I mean, would this blow really have been softened if the PP had said, "judging people for things they had no control over is a jerky thing to do?" instead of "makes you a jerk"?
Yes, really, it would make a difference. Replace the word with bitch and you have:
"well that makes you a judgemental bitch"
or your choice of expression:
"judging people for things they had no control over is a bitchy thing to do?" instead of "makes you a bitch"?
Though it may seem trivial, I think it is a boundary that should be upheld.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
Here's the thing. Unless I have reason to believe otherwise, I'm going to assume people follow the rules. Innocent until proven guilty, and that includes manners of etiquette. Guests of honor shouldn't have anything to do with planning their own party, so unless proven otherwise, I'm going to assume that's true. I would NEVER pre-judge someone for something that happened at a party thrown on their behalf. That's really shitty.
ETA: And are we really going to get our panties in a bunch over the term jerk? Let me go get my smelling salts. . .
Yes, it was name calling and is still unecessary. Its fine that we snark but there needs to be limits to it.
Seriously, this is a stranger on the internet calling you a jerk. Block the poster from your feed and get over it. If you let whatever a stranger on the internet says to you or calls you get you all upset all the time then maybe the internet is not for you.
ETA: And are we really going to get our panties in a bunch over the term jerk? Let me go get my smelling salts. . .
Yes, it was name calling and is still unecessary. Its fine that we snark but there needs to be limits to it.
Seriously, this is a stranger on the internet calling you a jerk. Block the poster from your feed and get over it. If you let whatever a stranger on the internet says to you or calls you get you all upset all the time then maybe the internet is not for you.
Okay, like I said, it is name calling. We have rules here on the knot. TOS states name calling is not okay. It doesnt seem like a good idea to pick and choose when to uphold this rule.
Of course we are all strangers but c'mon, why resort to name calling over a opinion you strongly disagree with? This goes two ways, why not just let it go if you don't agree with someone's POV instead of getting emotional enough to resort to name calling? After all that person is just a stranger no need to get upset.
Under no circumstances would I attend a party in my honor that had words like this on the invitation. Deal breaker, full stop. I would cancel the shower and make sure the hostesses knew why. No reason to tell the guests anything other than that the shower was cancelled. But I would divorce myself from the entire event and absolutely NOT attend it. And, I'm almost positive that my future relationship with the hostesses would never fully recover. That's just a level of rudeness that I can't forgive. What they want to do for others is their business, but when it's MY name attached to it, I have the right to put the brakes on something that puts me in the position of receiving the results of rudeness. My personal integrity would prevent me from attending and accepting the shower.
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
I have to say, while I am terribly embarrassed by the whole invite situation, I know that the hosts (FMIL and my cousin) are throwing the shower out of love and with no ill intentions. They probably simply thought, 'well annie and andy already have dishes and a toaster so....' I am horrified. I have to keep reminding myself that it is not a reflection on me and that (hopefully) the guests will know that I had nothing to do with the shower at all, let alone the invitation wording.
At only a week out I can't possibly ask them to cancel, nor do I want to offend or hurt the people that care for us enough to even want to throw a shower for us. I'm just going to show up and be grateful. Maybe someone will be able to gently guide them (the hosts) to proper etiquette in the future. ETA stupid auto correct
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
This is a bit much.
To each their own.
--------
I suppose but we don't want to encourage brides overreacting to a loved one's faux pas. Is it really worth straining a relationship? I mean this is her future husband's mother! IMO, it's not a good way to start a marriage.
PrettyGirlLost said:
doeydo said:
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower). Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
To the bolded - in many circles with wonderful etiquette - it is seen as an etiquette blunder to point out others etiquette errors. If you had invited a guest to a formal and etiquette strict event - you surely wouldn't sit and point out if they used the wrong silverware, held the silverware incorrectly, or otherwise broke the rules of etiquette. It would simply be rude.
As the OP has stated - she doesn't believe the hosts did this with the knowledge that it is bad etiquette. All you can do is hope to be a good influence on others in their etiquette through your example. My mother had a few etiquette issues when she hosted my shower. I would never dream of being so low class as to insult her and tell her what she did wrong. She was a generous host and I thanked her many times for her efforts.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
That is not what you said at all.
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I would not point out their faux paus, that would be very rude. I also think it would be rude to decline the shower now, they have already spent a lot of time and money to have it in your honor. I think your doing the entirely right and gracious thing. I would hate to live in a world where this would define my whole relationship with my FMIL, I think your doing exactly the only right thing you can do. I would feel sorry for somebody that would throw away an entire relationship over something so trivial!
Respectfully, RebeccaB, I have to say I think that would be a HUGE mistake on the part of the OP if she did as you advised. The reality is, it probably never even remotely occurred to the hosts that what they are doing would be perceived as rude, and while that's certainly unfortunate I think it's important to remember their intentions were certainly good. I would not want to answer good, though misguided, intentions with actions that would undoubtedly be confusing and incredibly hurtful- especially considering these are people the OP presumably wants to have a happy lifelong relationship with. And personally I think it's very harsh to say your relationship with the hosts would never recover if you were to find yourself in this situation- I respect that that's how you feel, and I'm happy for you that you have such harmonious relationships in your own life that something like this would be an absolute revelation (and I mean that sincerely), but I think that most people would be better served by focusing on the intent of the action and not allowing it to derail their entire relationship with a person simply because of ignorance about a matter of etiquette.
