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Fiance's ex may be at the wedding?

kata18kata18 member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding 911
This may be confusing and I'm sorry, but stay with me :) My fiance dated a girl about 3-4 years ago, where she broke up with him once then the last time he broke up with her. I know he truly loves me and has never given me any reason to think he doesn't nor has he ever given me any reason to think he'd leave me for her. However, he's been best friends with her brother since they were about 3 years old, so he'll be the best man. He's grown up with their family and is friends with the rest of the kids that are around our age. Occasionally she'll comment something on his facebook pictures(to which he doesn't reply) which makes me feel really insecure and jealous for some obviously dumb reason. I trust him, I just don't trust her because she has a flirty personality with everyone, even though she's in a relationship herself.

Since we're inviting her family, do we have to include her too? I really don't want her there as I think I just get upset thinking about her. I know I am jealous and insecure, but I just don't know why. I know he loves me, since I am the one he wants to marry. What do I do? WHY can I not get over the fact that she's just an ex? 
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Re: Fiance's ex may be at the wedding?

  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    What does your FI want to do? I personally think it will look odd if you invite everyone from her family except her.

    Honestly, it sounds like you don't trust your FI. I think you should look into counseling, maybe couples counseling.
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  • kata18kata18 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I know my jealousy/insecurity stems from being cheated on by my first real, long term relationship (I was a meek girl back then who dated an guy who treated me terribly). My FI is wonderful and I know he'd never cheat on me, so that I'm not worried about.

    It's just when I look at her I'm jealous that she was his first long-term relationship and that they have a history of growing up together. 
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    kata18 said:

    I know my jealousy/insecurity stems from being cheated on by my first real, long term relationship (I was a meek girl back then who dated an guy who treated me terribly). My FI is wonderful and I know he'd never cheat on me, so that I'm not worried about.


    It's just when I look at her I'm jealous that she was his first long-term relationship and that they have a history of growing up together. 
    I truly think you might benefit from some counseling sessions. While some jealousy is normal, I feel like this is an overreaction. Also, it sounds like your first relationship was abusive, and that can be a hard cycle to break. Not that your FI is abusive, but that you might be placing him on a pedestal and overlooking any of his issues and making it a failing on your part.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    My ex's sister was my MOH. In addition to my MOH I invited his parents, the rest of his siblings (and their spouses), and his nieces and nephews. I did not invite him. I sincerely doubt anyone in his family expected me to invite him, they certainly never said anything to me about it. 

    I didn't want that reminder of the pain he caused me on my wedding day. Plus, while I maintained a relationship with his family I did not maintain one with him.  I would obviously see him at his family functions and we would be polite but we don't have contact outside of those events.  
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  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    What does your FI want to do?  Does he want to invite her?  If he's been close with their entire family since he was 3 I think its a bit odd it invite everyone *except* her.

    I would recommend counseling, especially with your previous history of abuse.  If her natural personality is flirty (I have a few close friends that are like that) then I would just chalk up her behavior to that.  They broke up.  He's marrying you.  She is not a threat.

    FWIW, I fully intend on inviting FI's ex, but as some of the ladies on here know we have a *very* amiable relationship with his ex-W and her family.
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Be prepare to spread some hate for the Devil's Advocate - I dated a guy for 6 years before I dated FI. We broke up and got back together numerous times before we decided a friendship was the way to go, and honestly we're still really good friends. I went to the birth of his nephew, his nieces grad, his recitals in University - that's just the type of relationship we have.

    My FI hates him. (He treated me bad, we were young, we moved on.) But I want him at my wedding because of the history there - he's been in my life and my friend for 10 years, a lot of important things in my life happened when ex was there. That being said, if my FI was so set against ex not coming, I'd respect that. But i hope FI will take into consideration my friendship with ex, not just the fact that we dated when deciding his feelings on it.

    I'd give your FI the benefit of the doubt, and if he wants her there then be the bigger person.  You might not even notice her with everything else going on.  Or, if you're like me and are a little petty - flaunt that new husband of yours and how awesome you look the day of and make her jealous. :) 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Just remember this, she may have been his first long term relationship, but your his last & the most important. You're the one with the ring on the finger who he will be saying "I do" to on that big day. I think this is something you and FI should discuss if she should be invited. If you do invite, take the attitude of "You may have had him first, but I've got him for keeps" and chances are you'll have very little interaction with her on your big day.
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  • TheGardenBrideTheGardenBride member
    First Comment
    Just remember he chose to marry you, not her. If it really bothers you, talk with your fiancee about it and come to a mutual agreemnent. However, what do you think would happen by having her be there? She's at your wedding, and he is your groom.

    It's kind of (in a way) the ultimate way you would want to run into her again. At your wedding when you are being catered to and look absolutely gorgeous.

    Unless shes a supermodel...that would suck.
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  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I say you don't have to invite her. While it may be weird to leave out one invite from a family, it's weirder to have a girl sitting there and eating your food who dated your fiance. Unless there are other circumstances than this, I say you have every right to leave her out. 

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  • bahamabride2015bahamabride2015 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited September 2014
    Honestly you could invite her but if she has any respect she won't come.  I've been in her position before and I politely declined and sent a gift (gift card so they could buy what they wanted and it wouldn't be associated with me)

    There really was nothing between him and I for years and she was a super nice girl but I didn't want there to be even a twinge of weirdness for her on her day.


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  • spip2014spip2014 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Quite honestly, it is your day. If there is someone on your invite list that might make you uncomfortable by attending, they shouldn't be on it, regardless of what the relationship is. I've made a few cuts on my own list just because someone's attendance to my wedding would make it THAT much more awkward for me. 

