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Has anyone tried Miss Manners' RSVP recommendation?

Aray82Aray82 member
500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
That ship has sailed for me (I provided cards with the envelopes and postage), but since I just finished reading her book and was nodding at everything except when it came to the RSVP...I was curious as to whether anyone who got married fairly recently just wrote the address with RSVP in the left corner of the invite, as Miss Manners instructs. I would never have dreamed of not providing a response card and not paying for postage, but apparently, according to Miss Manners this is rude as you're insulting your guests by telling them they don't know how to write and send a proper written response on their own.

Providing the cards worked pretty well for us; I can count on one hand the number we had to track down whose cards we didn't receive. But I'm really curious now, since I loved absolutely every other section of her Surprisingly Dignified Wedding guide...has anyone actually not provided the RSVP material? If so, how did it turn out? What kinds of responses did you get--personal stationery, phone, Facebook messages, emails? 
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Re: Has anyone tried Miss Manners' RSVP recommendation?

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    RSVP cards are actually a more modern thing.  The traditional way to RSVP to an invite is with a handwritten note on your own personal stationary.  However, since RSVP cards are so prevalent now and most people are used to getting them in their invites, I think not including them could confuse a lot of people.  Honestly, I did not know about the traditional way to RSVP until I came on here.  I figured RSVP cards were always used.

    We used RSVP cards in our invites.  They worked fine seeing as how everyone is used to them and knows what to do with them (well most times).

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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Cookie Pusher said:
    Seeing as how we had plenty of people not bother to respond when we did include the response card (and called and FB messaged and texted and emailed), I can only imagine what a clusterfuck it would have been without them.
    QFT.
    image
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I've never gotten an invitation without an RSVP card, and had never heard of that even being "a thing" until I got here. I'm sure more people would have been confused/offended by NOT getting one than by getting one. I don't think Miss Manners has caught up to the fact that most people don't have their own stationary anymore, and with online bill pay most of my friends and family don't even keep stamps on hand.
    image
    image
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Response cards are rarely used in Britain (where I am from) so people are expected to respond on their own stationery. Most non-enclosure people have the similar RSVP problems but I think that is down to people's rudeness and not necessarily the convenience of an RSVP card. Think about it this way, we have heard so much on here about brides calling guests and asking directly and they still say "I don't know". It really doesn't get more convenient than that...

    In the grand scheme of "etiquette" this is so far down the list, using RSVP cards or not doesn't bother me one way or the other as I have seen both.
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Cookie Pusher said:
    Seeing as how we had plenty of people not bother to respond when we did include the response card (and called and FB messaged and texted and emailed), I can only imagine what a clusterfuck it would have been without them.

    That was my thinking exactly. 
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    lolo883 said:
    I've never gotten an invitation without an RSVP card, and had never heard of that even being "a thing" until I got here. I'm sure more people would have been confused/offended by NOT getting one than by getting one. I don't think Miss Manners has caught up to the fact that most people don't have their own stationary anymore, and with online bill pay most of my friends and family don't even keep stamps on hand.
    I didn't know about this either until TK and Miss Manners. Maybe my grandparents' generation might take offense or prefer to use their own stationery, but my grandmother used the RSVP card--and I know that if she found it offensive I'd have heard about it! If not from her, then definitely from my mom.
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Maggie0829 said:
    RSVP cards are actually a more modern thing.  The traditional way to RSVP to an invite is with a handwritten note on your own personal stationary.  However, since RSVP cards are so prevalent now and most people are used to getting them in their invites, I think not including them could confuse a lot of people.  Honestly, I did not know about the traditional way to RSVP until I came on here.  I figured RSVP cards were always used.

