Wedding 911

Feeling a little resentful

Hi fellow brides to be,

I've been engaged for almost four years now (crazy, yes...we got engaged, then I got accepted to nursing school, my future FIL was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and is still alive God bless him, I graduated nursing school, had three different nursing jobs, and now we're somewhat stable in our own place along with the both of us having stable jobs with the exception of my car not being in the best shape). I've been feeling pretty resentful of all of my friends who have gotten engaged (after we did) and got married (before us). I'm almost at my breaking point where I don't even care anymore if we get married or not because I get no input from my fiancé (he's pretty much giving me the green light to do what I want, but I WANT his input because to me it's not just my day it's his too). My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years, and I love him more than anything and can't imagine my life without him. I just feel very depressed and almost like I just don't care what happens, if we get married, or we just say F it and move on. I feel like if I said forget it then both of our families would be disappointed, but at the same time we would be saving them from all the drama that is wedding planning. I feel like I can't please anyone, even myself at this point. Please give me some advice, help me figure out how to turn myself around. Otherwise I just don't see things going smoothly.

Re: Feeling a little resentful

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi fellow brides to be,

    I've been engaged for almost four years now (crazy, yes...we got engaged, then I got accepted to nursing school, my future FIL was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and is still alive God bless him, I graduated nursing school, had three different nursing jobs, and now we're somewhat stable in our own place along with the both of us having stable jobs with the exception of my car not being in the best shape). I've been feeling pretty resentful of all of my friends who have gotten engaged (after we did) and got married (before us). I'm almost at my breaking point where I don't even care anymore if we get married or not because I get no input from my fiancé (he's pretty much giving me the green light to do what I want, but I WANT his input because to me it's not just my day it's his too). My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years, and I love him more than anything and can't imagine my life without him. I just feel very depressed and almost like I just don't care what happens, if we get married, or we just say F it and move on. I feel like if I said forget it then both of our families would be disappointed, but at the same time we would be saving them from all the drama that is wedding planning. I feel like I can't please anyone, even myself at this point. Please give me some advice, help me figure out how to turn myself around. Otherwise I just don't see things going smoothly.
    First off, I'm glad to hear your FI is doing better.

    I can completely sympathize with your feelings. I'm in a similar boat now, but with pregnancy.  So, I understand the jealousy of couples getting engaged after you and married before you.

    Your statement about "not caring anymore if you get married or not" is a bit extreme.  Do you want to stay in a long-term relationship where you are committed but not married?  Or are you considering breaking it off with him?  I'm not quite sure what you're thinking here. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Hi fellow brides to be,

    I've been engaged for almost four years now (crazy, yes...we got engaged, then I got accepted to nursing school, my future FIL was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and is still alive God bless him, I graduated nursing school, had three different nursing jobs, and now we're somewhat stable in our own place along with the both of us having stable jobs with the exception of my car not being in the best shape). I've been feeling pretty resentful of all of my friends who have gotten engaged (after we did) and got married (before us). I'm almost at my breaking point where I don't even care anymore if we get married or not because I get no input from my fiancé (he's pretty much giving me the green light to do what I want, but I WANT his input because to me it's not just my day it's his too). My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years, and I love him more than anything and can't imagine my life without him. I just feel very depressed and almost like I just don't care what happens, if we get married, or we just say F it and move on. I feel like if I said forget it then both of our families would be disappointed, but at the same time we would be saving them from all the drama that is wedding planning. I feel like I can't please anyone, even myself at this point. Please give me some advice, help me figure out how to turn myself around. Otherwise I just don't see things going smoothly.
    I get how you are feeling a bit.  H and I were together 8 years before he proposed.  During that time a large handful of friends and family got together, got engaged and got married.  I got to the point that I was happy and content with where we were in our relationship and knew that marriage or not I was going to be with him forever.  Then a month later he popped the question.

    I think right now you need to sit your FI down and have a discussion with him on how you are feeling and how you want him involved in the wedding planning.  As for your friends, being bummed that they all got married before you is perfectly normal, but you need to remember that everyone's lives are different.  It sounds like you and your FI had a lot going on after you got engaged and that made you put wedding plans on hold.  And understandably so.

    The only people in this equation that matter are you and your FI so you need to do what is best for the both of you.  So talk with your FI tell him that you want his input and that you don't want to plan this wedding without him. See what parts of the day really interest him (for H he cared about the venue, the food and the music, while he didn't give a crap about the flowers or colors or decor) and work together on those items.

