"So sorry that you're a total bitch." Help with wording/ truce?

abbyj700 · September 2014

:-(

That really sucks.

I would honestly try a one on one asking what you did wrong calmly. Do it in a quiet public neutral ground place. If she flips and/or refuses to tell you, tell her you love her and your ready to talk when she is ready, and leave.

I'm sorry your dealing with this.

Maybe in the long run your sisters deeper issues will come out, and maybe they won't. Just look out for and work on you. That's all we can do in this life.

levioosa · September 2014

novella1186 said:

I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology." To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults. My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me." So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.

Well, it's really hard to communicate with someone who is BSC and won't engage in conversation/conflict-resolution like a fucking adult. You can't help that she has made up a slight. Your parents should be defending you, not feeding her crazy, but obviously that isn't going to happen. I would just distance myself. It's not like you guys have always had a stellar relationship and this is a recent and unusual blow up. This is a constant. You don't need the negativity in your life.

gladyscf · September 2014

You need to throw the bull-shit flag down on her.

A person can't apologize for what they don't know they did. It makes it an insincere apology and worthless.

Wash your hands of it. You should still consider yourself the bigger person because you are no longer stooping to her childish level.

beethery · September 2014

msstaticfancypants said:

You need to throw the bull-shit flag down on her.

A person can't apologize for what they don't know they did. It makes it an insincere apology and worthless.

Wash your hands of it. You should still consider yourself the bigger person because you are no longer stooping to her childish level.

Plus, from the sound of her wild-ass bullshit, she might've made the entire scenario up.

I'd drop it and be like so I have a sister I don't deal with anymore and life is fabulous.

banana468 · September 2014

novella1186 said:
I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology."

To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults.

My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me."

So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.

It sounds like your parents are again enabling her. I'm going to ditto the others and say that you can call her out on the BS. What I want to know is are you looking to repair the relationship or do you want to air your grievances?

novella1186 · September 2014

banana468 good question. I have no idea at this point. Part of me just wants all the negativity and nastiness to end, because we were really close for a while so it's kind of like I lost my best friend. But then part of me doesn't really want her involved in my life anymore because she's obviously never going to change, and will probably always do and say shitty stuff that makes me feel bad, and will probably never apologize for any of it so then I'll keep feeling bad.

On top of that, ANOTHER part of me really wants to rip her a new one and finally speak my mind. But I also think that won't do any good. Then she'll just play the victim and run around telling everyone how mean and horrible I am and she's so perfect and innocent. Drives me nuts. I guess I'm just really confused at this point. Especially to hear that she told my dad she has nothing to apologize for. My parents had told me a couple months ago that she knew she was wrong and felt really bad about it so... ?

Cookie Pusher · September 2014

novella1186 said:

I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology." To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults. My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me." So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.

I reiterate my suggestion to just let her ride the crazy train off into the sunset. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, she will find a way to twist it around to make you the bad guy.

Sometimes, being the bigger person means just walking away.

abbyj700 · September 2014

Do you feel like maybe there is something long term who could be making her this way? This may sound sort of from out of left field...but - like something that happened to her but not you? An accident? Some sort of sexual abuse? Being adopted? Disfigured? A learning disability? Something - that would make her hold this deep seated resentment, anger and jealousy of you. AND something that would cause your parents to continuously enable her?

This could be completely off...but...something is making my spidey senses tingle on this one. Not that I think you have done anything wrong (at all) but perhaps something that would more explain the situation and her issues.

novella1186 · September 2014

abbyj700 that's definitely something for me to think about, but nothing comes to mind right now... She was the gorgeous, popular, talented one growing up. Everyone made a huge deal about her ballet dancing and piano playing and whatnot. She was the one that had all the friends and always had boyfriends. I was the awkward geek that kept to myself.

Neither of us are adopted, she's never been in any serious accidents, as far as I know she was never abused. In fact, I'm the one that was in a horrible abusive relationship in high school. Her boyfriends always worship and adore her and then she dumps them.

My mom and aunt have both suggested that for whatever reason she's miserable with herself, and hates every single good thing that happens to me, but if that's the case she has definitely never alluded to it.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

novella1186 said:

I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology." To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults. My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me." So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.