    We used RSVP cards in our invites.  They worked fine seeing as how everyone is used to them and knows what to do with them (well most times).
    I do have my own stationery and I do really love using it (and need to use it up now that my last name will soon be different), but if someone took the time to provide me with their own card and envelope, I'd find it rude not to use what I was given. I'd never not seen RSVP cards either (unless there were instructions to RSVP on a website), but I was curious since Miss Manners is so in line with TK thinking in most other aspects of etiquette. Her tsk-tsking really made me start to wonder if this were still a frequent practice in some circles even today.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Poor Miss Manners!  The problem with following her perfect etiquette advice is that most modern people haven't learned proper etiquette! 
    In the 1960s pre-printed response cards were considered to be rude.  In the 1960s, people knew to respond in their own handwriting.  Today handwriting isn't even being taught in some schools!  I still can't get over the brides who think it is fine to address their precious wedding invitations by sticking labels on them instead of handwriting the addresses properly!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited September 2014
    LOL!  It is the fault of public schools!  They no longer teach handwriting!  (It used to be called "penmanship".)
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    CMGragain said:
    LOL!  It is the fault of public schools!  They no longer teach handwriting!

    SIB: The way some of my students' handwriting looks on exams, you'd think I taught pre-school instead of college... I guess I never got offended by the address labels because that would never affect my comfort or my enjoyment of the event in the way that a cash bar, honeymoon fund, skimpy food availability, or a gap would. Is the reason for handwriting each address to make your guests feel like the invite is more personalized and you put more time and thought into issuing them an invitation?
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers

    Aray82 said:
    CMGragain said:
    LOL!  It is the fault of public schools!  They no longer teach handwriting!

    SIB: The way some of my students' handwriting looks on exams, you'd think I taught pre-school instead of college... I guess I never got offended by the address labels because that would never affect my comfort or my enjoyment of the event in the way that a cash bar, honeymoon fund, skimpy food availability, or a gap would. Is the reason for handwriting each address to make your guests feel like the invite is more personalized and you put more time and thought into issuing them an invitation?
    This is an old tradition.  Business mail was typewritten.  Personal mail was handwritten.  In a wealthy household, the butler would sort the mail, separating the personal mail from the business mail.  The business mail would be placed on the desk of the head of household.  The personal mail would be put on a silver try and presented to the lady of the house.  She weould then take the mail to her desk, and spend time responding to her personal mail each day.
    This is the tradition.
    Today, junk mail (which has only existed since WWII) is addressed with sticky labels, often to "occupant".  Many people throw it away without even opening it.
    You may not like the traditions, but they still do exist.  Miss Manners is even more conservative than I am!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited September 2014
    Maggie0829 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Aray82 said:
    CMGragain said:
    LOL!  It is the fault of public schools!  They no longer teach handwriting!

    SIB: The way some of my students' handwriting looks on exams, you'd think I taught pre-school instead of college... I guess I never got offended by the address labels because that would never affect my comfort or my enjoyment of the event in the way that a cash bar, honeymoon fund, skimpy food availability, or a gap would. Is the reason for handwriting each address to make your guests feel like the invite is more personalized and you put more time and thought into issuing them an invitation?
    This is an old tradition.  Business mail was typewritten.  Personal mail was handwritten.  In a wealthy household, the butler would sort the mail, separating the personal mail from the business mail.  The business mail would be placed on the desk of the head of household.  The personal mail would be put on a silver try and presented to the lady of the house.  She weould then take the mail to her desk, and spend time responding to her personal mail each day.
    This is the tradition.
    Today, junk mail (which has only existed since WWII) is addressed with sticky labels, often to "occupant".  Many people throw it away without even opening it.
    You may not like the traditions, but they still do exist.  Miss Manners is even more conservative than I am!
    Well shit, I guess I shouldn't have fired my butler.  How will I ever get my mail and figure out what is and is not junk?
    You fired yours... I am too poor to have one!
    Anniversary
    image
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  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    I still respond in writing. I don't have my own stationary, but I still know how to correctly respond to an invitation.
    Response cards were invented for the benefit of people that didn't have a clue how to write a polite note or even pick up a telephone. 

    Everyone should know how to do this, because not every invitation to every event carries a response card. And yes, there are still people who don't use response cards. 

