Wedding Etiquette Forum

Random TY etiquette question

My new husband and I just returned from our honeymoon (we left just 2 days after our wedding) and are eager to get all of our TY's out! Of course, we want to send TY's to all of our wedding guests regardless if they gave a gift or not. What I'm wondering, what is the etiquette if someone sends their gift after we send a TY just for coming to our wedding? Is it okay to let them know more informally that we received their gift and appreciate it, or does etiquette call for sending an additional TY card?

Re: Random TY etiquette question

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My new husband and I just returned from our honeymoon (we left just 2 days after our wedding) and are eager to get all of our TY's out! Of course, we want to send TY's to all of our wedding guests regardless if they gave a gift or not. What I'm wondering, what is the etiquette if someone sends their gift after we send a TY just for coming to our wedding? Is it okay to let them know more informally that we received their gift and appreciate it, or does etiquette call for sending an additional TY card?
    You should only send TYs to people who brought you a gift. 
    CMGragain
  • Thanks ladies! Your answers are surprising to me though, as I have read other places that it is courteous to send TYs to all guests, regardless if they gave a gift. Plus, my husband and I do really appreciate everyone who came to our wedding. Even though we had a really nice reception that I know everyone enjoyed, with favors, a photo booth, candy bar, etc, all of our guests had to travel at least an hour (most more) to attend, and our wedding was on a Sunday evening (so I know it wasn't the most convenient for many who work regular jobs). I certainly don't want to seem like we're flat out asking for gifts, as that is not our intention at all.  
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It very well could be perceived as asking for gifts. Don't chance it.
    Megalega14STARMOON44
  • Agree with PPs.  For now, send TY cards only to those who gave a gift.  If you want to thank individuals for attending the wedding (but how did not give a gift), do it in person/over the phone or send an email. Or, if you send holiday cards in a few months, you could add a note there reiterating how much you enjoyed their company at the wedding. 
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    Anniversary


    [Deleted User]
  • Totally agree with previous posters. 
    The reception is you thanking guests for *attending.*
    If they gave you a *gift*, send a TY for the gift.

  • Thanks Ladies!! I'm following your advice! 
    theartistformerlyknownas
  • levieenroselevieenrose member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    OP, I know you already got advice you intend to take, and I know that my post will not be popular here. But I feel very strongly that your original gut feeling is correct. Below, I am pasting my full reasoning expressed on another thread. We also received a couple thank you notes from guests, so I don't think it's the worst advice ever. 

    ETA: Just to clarify that in our situation, we did, of course, also thank everyone in person. 

    • Disagree, @indianaalum. We really just didn't care that some people--close people--chose to "just" bring themselves. That's what we wanted. THEM. What Idid notice and chose to be hurt by were the people who decided not to show up (ie: not people with illness or other significant reasons) and did not care to provide a reason for their behavior.  

      I know that etiquette does not dictate that people send thank you notes to those who attended the reception but did not bring a gift (the whole reception-is-the-thank-you-thing) but that's not right for me. In some cases, I am sure that their gift was spending travel money, buying appropriate attire, missing a pay-day, or whatever else, and to me that is no less of a gift than those who--fortunately for them--also had the additional funds to purchase a card or to splurge on a gift. 

      So every person got a thank you. A long letter thanking them for making the arrangements to come on our special day and for celebrating with us [and for the gift, if applicable]. We mentioned that we noticed they looked great, that they pulled some fabulous dance moves with so-and-so, appreciated the fantastic pictures they sent, or we mentioned we had some great pictures of them to send along, or what have you. And you know what? That also eliminates the whole guest worry of "Gee, I never got a thank you. Did they even get the gift?" or "Soooo rude! They never sent us a thank you for the gift." If someone recieved one of my thank you letters and noticed with concern the absence of a gift mention, they probably would have followed up with us. 


      If you read the etiquetter board, many women will say

      a) You do not need to send thank yous for coming to the reception, if no gift was given. BECAUSE

      b) sending a thank you note to someone who did NOT give a gift, look like you are fishing for a gift and may be perceived as rude in itself.
    • levieenroselevieenrose
      25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
      member
      August 21edited August 21

      I am quite aware of the Etiquette board and the leading opinion there, but this is something with which I disagree. We do our guests a disservice when we assume they are petty, paranoid, or suspicious people. If I was a manipulative person or someone who was really fishing for a gift, they would be smart enough to figure it out. It would be pretty obvious to anyone intelligent, which I am assuming they are. 


      We [as a community] don’t refuse to thank Great Aunt Melda for her holiday gift because in a weak moment of low self-esteem she might say to herself, “Oh lordy, I bet they know about that more expensive model which I didn’t buy them!”


      We don’t suppress our verbal expressions of appreciation for our parents or our children because they might wonder about what we really want from them. 


      We don’t choose to avoid helping that stranger balancing too many boxes going into or out of the same establishment because they might assume that we are hitting on them or that we’re trying to steal from them.


      We don’t circumvent donating clothing to the local family who lost everything in a house fire because they might feel embarrassed about their situation or snub our poor taste in style.


      To me, the person who spent months on his/her best behavior and volunteering overtime to get out of parole for a day--and who borrowed clothing and drove alone for nearly a full day there and back to be with us for a ceremony--is just as deserving of our appreciation as someone who could afford to drop a couple hundred extra bucks on us in lieu of going out to lunch one time that week. Yeah, it’s an extreme example and it would be pretty crazy if it was true for more than two of the guests at our wedding who either did or did not present a gift in addition to their presence. The point is that I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. And when you believe in someone (unless they are conniving or have serious issues), they often try to be worthy of it. Furthermore, I’m not holding back perfectly reasonable expressions of appreciation, love, or compassion to anyone because one should generally assume that people are suspicious and miserable about getting such good stuff.  

    Then happy I, that love and am beloved 
    Where I may not remove nor be removed.

     --William Shakespeare (Sonnet 25)

  • I would see it as a gift grab if I got a thank you note and hadn't given a gift (not that I wouldn't give a gift, but that's beside the point). You should have thanked them for coming in person at the reception. That is sufficient.

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    huskypuppy14
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