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
While I agree that the shower was probably not intended to be rude, the fact is that it is. They tried to do something nice, but unintentionally fucked it up royally. It's really unfortunate. I still wouldn't be even remotely comfortable attending it, and it would affect my relationships with the hostesses. There's no way it couldn't, for anyone who put me in the middle of that rude of a situation and expected me to go along with it. Not sure about your use of harmonious here, but my family and friends have never done something like this that I've known about, but we are strict about manners and etiquette around here. They certainly know better. But for OP, it's tough. I hope it works out. The whole situation would just be uncomfortably embarrassing for me.
In the grand scheme of things, this isn't even the rudest thing a host could have done. For crying out loud, it's not like they planned a cock fight. No way in hell would I ruin my relationship with my MIL over something as minor and easily-ignored by guests as this request was.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
That is not what you said at all.
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
That is not what you said at all.
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
As someone who discovered the day of her shower that host #1 had knowingly invited people who weren't on the wedding guest list in an attempt to make a power play to get them on the guest list (host #2 had no idea and no reason to do anything but trust host #1 about the situation), and then didn't tell host #2 or cancel the shower:
I think the benefit of the doubt should be given to people. If guests of honor aren't supposed to plan their own showers, I'm going to assume they didn't and that any rudeness isn't on them.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
That is not what you said at all.
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
As someone who discovered the day of her shower that host #1 had knowingly invited people who weren't on the wedding guest list in an attempt to make a power play to get them on the guest list (host #2 had no idea and no reason to do anything but trust host #1 about the situation), and then didn't tell host #2 or cancel the shower:
I think the benefit of the doubt should be given to people. If guests of honor aren't supposed to plan their own showers, I'm going to assume they didn't and that any rudeness isn't on them.
Add to the fact that, even though asking for money is rude, compared to other rude/horrible things that could be done it is quite low on the list.
Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be.I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
That is not what you said at all.
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
There's no harm in judging people silently, but why not modify that behavior and just give people the benefit of the doubt?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
Re: No. They. Didn't.
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
We see some truly horrific stories on here that reflect very poorly on the characters of those involved- I don't think this is one of those cases. Certainly not for the OP, but also probably not even for the hosts... yes it's embarrassing and unfortunate, but I'm sure it was an honest mistake.
At only a week out I can't possibly ask them to cancel, nor do I want to offend or hurt the people that care for us enough to even want to throw a shower for us. I'm just going to show up and be grateful. Maybe someone will be able to gently guide them (the hosts) to proper etiquette in the future.
ETA stupid auto correct
This is a bit much.
To each their own.
To each their own.
--------
I suppose but we don't want to encourage brides overreacting to a loved one's faux pas. Is it really worth straining a relationship? I mean this is her future husband's mother! IMO, it's not a good way to start a marriage.
doeydo said: Just wanna say that if I was invited to a shower and there were some etiquette fails, logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be. I would also be anticipating some possible etiquette fails at the wedding (if it was a bridal shower).
Why?
If you know the guest of honor had nothing to do with planning the shower and what happened at the shower, then why in the heck would you negatively judge the guest of honor for etiquette no-nos?
This is the judgemental stuff that makes no sense at all to me and makes me shake my head.
If I knew the guest of honour had zero to do with planning anything and had no knowledge of the rudeness, then I would never judge them. But how the heck would I know that?
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
You are quoted- "logically speaking I know that the bride or mom-to-be might have had zero influence or knowledge about the goings on at the shower, but I would still judge the party hosts and the bride or mom-to-be"
That statement means that if there was a faux pas at a shower, despite the rational assumption that the guest of honor probably had no knowledge of the planned faux pas, you would still judge them anyways.
How would you know who planned the shower? Well reasonable people assume that the guests of honor don't plan their own showers, and therefore give them that benefit of the doubt if something rude is planned and therefore don't judge them, they judge the hosts.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
As someone who discovered the day of her shower that host #1 had knowingly invited people who weren't on the wedding guest list in an attempt to make a power play to get them on the guest list (host #2 had no idea and no reason to do anything but trust host #1 about the situation), and then didn't tell host #2 or cancel the shower:
I think the benefit of the doubt should be given to people. If guests of honor aren't supposed to plan their own showers, I'm going to assume they didn't and that any rudeness isn't on them.
I think the benefit of the doubt should be given to people. If guests of honor aren't supposed to plan their own showers, I'm going to assume they didn't and that any rudeness isn't on them.
Add to the fact that, even though asking for money is rude, compared to other rude/horrible things that could be done it is quite low on the list.I guess I am unreasonable then? I don't see the harm of me silently judging someone in my head, anyways. Of course, people don't plan their own showers, but if these are tacky rude people then maybe they have a lot of input in them. Or maybe there's a cash bar at a shower, money tree, etc. because the bride mentioned little things about what she wanted. Doesn't mean she all out-planned the thing.
There's no harm in judging people silently, but why not modify that behavior and just give people the benefit of the doubt?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."