    Are you only considering not getting married because you are frustrated right now?  Or are you really thinking that marriage is not for you?

    falsaraweddingcactus
  • The silver lining--you've been to all those weddings and you can see what you do and do not want.  Want a small ceremony at a courthouse with lunch after because those were too much drama?  Perfect.  Saw ceremonies at big venues with production-level you want to emulate?  Also perfect.  After you and FI talk about a timeline and budget, you have seen a lot and have years of maturity to throw the kind of day that you'll treasure.  
    [Deleted User]Kauris25 years
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Would you be at all interested in eloping or doing a very small, immediate-family-only ceremony at the JOP? It sounds like maybe you're overwhelmed by the idea of planning a huge party, but we always say around here that elopements and JOP ceremonies are every bit as "real" as the big blowout--if a blowout gives you hives to think about, skip it!
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • First, decide if you do, indeed, want to get married.  Then decide how big or small you want it.  If you don't want to deal with "drama" but also don't want to disappoint your parents, maybe just invite your parents to come to town, go to the courthouse, and have a nice lunch afterwards.  Or, if you're not late night dancing people, have an afternoon backyard wedding followed by a BBQ picnic reception <-- this is my plan.  And if you don't want to get married, don't, but don't be jealous of your other friends because this is a decision you made for yourself.
  • Hi fellow brides to be,

    I've been engaged for almost four years now (crazy, yes...we got engaged, then I got accepted to nursing school, my future FIL was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and is still alive God bless him, I graduated nursing school, had three different nursing jobs, and now we're somewhat stable in our own place along with the both of us having stable jobs with the exception of my car not being in the best shape). I've been feeling pretty resentful of all of my friends who have gotten engaged (after we did) and got married (before us). I'm almost at my breaking point where I don't even care anymore if we get married or not because I get no input from my fiancé (he's pretty much giving me the green light to do what I want, but I WANT his input because to me it's not just my day it's his too). My fiancé and I have been together for 10 years, and I love him more than anything and can't imagine my life without him. I just feel very depressed and almost like I just don't care what happens, if we get married, or we just say F it and move on. I feel like if I said forget it then both of our families would be disappointed, but at the same time we would be saving them from all the drama that is wedding planning. I feel like I can't please anyone, even myself at this point. Please give me some advice, help me figure out how to turn myself around. Otherwise I just don't see things going smoothly.
    To the bolded - Do you really feel like that or are you just saying it? If you really feel like you don't care either way if you marry this man, then you should absolutely not get married to him. And if you are feeling depressed, see a doctor. You're a nurse, you know you should.

    If you're just saying that (you should stop and NEVER say that to him), then keep reading. I don't think it's unusual to get anxious with a long engagement, especially when you have no plans. I would encourage you to get a budget together. Figure out what you can spend on a wedding and then start planning it. If you want your FI's involvement, ask him for his opinion. Show him 3 pictures of cakes you like and say "which would you pick?" and go with it.

    I think if you nail down a budget and then find a venue and book a date, things will start moving along. If you don't have a lot of money, your venue could be booking a pavilion at a city park. I think getting a budget and date will get you rolling. Good luck!
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    [Deleted User]missxasiaweddingcactus
  • Show him 3 pictures of cakes you like and say "which would you pick?" and go with it.
    I can't really offer any other advice on the emotional side of things that hasn't been better stated by other folks. But as far as getting your fiance involved, THIS.  Give him choices. I had trouble getting my fiance involved in the process too. It's not that my fiance doesn't care -- he hasn't spend half his life mentally planning his wedding, he hasn't thought this out, he hasn't read the Knot :-), he doesn't know what his options are. He's found parts of this process overwhelming, and it's been easier for him to just hand things over to me especially when he's got a lot of other things on his mind, like craziness at work. But, if I present to fiance options A, B or C, usually he has an opinion among the 3. You just have to give him a reasonable range of options to work with. Then, if he still doesn't care, I'll make the decision, but usually he has something to offer that will at least help ME choose. 
  • primafaba15primafaba15 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited September 2014
    I am so sorry -- no idea how I double-posted! 
  • If you feel depressed have you thought about talking to a therapist? Because not caring is one of the things about depression, and I don't think wedding planning would essentially solve the underlying emotional problems, IMO. Talking with a neutral third party would give you some perspective and a safe place to find out where you stand and where you need to go from there.
    fdjlka25 years
  • fdjlkafdjlka member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited October 2014

    I understand how frustrating it is when you see other people reaching a point that you would also like to reach in your life.  Sounds like you just had a lot of bad timing and life events that came up.  That happens.  You just need to pick a date and do it.  Sounds like you and your fiance have already been through a lot of challenging events and came out OK, that's what marriage is all about.  You don't need 1, 2 years to plan a wedding.  You're already engaged, just find a venue and pick a date.  You can do it in a few months.  Winter is the offseason and you can get better rates and better choices of venues available.

