If you specify no gifts, can you invite ppl to the bridal shower/bachelorette but not the wedding?

Re: If you specify no gifts, can you invite ppl to the bridal shower/bachelorette but not the wedding?

• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  No, it's very rude to invite people to a pre- wedding event of any kind if they are not invited to the wedding.
  
  It's also rude to state anywhere that no gifts are expected.
  A bridal shower is specifically a gift giving event, so if there are no gifts to be given, then there is zero point for a shower. You can throw a bridal tea, but again, only people invited to the wedding can be invited to a bridal event.
  
  You can, however, plan a girl's night out. Have dinner, drinks, go to a show, etc. Just do not in any way tie it to the wedding and don't have typical "bachelorette party" things.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• ecstaticmoh member

  

  September 2014

  Thanks for responding! One question though, I'd never heard that specifying no gifts is rude. Could you explain why? 

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  Traditional etiquette says that telling people to not bring gifts is rude because it implies that gifts were expected in the first place. It also implies on how the guests should or should not spend their money. One should never expect gifts, unless it is for a specific gift giving event (bridal shower, baby shower.)

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• ecstaticmoh member

  

  September 2014

  Thanks for the insight! I appreciate the help. I wish she was having a bigger wedding, I was so excited to plan the shower Oh, well, it's really not about me now is it? 

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  I know it's hard to plan something fun for a small group of people, but if you can swing a girl's night out, that will be a great way for people to spend time together prior to the big day!

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• bridesontherun member

  

  September 2014

  I am having a destination wedding and specifically had to go about the uncomfortable business of telling close friends that I consider family they were not invited.
  
  Disclaimer: I am going completely against etiquette and no one on these boards will offer that suggestion.
  
  I am having a Bridal Shower Bonfire before my wedding with all my friends and family at home thrown by our Maids of Honor. We will be expressly put on the invitation "No Gifts, Please". We are not registering anywhere. We will be inviting (almost all) people that will not be invited to the wedding, and all the people we have verbally reached out to with this idea have responded with sheer happiness. Some will still insist on gifts, and we will discreetly hide them away with a prompt thank you note to follow.
  
  But my friends and family don't give two shakes about etiquette. As we are a Lesbian couple we are not even allowed to marry in our home state, so most etiquette doesn't really apply to us anyway. Most people in our state that are gay MUST go out of state to get legally married, so many are very used to the struggle of not even having a wedding or guests. We have been together 12 years in a couple of months. I think my friends and family have reacted so positively because they understand the inequality and are just happy to get to celebrate with us.
  
  Back to etiquette - when I sought out advice on this forum, the helpful suggestion was to throw a celebration party upon our return, then they say you can invite people that were not invited to the wedding. (We're moving, so that won't work for us [and I don't care about etiquette...] but perhaps it would be helpful for you.)
  
  Best of luck in whatever you end up deciding!

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  bridesontherun said:

  I am having a destination wedding and specifically had to go about the uncomfortable business of telling close friends that I consider family they were not invited.
  
  Disclaimer: I am going completely against etiquette and no one on these boards will offer that suggestion.
  
  I am having a Bridal Shower Bonfire before my wedding with all my friends and family at home thrown by our Maids of Honor. We will be expressly put on the invitation "No Gifts, Please". We are not registering anywhere. We will be inviting (almost all) people that will not be invited to the wedding, and all the people we have verbally reached out to with this idea have responded with sheer happiness. Some will still insist on gifts, and we will discreetly hide them away with a prompt thank you note to follow.
  
  But my friends and family don't give two shakes about etiquette. As we are a Lesbian couple we are not even allowed to marry in our home state, so most etiquette doesn't really apply to us anyway. Most people in our state that are gay MUST go out of state to get legally married, so many are very used to the struggle of not even having a wedding or guests. We have been together 12 years in a couple of months. I think my friends and family have reacted so positively because they understand the inequality and are just happy to get to celebrate with us.
  
  Back to etiquette - when I sought out advice on this forum, the helpful suggestion was to throw a celebration party upon our return, then they say you can invite people that were not invited to the wedding. (We're moving, so that won't work for us [and I don't care about etiquette...] but perhaps it would be helpful for you.)
  
  Best of luck in whatever you end up deciding!

  I read your thread on the Pre-wedding parties forum. You received advice about a celebration after you return. However, You were also given the advice to throw a "Bon voyage Bonfire" prior to leaving for your DW to include those who were not invited to your wedding. That title in no way indcates that it's wedding related or that gifts should be given, as bonfires are not gift giving events. Therefore, it won't be offensive to anyone that may be hurt about your wedding plans. A bridal shower indicates a gift giving event. It just doesn't make sense to have a shower when you don't want gifts. 

