Am I out of line here?

LDay2014 · September 2014

carolyncobb85 said:

You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent!
One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers.

So, sending the STD doesn't tell them the date that they need to make arrangements for?

Your guests are adults, they are responsible for their own behavior. Let them make their arrangements on their own time, not on your schedule or you will only cause yourself a lot of unnecessary stress.

I'm in central Ontario (not too far from Algonquin Park) and I know all about fall tourists. Still sent my invites out at 10 weeks, with an RSVP of 2 weeks before. I'm not responsible for micro-managing my guests schedules.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

chibiyui said:

You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent!
One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers.
I hate to say this, but maybe b listing is common in your area circle? If I see an early RSVP like that, I assume they have a blast of invites.

FTFY

I live in Massachusetts and b listing is not normal. I have also never received an invitation that had an RSVP date of 8-10 weeks out. That is insane. Most people that I know send them between 2-3 months out, and the RSVP is 3-4 weeks from the wedding.

I had one wedding invitation that had an RSVP date of 6 weeks before, but it was semi- destination so that didn't bother us, we already made plans to go.

lyndausvi · September 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

chibiyui said:

You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent!
One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers.
I hate to say this, but maybe b listing is common in your area circle? If I see an early RSVP like that, I assume they have a blast of invites.

FTFY

I live in Massachusetts and b listing is not normal. I have also never received an invitation that had an RSVP date of 8-10 weeks out. That is insane. Most people that I know send them between 2-3 months out, and the RSVP is 3-4 weeks from the wedding.

I had one wedding invitation that had an RSVP date of 6 weeks before, but it was semi- destination so that didn't bother us, we already made plans to go.

You do know that are around 4 weeks in a month? So 8-10 weeks would be between 2 and 3 months right?

ETA - never mind. I really should not be knotting and watching football. Reading compensation is just not there.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

lyndausvi said: huskypuppy14 said: chibiyui said: You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent! One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers. I hate to say this, but maybe b listing is common in your area circle? If I see an early RSVP like that, I assume they have a blast of invites. FTFY
I live in Massachusetts and b listing is not normal. I have also never received an invitation that had an RSVP date of 8-10 weeks out. That is insane. Most people that I know send them between 2-3 months out, and the RSVP is 3-4 weeks from the wedding.
I had one wedding invitation that had an RSVP date of 6 weeks before, but it was semi- destination so that didn't bother us, we already made plans to go.

You do know that are around 4 weeks in a month? So 8-10 weeks would be between 2 and 3 months right?

STUCK IN THE BOX!
Sorry if I wasn't clear. The invitations are usually sent at 2-3 months (8-12 weeks before the wedding). The RSVP date is usually 3-4 weeks before the wedding. The OP said most of the invitations she has received had the RSVP date at 8-10 weeks before the wedding.

ETA: why no boxes!

lyndausvi · September 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

lyndausvi said:

huskypuppy14 said:

chibiyui said:

You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent!
One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers.
I hate to say this, but maybe b listing is common in your area circle? If I see an early RSVP like that, I assume they have a blast of invites.

FTFY

I live in Massachusetts and b listing is not normal. I have also never received an invitation that had an RSVP date of 8-10 weeks out. That is insane. Most people that I know send them between 2-3 months out, and the RSVP is 3-4 weeks from the wedding.

I had one wedding invitation that had an RSVP date of 6 weeks before, but it was semi- destination so that didn't bother us, we already made plans to go.

You do know that are around 4 weeks in a month? So 8-10 weeks would be between 2 and 3 months right?

STUCK IN THE BOX!

Sorry if I wasn't clear. The invitations are usually sent at 2-3 months (8-12 weeks before the wedding). The RSVP date is usually 3-4 weeks before the wedding. The OP said most of the invitations she has received had the RSVP date at 8-10 weeks before the wedding.

ETA: why no boxes!

I ETA while you were posting.

Football + knotting = reading comprehension FAIL

annieandandy2014 · September 2014

I live in coastal Massachusetts. I sent invitations for my 11/1 wedding on 9/4 with a RSVP date of 10/1. I have never heard of sending invitations 12+ weeks out.