    (The first time my mother saw a response card in the 80s she was frikking appalled. WTF? Someone sent her a frikking form letter, with fill in the blanks, in case she needed help. We laughed at it.)
    Unfortunately, they've become standard practice, and my own daughter used them, so she didn't confuse her friends. Because etiquette is simply not taught, anymore. That's why there are so many frikking issues with cash bars and gaps and girls screaming "it's myyyyy day." They never learned "Guests first" or "company first," which every child should grasp by age four. 

    Also unfortunately, even with the easy form fill in the blanks and I even stamped it for you, there are still people clueless enough not to bother.
    They're here to stay. And so is the response card. But it is nice to know the correct way to do things, so that if you're ever in the position, you know exactly how to behave without making yourself look like a fool.
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  • JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    I'm going to admit, when I was previously engaged and checking out invite samples, I didn't even know what "M________________" meant on the RSVP card! "I was like, M?! Who is M? What is M? Why is this here, I'm so confused." Obviously, Google taught me what that line was for, but I swore that my invitations would not include that M because I wouldn't want anyone to be as confused as I was by it lol
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    It was hard enough getting answers when we included the RSVP cards.

     I know how to respond to an invitation, but I appreciate the convenience of those little cards with the stamps.

                       
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  • biggrouchbiggrouch member
    100 Love Its Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    Just because RSVP cards are common doesn't mean they're polite!!!!!!1!

    I'm sort of kidding, but also sort of wondering why this argument is so conspicuously absent from this discussion, as opposed to, say, putting dress codes on the invitation (also extremely helpful for a lot of people, including moi).

    The saddest part is that you will ALSO get judged by people on here if you put "RSVP: my.name@gmail.com" on the top left of your invites, even though that is ALSO easier for most of your guests than if you asked them to RSVP to a postal address.

    Unrelated: Anyone who judges me for putting printed labels on my envelopes (which I probably will do unless my fiance offers to handwrite my half of the invites as well as his, because FFS I have a demanding job and I am in graduate school) can just not come to the wedding, like, good riddance.
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    biggrouch said:
    Just because RSVP cards are common doesn't mean they're polite!!!!!!1!

    I'm sort of kidding, but also sort of wondering why this argument is so conspicuously absent from this discussion, as opposed to, say, putting dress codes on the invitation (also extremely helpful for a lot of people, including moi).

    The saddest part is that you will ALSO get judged by people on here if you put "RSVP: my.name@gmail.com" on the top left of your invites, even though that is ALSO easier for most of your guests than if you asked them to RSVP to a postal address.

    Unrelated: Anyone who judges me for putting printed labels on my envelopes (which I probably will do unless my fiance offers to handwrite my half of the invites as well as his, because FFS I have a demanding job and I am in graduate school) can just not come to the wedding, like, good riddance.

    SIB: That's a good point--many things that are common for weddings are not polite at all. But I guess whereas dollar dances, honeyfunds, dress codes, and cash bars affect the treatment of guests and compromise their comfort, the RSVP cards do not have this impact. Whereas a dress code imposes on guests the extra chore of having to shop for/plan for a specific outfit, and the cash bar obliges them to bring money to a hosted event if they want to drink, the RSVP card imposes practically nothing but sticking something in the mailbox and putting up the little flag. Leaving them out, on the other hand, puts the burden of using your own paper supply and postage for responding to an even that YOU (you in general) decided to host. Which is why Miss Manners' stance was so baffling to me...
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    JellyBean52513 said:
    I'm going to admit, when I was previously engaged and checking out invite samples, I didn't even know what "M________________" meant on the RSVP card! "I was like, M?! Who is M? What is M? Why is this here, I'm so confused." Obviously, Google taught me what that line was for, but I swore that my invitations would not include that M because I wouldn't want anyone to be as confused as I was by it lol
    I didn't include them either because some of my guests are MDs and PhDs and like to be addressed with their Dr titles in formal settings.
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    ohannabelle said:
    I still respond in writing. I don't have my own stationary, but I still know how to correctly respond to an invitation.
    Response cards were invented for the benefit of people that didn't have a clue how to write a polite note or even pick up a telephone. 

