Stay at Home Dad

kns1988 · September 2014

I just read through all of the pages of the "FI & money vent" thread so stay at home parenting is on my mind. I'm also taking a rare sick day and need something to entertain myself with.

I'm 25 and FI is 27, and we'd like to start trying to have kids within a year or two after our wedding... so this is an entirely different situation than the other thread. Our plan is for FI to be a stay at home dad. He currently works seasonally in the outdoor education industry. Basically, he has a really awesome job that allows him to teach kids how to canoe, rock climb, survive in the woods, etc. and he only signs on for seasons at a time (fall, spring, summer). He doesn't make much but it's a job that he loves and I love that he's passionate about it.

I work in IT with a pretty good salary, so it's a no brainer to us that he'll stay home with the kids when we have them. I also wouldn't want to spend all day at home with babies (more power to the person who does want to do that), and we think he'd be really good at it.

Does anyone else have a stay at home dad arrangement? How did it work out for you? Is it a futile effort to make these plans before you even have kids, since so many things could change?

melbenso · September 2014

If DH and I have kids, we will likely do the same thing. I make more money than he does and he can freelance from home as a graphic designer. That doesn't work as well as an attorney.

I have some good friends who are doing the same thing. She's a medical doctor. He has a PhD in a fairly obscure field, so her immediate earning power is much higher than his. Their kids are 6 and 4 now and they are really happy with the arrangement.

ashley8918 · September 2014

I do think that in general, there is no pint in making plans before you get to that point in your life because honestly, you never know if you are cut out for the stay-at home life. I thought I was, but I SO wasn't. That being said, your FI is obviously good with kids, and might actually enjoy it. But, it sounds like he really and truly loves his job. Won't he miss it? Is he willing to give that up?

Just a few weeks ago, we decided that FI was going to be a temporary stay-at-home dad (although, technically, they aren't his kids. Whatever.). He was working a low paying, dead-end job in an industry that he had no interedt in, while trying to go to school. He was not doing well in school while full-time working, and his salary just barely covered daycare. So, it was a no-brainer for us.

Now, he stays home with my daughter, and gets my son on and off the bus. While he is home, he is taking as many online classes as he can, in order to get his degree finished this year. Next year, my daughter will be in full day Kindergarten, so daycare will no longer be an issue, and FI will hopefully have his degree and be looking for a job in his field.

emmyg65 · September 2014

If we made enough money for one person to stay home, it would be my husband.

I generally tell prospective stay-at-home parents to consider not just the lost salary, but the lost future earnings (because of raises and promotions that you'll miss out on) and lost benefits like retirement contributions. But it sounds like those aren't big issues for you since you're fiance has a non-traditional job.

I don't think it's futile to start thinking about these things. Just stay flexible and open to different options.

ShesSoCold · September 2014

My friend is a SATD. They love it and it works really well for them.

rajahmd · September 2014

If we opt to go the route of one working parent/one stay at home, I'll be working and DH will be staying at home. As a physician, I have higher earning potential than DH in the future. DH also works in IT, which is something he could theoretically do from home with the right position. I know I don't have the temperament to be the stay - at - home parent. DH does.

Of note, this may not even be necessary. My dad is thinking of retiring around the same time we're thinking of starting TTC. If the timing works out, we may invite him to live with us when he retires. Then he could live with us (vs alone) and take care of the grandkids.

sarahufl · September 2014

H makes much, much more than I do. So I will plan to stay at home with our kids.

If I decide I don't like staying at home, he is fully supportive of me working. My mom stayed home with us and I think we are better people for it. While I recognize that it doesn't work for everyone, it is something I want to try out.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

I wish it wasn't such a bigger question mark around being a SAH dad versus mom. (In general, not you specifically.) Why is it looked upon as anything different just because the boobs don't happen to be attached to him? Men are just as capable of being the primary caregiver/nurturer as women are. Some are more capable. /endrant

I don't have real life experience to call from yet, but I think in most of life there's only benefit to talking things like this through, as long as you don't make hard and fast commitments to your plans panning out. I really believe that "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." But it's foolish to not at least plan a little bit!

emmaaa · September 2014

If we could afford for one of us to stay at home when we have kids, it would be me. However, I don't think we'll ever be able to afford and I would miss my career.

I think it is very commendable for anyone to be a SAHP.

I do want to add, and not that I think this, but make sure you FI would be okay with people making rude comments about him being a SAHD. Many people are so backwards in thinking that men can't take care of the children and women can't have a career, you may hear that some. As long as that doesn't bother you, go for it.

kns1988 · September 2014

ashley8918 said:

I do think that in general, there is no pint in making plans before you get to that point in your life because honestly, you never know if you are cut out for the stay-at home life. I thought I was, but I SO wasn't. That being said, your FI is obviously good with kids, and might actually enjoy it. But, it sounds like he really and truly loves his job. Won't he miss it? Is he willing to give that up?

Just a few weeks ago, we decided that FI was going to be a temporary stay-at-home dad (although, technically, they aren't his kids. Whatever.). He was working a low paying, dead-end job in an industry that he had no interedt in, while trying to go to school. He was not doing well in school while full-time working, and his salary just barely covered daycare. So, it was a no-brainer for us.

