Jack and Jill Shower...but not really

mrsbanany · October 2014

So update: I've discussed this with both mom and FMIL. FMIL was horrified that we would have a shower without everyone on her side, again as a reminder they make up about 90% of the guests. So FI suggested to his mom that she either host another shower or offer to help pay for this one. So we will see how that goes.....

LondonLisa · October 2014

mrsbanany said:

So update: I've discussed this with both mom and FMIL. FMIL was horrified that we would have a shower without everyone on her side, again as a reminder they make up about 90% of the guests. So FI suggested to his mom that she either host another shower or offer to help pay for this one. So we will see how that goes.....

Wait, she isn't hosting it?! She absolutely gets ZERO say in the guest list!

Seriously, anything more that 30 people is just horrible... Don't subject your friends to that!

MGP · October 2014

LondonLisa said:

mrsbanany said:

So update: I've discussed this with both mom and FMIL. FMIL was horrified that we would have a shower without everyone on her side, again as a reminder they make up about 90% of the guests. So FI suggested to his mom that she either host another shower or offer to help pay for this one. So we will see how that goes.....

Wait, she isn't hosting it?! She absolutely gets ZERO say in the guest list!

Seriously, anything more that 30 people is just horrible... Don't subject your friends to that!

So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.

90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)

MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Oh hell no. Shut this down NOW. It's absolutely insane that your MIL thinks that someone else should host an 80 person party for her side of the family. Tell her just that - "MIL it is too much to ask my gracious hosts to take on that large of a guest list. They said they are willing to host x number of people. Unfortunately I need to make some serious cuts to the list. I hope you understand."

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

ohannabelle · October 2014

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

badbnagdway · October 2014

ohannabelle said:

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

I disagree, or maybe this is more of a clarification: the hostess can dictate the size of the party. It's polite to ask the person paying for the party, "what size event did you envision?" and then choose your invitees from there. The hostess doesn't get to choose who to invite, but should be able to cap the number somewhere.

perdonami · October 2014

badbnagdway said:

ohannabelle said:

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

I disagree, or maybe this is more of a clarification: the hostess can dictate the size of the party. It's polite to ask the person paying for the party, "what size event did you envision?" and then choose your invitees from there. The hostess doesn't get to choose who to invite, but should be able to cap the number somewhere.

If the bride gets to determine who is invited to the bridal shower I don't think that the hostess can choose how large of a party it is then. Maybe I need clarification on this.

MGP · October 2014

perdonami said:

badbnagdway said:

ohannabelle said:

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

I disagree, or maybe this is more of a clarification: the hostess can dictate the size of the party. It's polite to ask the person paying for the party, "what size event did you envision?" and then choose your invitees from there. The hostess doesn't get to choose who to invite, but should be able to cap the number somewhere.

If the bride gets to determine who is invited to the bridal shower I don't think that the hostess can choose how large of a party it is then. Maybe I need clarification on this.

Of course the hostess can choose how large the party is if she's paying for it. It's people like the OP's MIL that think it's OK to invite anyone and everyone on someone else's dime. That is quite presumptuous and gross if you ask me.

This is an easy process:

Host offers and bride accepts. NOTE: no asking or self hosting.

Host gives the number of guests she is willing to host during the offer. OR Bride asks host how many people they are willing to host.

Bride provides guest list of no more than the maximum number. NOTE: all shower guests must be invited to the wedding.

It's a group effort and requires communication. That's it.

ETA - suggestions from LondonLisa.

Jen4948 · October 2014

I hope your FMIL either backs down or throws her own shower instead of expecting you to have a 90 person shower (not hosted by you) just so she can invite every female member of her family.

Your FI may need to say to her, "Mom, this shower is not a family reunion for you, so stop treating it like that. MGP doesn't want, and shouldn't be expected, to open 90 gifts while people watch. That's way too long."

As for whether men should attend, they probably won't want to, but I don't know.

LondonLisa · October 2014

perdonami said:

badbnagdway said:

ohannabelle said:

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

I disagree, or maybe this is more of a clarification: the hostess can dictate the size of the party. It's polite to ask the person paying for the party, "what size event did you envision?" and then choose your invitees from there. The hostess doesn't get to choose who to invite, but should be able to cap the number somewhere.