    Everyone should know how to do this, because not every invitation to every event carries a response card. And yes, there are still people who don't use response cards. 

    (The first time my mother saw a response card in the 80s she was frikking appalled. WTF? Someone sent her a frikking form letter, with fill in the blanks, in case she needed help. We laughed at it.)
    Unfortunately, they've become standard practice, and my own daughter used them, so she didn't confuse her friends. Because etiquette is simply not taught, anymore. That's why there are so many frikking issues with cash bars and gaps and girls screaming "it's myyyyy day." They never learned "Guests first" or "company first," which every child should grasp by age four. 

    Also unfortunately, even with the easy form fill in the blanks and I even stamped it for you, there are still people clueless enough not to bother.
    They're here to stay. And so is the response card. But it is nice to know the correct way to do things, so that if you're ever in the position, you know exactly how to behave without making yourself look like a fool.


    SIB: It is so interesting to read this because it is just completely the opposite of what I think of as the polite move (e.g., providing postage and paper for an event that you decided to host..you provide drinks, food, seats, so why not postage?). Now I want to ask my aunts who got married in the late 80s/early 90s whether they had response cards. Come to think of it, what did my mom do in the 70s?

    This weekend I was at a formal luncheon for a research conference and I was wishing I knew more about formal etiquette. There were like 5 different spoons, all different shapes and I'm sure I chose the wrong spoons for the soup and creme brulee. But the other graduate students were just as clueless about their spoon choices as I was, at least!
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    smalfrie19 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    CMGragain said:

    Aray82 said:
    CMGragain said:
    LOL!  It is the fault of public schools!  They no longer teach handwriting!

    SIB: The way some of my students' handwriting looks on exams, you'd think I taught pre-school instead of college... I guess I never got offended by the address labels because that would never affect my comfort or my enjoyment of the event in the way that a cash bar, honeymoon fund, skimpy food availability, or a gap would. Is the reason for handwriting each address to make your guests feel like the invite is more personalized and you put more time and thought into issuing them an invitation?
    This is an old tradition.  Business mail was typewritten.  Personal mail was handwritten.  In a wealthy household, the butler would sort the mail, separating the personal mail from the business mail.  The business mail would be placed on the desk of the head of household.  The personal mail would be put on a silver try and presented to the lady of the house.  She weould then take the mail to her desk, and spend time responding to her personal mail each day.
    This is the tradition.
    Today, junk mail (which has only existed since WWII) is addressed with sticky labels, often to "occupant".  Many people throw it away without even opening it.
    You may not like the traditions, but they still do exist.  Miss Manners is even more conservative than I am!
    Well shit, I guess I shouldn't have fired my butler.  How will I ever get my mail and figure out what is and is not junk?
    You fired yours... I am too poor to have one!

    Huh. I am learning a lot about old traditions on this thread! I recently picked up an old book at a used bookstore that was written by a "lady columnist" for Harper's in 1925--now I want to go in there and see if any of this stuff is talked about!

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Aray82 said:
    ohannabelle said:
    I still respond in writing. I don't have my own stationary, but I still know how to correctly respond to an invitation.
    Response cards were invented for the benefit of people that didn't have a clue how to write a polite note or even pick up a telephone. 

    Everyone should know how to do this, because not every invitation to every event carries a response card. And yes, there are still people who don't use response cards. 

    (The first time my mother saw a response card in the 80s she was frikking appalled. WTF? Someone sent her a frikking form letter, with fill in the blanks, in case she needed help. We laughed at it.)
    Unfortunately, they've become standard practice, and my own daughter used them, so she didn't confuse her friends. Because etiquette is simply not taught, anymore. That's why there are so many frikking issues with cash bars and gaps and girls screaming "it's myyyyy day." They never learned "Guests first" or "company first," which every child should grasp by age four. 

    Also unfortunately, even with the easy form fill in the blanks and I even stamped it for you, there are still people clueless enough not to bother.
    They're here to stay. And so is the response card. But it is nice to know the correct way to do things, so that if you're ever in the position, you know exactly how to behave without making yourself look like a fool.