Now, he stays home with my daughter, and gets my son on and off the bus. While he is home, he is taking as many online classes as he can, in order to get his degree finished this year. Next year, my daughter will be in full day Kindergarten, so daycare will no longer be an issue, and FI will hopefully have his degree and be looking for a job in his field.

We've talked about this, and it is a concern that he'll miss his job. The problem is that his job is one that he lives at for 4 months at a time, so we agree that it isn't really practical for him to be away for chunks of time when we have kids.** If anything, he would have to find a job that's local and lets him go home to his family in the evening, but I don't think he would enjoy that. He's firmly not a 9 to 5 type.

**Not saying that wouldn't work for some people, but it's not something we'd want.

kns1988 · September 2014

lolo883 said:

I wish it wasn't such a bigger question mark around being a SAH dad versus mom. (In general, not you specifically.) Why is it looked upon as anything different just because the boobs don't happen to be attached to him? Men are just as capable of being the primary caregiver/nurturer as women are. Some are more capable. /endrant

I don't have real life experience to call from yet, but I think in most of life there's only benefit to talking things like this through, as long as you don't make hard and fast commitments to your plans panning out. I really believe that "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." But it's foolish to not at least plan a little bit!

I totally agree with you about how it shouldn't be a big deal for the dad to be the primary caregiver. It's amazing how much shit we've gotten about it just talking about hypothetical plans. My mom went as far as to tell me that I'll change my mind once I realize that our (future) kids will have more of a bond with their dad than they'll have with me.

I learned pretty quickly not to talk about my future parenting plans with people IRL.

LittlePeachBlossom · September 2014

kns1988 said:

I just read through all of the pages of the "FI & money vent" thread so stay at home parenting is on my mind. I'm also taking a rare sick day and need something to entertain myself with.

I'm 25 and FI is 27, and we'd like to start trying to have kids within a year or two after our wedding... so this is an entirely different situation than the other thread. Our plan is for FI to be a stay at home dad. He currently works seasonally in the outdoor education industry. Basically, he has a really awesome job that allows him to teach kids how to canoe, rock climb, survive in the woods, etc. and he only signs on for seasons at a time (fall, spring, summer). He doesn't make much but it's a job that he loves and I love that he's passionate about it.

I work in IT with a pretty good salary, so it's a no brainer to us that he'll stay home with the kids when we have them. I also wouldn't want to spend all day at home with babies (more power to the person who does want to do that), and we think he'd be really good at it.

Does anyone else have a stay at home dad arrangement? How did it work out for you? Is it a futile effort to make these plans before you even have kids, since so many things could change?

SITB

We don't have an arrangement but I'd love it if we could both take turns throughout the years! That is my ideal scenario. I don't think it's futile to discuss it beforehand. Sure you won't know what the circumstances will be when you do start having children but it's good to know if either one of you hates the idea of staying at home and giving up their career for some time. (Regardless if it's the mom or dad.) In either situation, finances will have to be discussed since you'll either have less income or more expenses (childcare costs).

falsara · September 2014

Me and FI are 10 years from kids so we haven't really discussed it.

FFIL was a SAH dad though. FMIL Has her doctorate in nursing and specializes in surgrical. When they moved from Texas to AZ for FMIL, FI was 1. FFIL couldn't get a job at the university as a psYolo professor, which is what he did in Texas. So they decided he would stay at home with the two younger kids.

It worked for them. FI got to spend a whole lot of time with him. And all their kids turned out great.

It's definitely ok to talk about future plans but be prepared to be flexible. Life is always in a constant state of flux.

sarahufl · September 2014

kns1988 said:

lolo883 said:

I wish it wasn't such a bigger question mark around being a SAH dad versus mom. (In general, not you specifically.) Why is it looked upon as anything different just because the boobs don't happen to be attached to him? Men are just as capable of being the primary caregiver/nurturer as women are. Some are more capable. /endrant

I don't have real life experience to call from yet, but I think in most of life there's only benefit to talking things like this through, as long as you don't make hard and fast commitments to your plans panning out. I really believe that "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." But it's foolish to not at least plan a little bit!

I totally agree with you about how it shouldn't be a big deal for the dad to be the primary caregiver. It's amazing how much shit we've gotten about it just talking about hypothetical plans. My mom went as far as to tell me that I'll change my mind once I realize that our (future) kids will have more of a bond with their dad than they'll have with me.

I learned pretty quickly not to talk about my future parenting plans with people IRL.

My brother stayed home with my nieces for about 6 months while he searched for a new job. He had a really hard time with it- people would always ask him why he was "babysitting" (ie, taking care of his OWN CHILD). He also said a ton of mens rooms in public places don't have changing tables, making it difficult for him to take care of the girls.