Also, I have a friend who I have never, ever received a thank you card from, but you know what, there is nothing I can do about it, so I just let it go. I will say after years of shower gifts, children's bday gifts etc, I find myself less and less inclined to spend time and money on her and her children. This same friend, although she is a grown woman will come to events giftless and just sign her name to her mother's card (which i suppose isn't technically against etiquette, just annoying). I notice these things, but I try not to let it interfere in my relationships.

I think the only thing you can do is lead by example. .. and remember no one is perfect.

iloveotters2014 · September 2014

carolyncobb85 said:

You all are absolutely right. I understand that there is nothing I can do, and that it does not help things to point out other's faux pas. I have absolutely no intention of bringing this up to anyone's face, as what is the point? I guess I just need a safe space to vent!
One thing I am surprised about, though, is that my RSVP date is considered so early. The weddings I have been to in recent years all sent out their invitations about three months in advance, and asked for a reply by date at least a 8-10 weeks before the wedding. But, as I said earlier, just because others do something doesn't make it right. Maybe this is a regional thing? I am getting married in Massachusetts in October, and believe me, if we hadn't sent out save the dates and invitations on the early side, no one would get hotel reservations because it's high tourist season for foliage watchers.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending invites out before the 6-8 week mark, especially if you have a lot of OOT guests who need to make arrangements.

We personally sent our invites out 2.5 months out (10 weeks) because 70% of our guest list was from multiple other states.

However, I guess I don't understand your reasoning for wanting the RSVP's so soon. Even though I sent my invites out 2.5 months in advance I had my cut off date about 2-3 weeks before the wedding. People make arrangements a lot of times before RSVP'ing. I noticed that we had tons of guests booked in the hotel before I received their RSVP card. Setting the response date to be so early isn't doing your guests any favors in making arrangements. I would say it would actually make it harder for them to be able to attend.

abbyj700 · September 2014

Just a few things, to echo a few PP - You getting someone a gift has no relevance to them getting you a gift. I get it, you bought them something expensive and expected something in return. It would have been nice of them - but it's rude for you to expect a gift. I have a few couples who are attending our wedding who were recently married. Two of them we gave large cash gifts for their weddings- and I"m doubting they'll be able to give us much of anything. Their current finances just aren't there. And I love them, and want them there - no expectations. Your RSVP date is way too soon. Wait, then call. I get your annoyed they won't just call you up and let you know why they are waiting to RSVP - but guess what? Your wedding is your top priority, not everyone else's. They have lives and they aren't spending every waking moment thinking about your wedding like you are.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

carolyncobb85 said:

Just to note, I sent save the dates in March. People have been well aware of the date for quite a while. I discussed the RSVP-by date quite extensively with the woman we ordered the invites from, and she suggested the date we gave. Her reasoning was that people go away over the summer, and then get busy again in the fall. Putting a respond by date of September would be inviting people to forget. The invitations were sent out in June, people had almost three months to respond. I'm sorry, but that is plenty of time.

What?!

That woman is on crack, and so are you for going along with her crazy ass advice!

Sending ppl invitations in June for an end of October wedding gives them plenty of time. . . to forget to RSVP and loose your invitation all together! Be prepared to have to call most of your guest list once the RSVP deadline passes.

My wedding is October 18th and our RSVP date is October 1st because our venue needs the final headcount on October 4th. We sent our invitations out a tad early in mid August because we were moving and because of when the hotel blocks are set to release the rooms to the general public, which is this week, and which we could not negotiate them to change.

jerkyanne · September 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

carolyncobb85 said:

Just to note, I sent save the dates in March. People have been well aware of the date for quite a while. I discussed the RSVP-by date quite extensively with the woman we ordered the invites from, and she suggested the date we gave. Her reasoning was that people go away over the summer, and then get busy again in the fall. Putting a respond by date of September would be inviting people to forget. The invitations were sent out in June, people had almost three months to respond. I'm sorry, but that is plenty of time.

What?!

That woman is on crack, and so are you for going along with her crazy ass advice!

Sending ppl invitations in June for an end of October wedding gives them plenty of time. . . to forget to RSVP and loose your invitation all together! Be prepared to have to call most of your guest list once the RSVP deadline passes.