Tell your dad to tell her not to hold her breath waiting?
You seriously owe her nothing, and her grudge is her own problem.

beethery · September 2014

Should she show up at any point and start shit in your presence, I want you to rehearse what Azealia is saying in this gif. Make it your mantra:

Hell, bring a mic/bullhorn and make sure she hears you.

rooz103 · September 2014

...is it bad that my immediate thought was that it'd be fun to try and convince her that you already apologized and that she accepted it? Fight crazy with crazy? No, I know that doesn't help. PP have already covered the good advice part and I'm sorry you have to be dealing with this.

IrishPirate60 · September 2014

Next time your dad tries to pass on a message from your sister, shut him down. Don't use the triangle. If she has something to say to you, you'll talk to her one on one.

jenajjthr · September 2014

novella1186 said:

abbyj700 that's definitely something for me to think about, but nothing comes to mind right now... She was the gorgeous, popular, talented one growing up. Everyone made a huge deal about her ballet dancing and piano playing and whatnot. She was the one that had all the friends and always had boyfriends. I was the awkward geek that kept to myself.

Neither of us are adopted, she's never been in any serious accidents, as far as I know she was never abused. In fact, I'm the one that was in a horrible abusive relationship in high school. Her boyfriends always worship and adore her and then she dumps them.

My mom and aunt have both suggested that for whatever reason she's miserable with herself, and hates every single good thing that happens to me, but if that's the case she has definitely never alluded to it.

That might be part of the issue. I hear it as a teacher now, we (parents/teachers) praise kids for every thing they do that by the time they get to be adults, they think they are "speshul snowflakes" we see on here. If everything doesn't go exactly how they envisoned it, it is horrible. She was the perfect one, you were the geek. Now she is the older sister who isn't getting married, you are. That is probably hurting her terribly, but NOT your fault, but she may think it is and you owe her the apology.

This may not be the case, but it could be. Either way, you do NOT owe her an apology for being engaged, for getting married, for anything. I wouldn't even talk to her at this point either, she was the who screamed and yelled at you at your party, she owes you the apology. Until then, I say bubble baths to help destress, liquor of your choice, and chocolate.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

novella1186 said:

I feel like I've posted about my sister on here about a million times. You guys are probably more sick of hearing about her than my FI is at this point. So I'm sorry, but here goes another one:
Just a quick re-cap, in early July she went psycho and ruined our engagement party. Screamed and cried and called me all sorts of nasty names and insulted me. FI actually yelled back at her because her insults were so out of control and he couldn't stand to sit there and see me get ripped apart for no reason (I just adore him!)

She never bothered to apologize or even explain and we haven't spoken since. She was supposed to be my MOH. Now I have no idea if she'll even bother to show up for the wedding. And at this point I'm tempted to just ask her to not be in the wedding party (yeah, I've read all the threads on this topic, I know I know).

Last night FI suggested that I be the bigger person and break the ice with her. He thinks I should end the feud and talk to her, not for her sake but so that I can move on, because I've literally been having nightmares about this for months. And I know he's right, but the thing is I'm sick of having to be the bigger person. Everyone in the entire family knows her as the mean cold-hearted bitch, and knows me as the quiet kind one. So our whole lives, she'll do or say something horrible to me that really hurts me, and then I basically apologize for it while she just sails on through life being nasty to everyone.

I don't want to be the one to break the ice because 1) as mentioned I'm sick of always being the bigger person. 2) I seriously have NOTHING nice or constructive to say to her, so it would end up being like "Hey you stupid bitch, you're a bitch." 3) I'm sick of her getting away with acting so mean and nasty and never having consequences and I think if I smooth things over it will be like once again she had no consequences. 4) Just overall, I'm so sick of how shitty she's treated me my whole life.

At this point you're probably so confused as to why I asked her to be MOH. That's another story.

I guess my question is, should I just suck it up and start a conversation with her? And if so, how do I word it without totally unleashing all my pent-up anger at her and making it into another huge fight? How would you guys word a thing like that? (I'm thinking e-mail, so she doesn't have the chance to lash out and get psycho like on the phone or in person). Do I even try to explain how bad she made FI and I feel, or do I just say "step down from the wedding party" or do I just call a truce and not mention any of it?

If you are at the point where you are totally fed up with her behavior, and you don't think a conversation will actually be constructive in that you don't think she will apologize or will make any attempt to modify future behavior,

THEN

I think it's just fine for you NOT to extend the olive branch. At some point enough is fucking enough, you know? Sometimes the healthiest thing to do with one of these relationships is to refuse to engage the other person and distance yourself from them period.

novella1186 said:

I think my FI's point in saying I should start a conversation with her, and why I agreed with him, is because this is eating away at me. The fact that she never apologized just makes it bother me even more. I'd like some type of closure on the matter, without me having to pretend it's ok that she did this.

