Snarky Brides

"So sorry that you're a total bitch." Help with wording/ truce?

I feel like I've posted about my sister on here about a million times. You guys are probably more sick of hearing about her than my FI is at this point. So I'm sorry, but here goes another one: 
Just a quick re-cap, in early July she went psycho and ruined our engagement party. Screamed and cried and called me all sorts of nasty names and insulted me. FI actually yelled back at her because her insults were so out of control and he couldn't stand to sit there and see me get ripped apart for no reason (I just adore him!) 

She never bothered to apologize or even explain and we haven't spoken since. She was supposed to be my MOH. Now I have no idea if she'll even bother to show up for the wedding. And at this point I'm tempted to just ask her to not be in the wedding party (yeah, I've read all the threads on this topic, I know I know). 

Last night FI suggested that I be the bigger person and break the ice with her. He thinks I should end the feud and talk to her, not for her sake but so that I can move on, because I've literally been having nightmares about this for months. And I know he's right, but the thing is I'm sick of having to be the bigger person. Everyone in the entire family knows her as the mean cold-hearted bitch, and knows me as the quiet kind one. So our whole lives, she'll do or say something horrible to me that really hurts me, and then I basically apologize for it while she just sails on through life being nasty to everyone. 

I don't want to be the one to break the ice because 1) as mentioned I'm sick of always being the bigger person. 2) I seriously have NOTHING nice or constructive to say to her, so it would end up being like "Hey you stupid bitch, you're a bitch." 3) I'm sick of her getting away with acting so mean and nasty and never having consequences and I think if I smooth things over it will be like once again she had no consequences. 4) Just overall, I'm so sick of how shitty she's treated me my whole life. 

At this point you're probably so confused as to why I asked her to be MOH. That's another story. 

I guess my question is, should I just suck it up and start a conversation with her? And if so, how do I word it without totally unleashing all my pent-up anger at her and making it into another huge fight? How would you guys word a thing like that? (I'm thinking e-mail, so she doesn't have the chance to lash out and get psycho like on the phone or in person). Do I even try to explain how bad she made FI and I feel, or do I just say "step down from the wedding party" or do I just call a truce and not mention any of it?  
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Re: "So sorry that you're a total bitch." Help with wording/ truce?

  • If she's going to be a crazy, then you should just let her be a crazy. 

    I wouldn't reach out, but when I'm done with someone I am DONE. 

    You need someone to run interference between you and any potential drama on wedding day, where's mom? 

    Seriously, don't worry about her crap. She's doing it on purpose, wash your hands and move on. 

    (I know it is your sister and it sucks but if she wants to be the jackass that doesn't show up to her sister's wedding then what does that say about her?)
    NYCMercedesPrettyGirlLost
  • My parents were "very disappointed and upset by her behavior" at the engagement party, and pulled her aside to tell her she was way out of line. Since then, they've both reminded her that she was out of line and that she owes FI and I an apology. Have we gotten one? Of course not. 
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  • Honestly, it's hard to help you because for me it's hard to relate to someone who completely hates their sister. If my sister and I were fighting- I would talk to her. I'd sit down and find out what's going on in her life that might be making her the way she is. Problems financially, at work, with her marriage? Is there anything I can do? Does she want to talk? I also wouldn't make it all about our wedding. It would be about my relationship with a family member that I love. I honestly believe that if you are feeling this much about this - you must truly actually love your sister and want to resolve an issue the two you have obviously had for a while. Don't apologize for anything as you've done nothing wrong - but I'd still be loving sister and see where that goes. And as a sister - sheer and total honesty is sometimes a part of it -even if it's not so pretty at the moment.
  • @abbyj700 I totally agree that it would be great to find out what's going on with her and what's at the heart of the matter. Problem is, she never tells anyone the truth about anything. She puts on this persona that she's extremely important and her life is very exciting and perfect and everyone should be so jealous of how awesome she is. She wouldn't even tell my mom what her deal was. My mom has theories that she's jealous that I'm getting married cuz she's not married and she's older than me, that she's secretly miserable but doesn't know how to talk about it, that she's not totally happy with her current boyfriend or her life in general, any or all of the above. But when you try to talk to her about deeper issues, she freaks out and starts screaming and being nasty or just rolls her eyes and throws out an insult like "how dare you think my life is anything but perfect, pathetic minion." Seriously. It's impossible. I tried to talk to her back when she was blowing up. The whole time she was screaming at me I kept asking, "What did I do? Tell me what I did wrong. What's wrong!" I got nothing but more insults.
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  • Sorry, TK ate my paragraphs.
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  • My concern would be that if you engage her any further, she may go MORE crazy and show up to the wedding in a wedding dress and then throw pudding at you or something.

    I like the idea of just sitting back and letting it happen. If she wants to be the MOH, she'll eventually engage or show up in the correct dress. If she doesn't, she won't. She might still go cray cray and throw pudding at your dress, but if you engage it seems like she's more likely to go further off the deep end. Maybe rope in mom or others to keep an eye on her on the day of?

    Side note: I'm a very Type A person, very aggressive and assertive. I want to smack this bitch FOR you. To hear about a family member manipulating the feelings of someone who cares about them, forcing someone else to apologize for their own bad behavior, etc ... it really makes my blood boil. Has ANYONE ever taken a stand to her? Someone really, really should. Maybe that person will lose the sister but ... is that such a bad thing? Blood only takes you so far, after all.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    novella1186
  • MegEn1 nope, no one has ever stood up to her. Ever. Including my parents. I think that's a huge part of the problem. She doesn't understand how to be held accountable for the shitty stuff she says and does. 

    A few years ago she ran off to Europe and racked up over $10,000 in credit card debt that she couldn't pay. Debt collectors were chasing after her like you wouldn't believe. So what did my parents do? They hired a lawyer, they paid for the lawyer, and they had the debt dismissed somehow. Couple years later, my parents bought her another ticket back to Europe cuz she felt like going again. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • I think my FI's point in saying I should start a conversation with her, and why I agreed with him, is because this is eating away at me. The fact that she never apologized just makes it bother me even more. I'd like some type of closure on the matter, without me having to pretend it's ok that she did this. 
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  • It's very possible you aren't going to get closure even if you do reach out. I'm sorry it's eating away at you but I think most will agree that it doesn't sound like you could win with this in any manner.
    *msstaticfancypants*
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    FSIL's sister acted like a fucking doooouuuuuuche the entire time leading up to FSIL and FBIL's wedding. She was jealous, and it was obvious. FSIL is a doormat and continues to be walked all over by her sister and family. She doesn't do shit about it.

    Your sister won't have an opportunity to keep showing her ass if you don't give her one.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    bumbletiger88novella1186PrettyGirlLostesstee33
  • I have a similar relationship with one of my sisters. I didn't even invite her to my wedding and I don't feel bad about it. She doesn't seem to think twice about hurting your feelings so why are you so worried about hers?

    I quit being the "bigger person" a long time ago with her to say the least!
    novella1186esstee33EunoiaPhoenix
  • If you are sick of being the "bigger person", you are not the bigger person.

    You can't make someone apologize. I'm sorry this is eating away at you, but it sounds like you want an outcome that's just not going to happen.

    Honestly, i really think you need to talk to a professional about this. It's not just about your sister. You have some serious issues with your parents & their relationship to her, and their relationship to you. You have a whole family dynamic going on that's some kinda of fucked up, and I don't think you see that you are playing your own role in it.

    Good luck.
    abbyj700chibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
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  • RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
    No, I agree with Rebecca ; that was just snotty.
    ashley8918huskypuppy14
  • RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
    She was referring to @aeryfaery being up on that horse, not you (I'm pretty sure), OP.
    Oh. Ha. Got it. That makes me feel better lol. I started re-reading my original post and thinking "Crap, do I sound like a stuck-up brat?" 
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  • aeryfaery said:
    If you are sick of being the "bigger person", you are not the bigger person.

    You can't make someone apologize. I'm sorry this is eating away at you, but it sounds like you want an outcome that's just not going to happen.

    Honestly, i really think you need to talk to a professional about this. It's not just about your sister. You have some serious issues with your parents & their relationship to her, and their relationship to you. You have a whole family dynamic going on that's some kinda of fucked up, and I don't think you see that you are playing your own role in it.

    Good luck.
    Honestly - I agree with this to a point. Though not stated quite as harshly. Your whole family dynamic seems off. Your parents bail her out, you're not happy with that. Your parents then continue to complain about her but not talk to her about her behavior. They actually rewarded her behavior - twice! You don't want to talk to her about her behavior, but your obviously upset with her about more than just your engagement party.

    Would it really hurt to try to understand your feelings about your sister and your parents? Would it really hurt to be able to break the cycle and be able to articulate to her what you feel, why you feel it and how you're going to move on? Don't you have anything to say to your parents about their role in all of this? I'm sure you love your parents but they have raised and continue to support your sister on being this way.
    novella1186chibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • My parents and I have gone many, many rounds on this topic. I don't think they will ever see things from my perspective. Everyone in my family is quick to point fingers and point out other peoples' flaws and say that everyone needs therapy (except themselves, of course) but I don't think any of them are able to step back and look at their own flaws, which is part of why I try to work really hard on doing that. I know I do shit wrong all the time. 

    I don't think I'll ever be able to get through to any of them or change any of them. I think my only option here is probably to go to some kind of counseling and just learn how to cope better with all our issues. 
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    abbyj700PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomKauris
  • RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
    Oh honey, you mis-read. I'm totally with you and think that aeryfaery's response was bullshit. 
    novella1186
  • RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
    Oh honey, you mis-read. I'm totally with you and think that aeryfaery's response was bullshit. 
    Thanks for the support! :) Sorry I took it totally the wrong way. 
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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    RebeccaFlower kind of uncalled for. I get that me not wanting to apologize or clear the air or whatever in this instance means I am definitely NOT being the bigger person, but that's my point. I'm sick of all of it. I'm sick of being treated like crap, and I'm sick of feeling so bad about it. I don't think that puts me on a "high horse" in any way. 
    Oh honey, you mis-read. I'm totally with you and think that aeryfaery's response was bullshit. 
    Thanks for the support! :) Sorry I took it totally the wrong way. 
    I was like, oh no! @novella1186.  She's on your side!  

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I agree that is is mentally, emotionally and even physically draining to continue being there and putting up with someone who is not equally invested in you.  If this was any one other than a family member, most people would be telling you to end the toxic relationship.  I understand that isn't always possible with family without far reaching repercussions.  

    I think you will be happier if you limit contact and keep things cordial on your end.  Even if she explodes at you at family events, it will be hard for anyone to fault you for remaining calm while she flaunts her crazy pants.  


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    novella1186PrettyGirlLost
  • I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology." To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults. My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me." So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.
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  • Ugh. Damn TK ate my paragraphs!
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