Honeymoon fund/gift

laurenlozzy · October 2014

We are travelling to Las Vegas from the uk and having a party to celebrate on our return back home. Our close family are traveling to Las Vegas with us so this won't be much alone time for us newly weds. Instead of a gift list for our guests back in the uk we would like money towards a honeymoon together, do you think this is rude or asking for too much as we are travelling for the wedding? My mum thinks that we cannot ask for this. Thanks for your thoughts x

MishMashPotato · October 2014

We are also travelling from the UK and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable asking guests for any money or gifts as they are spending a great deal of money on travelling with us. It is entirely your choice obviously and I'm sure that a lot of people would want to give you something even if you didn't ask for it.

I found a great website with some information on how to word it!

http://www.confetti.co.uk/wedding-ceremonies/traditions-customs/invitation-etiquette-how-to-ask-for-gift-of-cash/

tcnoble · October 2014

When you post a discussion on two boards it is helpful to include XP at the name of the discussion.

You got good advice on your other post. There is no cute or polite way to ask for cash. If you don't create a gift registry, people will know you want cash. And most people know you want cash anyways.

vegasgroom · October 2014

This question comes up on the Etiquette board a lot and it gets some pretty strongly worded opinions on both sides. The general argument against it is that people say it's rude to ask for money, and a honeymoon fund is basically asking for money. People get even more against it if you're using a honeymoon fund that doesn't actually pay for the things you've asked for and instead just gives you cash; they say that is disingenuous. People get incredibly against it if you use one that takes a cut of the money before giving it to you, because then you're asking for money, being disingenuous and throwing your gift givers' money away on that percentage cut.

I don't really have an opinion either way on it; whether or not people think of it as rude will probably depend a lot on their age and if they've ever even heard of a honeymoon fund before. It's kind of a new thing so a lot of people haven't heard of them, and wouldn't have any idea what really happens behind the scenes as to whether what they're 'buying' really just turns into cash to you. Might want to ask around casually amongst your friends to see if they've heard of it and know anything about it and get their opinions. If a few people mention they don't like them, maybe better to not do it.

Ndelible · October 2014

vegasgroom said:

This question comes up on the Etiquette board a lot and it gets some pretty strongly worded opinions on both sides. The general argument against it is that people say it's rude to ask for money, and a honeymoon fund is basically asking for money. People get even more against it if you're using a honeymoon fund that doesn't actually pay for the things you've asked for and instead just gives you cash; they say that is disingenuous. People get incredibly against it if you use one that takes a cut of the money before giving it to you, because then you're asking for money, being disingenuous and throwing your gift givers' money away on that percentage cut.

I don't really have an opinion either way on it; whether or not people think of it as rude will probably depend a lot on their age and if they've ever even heard of a honeymoon fund before. It's kind of a new thing so a lot of people haven't heard of them, and wouldn't have any idea what really happens behind the scenes as to whether what they're 'buying' really just turns into cash to you. Might want to ask around casually amongst your friends to see if they've heard of it and know anything about it and get their opinions. If a few people mention they don't like them, maybe better to not do it.

This is one of the best, most balanced responses to questions about honeymoon registries. We choose to have one, but it is not for the wedding, it is for our honeymoon later that year. We have opened up to our friends and family to join us on the cruise we ultimately choose. We've already starting getting gifts and they are they, giving PayPal interest.

I chose to do it because it's something that I would give a friend. I understand that many people will not give to it and still wish to give something. It's totally their choice. However, most of my friends expressed satisfaction with the option. I know a lot of people who travel. But, we also have a very limited traditional registry with very modest items. Actually, I don't expect anyone to give anything. I'm happy to have their good wishes.

On the "cut" by the different Honeyfund, there is only a cut if the giver chooses to use a credit card. They can give by check with no cut at all. Decide what's best for you.

wrigleyville · October 2014

Just don't register anywhere. Most people give cash as a wedding gift anyway. If people ask where you are registered, just say, "Oh, we have everything we need. Thanks for thinking of us, though!"

