · September 2014

Thanks everyone! I think I've decided that I'll buy the booze if my girls are going to ask people to bring it. I'm okay with people offering to bring a dessert, but not being asked to. Thanks for weighing in guys!

MGP · September 2014

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

ShesSoCold said:

MGP said:

loveislouder said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Definitely don't allow anyone who isn't going to be invited to the wedding be invited to the engagement party. This is the hill to die on and the place to decline the party.

Definitely tell your sisters that asking guests to BYOB is rude, and that she and her friends have to supply the alcohol. If they refuse or can't, then I see nothing wrong with you and your FI supplying the alcohol. None of the guests will know where the drinks came from, and therefore they can't think "OMG she's hosting her own e-party bc she bough the booze!"

There is also nothing wrong with your sister asking guests who offer to bring something to bring a dessert. This is a glorified dinner party, not the wedding reception itself. This is standard in my circle. We were all raised that you never go to a party empty handed- so we always bring a bottle of wine and some sort of food. If you show up empty handed, then you are viewed as rude.

This is what I originally thought. It's normal in my circle to bring something as well.

As for the me buying the booze, who else thinks this is tacky? I'll wait to have the conversation with my sister til I have a little more input.

I don't think you buying the alcohol is appropriate because:

1) you shouldn't have to. You are not the host. And I am sure you have a mountain of other wedding expenses on your plate.
2) doing so is basically having you "cover" for your host's mistakes. It takes away the teachable moment, so to speak.
3) personally I think a host accepting money from their guest of honor to help fund their party is a shitty thing to do.

To me it doesn't matter who knows or doesn't know who funded the booze. It's the principle behind it.

I know what I am saying may be an unpopular opinion and that's fine. I would just never put someone in that position, or would be extremely upset if someone put me in that position.

I agree with all of these things. But if the hosts are insistent that they cannot/will not provide drinks and desserts, I personally, would rather buy them myself that decline the party.
Not knowing OP or her friends and based on what we know, I would venture to guess that they have no idea that what they are planning is rude.

If I were hosting a party, I would rather have the guest of honor say, "I'm uncomfortable with guests bringing their own drinks - do you mind if I drop off a case of wine and a few cases of beer?" than "You need to provide drinks" or decline the party.

True, we don't know all of the details.

All I am saying is that if I wasn't OK with the host's terms (i.e. BYOB) I would decline rather than pick up the slack myself.

ETA - buying the alcohol is definitely a BETTER option than having guests pay for it by all means, it just still doesn't sit well with me.

I agree with you. And I hope that you don't think I'm trying to argue with you or pick apart your POV. I was really just giving the OP my POV. Really, if we boil it down, you're correct.

It's totally OK! I was just trying to show the burden it can put on the guest of honor.

Because what the host is saying is pretty much:

"Guest of Honor I really want to host a party for you! But there are certain components I can't afford/don't want to pay for. So here are your options:

a) do without it - and cross your fingers it's a non necessity (favors, flowers, etc.)

b) impose the cost on your guests (aka BYOB, cash bars, potluck, paying for your own meal, etc)

c) force the cost back on the hosts and have them spend money they don't want to spend/don't have to spend

d) save face for all of us and pay for it yourself

e) scrap the whole thing"

Like I said before, this is a really shitty position to put someone in. And if you are hosting a party for someone it's presumably someone you care about.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

a bit of a threadjack .....when is it proper to have an engagement party? as soon as the couple gets engaged? or closer to the wedding, (what if they don't plan on a wedding for 1.5 years?)

It should be within 3 months of the engagement.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

butterscotchjbeans said:

a bit of a threadjack .....when is it proper to have an engagement party? as soon as the couple gets engaged? or closer to the wedding, (what if they don't plan on a wedding for 1.5 years?)

It should be within 3 months of the engagement.

Our e-party was, like... 9 months after the engagement? In retrospect it was too long. But with Hurricane Sandy just a month after we became engaged, by the time we got our lives sorted out it was spring already. FPILs really wanted to have the party, and in a way it was a celebration that we got through that time in our lives. I tend to think of the e-party as like a second start on our engagement-- we were over the displacement of the hurricane, and that's when I actually started planning. We hadn't even chosen bridal party members or a venue at that point.

So with that said, I would not side-eye an e-party later than three months, especially if it's a long engagement and it's still a year+ from the wedding.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

thank you @southernbelle and @jcbride2015

There are so many things to learn!!!

And one easy tip. If you feel like you've been engaged too long to feel comfortable with an e-party, or if you'd like to throw a shindig yourself, you can always just have a party and not call it an "engagement party." You get around any awkwardness of self-hosting or being too far away from the actual proposal, and you can still have a good time with everybody. And bonus, nobody feels pressure to give gifts because it's not wedding-related.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

butterscotchjbeans said:

I found this site very interesting and informative! For future lurkers that are in complete (?) like me here you go

http://www.a-to-z-of-manners-and-etiquette.com/engagement-party-etiquette.html

GAAAHHHH NO! "Engagement Party Etiquette requires the bride's family to host the first social gathering to share the good news with family members and close friends." Already this is terrible.

ETA: the most helpful etiquette guide is Miss Manners Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding. I bought mine used on Amazon for like $4 and it was so worth it.

Jen4948 · September 2014

So how did your talk go with your friends? If they don't budge on inviting non-wedding guests or expecting guests to bring their own provisions, I'd decline the party. It's extremely rude to do either one, and it's especially rude to do both.

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