Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Chit Chat
theycallmelinz
member
Updated: Maybe this is all more trouble than it's worth
I didn't want to jack my own thread about photography, because there's good info there for other brides who may be in a similar situation.
This is going to be a long post probably, so in case its TLDR, the short version is me and FI have been fighting an enormous amount since we got engaged, mostly about the wedding.
A few things before I dive off into this:
-I'm already trying to get FI to go to premarital counseling, if not full blown couple's counseling because we need it. Definitely.
-I normally wouldn't post my personal problems on here but I literally don't have anyone else to talk to. Not even close friends, but that's a post for another day.
-Please don't quote me in case I have to delete this (which I'll only do if I feel like someone may recognize me or there's a chance FI will see it)
So we fight a lot. Mostly because I'm trying to save us money in any way possible (examples: let's have a small guest list, or lets have a cake/punch reception at a non-meal time), and somehow that translates to him as me making this MY wedding and I'm trying to cut things out that he wants in order to get what I want. I've reflected on myself a lot during this whole process to make sure I wasn't actually doing that, and I realized at times I was. I wrote a post about it a while back, about how I realized I was being bossy about the wedding and I wasn't going to do that anymore, and to my knowledge I haven't. But we're still fighting. He doesn't want a cake/punch reception because he wants a big party of a reception with booze and food because "that's all the people care about anyway. No one really wants to come to then actual ceremony part." I won't even go into the argument about that, but needless to say I was heartbroken to hear that because the ceremony is ALL I care about. Yeah the rest of the stuff is fun but we're there to GET MARRIED.
The current fight we're having is because, like I mentioned in the photography post, I asked him about maybe not inviting ALL of the people from the club that we have on the current list, because we're not close to all of them, and it's costing $X per person, etc. etc. and FI flies off the handle. According to him, I come at him at least once a week with "some stupid bullshit" that its his fault we're spending so much money on this wedding so he will just cut his entire side of the guest list off that way I can have what I want.
Not what I was saying at all.
I eventually said to him that I didn't realize the club people were so important to him because he's always fussing about having to deal with them, but if I'd known how important they were, I would never have suggested taking them off the guest list. When we originally added them, he said that a lot of the people he was inviting only because they will make the reception more fun, and I feel like the reception will be fun anyway, which is why I thought the people in general weren't that important to him. I've apologized profusely because I never want him to feel like he isn't important or that my wants are more important than his. But once he's mad, there's no apologizing. Money/photographers/guest list aside, we have a problem.
He gets SO mad at me. He's never touched me in anger, but he has broken things when angry in the past. And when he's mad there's nothing I can say to fix it. He always thinks the worst of me, like me asking about a way to save money on the wedding really means I don't want his family or anyone on his side there. Again, I know we need therapy. At this point I don't know if he'd even agree to go.
I'm just heartbroken and I feel like crying because it's not supposed to be like this. The thought has crossed my mind more than a few times about whether I even want to marry him. And that hurts too because I love him and he's amazing, and I know he loves me, but this is SO much trouble and we fight about it every time I bring something up. And it's not just the wedding, we've always had awful fights, just not as frequently until we got engaged. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to end things with him but this is awful.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Support? Advice? You guys just listening is good too. Thanks for letting me talk things through here.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Updated: Maybe this is all more trouble than it's worth
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you think there might be something else that is bothering him on top of the wedding stuff? Maybe you could take a weekend, just the two of you, and go to something fun. Take all wedding talk off of the table for the weekend and see if maybe he will open up to you.
ETA: Here is a chicken hugging a kid because why not?
I think it's time to put the wedding on hold. And I also think you should have brought up counseling a while ago. I think you both need it, together and separate. He needs to work on his anger with someone in his own private sessions, and it probably wouldn't hurt if you were talking to someone without him there as well. Then come together for the joint counseling.
If he won't go, I would seriously reconsider marrying him at all.
I'm the fuck out.
Honestly, it might be best to put wedding planning on hold until you can make arrangements for counseling. Wedding planning is stressful, and taking a little break would give you both some room to breathe. If he won't go to counseling at all, I would seriously reconsider marrying him at all. If he goes to counseling with you and his behavior doesn't change, I would reconsider. Because you're right, you can't live like this. You deserve better.
I'm the fuck out.
It isn't easy but you just walk away. I can tell you from experience- it is terrifying but once you're gone, it will start to feel better. I left a 5 year relationship and it took me 3 weeks to breathe easily but I was relieved. It was finally over and things started feeling better. It gets easier over time.
Don't marry him until you've worked through your problems together in counseling. He's right- it's a lot harder to leave once you're married.
While I was worried about getting everything taken care of, DH was worried about bigger picture stuff, particularly formalizing his role as primary earner in our relationship. He didn't take it out on our wedding planning or on me, but he did bring a lot more stress to work and to his social relationships for a few months, so much that people noticed when the wedding and planning were over and he was back to normal. So I get that weddings can cause people stress and have them act out in unusual ways.
I agree with PPs advice to take a break from the planning. Hard stop - for enough time that you two can get some distance and have some conversations about other aspects of your relationship. It may be that there are other underlying stresses, or it may be that this is pointing out differences in your preferences and priorities that you need to confront and decide if you can resolve. It's clear you have different views on what's most important during a marriage celebration. Does that carry over to other aspects, like holidays and their traditions vs. social occasions? Are you usually the first one to apologize or does he recognize that in his anger he doesn't listen to or accept your motivations for doing something as not anti-X but pro-Y, without X and Y necessarily being related?
I think you are right to consider counseling, and I would even think that you talking with someone alone would be beneficial if your FI won't go with you. It would at least give you some different responses to anger, and some ways to talk with him about the position his reactions put you in. Don't put pressure on yourself to fix it alone though; I think you both need to talk through the different facets of this with someone, even if it means changing your current date or plans.
I'm the fuck out.
I'm the fuck out.