    SIB: It is so interesting to read this because it is just completely the opposite of what I think of as the polite move (e.g., providing postage and paper for an event that you decided to host..you provide drinks, food, seats, so why not postage?). Now I want to ask my aunts who got married in the late 80s/early 90s whether they had response cards. Come to think of it, what did my mom do in the 70s?

    This weekend I was at a formal luncheon for a research conference and I was wishing I knew more about formal etiquette. There were like 5 different spoons, all different shapes and I'm sure I chose the wrong spoons for the soup and creme brulee. But the other graduate students were just as clueless about their spoon choices as I was, at least!
    I believe you start with the spoon farthest from your plate and work your way in towards your plate.
    image
    image

    image


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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I suppose you could say H and I did.  We did not include response cards.  But that wasn't because we felt people should send their own responses.  We had a cake and punch reception and felt we could guesstimate how many would come and how much cake and punch to have.  We had a few people call and tell us they were coming, but we did not get any hand-written responses.

    Note, however, that we did not include an RSVP date or anything to indicate we wanted an RSVP.

    @cmgragain.  I agree with you on hand writing/penmanship and I think it's tragic that it's not really being taught anymore.  I think it should be and will be teaching it to my children!
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited September 2014
    I didn't need response cards for my church wedding with cake and punch reception, either.  In 1976, response cards were still controversial.
    Daughter used them for her wedding in 2011.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • moutonrougemoutonrouge member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    A close friend didn't use RSVP cards because they did buffet, didn't have assigned seats, and their wedding planner advised using a formula to predict how many people would come. There was not enough food, so this didn't work so well. But, she did get a lot of handwritten cards from older relatives with their response. She had told me the plan ahead of time, so I knew she wasn't expecting a response. But I would've at least called or emailed (for a friend my age) if a card was not included. 
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  • Aray82Aray82 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    huskypuppy14 said:
    Aray82 said:
    ohannabelle said:
    I still respond in writing. I don't have my own stationary, but I still know how to correctly respond to an invitation.
    Response cards were invented for the benefit of people that didn't have a clue how to write a polite note or even pick up a telephone. 

    Everyone should know how to do this, because not every invitation to every event carries a response card. And yes, there are still people who don't use response cards. 

    (The first time my mother saw a response card in the 80s she was frikking appalled. WTF? Someone sent her a frikking form letter, with fill in the blanks, in case she needed help. We laughed at it.)
    Unfortunately, they've become standard practice, and my own daughter used them, so she didn't confuse her friends. Because etiquette is simply not taught, anymore. That's why there are so many frikking issues with cash bars and gaps and girls screaming "it's myyyyy day." They never learned "Guests first" or "company first," which every child should grasp by age four. 

    Also unfortunately, even with the easy form fill in the blanks and I even stamped it for you, there are still people clueless enough not to bother.
    They're here to stay. And so is the response card. But it is nice to know the correct way to do things, so that if you're ever in the position, you know exactly how to behave without making yourself look like a fool.


    SIB: It is so interesting to read this because it is just completely the opposite of what I think of as the polite move (e.g., providing postage and paper for an event that you decided to host..you provide drinks, food, seats, so why not postage?). Now I want to ask my aunts who got married in the late 80s/early 90s whether they had response cards. Come to think of it, what did my mom do in the 70s?

    This weekend I was at a formal luncheon for a research conference and I was wishing I knew more about formal etiquette. There were like 5 different spoons, all different shapes and I'm sure I chose the wrong spoons for the soup and creme brulee. But the other graduate students were just as clueless about their spoon choices as I was, at least!
    I believe you start with the spoon farthest from your plate and work your way in towards your plate.

    That's what I thought too...but then there were a couple spoons at the top of the plate :O
    Report Reply
  • ejpentecostejpentecost member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    I did not use them for my first marriage in 1984 because they were considered very tacky back then.

    I am probably going to use them this time because most people really don't know anything different these days, and they are socially acceptable (for the most part).
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