If the bride gets to determine who is invited to the bridal shower I don't think that the hostess can choose how large of a party it is then. Maybe I need clarification on this.

Of course the hostess can determine the size. If I'm hosting a shower and the bride hands me a list with 60 people, we are going to have a chat about the expectations. As pp have said, it is usually best to be clear upfront. When offering to throw a shower, maybe say "I was thinking around 10-15 people for tea" or conversely, the bride can (after thanking them profusely) ask what the hostess has in mind to get a better idea. The Bride can determine which 10-15 people are invited but it certainly isn't carte blanche to invite all and sundry.

schellzinator · October 2014

Going back to the original question - don't subject those guys to the shower. I agree with the other posts that stated what guy wants to be one of 5 men among 90 women at a bridal shower? If you want FIs friends to hang out with them - why don't they schedule something different during that time...maybe a round of golf or drinks at a local bar?

jerkyanne · October 2014

Having a large family is exactly why I declined a shower. I couldn't imagine opening gifts from like 100 people, none the less subjecting others to watching it.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

MGP said:
So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.
90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)
MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

This. Exactly.

Something tells me FMIL has never hosted a shower or really any type of large event before. And she may be bad at math. Unless she is the most ridiculous human being ever, she has to simply not understand what that's insane. Insane on a rude level - expecting hosts to accommodate HER guests - and insane on a logistical level - opening gifts at the shower.

My ILs were like this with the wedding. They simply could not fathom why we couldn't just easily add 50+ people. Yea, there's something called "venue capacity" - oh really? what's that? *SMH*

Your FMIL needs to pick like 15 (this number TBD by MOH and MOB - as hosts) key people and then host her own shower for everyone else.

ohannabelle · October 2014

badbnagdway said:

ohannabelle said:

OP, if someone offers to host a shower for you, the guest list is determined by you and you alone. The host/hostess should ask you for a list, you provide it. Finito.

I disagree, or maybe this is more of a clarification: the hostess can dictate the size of the party. It's polite to ask the person paying for the party, "what size event did you envision?" and then choose your invitees from there. The hostess doesn't get to choose who to invite, but should be able to cap the number somewhere.

Yes, that is more clear. It is, of course is a combined effort. But ultimately, if a hostess says, May I have the list of guests you'd like invited, and I was thinking of 90, the bride has the option of saying No.

Or the reverse. The bride might present a list, and the hostess might say 90 people?????? I'm so sorry Miss Greedypants, I can only 20.

perdonami · October 2014

I just figured the bride would create the guestlist and she would understand to be reasonable with her list as well as communicating with the host about the number guests invited. After that, I figured the host would not include any more guests unless checking with the bride. Such as seems to be the case with our poor OP since it seems her FMIL is dictating who should also be invited; But, I see what PPs are explaining.

With my shower, my aunt pushed and pushed that I invite a minimum of 30 people. I thought it was a lot and I told her it was going to be difficult but that I would do my best. That was about all the input my aunt had with developing the guestlist. She also got uber pissed when only 18 showed which included herself, me and my then fiance.

perdonami · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

MGP said:
So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.
90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)
MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

This. Exactly.

Something tells me FMIL has never hosted a shower or really any type of large event before. And she may be bad at math. Unless she is the most ridiculous human being ever, she has to simply not understand what that's insane. Insane on a rude level - expecting hosts to accommodate HER guests - and insane on a logistical level - opening gifts at the shower.

My ILs were like this with the wedding. They simply could not fathom why we couldn't just easily add 50+ people. Yea, there's something called "venue capacity" - oh really? what's that? *SMH*

Your FMIL needs to pick like 15 (this number TBD by MOH and MOB - as hosts) key people and then host her own shower for everyone else.

I agree with this 100%. Hopefully FMIL can be reasoned with and will do this.

MGP · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

MGP said:
So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.
90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)
MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

This. Exactly.

Something tells me FMIL has never hosted a shower or really any type of large event before. And she may be bad at math. Unless she is the most ridiculous human being ever, she has to simply not understand what that's insane. Insane on a rude level - expecting hosts to accommodate HER guests - and insane on a logistical level - opening gifts at the shower.

