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Parents Separating

loveislouderloveislouder member
1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
in Chit Chat
HI guys,

Very sorry for the last thread about my parents' separation that was all garbled and nonsensical. I was... distraught to say the least. I'm hoping to get a little advice from people who have been this route before.

Is it okay to throw a little back story in here or just get to the point?

The point is I need help to know if what I'm feeling is normal. I haven't felt like this since my Grandma died. I'm not eating, I just want to stay in bed and sleep all the time. I want to talk to the people I want to talk to about it, and not be forced to talk to my family. I want stop being angry, but I feel like I'm allowed to be angry. I'm confused, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm hungry, but when I go to eat I throw up.

Anyone have any advice?
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Re: Parents Separating

  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Therapy. Seriously. 

    You're going to feel all these feelings (and they're all totally normal reactions) and it's best to have someone neutral you can talk to about them. 
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I also feel guilty for feeling like this because I'm an adult and adults should be able to control their emotions and not cry every 5 minutes.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    loveislouder said:
    I also feel guilty for feeling like this because I'm an adult and adults should be able to control their emotions and not cry every 5 minutes.
    Don't feel guilty. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you suddenly can't feel emotions anymore. This is all really fresh for you, too, so you're going to be a mess for a while, and that's OK. 
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  • LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    @loveislouder First of all - I know this is hard and I feel for you.   Secondly - your feelings are completely natural and right and are normal to be similar to the feelings you felt at the death of your Grandma.    You are grieving the death of your parents marriage - no physical being died - but a long standing practice that surrounded you with support and love is being torn apart.  It's perfectly ok and normal to grieve the death of the marriage.   Just remember that the marriage may be over, but the two people who love you are separate from the marriage and still do love you.   

    Feel the hurt, the anger, the sadness, and grieve the loss of what was there.   If you want to talk about it - do so.  Talk to your best friend, talk to your FI, and if you want an impartial person definitely speak to a therapist.   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean the divorce doesn't affect you.   It affects everyone.

    My thoughts are with you. 
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    loveislouder said:
    I also feel guilty for feeling like this because I'm an adult and adults should be able to control their emotions and not cry every 5 minutes.
    I do this all of the time. I cried almost all day yesterday. You are allowed to grieve this. It's a loss, a loss that noone expects or wants to have happen to them. I found out about my parents' divorce when I was 8. I grieved like a child would- not talking to people, acting out against my parents, and other behavioral problems. As an adult, it's expected to grieve by wanting privacy, showing emotions through crying, and feeling a bit depressed. Again, it's a loss. 

    I do recommend therapy as you can chat with someone who is unbiased and can help you walk through the stages of grief and offer suggestions on how to move forward with each parent. You can certainly vent on here as well!!!

    HUGS

     







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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    Don't feel sorry, and don't feel guilty. Yes, you are an adult, but you are still human. Sometimes we cannot control our emotions when something traumatic affects us, and sometimes we need to cry and let it all out. You are allowed to feel angry, and sad, and confused. This is a very hard and difficult time for you. Especially since you are about to embark on a marriage of your own.

     If you need to talk to anyone, you know that we are all here. Maybe therapy might help as well with dealing with your emotions. If you want to throw a little back story here and you think that will help, do so. We are all here for you and want to help you feel better. I'm sending you many hugs. It will take some time, but you will get through this.

    Edited to add paragraph
                                 Anniversary
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  • LittlePeachBlossomLittlePeachBlossom member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    I second therapy. Not a therapist but I think it's normal to be very upset. It's a big change and you're now grieving the relationship they had- it was all you knew. A therapist will help you sort out and understand your emotions. Just know that a separation doesn't invalidate the entire relationship. They had 30+ solid years of commitment and dedication to their family. That's love!

    Unfortunately, people grow apart sometimes. 


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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    esstee33 said:

    Therapy. Seriously. 


    You're going to feel all these feelings (and they're all totally normal reactions) and it's best to have someone neutral you can talk to about them. 
    agreed! therapy. I went to a few sessions when H and I were having issues. and I really want to go back bc it helped and I have more stuff to work out.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. and just bc you're an adult doesn't mean you're not allowed to have feelings and emotions. sometimes those feelings are just so overhwhelming and talking about it helps
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Agree with therapy.  Not necessarily a full-force lay on the couch type, but a therapist or social worker or even a priest/pastor who can help you sort out what is going on.  I firmly believe, having witnessed my step-siblings' reactions to their dad's divorce when they were adults, that parents separating is actually harder on grown kids than kid kids.  Your normal is changing, even if your parents have the cleanest and friendliest divorce in the world.  You get to be shell-shocked and upset and uncertain. I think that's why talking with a someone who isn't part of this is a great thing - you can get affirmation of your feelings and also told, when necessary, where to take a step back and say this isn't about me.