People don't need to be told you want cash because it's always a good gift and people KNOW it's appreciated. Plus, it's rude to mention gifts/money at all, since you aren't supposed to assume people are bringing gifts anyway. No one is obligated to give a gift, hence saying something like, "We want money instead of a present," (no matter how cutesy you make it), comes off as rude/strange.

All of our guests gave us cash except for one couple, who gave us a beautiful, handmade quilt. They make wedding quilts for everyone in our family, and I was really happy to receive one.

AustralianSam · October 2014

laurenlozzy - for our guests that are coming to Vegas, Ive told them not to bring / give anything! they are spending enough anyway.

Being from Australia... it is completely normal to ask for cash for a wedding gift. In fact I don't remember the last wedding I went to where they asked for anything but cash. Its expected here pretty much. And its hilarious for me to read the etiquette board and see how riled up people get about it!

But no... asking guests to fly to another country, and then expect a gift also... not cool.

wrigleyville · October 2014

No one should ever expect gifts, even if it's a local wedding. That's why saying something like, "You don't have to bring a gift," is tacky, because it assumes they were going to bring one in the first place.

That's why people get "riled up" on the Etiquette board. Proper etiquette states you should never mention gifts or no gifts, so of course the Etiquette board is going to support proper etiquette.

And don't even get me started on, "Your presence is our present!" /barf

hmgiffor · October 2014

I have an Amazon registry and a honeymoon registry. We didn't mention them anywhere but they are on our website. That way people can make their own decisions.

vegasbride2015 · October 2014

We have started an Amazon wedding registry but not sure if we will keep it. Many of our family and friends won't be invited due to cost and amount of ppl we can have, so I don't think it would be right to really share that info.

vegasgroom · October 2014

wrigleyville said:

And don't even get me started on, "Your presence is our present!" /barf

My presence is typically my present; I inform people of that with a you're welcome card.

AustralianSam · October 2014

Well... all Australians must be pretty crass... cause everyone flat out tells people they have a "wishing well" and monetary gifts can be placed in there.

Bunch of bogans we are.

dbacksgirl · October 2014

wrigleyville said:

And don't even get me started on, "Your presence is our present!" /barf

It may make you want to barf but for some, it's a sincere statement. FH and I have been together for 10 years and this is the first marriage for both of us. We don't need toasters and wine glasses. We do, however, want to host people as well as we can and for them to have a great time. People are spending a lot of money to come celebrate with us. I would much rather they take whatever additional money they might be thinking about shelling out on a gift for us and use it to get themselves a nice dinner or room upgrade in Vegas so their trip is really extra special, too. If this was just about us, we could have gone to the courthouse years ago. We decided to share a life a long time ago but we've finally decided to make a public declaration of our commitment and share it with those who are important to us. So whether it makes someone throw up in their mouth or not, having the people we love the most in the world with us on our wedding day is a better gift to me than any set of towels could ever be.

wrigleyville · October 2014

Yes, but you don't need to say that with a cutesy statement. :-P And, as I said, it's rude to insinuate people are going to buy you gifts.

Look, do whatever you want. I honestly don't care. I really don't. I'm just stating what is proper etiquette.

goin2vegas · October 2014

wrigleyville said:

Yes, but you don't need to say that with a cutesy statement. :-P And, as I said, it's rude to insinuate people are going to buy you gifts.

Look, do whatever you want. I honestly don't care. I really don't. I'm just stating what is proper etiquette.

It's true that you should never assume people are going to buy a gift but reality is, most people will and most people will want to know where you are registered, if they intend on buying a physical gift rather than giving cash.

We will be having a "Registry" section on our website but it will not include a registry at all, we will be making a statement there that we do not want any gifts whatsoever, cash or otherwise (obviously I won't put it like that. I'll "cute it up" a little bit lol). We just want people to come and being a destination wedding, we would rather they worry about their plans rather than adding one more expense. It may not be proper etiquette to mention it but I know my guests and I would rather make it clear up front than answer the same question 30 times over. *shrug*

As for specifically asking for cash or a honeymoon fund, if it's the norm in Australia then go for it. I would not ask for cash because it's often viewed as tacky here in Canada. This will be my second wedding but the first time we never asked for cash and did the whole registry thing. Most people still gave cash, which was fine because we went and bought the items on the registry that people didn't bring lol We were young and had nothing!