  • I'm getting the impression from your post that you do want to marry your fiance, your just sad that circumstances...and very challenging ones at that!...have dragged it out so much plus you sound overwhelmed at the thought of planning a wedding. For some perspective that I hope is helpful. My DH and I got engaged after over 10 years of living together! Heck, I had a friend who met her 1st H long after DH and I started dating...got engaged, got married, got divorced, and married 2nd H...all before DH and I got engaged, lol. However, once we got engaged, we were able to plan a beautiful ceremony and reception in only seven months. We could have done it even sooner, but we got engaged in Nov. and June the following year was the most convenient for my mom. The method to our madness was we kept the ceremony small and intimate (less than 35 guests). For me, it was perfect, because it was still large enough to host my closest friends and family, but not so big that I was overwhelmed by both the time and expense involved. Other PPs have also given great ideas for more low key, casual, and much easier to plan types of weddings. Good luck with your planning and I hope you find the right solution.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Sorry...TK, the notorious paragraph eater.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • @short+sassy If your paragraphs disappear, put two of these on blank lines between the paragraphs... a < followed by the letter p and a closing >

    If I type it here, it disappears because the html turns it into a paragraph

    It looks like this "<"p">" but without the quotation marks.

    themosthappy91
  • @short+sassy If your paragraphs disappear, put two of these on blank lines between the paragraphs... a < followed by the letter p and a closing >

    If I type it here, it disappears because the html turns it into a paragraph

    It looks like this "<"p">" but without the quotation marks.

    SITB

    Thanks so much!  I post on here during my lunch hour from work and have tons of trouble with this site.  That tip will at least help with that issue.  Fairly often, I can't post at all and then another moment I can.  Our Internet Explorer here is VERY outdated and there are a few websites that just don't work properly for me :(.


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My very first thought was that you might be suffering from some mild depression, or just stressed to the max which will tend to bring on the "all or nothing" feelings where you utter things like you don't care if you get married or break up.  I'm sure you do truly care and there are more complexities to the situation.  I would recommend a counselor or psychologist for you to speak with to sort out how overwhelmed you must feel.  I totally understand the feelings of resentment as others get married and don't have sh^%storms thrown at them like it seems you have.  Also, if you decide to proceed with a wedding, take into account what you can handle and what will add more stress.  Only take on what you can handle!!  
    25 years
  • Oh hon, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've dealt with clinical depression- and this sounds like you may have some depression hanging upon you. I've been there- and it's so hard when life keeps having so much erattic happenings get in the way. 
    You've been dealing with so much on your plate (and wow, can I just say how impressed I am at what all you accomplished and how you were wise enough to put wedding stuff on hold while you achieved so much!) I agree with all the people above- counseling can be very helpful when dealing with this level of stress.
    Stress can be cumulative- and cause anxiety or depression to really take form. And dude, resenting all those peeps who got married makes total sense and I have felt those same sorts of feeling. Mine was getting resentful when other people graduated before me, while my education kept getting delayed.
    There's no timeline for life that you have to stick to- and it's hard not to- but try to keep perspective on your life and know that everyone's timeline is different- and just because yours isn't the same as those around you doesn't mean you're not doing everything right. 
    Sounds like your life is right on track and that you're kicking ass and taking names.

     "I don't even care anymore if we get married or not because I get no input from my fiancé (he's pretty much giving me the green light to do what I want, but I WANT his input because to me it's not just my day it's his too). "

    I totally get that. I find almost every single bride I've known has gone through that. Fi was doing that whole 'whatever you want, I don't care' thing. Until like 4 weeks before the wedding- now all of a sudden he has ideas after almost everything is settled! ;) 

    But seriously- we figured out the things he enjoyed contributing to/was best at. He's a computer programmer, loves music, has discerning tastes about things we buy, and is very good and pricing things out and staying in budget. So he took the lead on music, our wedding website, registry and honeymoon. 

    On the details, I tend to show him a pic or two and ask him 'would you be ok with this?' Pinterest has helped me compile the images for things. I'd give him a board of ideas and see if there's anything he's against or would change. Luckily he liked everything.

    I included things I knew he loved- like our menu is thanksgiving food- which is his favorite. 

    We had to have a few talks about why it means something to me for him to have input- and it finally got through to him on about talk three. :P Time and communication work wonders.

    Best of luck to you. Let us know how you're doing.
  • You want to get married. You just don't want to feel selfish for wanting to have this special day that is all about you two. I think because of his dad's circumstance you don't feel like you can allow yourself to want to plan a big event. But why not celebrate the fact that his dad is doing better and give him the gift of watching his son get married? it is a joyous occasion. And omg guys are so clueless i got into a huge argument with my fiancé because at one point he told me to take care of something bc its MY wedding! guys just don't think about it the way we do and they assume that we want to be in charge of every single detail. But why don't you pick a date as a christmas present this year? You could jump start it that way. We picked our anniversary of when we first started dating. Once you actually start planning and you have an official date to work with, everything else with start to fall into place. Keep your bridal party small and your guest list to a minimum and you can have a beautiful and intimate special occasion. Just because his dad got ill does not mean you can not celebrate anymore. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting that special day that is focused on you and you certainly should not feel like it is any kind of burden. Yes wedding planning is stressful, but it is a once in a lifetime (well hopefully) event!!!! Nobody will hold it against you. And your fiancé may surprise you once you start planning for real. I did a lot of work on my own but when I struggled with a DIY project my fiancé stepped in an helped me perfect it. It was a lot of fun too. I hope it works out for you
  • look up the article on the knot 11 things nobody tells you about wedding planning.
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