He got a lot of terrible comments from stupid people.

theartistformerlyknownas · September 2014

kns1988 said:

lolo883 said:

I wish it wasn't such a bigger question mark around being a SAH dad versus mom. (In general, not you specifically.) Why is it looked upon as anything different just because the boobs don't happen to be attached to him? Men are just as capable of being the primary caregiver/nurturer as women are. Some are more capable. /endrant

I don't have real life experience to call from yet, but I think in most of life there's only benefit to talking things like this through, as long as you don't make hard and fast commitments to your plans panning out. I really believe that "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." But it's foolish to not at least plan a little bit!

I totally agree with you about how it shouldn't be a big deal for the dad to be the primary caregiver. It's amazing how much shit we've gotten about it just talking about hypothetical plans. My mom went as far as to tell me that I'll change my mind once I realize that our (future) kids will have more of a bond with their dad than they'll have with me.

I learned pretty quickly not to talk about my future parenting plans with people IRL.

I love how people who have such issue with this don't see the hypocrisy in their arguments. "The mom should be the caregiver because women are better nurturers/have a better bond with the baby since the womb! They have better instincts for it!" but then at the same time "If you go to work and Daddy stays home, the babies will love him more!" Well if women are such better nurturers, won't it be really easy to maintain that bond in the hours between dinner and bedtime and on the weekends?

Every kid I know with a working dad is super excited for Daddy to come home from work and play with them. They love him because he's their dad. Guess what? Every kid I know with a working mom is really excited for Mommy to come home from work and play with them. They love her because she's their mom. It doesn't fucking matter who is the primary caregiver and who is the primary breadwinner, unless the job you're going to is on the damn space station. Most kids love their parents more than their teachers even though they spend most of their waking hours at school, and those that don't probably have pretty shitty parents. It doesn't fucking matter.

JaxInBlue · September 2014

I'm not sure we'll be SAHPs. DH brings in the bigger bulk of our combined finances so I'd be the logical choice to leave work. But I don't know if I have the right temperament for it; I like working and my job. I think we'll start by initially exploiting the flexible work scenarios we both have the option for - thankfully, two family-friendly employers - and will probably make any determinations about stay at home parents once we both better understand what we'd like or need and what future kid needs.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Our current plan is for Fi to stay home, but I recognize that could change when kiddos arrive. I earn more, and have higher future earning potential with the law degree. Fi makes a good salary but he does not love his job. He is the one who really wants the SAHD arrangement. He's great with kids, and a very family-oriented guy. Meanwhile I'm very career-oriented and I can't see myself ever wanting to stay home full time.

I have gotten some shit for this, too. My dad asked shortly after we got engaged what our plans were for kids and would one of us stay home. When I said it was probably going to be Fi, Dad said something along the lines of, "I'm just concerned you'll get bored with Fi if he's home all day with the kids. And he wouldn't be a very challenging partner for you if he's home." Ummmm.... so, working dads get bored with their SAHWs? What?

My dad has never been super keen on Fi for reasons that I don't fully understand. But Dad is generally a socially progressive, non-biased guy, and I really wouldn't expect a comment that sexist to come out of his mouth. I asked him if he would say that if I were a man with my same career, marrying a woman who planned to stay home, and he just sort of clammed up.

princessofgenovia · September 2014

If one of us were to be a SAHP, it'd be him. I'd go nuts and also nothing in the house would get done. I mean nothing, I'm fucking lazy when I stay home. But he makes more then I do right now and even though I will potentially earn more in the future, he'll still most likely have a higher earning potential (in less he drastically changes fields).

Most likely our kid(s) will grow up with two working parents. I did, he did, neither of us are drug addicts and we've been to college and can function as grown ups most of the time, so I'm not too worried. Well one of his moms was a SAHM after his youngest sister was born, but he was in school full time by then and it was only for a few years.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

My uncle was a stay at home dad! Was.. My aunt just retired! Woohoo. He did a great job with the kids, also because cooking was his passion. They are 13, 10 and 8 now. (Yes my aunt retired very young - we're so jealous!)

raissyrais · September 2014

Well we are not having children so here's that. However if someone has to take a few days off to look after my nephew, then that would probably be me. Does that apply?

JoanE2012 · September 2014

RajahBMFD said:

If we opt to go the route of one working parent/one stay at home, I'll be working and DH will be staying at home. As a physician, I have higher earning potential than DH in the future. DH also works in IT, which is something he could theoretically do from home with the right position. I know I don't have the temperament to be the stay - at - home parent. DH does. Of note, this may not even be necessary. My dad is thinking of retiring around the same time we're thinking of starting TTC. If the timing works out, we may invite him to live with us when he retires. Then he could live with us (vs alone) and take care of the grandkids.

I know nothing about your situation, so please don't take offense. I'd just make absolutely sure that's truly what he would want. I've seen this happen where the grandparents ended up being caregivers of their children's children, and they're not aren't able to enjoy retirement because they're always looking after the kids. Not that that's not enjoyable, but heck, they did that already. Retirement is freedom to do what you want, and they're not able to so when they're chasing a toddler around. It's a tough situation to be put in and I think the example I've seen the grandparents kinda feel obligated. I wouldn't want to put that on anyone unless they truly volunteered.

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