My wedding is October 18th and our RSVP date is October 1st because our venue needs the final headcount on October 4th. We sent our invitations out a tad early in mid August because we were moving and because of when the hotel blocks are set to release the rooms to the general public, which is this week, and which we could not negotiate them to change.

An aside: Our wedding dates are super close. I'm Oct 4th!

grumbledore · September 2014

indianaalum said:

banana468 said:

Honestly, while gifts aren't too be expected, I think we need to make sure that not giving anything particularly when you're a recent bride with her hand out at showers is behavior to be lauded either.

I think if many people were being honest, they WOULD admit to feeling hurt. If I just spent 200.00 on someone's wedding gift and then they came to my wedding a few weeks later and gave me nothing, I WOULD feel hurt. I'd be a liar if I said it wouldn't hurt my feelings....and I find it hard to believe nobody else on the knot would feel hurt, as well. I call BS on brides who say that wouldn't bother them! LOL

Although I know etiquette says brides can't say a word about not getting a gift from someone, it is considered good etiquette to give a gift as a wedding. Personally speaking, I'd feel like a big tool showing up at someones wedding empty handed. If I care enough to attend their wedding, I should care enough to want to give a gift to the person. JMO

I agree with you. I would 100% never say a word, but I would feel hurt.

JellyBean52513 · September 2014

Alright, let's not go accusing people of drug abuse (although I'm sure OP could benefit from a nice glass of medicinal grape juice or two lol).

I'm the devil's advocate on this one. On one hand, I'm a planner. I have my entire budget mapped out week-by-week for the entire year, since my paycheck is biweekly and my SO's is weekly, so it takes careful planning to make sure the bill due dates line up with our paychecks, etc. Yes, my life WOULD fall apart if either he or myself were suddenly unemployed, as I'm sure you're wondering.

On the other hand, being a full-time worker and a part-time/feels-like-full-time student, my life is so calculated down to the minute that I cannot possibly plan on doing something more than a month out. I need to be closer to that time, to see what's going on with work or school or my budget to know if I can afford, time- and money-wise, to commit to something. I have an event to attend in JANUARY, in a place that I know exactly where it is and I know exactly where to stay and I know exactly how I need to travel there. One would argue that I have "plenty of time," but yet I simply cannot mark that on my calendar right now because I just don't know what can happen between now and the next 4 months to know what I'm doing. I probably won't know for sure until after Thanksgiving.

That being said, I totally feel you on the thank you notes, OP. It blows when you don't receive them, and the only person that get a pass from me on no TY notes are my SO's family who have never given us TY notes for the gifts we get his nieces and nephew for bdays/Christmas, and they only get a pass because 1. they're otherwise the most loving, gracious people on earth so I never feel slighted and 2. they host the best parties in the world, always with an abundance of delicious food and free-flowing beer, wine, and liquor, to the point that I already feel thanked in advance lol

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

JellyBean52513 said:
Alright, let's not go accusing people of drug abuse (although I'm sure OP could benefit from a nice glass of medicinal grape juice or two lol).

It's a figure of speech to denote absurdity.

MandyMost · September 2014

Another Massachusetts (Boston) resident here....our wedding is Nov. 8th. We sent save-the-date's in January, and then the invites on September 13th, about 8 weeks out. Our RSVP deadline is October 11th, 4 weeks out from the wedding. Our hotel blocks "expire" on October 8th and 10th, which give everyone a solid 3 weeks after receiving the invite to book their hotel block. I'm also planning to send an email to the out-of-state invitees around October 1st reminding them that the blocks expire in a week so if they haven't booked yet they really should. If the local or semi-local invitees were planning to book the hotel and didn't get around to it, that's on them.

Booking a hotel room in Boston that weekend is going to be difficult and very, very expensive outside of the block...but that doesn't mean I expect anyone to be making travel arrangements months in advance. I guess some people do that, but our friends are used to traveling frequently for work and for pleasure...maybe some booked a hotel upon receiving the STD in January, but I expect the vast majority will be booking that first week in October!

Am I out of line here?

Re: Am I out of line here?

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