Whatever you chose, don't stress about it too much. Congrats!

vegasbride2015 · October 2014

Does everyone follow what is deemed "proper" etiquette anyhow? I know we don't in certain aspects of our wedding. Just sayin'.

destinationtake2 · October 2014

vegasbride2015 said:

Does everyone follow what is deemed "proper" etiquette anyhow? I know we don't in certain aspects of our wedding. Just sayin'.

I constantly, constantly think this but I have to remind myself that it will always come up on these boards. IRL, breaking traditions is happening all around us and the world keeps spinning. (Not saying that being outright rude is okay but I am just sayin' too! lol)

vegasgroom · October 2014

vegasbride2015 said:

Does everyone follow what is deemed "proper" etiquette anyhow? I know we don't in certain aspects of our wedding. Just sayin'.

I don't give much thought to whether others follow etiquette when we're invited to weddings or other events but it can be said that typically if you try to match up with your country's specific etiquette guidelines, chances are less people will take issue with something. There are only a few things that bug my wife and I.

For both of us, we think it's tacky and judge-worthy when people include registry info in the invites, but I'll take that a step further and say it's insulting when it's the FIRST thing in the invite. We got an invite a few weeks ago for a friend's wedding, and they had obviously spent a lot of money on the invites and envelopes. Then, before even the invite itself or the RSVP card, the very first thing you see when you fold open the envelope (it was a pocket invite) there's a Macy's registry card that had obviously been provided by Macy's, so it was just some cheap laser printer paper thing with the registry code, etc.. It's like really, you spent probably $5+ on each one of these beautiful invites and the first thing you want me to see is how I should go buy you a fucking gift from Macy's?

The thing that bugs my wife is when she receives invites or other communications from friends or family that address her as part of Mr & Mrs Vegasgroom or just Mrs Vegasgroom. She's an MD and her friends know she's been completing undergrad, med school and residency for over thirteen years now and still has another to go, so when her own close friends don't address formal invites with her formal title, it bugs her. People who aren't close, no big deal, but formal things from people that know her really well she finds insulting if they don't address them properly.

Finally, I find it tacky when people make a point to put 'cash bar' on the invite. I don't mind cash bars, I would prefer to have the option to buy drinks over a dry wedding, but whether or not your reception has booze doesn't seem like something that really needs to be on the same piece of paper announcing your holy matrimony lol.

AustralianSam · October 2014

oh dear vegasgroom - that is horrible - how did they not realise that tacky card would be the first thing people see?! I wouldn't include the store supplied one by any means! make your own to match if you must!

Im with you dbacksgirl - we used that exact statement in my son's baptism invites. better than writing "don't bring a gift"

Ndelible · October 2014

It's a "know your crowd" thing. Most issues that etiquette mavens champion have happened at all the weddings I've been to. Nobody batted an eye, except for long periods without food or drink and an ugly wedding dress. I always say, the two things people remember are the cake and the dress. You're lucky if anyone remembers anything else.

amelisha · October 2014

I'm not gonna tell anyone else what to do, but for me personally, with people buying a transborder plane ticket just to come to my wedding there is NO WAY I'm comfortable having any kind of registry or honey fund. I've had people ask about the registry already and I've just been like "if you bitches spend any more money on my wedding than I'm already making you spend, I'm buying you Christmas gifts of twice the amount. I love you and I know it was a big thing to ask you to fly to Vegas in the first place." But we've only invited our immediate family and best friends, so I think I get to be that blunt with them. And I WILL turn around and buy them something awesome if they try.