    I also recommend doing what you need to to create some space for yourself - let your friends know, take a personal day, cancel that thing you said yes to but really didn't want to do - and let yourself process everything.

    ETA: punctuation
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    Anniversary


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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2014
    PPs are right, you are grieving. My psychiatrist taught me about it when I was seeing her because of my own divorce. 

    There are five (or seven) stages of grief when dealing with a divorce, a death, or facing a terminal illness yourself: 
    Denial, 
    Pain and Fear, 
    Anger, 
    Bargaining, 
    Guilt,  
    Depression, 
     Acceptance 

    They don't necessarily come in that order. And you may experience several of them at the same time. If you google the stages of grief with divorce you will find more info about each stage. 

     So while what you're feeling is normal, you need help. Not being able to eat is not sustainable. It's a basic function that your body needs for survival. *hugs* 

    FFS TK PARAGRAPHS!
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, when I couldn't eat due to anxiety and depression (or was throwing up all the time) I drank ensure shakes or milkshakes to get SOME calories in my body. Chewing was an overwhelming and revolting task but drinking a shake was manageable and I could keep it down. Hope that works for you, too.
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  • princessofgenoviaprincessofgenovia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    You're grieving a loss, it's normal. And just because you are an adult doesn't mean you can't cry and have feelings of loss. I think all that is normal.

    And yes, talk to someone! A therapist is a good idea as they are a neutral person and are better trained to handle what you're going through then say maybe your friend. Not that you shouldn't talk to your friends too, they'll be helpful in their own right as well.

    My grandparents split up a few years ago. Technically it was my grandma and step-grandpa but they'd been together for almost 20 years, it really impacted my mom. Probably more then she expected. She was a teenager when they got together and a full grown adult when they split up, but it still hurt her and she was still upset. Hell I was upset (still am sometimes), but we grieved the loss of the relationship and it did get better.
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Having the feelings is totally normal! Being unable to function is the indicator that you could use some professional attention. It's like if your car hit a pothole and got its alignment messed up--it's a possible reaction to a bump in the road, but not one you would expect to get better on its own!

    Good luck, be well.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    MAYBE someone already said this, but you are grieving. You are doing things that I perceive (as a grief therapist) as being perfectly normal. You probably just have to let the emotions run their course. See a therapist if you think you need to, but I think you will be just fine with or without. Try to eat something, even if it's just drinking chicken broth. Turn to your FI for support and love. You don't have to talk about it. It's natural to want to sleep all the time. If it's still happening in a few months, that's when it becomes a problem and becomes worrisome. You experienced a very sad shock, and how you feel and how you are reacting is how many people feel and react. 

    You don't have to experience a death to experience grief. You will eventually feel like talking about it, and don't force yourself to see a therapist or anything until you are ready. A therapist won't be able to help you until you are ready to talk it out and work through it. 

    Many people are saying to rush off to see a professional, but I honestly believe you need time to grieve before doing so. See a therapist if you need to, but I see all the time people experiencing a death or loss or traumatic event and get diagnosed with depression right away from a doctor. You are not going to feel good right now. You are not going to be happy and normal. That's how grief works. Grief right now does not always mean chronic depression that you need a pill for. Pills are meant to be a last resort, which is why I'm advising to wait before seeing a true doctor. A therapist would be able to help you decide all that as well. 

    I'm not saying to not go to a doctor, but maybe give yourself some time before going. For all you know, you might be okay after crying and being sad for awhile. The way humans are built to deal with these emotions!
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    OP, you are grieving a loss.  Hugs and prayers to you.  I think talking this through with a therapist would be helpful, but I don't think this necessarily means you are clinically depressed.




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  • MollyandDMollyandD member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    My parents split when I was 17 and my sister was 11. My sister and I were both sad, but I took it much harder. I couldn't eat or sleep. I avoided my mom and dad as much as I could. It was terrible. I later learned that divorce of parents is much more difficult the older the child is. We get so used to things being a certain way. I thought my "perfect" family had just broken. It felt terrible.

    I'm very sorry for what you are feeling. I coped by talking to friends and busying myself with my own interests. I needed to have something to be "doing" so I could get better. I made craft items. I bought my first hedgehog and spent time caring for her and my dogs. I learned to bake pizza from scratch. I started exercising and found the freedom of that rush of endorphins. My advice is to find things to do to that make you feel some relief. I thought and processed my hurt feelings by doing these kinds of things. It may or may not work for you, but I do hope my advice gives you an idea of what may help you. 
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    CMGragain said:
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    Feeling awful because her parents are getting a divorce =/= clinical depression. That's a pretty serious assumption for you to make, and to recommend meds? Are you fucking kidding me? 
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    bellaluna290 said:
    CMGragain said:
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    You are not a medical professional to be able to diagnose clinical depression from two posts. Even if you were a medical professional, it would be highly unethical to do this.