My ILs were like this with the wedding. They simply could not fathom why we couldn't just easily add 50+ people. Yea, there's something called "venue capacity" - oh really? what's that? *SMH*

Your FMIL needs to pick like 15 (this number TBD by MOH and MOB - as hosts) key people and then host her own shower for everyone else.

It's not just the logistics it's the cost that really gets under my skin. A 90 person shower would cost me close to $3000. Is that about average for other areas? Or am I spending way too much when I host?

perdonami · October 2014

I think that is about what I would spend to host a food and drink for 90 people. I spent a little a more at my wedding but that also included alcohol and a gourmet cake. For a shower I would probably grab a costco cake and serve iced tea and soda.

badbnagdway · October 2014

MGP said:

southernbelle0915 said:

MGP said:
So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.
90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)
MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

This. Exactly.

Something tells me FMIL has never hosted a shower or really any type of large event before. And she may be bad at math. Unless she is the most ridiculous human being ever, she has to simply not understand what that's insane. Insane on a rude level - expecting hosts to accommodate HER guests - and insane on a logistical level - opening gifts at the shower.

My ILs were like this with the wedding. They simply could not fathom why we couldn't just easily add 50+ people. Yea, there's something called "venue capacity" - oh really? what's that? *SMH*

Your FMIL needs to pick like 15 (this number TBD by MOH and MOB - as hosts) key people and then host her own shower for everyone else.

It's not just the logistics it's the cost that really gets under my skin. A 90 person shower would cost me close to $3000. Is that about average for other areas? Or am I spending way too much when I host?

I think that is probably about right depending on a bunch of factors. When I've thrown showers (and not needed to pay for a venue, because we could use someone's home) I've spent about $500 for decorations, cake, and fully catered dinner and booze for 16 people, and about the same on decorations, more casual food and booze for 26 people. It would have been more if I had to do it at a restaurant or other venue. There is no way I (or my immediate group of friends) could host 90 people at home so that would necessitate another venue.

EDIT: To clarify, I am saying that yes, I think it's possible that $3,000 would be required to host that many people, unless you can do something very casual and have a free venue or do kind of a cake and punch thing at an off meal time.

MGP · October 2014

badbnagdway said:

MGP said:

southernbelle0915 said:

MGP said:

So let me get this straight:

MOH and MOB are hosting the shower.
90 person guest list - 90% is IL family (that's 80 people)
MIL insists all these people need to be invited?

Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work.

This. Exactly.

Something tells me FMIL has never hosted a shower or really any type of large event before. And she may be bad at math. Unless she is the most ridiculous human being ever, she has to simply not understand what that's insane. Insane on a rude level - expecting hosts to accommodate HER guests - and insane on a logistical level - opening gifts at the shower.

My ILs were like this with the wedding. They simply could not fathom why we couldn't just easily add 50+ people. Yea, there's something called "venue capacity" - oh really? what's that? *SMH*

Your FMIL needs to pick like 15 (this number TBD by MOH and MOB - as hosts) key people and then host her own shower for everyone else.

It's not just the logistics it's the cost that really gets under my skin. A 90 person shower would cost me close to $3000. Is that about average for other areas? Or am I spending way too much when I host?

I think that is probably about right depending on a bunch of factors. When I've thrown showers (and not needed to pay for a venue, because we could use someone's home) I've spent about $500 for decorations, cake, and fully catered dinner and booze for 16 people, and about the same on decorations, more casual food and booze for 26 people. It would have been more if I had to do it at a restaurant or other venue. There is no way I (or my immediate group of friends) could host 90 people at home so that would necessitate another venue.

EDIT: To clarify, I am saying that yes, I think it's possible that $3,000 would be required to host that many people, unless you can do something very casual and have a free venue or do kind of a cake and punch thing at an off meal time.

----------

Yes this is exactly my point. Unless you are going to minimally host (cake/punch/afternoon) or improperly host (potluck/don't feed) host a 90 person event is going to be expensive. Especially for 80 of someone else's relatives. its just preposterous that people think other's wallets become wide open just because someone is getting married.

ETA - where does one host a 90 person shower? This is a serious question.

Jack and Jill Shower...but not really

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