Ndelible · October 2014

I just had a client ask me if I was registered anywhere. There are people who are not invited to your wedding who want to give gifts. In those cases, they'd probably feel more comfortable giving a gift than cash. I don't get the thinking that only invited guests want to give presents. I do not see the correlation invitation = gift. I see happy event = gift. I also think that's why some people do not want to follow the shower only for invited guests. Some people see it as a chance to give a gift even though they are not invited to the wedding. Like I said before, it's a know your crowd thing.

dbacksgirl · October 2014

I set up an Amazon registry with mostly little items on it and only a couple of more expensive ones. There wasn't that much on it to begin with though and I only did it for the exact reason Ndelible mentioned: There will ALWAYS be people that want to buy gifts. I only direct people there though if they specifically ask me, "Where are you registered?" because that obviously means they want to purchase something as a gift for us. I figure if they are dead set on getting a present for us, they can choose something that won't cost much.

amelisha · October 2014

You guys must know more people that like you than I do, lol. I can't imagine anyone I didn't invite caring enough about my wedding to to buy me a gift. I mean, that's awesome, but I really doubt anyone is going to do that for me.

Ndelible · October 2014

amelisha said:

You guys must know more people that like you than I do, lol. I can't imagine anyone I didn't invite caring enough about my wedding to to buy me a gift. I mean, that's awesome, but I really doubt anyone is going to do that for me.

IDK if it's about more people caring, but most folk seem to be very aware that weddings cost an arm and a leg and not everyone can be invited. I also think that being on the older side changes it. It's a second marriage for both of us (I was married for two years when I was very young). I've been single for so long, I think people are just happy that I found someone! Pity presents. LOL

amelisha · October 2014

Ndelible said:

amelisha said:

You guys must know more people that like you than I do, lol. I can't imagine anyone I didn't invite caring enough about my wedding to to buy me a gift. I mean, that's awesome, but I really doubt anyone is going to do that for me.

IDK if it's about more people caring, but most folk seem to be very aware that weddings cost an arm and a leg and not everyone can be invited. I also think that being on the older side changes it. It's a second marriage for both of us (I was married for two years when I was very young). I've been single for so long, I think people are just happy that I found someone! Pity presents. LOL

I suppose we have small families, which means not a lot of relatives to care, but yeah, it never even occurred to me that some people get gifts from people who aren't invited. But we're 27 and get invited to a ton a weddings every year because it's just that age, so I guess I never thought to give a gift for a wedding I wasn't invited to, you know...I'd never remember even more weddings at this point without an invite!

I also don't think I've really mentioned my wedding to anyone I didn't invite, come to that. I'm allergic to talking about it IRL because everyone thinks there's something wrong with me thanks to the tiny size/no attendants/no dancing/no flowers/no outside photographer/$100 dress/etc etc. So tired of everyone judging me for wanting to make it cheap and low-key and easy that I've just stopped talking about it, haha.

Ndelible · October 2014

amelisha said:

amelisha said:

You guys must know more people that like you than I do, lol. I can't imagine anyone I didn't invite caring enough about my wedding to to buy me a gift. I mean, that's awesome, but I really doubt anyone is going to do that for me.

IDK if it's about more people caring, but most folk seem to be very aware that weddings cost an arm and a leg and not everyone can be invited. I also think that being on the older side changes it. It's a second marriage for both of us (I was married for two years when I was very young). I've been single for so long, I think people are just happy that I found someone! Pity presents. LOL
I suppose we have small families, which means not a lot of relatives to care, but yeah, it never even occurred to me that some people get gifts from people who aren't invited. But we're 27 and get invited to a ton a weddings every year because it's just that age, so I guess I never thought to give a gift for a wedding I wasn't invited to, you know...I'd never remember even more weddings at this point without an invite!

I also don't think I've really mentioned my wedding to anyone I didn't invite, come to that. I'm allergic to talking about it IRL because everyone thinks there's something wrong with me thanks to the tiny size/no attendants/no dancing/no flowers/no outside photographer/$100 dress/etc etc. So tired of everyone judging me for wanting to make it cheap and low-key and easy that I've just stopped talking about it, haha.

Stop now! There is nothing wrong with you. Deciding to have a low key wedding is what most of us should pick. Weddings are insanely expensive. As long as you have who you want to share the moment with you, no one should be throwing shade in good conscious.

laurenlozzy · October 2014

Wow thankyou all for replays and opinions. This idea was not for our guests who are travelling across the world for us but for our guests back in the uk at our reception. I appreciate all the advice and have to admit mums are always right!, x

Honeymoon fund/gift

Re: Honeymoon fund/gift

Choose Another Board

Search Boards