You aren't going to get closure from her, though. All that will happen is that you will get sucked into another dysfunctional conflict with her. That seems to be her personality- she thrives off of conflict and drama if I recall correctly from previous posts.

You need to seek closure from within yourself and recognize that this is the person your sister is, you don't like the relationship or dynamic you have with her, and you need to change it on your end. It may be that the change you seek is to cut her out, or it may be that you greatly limit your time and conversations with her.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

aeryfaery said:

If you are sick of being the "bigger person", you are not the bigger person.

You can't make someone apologize. I'm sorry this is eating away at you, but it sounds like you want an outcome that's just not going to happen.

Honestly, i really think you need to talk to a professional about this. It's not just about your sister. You have some serious issues with your parents & their relationship to her, and their relationship to you. You have a whole family dynamic going on that's some kinda of fucked up, and I don't think you see that you are playing your own role in it.

Good luck.

I agree, and I think I have mentioned before that you might want to seek out a therapist that specializes in Family Systems.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2014

novella1186 said:

I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said "your sister thinks you owe her an apology because she says what you did to her was far more horrible than what she did to you. So she says she owes you no apology." To which I replied, "But what did I do?!" She never told me. As I said in the OP, I tried asking her why she was so mad and all I got were more insults. My dad said, "I have no idea. She won't tell me." So... ok? What am I supposed to even make of this? My FI was there to witness the conversation and he said his mind is absolutely blown by this, as is mine. She owes me no apology? And I did something horrible but NO ONE in the world except her even knows what it is? I really can't even wrap my head around this one at all.

Nope nope nope.

Your sister is a conflict driven person and your parents are enablers and instigators. The correct thing for your father to do was to tell your sister he was not getting in the midle of this bullshit and that she needed to speak to you directly.

Do not respond to your father. If he brings this tripe up again say, "Dad, I appreciate that you are concerned for our relationship, but this is an issue between Sister and I and I would appreciate it if you just let us handle it." If he keeps trying to get in the middle, you say, "Dad, we discussed this and I will not be discussing this any further with you. If Sister contacts me directly I will discuss this with her. So how about this weather?"

If he keeps pushing, you say "I'm sorry, but I have to go." And you hang up the phone, leave the rooom, etc. Lather, rinse, and repeat until your father gets tired of not getting the response he is trying to get from you. Repeat this whole process on your mother as well.

ETA: In regards to your sister, I would not reach out to her. If she contacts you then you can try and figure out what the hell she thinks you did to her, but honestly it's not even worth it. She's a dysfunctional, spoiled, drama queen- may even have BPD, be bi-polar, who knows- so I'm pretty sure that what you owe her an apology for is simply the fact that you are breathing.

With people like your sister, it's just the breathing in and out that sets them off.

Persnicketese · September 2014

Holy snicklefritz she sounds abusive as fuck with your parents enabling her. I came from a very toxic family and it took me forever to learn that you do not need to keep toxic, abusive people in your life because you are related to them. Your mental and emotional health is more important than keeping up an obviously toxic relationship because you happen to be related to them.

If she wants to climb down off of Mt Crazy and learn to be a decent human being and apologize that's on her. You owe her nothing. And if your parents want to climb to the peak of Mt. Crazy with her, you can calmly tell them your side and if they refuse to see it and/or support you, you know where they stand. Just know you still have people who love you and support you. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, and those who stand beside you through this are the ones who matter, IMO.

I hope things work out, OP.

novella1186 · September 2014

I can't thank you guys enough for the advice and support. Your words mean a lot. You are some very wise ladies!

aeryfaery · September 2014

RebeccaFlower said:

aeryfaery said:

If you are sick of being the "bigger person", you are not the bigger person.

You can't make someone apologize. I'm sorry this is eating away at you, but it sounds like you want an outcome that's just not going to happen.

Honestly, i really think you need to talk to a professional about this. It's not just about your sister. You have some serious issues with your parents & their relationship to her, and their relationship to you. You have a whole family dynamic going on that's some kinda of fucked up, and I don't think you see that you are playing your own role in it.

Good luck.

How's the view up there from your mother fucking high horse?

***stuck in the quote box*

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