  
  

  I agree that it sucks that you cannot legally wed in your home state and that changes what you may have otherwise wanted to plan. However, the ladies on these forums made suggestions about your pre-wedding party and hosting a post wedding party that allowed you to celebrate with others without the potential offending anyone. 

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• bridesontherun member

  

  September 2014

  Jells2dot0 said:

  I read your thread on the Pre-wedding parties forum. You received advice about a celebration after you return. However, You were also given the advice to throw a "Bon voyage Bonfire" prior to leaving for your DW to include those who were not invited to your wedding. That title in no way indcates that it's wedding related or that gifts should be given, as bonfires are not gift giving events. Therefore, it won't be offensive to anyone that may be hurt about your wedding plans. A bridal shower indicates a gift giving event. It just doesn't make sense to have a shower when you don't want gifts. 

  
  

  I agree that it sucks that you cannot legally wed in your home state and that changes what you may have otherwise wanted to plan. However, the ladies on these forums made suggestions about your pre-wedding party and hosting a post wedding party that allowed you to celebrate with others without the potential offending anyone. 

  
  If you have additional comments (no matter how unhelpful or unwelcome) please respond on that thread - don't derail this posters original topic.
  
  Do you have anything on topic and helpful for the original poster?

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014

  bridesontherun said:

  
  

  Jells2dot0 said:

  
  
  I read your thread on the Pre-wedding parties forum. You received advice about a celebration after you return. However, You were also given the advice to throw a "Bon voyage Bonfire" prior to leaving for your DW to include those who were not invited to your wedding. That title in no way indcates that it's wedding related or that gifts should be given, as bonfires are not gift giving events. Therefore, it won't be offensive to anyone that may be hurt about your wedding plans. A bridal shower indicates a gift giving event. It just doesn't make sense to have a shower when you don't want gifts. 

  
  

  I agree that it sucks that you cannot legally wed in your home state and that changes what you may have otherwise wanted to plan. However, the ladies on these forums made suggestions about your pre-wedding party and hosting a post wedding party that allowed you to celebrate with others without the potential offending anyone. 

  
  

  
  
  
  If you have additional comments (no matter how unhelpful or unwelcome) please respond on that thread - don't derail this posters original topic.
  
  
  
  Do you have anything on topic and helpful for the original poster?
  
  You cannot dictate where, how, and when I post. I posted my response to you for the benefit of the OP. She deserves to know there is a similar thread out there that got TONS of responses. You left out key advice you were given about your shower. Why not be honest with the OP and tell her that you received "x" advice but decided to not take it for "y" reason. You would still get your opinion across that you don't agree.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  September 2014

  bridesontherun said:

  Jells2dot0 said:

  I read your thread on the Pre-wedding parties forum. You received advice about a celebration after you return. However, You were also given the advice to throw a "Bon voyage Bonfire" prior to leaving for your DW to include those who were not invited to your wedding. That title in no way indcates that it's wedding related or that gifts should be given, as bonfires are not gift giving events. Therefore, it won't be offensive to anyone that may be hurt about your wedding plans. A bridal shower indicates a gift giving event. It just doesn't make sense to have a shower when you don't want gifts. 

  
  

  I agree that it sucks that you cannot legally wed in your home state and that changes what you may have otherwise wanted to plan. However, the ladies on these forums made suggestions about your pre-wedding party and hosting a post wedding party that allowed you to celebrate with others without the potential offending anyone. 

  
  If you have additional comments (no matter how unhelpful or unwelcome) please respond on that thread - don't derail this posters original topic.
  
  Do you have anything on topic and helpful for the original poster?
  

  
  

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  @Bridesontherun You're the one who initially brought up your old thread.  I remember that thread too, and Jells gave some much-needed clarification on the very relevant advice you received.  All you needed to do (and all OP needs to do) is not call the pre-wedding party a "shower" and bam, no gifts will be expected or given, and nobody will expect a wedding invite because it's not a wedding-related event.  It's the easiest possible solution.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• msuprincess04 member

  

  September 2014

  ecstaticmoh said:

  I'm the MOH for my BFF and she's having a very small ceremony and only inviting a few friends, and the rest will be family. I want to plan her a bridal shower, but there just wouldn't be enough people to go if only wedding guests were invited (none of the women in her family are in the area, so they won't be there either) If she specifically asks for no gifts is this okay or still tacky? Really, she wants to be able to celebrate getting married with the those friends even though her budget/venue is small. Are the rules different for a bachelorette? Help! 

  
  I had a small DW as well, but I still had a smal shower. It consisted of most of my bridesmaids (the local ones anyway), and a few coworkers. About 8 in total. We had mimosas, chatted, played games, and opened the few gifts I was given. My MOH extended invitations to everyone, but knew it would be a small event. It actually ended up being really cool. Three groups of friends, who hadn't spent any time together got to know each other and were more comfortable at the wedding knowing a few more people.

  "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"

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