So it begins!

BrandNewJ · October 2014

My fiancé and I were at his aunts house last night for Yom Kippur. She asked general wedding questions, but since we've been engaged for like 2 weeks, we don't have answers. She pushed us to tell her a dress code after "wear whatever will make you feel comfortable" didn't work 6 separate times. So I told her, it's a Saturday night with dinner reception, so a little nicer than cocktail.

Aunt: you're going to put that on the invitations,right?

me: no we aren't. People will know based on the style of invitation and time and day. They'll know what to wear.

Aunt: what if someone wears jeans?

me: that's on them then. I don't feel comfortable telling people how to dress.

aunt: long explanation on how people dress in Russian and Israel for weddings followed by "you should find an etiquette site. That will tell you it's okay".

fiancé steps in, go him!: actually, aunt, brandnewJ is on an etiquette forum and she knows what she's talking about.

Aunt: ok, well still check. You really need to tell people what to wear.

**facepalm** I wonder what will be next!

ETA: paragraphs.

AddieCake · October 2014

Just refuse to talk wedding with people you disagree with.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

What's the world coming to? My twenty-something-daughter saw a wedding invitation on my fridge and remarked how stupid it was that there was no dress code on the invitation!

**facepalm2**

BrandNewJ · October 2014

AddieCake said:

Just refuse to talk wedding with people you disagree with.

On the way home, fiancé said how annoying it was to have to have a conversation about nothing important for so long. I told him to get used to it, because he gets to deal with his aunt from now on.

people dress themselves every day. I don't get why no one thinks they can dress themselves for a wedding. I'm pretty sure everyone invited, even the kids, have been to one before...

JellyBean52513 · October 2014

AddieCake said:

Just refuse to talk wedding with people you disagree with.

Honestly, this is easier in theory than it is in practice. I remember when I got engaged, I had people coming at me left & right wanting to talk/ask questions. I even tried to keep everything short and change the subject, but they'd just bring it right back. Aside from straight-up telling people "I would prefer not to talk about my wedding, if you don't mind," which sounds weird and off-putting, it's tough to get people to STFU sometimes. Some people just don't care that you're trying to change the subject or not talk about it, they DO want to talk about it and so they will corner you into conversation.

This is especially true for the opinionated people. You simply MUST hear what they have to say, they're the experts on the matter, TRUST THEM THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT, etc. Just today at work we had a bride come in, and my boss was going on and on about what type of flowers she should have, how she should add a pop of color to her all white bouquet, how she should pick out her BMs' dresses based on how she wants her pictures to look, etc. I found this really ridiculous since when SHE was engaged, she would try her best to cut off clients' questions/chit chat about the wedding because she didn't feel like telling everyone about her plans.

At any rate, lurkers, Addie's advice is really the most practical: avoid talking about the wedding with people who want to interject their opinion into all of your planning. Easier said than done, but, the only alternative to having everyone and their mama plan your wedding for you lol

Jen4948 · October 2014

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).

BrandNewJ · October 2014

@Jen4948‌ I will definitely not be discussing more than need-to-know with her. I tried bean dipping her every time she asked about dress code, like @JellyBean52513‌ said, she just wasn't having it and kept asking! Lol. Luckily, his mom,her sister, also thinks she's going a bit over board so everyone was trying to make it stop. She's his to deal wit he now! In general shes rude, but means well. Her daughter is going to have a hell of a time when it's her turn to get married.

wrigleyville · October 2014

After a while, I would sit there and just look at them, refusing to answer. After an awkward pause, I'd change the subject. I didn't care what they thought. They were the rude one.

Sometimes I'd just smile, nod, thank them for their advice, and then change the subject. At least, that way, they didn't know if I was going to take it to heart or not. It was easier than arguing.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

My mom (who for the most part is a classy lady) mentioned me having a separate protein than our guests because "you like X and not a lot of other people do". I looked right at her and said "we won't be doing that."

I'm no nonsense and blunt when I don't agree with someone.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

wrigleyville said:

Sometimes I'd just smile, nod, thank them for their advice, and then change the subject. At least, that way, they didn't know if I was going to take it to heart or not. It was easier than arguing.

This is fantastic! That'll be my new approach, make things a lot easier in the future with her.

indianaalum · October 2014

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).'

I would just do the opposite. I would just say "okay" and then move on from the convo. and then "not do it". What will she do then? nothing because the invitations will be out and she will likely have forgotten by then.

Why argue on something with someone who has no control in the end. If the aunt has no access to invitations, I find it is just best to say "great idea" and move on. Unless the person is the person in charge of your invitations (thus could actually add that on there), why waste time arguing? Make sense?

flantastic · October 2014

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).'

I would just do the opposite. I would just say "okay" and then move on from the convo. and then "not do it". What will she do then? nothing because the invitations will be out and she will likely have forgotten by then.

Why argue on something with someone who has no control in the end. If the aunt has no access to invitations, I find it is just best to say "great idea" and move on. Unless the person is the person in charge of your invitations (thus could actually add that on there), why waste time arguing? Make sense?

FMIL is one of these "I won't be put off by a bean dip" people, and I think this has been FI's strategy his whole life.

Jen4948 · October 2014

flantastic said:

indianaalum said:

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).'

I would just do the opposite. I would just say "okay" and then move on from the convo. and then "not do it". What will she do then? nothing because the invitations will be out and she will likely have forgotten by then.

Why argue on something with someone who has no control in the end. If the aunt has no access to invitations, I find it is just best to say "great idea" and move on. Unless the person is the person in charge of your invitations (thus could actually add that on there), why waste time arguing? Make sense?

FMIL is one of these "I won't be put off by a bean dip" people, and I think this has been FI's strategy his whole life.

Because just saying "okay" and then not following through doesn't shut them down and it makes them feel, somewhat justifiably, manipulated, because you aren't being honest and straightforward with them by saying "okay" to what you're not going to do in the first place.

It's true that some people are like your FMIL and won't be put off by bean dips, but at that point you need to be straightforward. You, or your FI in this case, should tell such a person, "I'm sorry you don't agree with us, but the subject is closed. We are not willing to discuss it with you further, and if you bring it up again, we will end the conversation."

flantastic · October 2014

Which is what I'm encouraging him to do, and he's getting better at it. But it really needs to come from him in most cases, I think.

Jen4948 · October 2014

As long as he follows through when necessary. Because that's really the only way to maintain a boundary. Setting it doesn't work without the follow-through.

novella1186 · October 2014

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).

I tried saying almost exactly this to my mom after way way way too much wedding related family drama. She literally started screaming. Like banshee screaming. How dare I not discuss this with my own MOTHER, how dare I leave her out of things, she's the MOB she needs to be included in EVERYTHING. And so on, and so on, till she started crying, and then my dad yelled at me for "making" her cry. But that's just my family. They're fucking nuts.

This is good advice for people who are less nuts. Good luck, OP.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

BrandNewJ said: wrigleyville said:
Sometimes I'd just smile, nod, thank them for their advice, and then change the subject. At least, that way, they didn't know if I was going to take it to heart or not. It was easier than arguing.
This is fantastic! That'll be my new approach, make things a lot easier in the future with her. See also: "Thanks! We'll think about that." (I mean, you'll think it's insane, but she doesn't have to know that!)

melbenso · October 2014

Perhaps include an insert in Aunt's invitation: "Dress code: please dress yourself. Nudity would be inappropriate." ;-)

BrandNewJ · October 2014

melbenso said:

Perhaps include an insert in Aunt's invitation: "Dress code: please dress yourself. Nudity would be inappropriate." ;-)

Yes!!!

QueridaSara · October 2014

The 'people know how to dress themselves' works on like, 99% of people.

I only really think you need to put information on dress code information into the world if:

a/ there are actual technical reasons ('we are getting married at a huge park, you might want to skip the stilettos, and wear flats or wedges' 'we are getting married on the ocean, please dress warmly''we are getting married outdoors in December, please bring a coat!'), that to NOT have this information would make people uncomfortable

or

b/ if your venue has legitimate dress codes in place. My dream venue is a golf course, and they DO NOT co-sign on denim, sneakers, et cetera. We'd definitely have to make a note on the website and maybe even an insert on the invitations (since many of my FI's family aren't 'down' with the internet, and don't understand it. Seriously.).

or

c/ which is an offshoot of B, if your religious venue has dress codes. I went to a wedding at an Indo Canadian Church, and you had to be careful you weren't too provocatively dressed, and you had to have a shawl (f your gown showed your shoulders) and a head scarf. I mean, they wouldn't NOT let me in if I didn't have a headscarf, but no way I was going to disregard it, especially since it was so easy to achieve.

My FMIL (who is, hands down, one of the loveliest people ever, I lucked out) has already said she'll talk to her sister, who's go to uniform for life is sweatpants (the kind that have the elastic at the ankle), sneakers and sweatshirts. I'm torn between being thankful that she is (since otherwise, they wouldn't let her in!), and bummed we need to.

EDIT: Added point C

Jen4948 · October 2014

novella1186 said:

Jen4948 said:

I'd tell the aunt from this point on, "Sorry, aunt, but we disagree and we're not going to do that. Since we're not going to come to agreement on this point, FI and I are not willing to discuss it anymore."

And don't discuss any more aspects of your wedding with her that she doesn't absolutely need to know. If she tries to ask about them, just say, "We're working things out, but as of right now, everything is under control." Then change the subject (aka bean-dipping).

I tried saying almost exactly this to my mom after way way way too much wedding related family drama. She literally started screaming. Like banshee screaming. How dare I not discuss this with my own MOTHER, how dare I leave her out of things, she's the MOB she needs to be included in EVERYTHING. And so on, and so on, till she started crying, and then my dad yelled at me for "making" her cry. But that's just my family. They're fucking nuts.

This is good advice for people who are less nuts. Good luck, OP.

Well, for people who are nuts, you just avoid them altogether.

So it begins!

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