    I dated someone I worked with for a few years prior to meeting my FI but I'd never consider inviting him to my wedding, and he certainly didn't invite me to his. I invited every single person we work with but him and he did the same. We get along just fine at work and are friendly, but there is no need for us to be attending each other's wedding or be considered a thought on such an important day for our significant others.

    In addition, my brother didn't invite my best friend to his wedding and she has been practically family forever! She is my MOH. She didn't make the cut simply because my brother had a simple crush on her once. Although I thought THAT was over dramatic (your thought process is not over dramatic in my opinion), I understood that the bride wanted NO reason to be uncomfortable on her day. 

    As long as your FI seems to be ok and understanding of your feelings, I don't really see how it could be a big deal excluding her from your invite list. I understand the family relationship, but if he is that close with them all (as it seems since her brother is his best man), they should understand WHY she wouldn't be invited.  


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  • Knottie76885396Knottie76885396 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    A general rule tends to be you don't invite exes. Each scenario is different, but in this case I would say it's a no.

    It sucks that there are such strong family ties, but I can't imagine people not understanding why you wouldn't want to invite a semi-serious ex of the groom. I think it would be rather inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

    Also, your stabs of jealous at the posts are completely normal. You can trust him to the moon and back, but that doesn't mean you trust HER. You're not controlling your FI by any means, and it's completely normal to not like an ex contacting your partner.

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  • fdjlkafdjlka member
    5 Love Its First Comment

    It would be insane to even entertain the idea of inviting an ex to a wedding.  They are called EX for a reason.  If they don't have kids together, and there are no ties holding them together, it doesn't really matter that her brother is in the wedding party or not.  Don't invite her.  Would your FI be OK with you inviting an ex?  I don't think so.  This is your wedding day, start your life off fresh and on a good note and don't invite old baggage.  If the brother/best man and parents get upset or don't understand, who cares?  It's not their wedding, they are guests.

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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    fdjlka said:

    It would be insane to even entertain the idea of inviting an ex to a wedding.  They are called EX for a reason.  If they don't have kids together, and there are no ties holding them together, it doesn't really matter that her brother is in the wedding party or not.  Don't invite her.  Would your FI be OK with you inviting an ex?  I don't think so.  This is your wedding day, start your life off fresh and on a good note and don't invite old baggage.  If the brother/best man and parents get upset or don't understand, who cares?  It's not their wedding, they are guests.

    It's probably best not to make assumptions about people you know nothing about. For all you know, maybe he's super chill and wouldn't care at all. I'm still friendly with lots of the guys I've dated, and my BF has no issues with it whatsoever - he's even taken up friendships with some of them himself. 

    As for the second bolded, it's never a bad idea to be considerate of other people's feelings, you know. I'm not advocating bending over backwards for people to not be hurt if you're making reasonable choices, though. 
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with PP's who have said you are well-within your rights to feel this way.  I don't see it AT ALL as a reflection on the level of trust your have with you FI; you can know 100% that your FI loves you, wants to be with you, and would never stray from you, but that still doesn't make it enjoyable to be reminded that he used to feel that way about someone else.  To be honest, I would find it troubling if my FI thought it was very important to invite someone who he knew would make me uncomfortable, no matter how close he is with that person- and in this case he isn't even close with her.  

    To clarify- I don't think there's anything wrong with a person wanting to maintain a friendship with an ex, even if their SO is initially uncomfortable with the prospect- that's something that it's up to those two people to work out over the course of their relationship.  But there's a difference between staying friends with an ex and inviting an ex to your wedding, and I think in the latter case the SO's discomfort takes precedence.    
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  • staceydeareststaceydearest member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    kata18 said:
    I know my jealousy/insecurity stems from being cheated on by my first real, long term relationship (I was a meek girl back then who dated an guy who treated me terribly). My FI is wonderful and I know he'd never cheat on me, so that I'm not worried about.

    It's just when I look at her I'm jealous that she was his first long-term relationship and that they have a history of growing up together. 
    Be sure that you aren't projecting your past experiences onto your FI. Even if you are secure in your current relationship, it can still happen. (Speaking from experience)

    That being said, jealously is a very real emotion, and it can be difficult to overcome. Don't feel bad about it, it's life. If you feel comfortable talking about it your FI should be understanding and supportive.
     
    When it comes down to it, you shouldn't have to worry about something like this on your wedding day. Talk it over with him and if you decide not to invite her, thats fine too. 

    (Personally, if I were invited to an ex's wedding I wouldn't attend, there is always the chance that she would feel the same)

    Good Luck!
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  • kata18kata18 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Thanks for all the replys everyone! You're right, Staceydearest, I've caught myself subconciously projecting my past experiences on my FI. 

    We didn't invite her, seeing as she actually got married herself over the summer. 

    I still feel bothered by her though :( She has actually commented on two photos of him, saying something negative about him. The more I see her TRY to interact with him (he ignores her) the more she tries to get his attention. I'm starting to feel sorry for her now; I feel as if she's insecure and just wants attention.
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    kata18 said:

    Thanks for all the replys everyone! You're right, Staceydearest, I've caught myself subconciously projecting my past experiences on my FI. 


    We didn't invite her, seeing as she actually got married herself over the summer. 

    I still feel bothered by her though :( She has actually commented on two photos of him, saying something negative about him. The more I see her TRY to interact with him (he ignores her) the more she tries to get his attention. I'm starting to feel sorry for her now; I feel as if she's insecure and just wants attention.
    Why is he still Facebook friends with her if she's just saying negative things? I'd at least change privacy settings so she can't comment on anything.
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