    OP, I'm sorry that you are going through this tough time. I echo PP in saying to see a counselor/psychologist.
    No qualified physician would proscribe meds to someone based on internet posts.  That is WHY I told the OP to see a doctor.  The doctor will make the diagnosis.  Chances are still good that my hunch is correct, though.  Been there.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2014
    esstee33 said:
    CMGragain said:
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    Feeling awful because her parents are getting a divorce =/= clinical depression. That's a pretty serious assumption for you to make, and to recommend meds? Are you fucking kidding me? 
    You don't know me.  Unless you have recently changed your screen name, you are new, at least lately.
    It is normal for a person to feel awful during a traumatic family situation.  I should know.
    It is NOT normal to sleep all day, or eat small amounts of food and then vomit.  This is affecting OP's life and she needs to see a professional ASAP, preferably an MD.
    I have been dealing with INHERITED depression all my life.  All the counseling in the world won't make it go away.  My adult son also has it.  My daughter does not.  If you haven't experienced it, you have no idea how painful it is.  If I had my choice, right now, of having my inherited depression healed, or having my terminal cancer healed, I would choose the depression.  Everybody dies someday, but not everybody experiences clinical depression.
    @loveislouder, If you want to PM me, I'll be glad to elaborate, but I really think you should see a doctor if you don't feel better soon.  Hugs.
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    RajahBMFD said:
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It's one thing to summize that a poster has a medical condition when you have no medical training, but to recommend medications!? It's Fucking irresponsible. You have no idea if she's having any symptoms that warrant meds, let alone whether or not she has any past medical history that would make meds dangerous. You should not talk about things that you don't understand or have training in.
    You know nothing about me.
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  • slothiegalslothiegal member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    CMGragain said:
    RajahBMFD said:
    You have the signs of clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not just a bad mood, it is a physical condition.  It often accompanies serious loss.  It is worse than a bad case of flu, and can last much longer.  There is nothing weird about this.

    You need to see a doctor as soon as possible, possibly a psychiatrist who specializes in treating severe depression.  Even your GP can prescribe some medication that might help you get through this without making you sleepy or feeling drugged.  Most of the prozac family of meds take about two weeks to take effect, but when they do, you will have more energy, be more focused, and will think more clearly.  Get going!
    Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It's one thing to summize that a poster has a medical condition when you have no medical training, but to recommend medications!? It's Fucking irresponsible. You have no idea if she's having any symptoms that warrant meds, let alone whether or not she has any past medical history that would make meds dangerous. You should not talk about things that you don't understand or have training in.
    You know nothing about me.
    Oh Jesus Christ.  Just like you know nothing about OP.  (Besides, you tell us PLENTY.)

    loveislouder, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Other PP's have given you great advice.  Your feelings are completely valid and you're allowed to have them; I think some sort of counseling would be excellent.  Sending lots of love your way.
    Anniversary

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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am sorry you are going through this.  I also recommend seeing a counsellor or some other type of professional to help you through this time. 
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    First of all, OP, sending you lots of hugs. Seeing your parents go through this is hard no matter what age you are. You are strong and you will get through it.

    I think what you're feeling is reasonable. You've just experienced a traumatic life change. I don't think you need to run to the doctor. But if you continue to feel this way, a therapist can help you to sort through your feelings and navigate this change. They can also help determine whether you might benefit from medication, but in my (completely non-professional) opinion, that shouldn't be a first step.

    Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you. Enjoy some comfort food. Get a mani/pedi if you like, or spend time on a hobby. If you need space from your family, let yourself have that space.
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    You are in the process of grieving which is a good sign. Better than bottling it all up. Therapy can do some wonders for you! I didn't feel it so strongly when my parents got divorced after 34 years of marriage but it is different for everyone and the best way for you to deal with it is to talk about it. Crying is also a good release.
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Thank you everyone for your advice, thoughts and hugs.  FI and I are going to go away for a couple days and just be together but away from everything.  I am okay, as long as I am not alone.  The hour drive to and from work are actually brutal, but I ate some toast yesterday and feel a bit better.

    That being said, please don't jump down CMGragain's throat for her post.  Everyone here is just trying to help and give their opinion, and that was hers. When my mom's dad died the doctor at the hospital gave her prozac and she actually got to go to feel better.

    I plan to just take a couple days and see what comes from it. My bossman is amazing and said take whatever time I need, and I graciously took him up on the offer. If I'm still not better in a couple weeks I'll head to my GP and get her to check my levels to make sure my nutrients are up before I start any pills.

    You guys are all amazing and I'm so glad to have an internet family that cares about me too.

    You're the best, and if any of you are ever on my side of town, I'll take you out for poutine because I'm Canadian like that.


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