Wedding Invitations & Paper

Sticky +1 situation (HELP!!)

I need help, ladies! This is keeping me up at night...

I'm giving the majority of my guests a +1, with the exception of one of my fiance's close friends because I absolutely DESPISE his girlfriend. My family & I are paying for about 90% of the wedding expenses, so I feel I should get a say in who gets to attend my wedding, especially if it's someone that makes my blood boil at the thought of me hearing her name, right? 

Out of common courtesy and to avoid awkward situations, I'm not inviting any of my exes. Now, let me explain why I hate her so much. 

My fiance and I both studied at the same university. When he first arrived on campus a few years ago, he met this girl through marching band and they would hang out together, sometimes just them two. My fiance never told me about her until I saw the texts on his phone from this girl saying "when are you picking me up" blah blah blah. He claims nothing happened, but it put a huge stress on our relationship, we broke up temporarily and went to counseling over it. She was single at the time, so I had my suspicions. I gave him an ultimatum, he had to stop talking to her or I would leave him. And he had a REALLY hard time choosing. (This was after we had been dating for 3 years)

So, she finally got a boyfriend and it's one of my fiance's best friends. We already gave him a save-the-date and he'll get the invitation pretty soon. How do I make it clear that the invitation is JUST for him? What do I do if he invites her?!

Re: Sticky +1 situation (HELP!!)

  • I need help, ladies! This is keeping me up at night...

    I'm giving the majority of my guests a +1, with the exception of one of my fiance's close friends because I absolutely DESPISE his girlfriend. My family & I are paying for about 90% of the wedding expenses, so I feel I should get a say in who gets to attend my wedding, especially if it's someone that makes my blood boil at the thought of me hearing her name, right? 

    Out of common courtesy and to avoid awkward situations, I'm not inviting any of my exes. Now, let me explain why I hate her so much. 

    My fiance and I both studied at the same university. When he first arrived on campus a few years ago, he met this girl through marching band and they would hang out together, sometimes just them two. My fiance never told me about her until I saw the texts on his phone from this girl saying "when are you picking me up" blah blah blah. He claims nothing happened, but it put a huge stress on our relationship, we broke up temporarily and went to counseling over it. She was single at the time, so I had my suspicions. I gave him an ultimatum, he had to stop talking to her or I would leave him. And he had a REALLY hard time choosing. (This was after we had been dating for 3 years)

    So, she finally got a boyfriend and it's one of my fiance's best friends. We already gave him a save-the-date and he'll get the invitation pretty soon. How do I make it clear that the invitation is JUST for him? What do I do if he invites her?!
    You cannot do this. A person's girlfriend is not a "plus one," she's his significant other. SOs are a social unit who CANNOT be separated. Read the "who should I invite to my wedding" sticky at the top of the Etiquette board for more on this. If you don't want the girlfriend there, the only thing you can do is not invite the guy, which you can't do since you already sent him a STD which equals an invitation. You can't invite one but not the other, even if she's your FI's ex.

    Just suck it up. You won't have to interact with this girl at your wedding, and you'll be too blissfully happy by then that you won't even notice or care that she's there. She may even realize that it will be awkward and choose not to come. But you can't make that choice for her. Rise above the awkwardness and do the right thing.

    image
    image
    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Your feelings about his girlfriend are irrelevant. You will be a giant asshat if you don't invite someone's significant other unless he or she poses a physical threat to you or your guests or is a criminal of some sort. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    doeydoMairePoppyMaggie0829
  • Ok, thanks! I hope it works out and she feels awkward lol
    theartistformerlyknownas
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm afraid you'll have to suck this one up.  You can make it clear to your FI that he has to be totally hands-off with this woman, but if she's dating another guest, you can't invite him without inviting her as well.
  • Ok, thanks! I hope it works out and she feels awkward lol

    I think you are the one feeling awkward. Maybe it's lack of sleep but I'm not really seeing why she's the villain here. Invite the two of them and move on.
    CMGragainMyNameIsNotMairePoppy
  • I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.

  • I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.
    No one can "steal" anyone's boyfriend.  If the boyfriend strays, it's completely on him, not on the woman he strays with. 
    You must invite her.  You are making trouble for yourself with your misplaced anger.  You are the bride.  You won.  Why even worry about her?
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    theartistformerlyknownasMairePoppyMaggie0829LondonLisa
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with PPs. She is his girlfriend and needs to be invited. And try Unisom to help you sleep.
    theartistformerlyknownas
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2014
    You have to invite her.  No ifs, ands or buts. 

    Also, you sound insanely jealous and unreasonable in your reaction.  You gave your then BF an ultimatum and made him end a friendship with someone because she texted him. It sounds like you have some serious trust issues with your FI.  I can't believe he got back with you after you acted that way.
    CMGragainViczaesar
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.
    Except you have no evidence she did that, just your jealousy.  The one making a problem here is you, not her.



  • I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.
    How do you steal someone's boyfriend?  Do you hold a gun to his head and say "Come with me, big boy?"
    I have never heard of this girl code.  I know you don't fool around with a married man, but I don't understand this at all.  When I met DH (age 15), he had a girlfriend.  After a while, he decided that he's rather be with me.  I didn't know I was breaking some law, even in high school.  The other girlfriend was a very nice person, and we later became friends.
    Your whole post just screams "I'm insecure!  I don't trust my FI!  I have to give him ultimatums!"
    I really do not think that you are ready for marriage.  Married people trust each other.  Why are you so frightened by the thought of having this girl at your wedding?  It doesn't make sense.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MyNameIsNot
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    Ok, thanks! I hope it works out and she feels awkward lol
    I'm glad you've decided to invite her. 

    It doesn't matter who a person is, it's terribly rude to invite a person to celebrate your relationship while simultaneously shitting on theirs.  
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    I must be confused. I thought 'girl code' meant you shouldn't date your best friend's ex. That expires when you stop crying to best friend about the break up and you start dating again.

    Plus 1 situations are never sticky because we only have to refer to etiquette for our answers. Social units are invited, together, to social occasions such as weddings. So you should invite both or neither.

    This isn't an awkward situation, at all.  You have a fi, she has a boyfriend. They are not the same man.

                       
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.
    Oh FFS this is no longer college.  You are getting married and she has a boyfriend.  Grow up and invite her.

    holyguacamole79MairePoppy
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I guess I didn't really explain it that well. You kinda have to know the whole story, but it's girl code that you don't go behind someone's back trying to steal their boyfriend/fiance when they're in a committed relationship. I guess I'll have to suck it up though. The boyfriend has no idea why I don't like her.
    Maybe it is "girl code" as in, a code that 12 year old girls would follow. Maybe start living by "Woman code", you know, where you don't still live by petty drama that happened in uni. And I definitely agree with CMGragain, no one can "steal" another person.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards