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Pre-wedding Parties

Best Man Won't Honor Our Party Wishes

My FI & I have been together for 8 years & own a home together. We are getting married in September & neither one of us wants separate bachelor/bachelorette parties. No need for a last hoorah of being single. Just a celebration of the next phase of our relationship. We want a combined party. We'll plan something fun with our bridal party & closest friends. We're not even asking the BM OR MOH to help plan it. The problem is the best man has a problem with what we want. He has actually said that it's his "right" to throw a bachelor party & if my FI won't commit to one that he'll just kidnap him at some point. This is causing a lot of tension. I'm pretty sure as the bride & groom that we get to decide what we want to do. Recommendations on how to deal with this?

Re: Best Man Won't Honor Our Party Wishes

  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    Your FI needs to stand up to his BM on this one. You have the right to decine any party offered. With this being said, I would tread lightly so as to not hurt BM's feelings. Maybe offer up some suggestions of what you were thinking? Just know, that typically the bride and groom do not plan any of their pre-wedding parties. You could rephrase it as a get together or outing. I hope this helps. Good luck!

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Blue_BirdDeirdreM257
  • We're still tossing around a few ideas. Our top picks are going to live music at any one of the local music venues we have, a day at the horse race track, the local Celtic Festival (which we love every year), or having a bbq and game day at our home...badminton, horse shoes, poker. The BM & MOH were welcome to plan a party as long as it was joint. My MOH was totally into it. Obviously, the BM not so much. So, if he won't work with my MOH we figured that we kind of have to handle it ourselves.
    ReginaLambert13
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I think those are all great ideas! A bbq and game day would be nice because people could just relax and it will feel a lot less "formal" than a planned party. Has your FI talked to his BM about not wanting to do a bach party? If so, then it is on the BM for not respecting the groom's wishes and he will end up looking like a dbag.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    DeirdreM257
  • My FI has definitely talked to his BM multiple times. His BM said he'll come to the joint party, but not help plan it. He says he still plans on kidnapping my FI for an actual bachelor party. No matter what my FI says that's the BM final word. So frustrating!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    We're still tossing around a few ideas. Our top picks are going to live music at any one of the local music venues we have, a day at the horse race track, the local Celtic Festival (which we love every year), or having a bbq and game day at our home...badminton, horse shoes, poker. The BM & MOH were welcome to plan a party as long as it was joint. My MOH was totally into it. Obviously, the BM not so much. So, if he won't work with my MOH we figured that we kind of have to handle it ourselves.
    First, know that anyone can plan this party not just the BM and MOH.  Friends that aren't in the wedding but attending, groomsmen, bridesmaids, etc, can all plan the party.  But if you and your SO decide to plan something I would just make it a fun outing for friends and leave any wording about wedding or bach/bachelorette out of it since throwing a party in your honor is kind of a no-no. And even that is kind of creeping on the line of hosting your own bach party.

    As for the BM issue.  This is something that your FI needs to deal with.  If the BM is so insistent on "kidnapping" your FI then I would suggest that your FI distance himself from his BM.  This guy seems immature and not really being a good friend by not listening to your FI wishes.

    Blue_BirdDeirdreM257msuprincess04lovedryn
  • We don't WANT to plan anything ourselves. We simply wish to have our time combined. We don't want separate bachelor & bachelorette parties. Any of our wedding party or friends are welcome to plan something. It's just that the BM is making a big stink about it. Frankly, we would be fine with no party at all too. We're not demanding a party. There will be a shower. There will be a wedding & reception. We have had other friends who have had a combined parties & there wasn't any drama with their friends. After 8 years & buying a home together we see separate parties that celebrate our last days as single people as something that's just not for us. After having been to other friends combined parties we just liked that idea better.
    JaniV123
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If not having a party isn't a huge deal then I would just not have one. No point in planning one yourselves just because the BM is being an ass and no one else, besides your MOH is willing to help with the planning.

    Blue_BirdDeirdreM257
  • vsgalvsgal member
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    You don't get to plan the party.  You get to go the party that is planned for you.  If no one wants to throw  the joint party, then you don't get one.  If the party that is offered is not what you want to do, then you decline the party.  You are not entitled to any pre-wedding parties.  
    ROCK IS KING!!
    lc07Blue_BirdDeirdreM257[Deleted User]
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Your FI just needs to refuse to go with the Best Man when he "kidnaps" him.  If the Best Man pulls a bait and switch on him then he needs to leave once he gets there.  The Best Man can't force him to stay somewhere against his will, that would be a real kidnapping…….the kind with criminal charges.  
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    Blue_BirdDeirdreM257[Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto everyone else. If you want to have a group party just for fun, then have one. Just don't call it a bachelor or bachelorette party. It is no different than if you all got together and went out or had fun at your house or whatever on any random day. However, if it is going to appear to be a bachelor or bachelorette party and you don't really care if you have that or not, I say skip it entirely so it does not come across that you are planning your own. 

    And ditto the advice about this Best Man. He cannot FORCE your fiance to participate in anything he doesn't want to. When he tries to "kidnap" him, he should just say, "I have told you this isn't happening" and refuse to go with him (or them if there are others involved). Same if they trick him and get him to a location where this party is happening. He can always leave. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Jen4948DeirdreM257
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    Ditto everyone else. If you want to have a group party just for fun, then have one. Just don't call it a bachelor or bachelorette party. It is no different than if you all got together and went out or had fun at your house or whatever on any random day. However, if it is going to appear to be a bachelor or bachelorette party and you don't really care if you have that or not, I say skip it entirely so it does not come across that you are planning your own. 

    And ditto the advice about this Best Man. He cannot FORCE your fiance to participate in anything he doesn't want to. When he tries to "kidnap" him, he should just say, "I have told you this isn't happening" and refuse to go with him (or them if there are others involved). Same if they trick him and get him to a location where this party is happening. He can always leave. 
    Yeah, your FI needs to nip the "kidnapping" in the bud: "Look, BM, I've mentioned to you repeatedly that I am not willing to be 'kidnapped,' so stop talking about it."  And he definitely shouldn't go anyplace with the BM or anyone else who might try to "kidnap" him without his own transportation so he can leave if necessary.
    DeirdreM257
  • Yeah , agree with PP's here. If your husband truly doesn't want a separate party, then he needs to tell his BM in no uncertain terms.

    My FI and his group of friends wanted to throw their buddy a separate party - this guy's fiance told them all at dinner that they were having a joint party (that they were planning). The group of guys were not particularly interested in doing what they said this joint party was, so they decided they'd try to throw him a separate event so they could have a guys' night out. It turned into a massive "problem" for the bride and groom, who never told the guys he didn't want something separate. All of the friends who were planning to do something were then disinvited to the wedding (after we had all put down deposits on a house for the wedding). It was really sad to see things shake out the way that they did, all because there was a communications problem between that groom and his buddies.

    Long story short - if you guys want to do something combined, more power to you, but if some friends want to throw your soon-to-be hubby something separate and additional - make sure your fiance tells them in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want something else. And if he wouldn't mind having a night out with the guys, then let him have that with his friends.
  • I think some guys look forward to doing this with their friends.....I dont see the big deal myself unless there are trust issues. ... let him make memories with his friends.... I dont see any harm in it just my opinion. Good luck with it
    cambryn
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I think some guys look forward to doing this with their friends.....I dont see the big deal myself unless there are trust issues. ... let him make memories with his friends.... I dont see any harm in it just my opinion. Good luck with it
    @bucksgirl414 Did you even read her post? Her fiance doesn't WANT a separate party. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    hales2010DeirdreM257
  • Unbelievably, the drama with this is still continuing. My MOH decided to host a Jack & Jill party for us this weekend. It's only about 8 people getting together & we were perfectly happy with what she planned. Come to find out the BM STILL set up another party for the 20th & invited a lot of my fiancé's friends. He is trying to guilt us both into having a separate bachelor party in addition to the Jack & Jill my MOH is throwing since he went to "all the trouble". I know or a fact that my fiancé specifically told him that there was no bachelor party MONTHS ago & has reiterated it every time he brings it up. It is now 16 days until our wedding and this is what we're having to deal with. It is SO stressful! We're both just at a loss right now. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Unbelievably, the drama with this is still continuing. My MOH decided to host a Jack & Jill party for us this weekend. It's only about 8 people getting together & we were perfectly happy with what she planned. Come to find out the BM STILL set up another party for the 20th & invited a lot of my fiancé's friends. He is trying to guilt us both into having a separate bachelor party in addition to the Jack & Jill my MOH is throwing since he went to "all the trouble". I know or a fact that my fiancé specifically told him that there was no bachelor party MONTHS ago & has reiterated it every time he brings it up. It is now 16 days until our wedding and this is what we're having to deal with. It is SO stressful! We're both just at a loss right now. 
    At least you and your FI are both on the same page.  Honestly, since this is not something your FI wants then he should just not go.  If his BM gets pissed by his absence then your FI just needs to remind him of the many times he told him that he did not want a separate party.  This guy is being an ass and the last thing that your FI should do is cave and go to this party which is most likely more for the BM then it is for your FI.

    And just remind yourself that you only have 16 days left to go and then all the drama will be over with!

  • Unbelievably, the drama with this is still continuing. My MOH decided to host a Jack & Jill party for us this weekend. It's only about 8 people getting together & we were perfectly happy with what she planned. Come to find out the BM STILL set up another party for the 20th & invited a lot of my fiancé's friends. He is trying to guilt us both into having a separate bachelor party in addition to the Jack & Jill my MOH is throwing since he went to "all the trouble". I know or a fact that my fiancé specifically told him that there was no bachelor party MONTHS ago & has reiterated it every time he brings it up. It is now 16 days until our wedding and this is what we're having to deal with. It is SO stressful! We're both just at a loss right now. 
    I think it would be fine for your FI to let the BM and whoever is invited know that he is not interested in this party and won't be attending so the people invited aren't disappointed when they show up to a bachelor party with no bachelor.
    image
    southernbelle0915chibiyui
  • Unbelievably, the drama with this is still continuing. My MOH decided to host a Jack & Jill party for us this weekend. It's only about 8 people getting together & we were perfectly happy with what she planned. Come to find out the BM STILL set up another party for the 20th & invited a lot of my fiancé's friends. He is trying to guilt us both into having a separate bachelor party in addition to the Jack & Jill my MOH is throwing since he went to "all the trouble". I know or a fact that my fiancé specifically told him that there was no bachelor party MONTHS ago & has reiterated it every time he brings it up. It is now 16 days until our wedding and this is what we're having to deal with. It is SO stressful! We're both just at a loss right now. 
    I think it would be fine for your FI to let the BM and whoever is invited know that he is not interested in this party and won't be attending so the people invited aren't disappointed when they show up to a bachelor party with no bachelor.
    Good point. Maybe my FI should let the other guests know. Not only will it prevent anyone from traveling or being disappointed, but it might cut the BM off if everyone knows the deal.
  • Not trying to be snarky, but I'm really confused. Why is the BM planning a guys' night out so stressful? Is he planning a night at a bunch of strip clubs? A bachelor party does not need to be a "celebrate your last day as a single person" party. It can just be a "we're celebrating your marriage and wishing you luck" party. I never, ever viewed FI's bachelor party as a celebration of or clinging to singledom. It was a fun trip away with his guy friends, who all texted me lots of pictures of him having a great time at a baseball game and some bars. I called the restaurant they were going to for dinner ahead of time and ordered them dessert. The whole thing was a celebration of FI's momentous life decision to get married to me. My bachelorette party next week will be the same. It's just so odd to me that someone throwing you or him a party would be a source of stress and not a source of happiness.

    Is the BM a huge jerk and talking about taking him out and getting him laid or something? I mean, THAT would be a source of stress, obviously. Is that what's happening?

    southernbelle0915Liatris2010chibiyui
  • jenijoyk said:

    Not trying to be snarky, but I'm really confused. Why is the BM planning a guys' night out so stressful? Is he planning a night at a bunch of strip clubs? A bachelor party does not need to be a "celebrate your last day as a single person" party. It can just be a "we're celebrating your marriage and wishing you luck" party. I never, ever viewed FI's bachelor party as a celebration of or clinging to singledom. It was a fun trip away with his guy friends, who all texted me lots of pictures of him having a great time at a baseball game and some bars. I called the restaurant they were going to for dinner ahead of time and ordered them dessert. The whole thing was a celebration of FI's momentous life decision to get married to me. My bachelorette party next week will be the same. It's just so odd to me that someone throwing you or him a party would be a source of stress and not a source of happiness.

    Is the BM a huge jerk and talking about taking him out and getting him laid or something? I mean, THAT would be a source of stress, obviously. Is that what's happening?

    To each their own. Neither my FI or I want bachelor or bachelorette parties. They're not our thing. The BM is inviting guys who weren't even invited to the wedding. Guys my FI doesn't see except at high school reunions. He IS talking about having drugs. My FI has guys nights out all the time. Regular poker games, etc. These guys are not out to celebrate my FI taking a big life step in getting married. They're lamenting the loss of another single guy (even though we've been together for 8 years). So, it's stressful.

    As stated earlier, we were happy to have no parties at all. An engagement party, a shower, the wedding & reception are probably 2 more parties than we needed.

    [Deleted User]
  • @jenijoyk

    Also, the BM refuses to reveal location or any other type of info. It's all very shady. So there would certainly be nothing like cute pics or ordering desserts to surprise them.

    [Deleted User]
  • @deirdreM257 - does your FI know that he can decline a party and say no if he's not interested based on what he knows (shady, drugs, etc.)? 

    If he has a backbone, he'll decline if he doesn't want to go. If he wants to go, he'll go. 
    *********************************************************************************

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    chibiyui
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm also 16 days out. And this is no where near something I would bother stressing myself out about. If your FI doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to go. Am I missing something. All he needs to do is tell his BM, "Hey, I'm not really interested in attending, so I won't be there. But you guys go and have a blast."

    [Deleted User]
  • @DeirdreM257 Alright I guess that does sound a little gross and weird. I was just confused because you were framing it as a "we don't like bachelor/ette parties" which doesn't really make sense, because a bachelor or bachelorette party can be anything. Golfing. Spa Day. Comedy Club. Cooking class. Knitting Circle. Whatever. That's like saying, "I dislike parties." Or "I dislike getting together with friends." What you ACTUALLY dislike is his super lame weirdo gross friend being shadesville.
  • What you've described is disrespectful. Which, I would hope, is a small minority of bachelor parties.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    FI needs to handle this, not you.  If he really doesn't want it, he needs to put his foot down and say absolutely no to the party.  And if I were him, I'd let BM know that a good friend wouldn't force him into a party or situation he isn't comfortable with and state that someone that who would try to put him in an uncomfortable situation, after he's clearly said no, probably isn't a good enough friend to be BM.  So, BM needs to choose what type of friend he wants to be.

    And if that doesn't work, inform him that "kidnapping" is a felony and you would hate to be missing the best man from your wedding because he's sitting in a jail cell on felony kidnapping charges.

    image 

    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    He doesn't want this party. He should say no to it. Period. This should not take up one more second of your lives.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Maggie0829
  • scribe95 said:
    This seems like a weird thing to stress about. He just says he's not attending and moves on. They can't physically kidnap him
    And if they do physically kidnap him, the police are called and the perps arrested.
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    This seems like a weird thing to stress about. He just says he's not attending and moves on. They can't physically kidnap him
    I don't think it's a weird thing to stress about at all. They keep telling the guy no, and he keeps disrespecting their wishes and trying to do what they don't want anyway, and now involving more people who aren't even invited to the wedding. Considering that this is the best man doing this nonsense, I'd be stressed as hell just on the basis of my friend being an ass. 
    image
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