am i trippin or is my friend being a total bitch?

leideigh · October 2014

hi all, i need some outside opinions..... or probably just some reassurance/reality checks from people who don't know me personally.

soooooo i've had this one friend for almost 8 years, 4 of which we lived together. we've always been close, supportive of each other, etc. she's always the first to remember important stuff, stand up for me, volunteer to help, bla bla bla.

but since major changes started happening in my life (i moved out 4 years ago and in with my now-fiance a few miles away, i lost 70 pounds, i got my doctorate, got engaged, and am now getting married in hawaii and honeymooning in japan - ok my life is rad) she's become really kinda a bitch. our mutual friends know she's always been difficult, but a few years ago one pointed out that she's especially combative with me. i'm a mellow person, i don't like conflict, and honestly for most of the time i lived with her i was believing that i was the crazy one.

flash forward til now..... i am not having a bridal party, but she is of course invited to the wedding. my fiancé and i asked her to play guitar at our ceremony (she's a musician) and she agreed. then she shit on all our song suggestions and got mad at me for picking things that are too hard to play. so i relieved her of that duty.

she volunteered to come with me to find a gown.... which she did, was very supportive, excited, etc. more recently she got wishy washy about helping me learn how to bustle, etc. i've always been profuse in my thank-yous.

for my bachelorette, she wanted to plan a weekend away in vegas (we live in LA) and wanted to invite all kinds of people who aren't invited to the wedding....so pretty much an excuse to go to vegas. when that didn't happen, a few of us went out in hollywood, and she bitched the whole time about spending money.

mind you, this entire time, she's been bitching to me about everything, how much this and that costs, finding a place to stay, etc. NO ONE ELSE has said anything negative about this entire process.

sooooo here's me working with my planner in hawaii to put together welcome bags for the out of town visitors to be waiting for them at their hotels/vacation rentals... i wanted hers to be extra special since her birthday is happening the day she flies in. i asked her to give me the name and contact number of the person she rented the vacation rental from and she FLIPPED OUT..... totally shouted at me for being a demanding bitch, making her life difficult, being super self-centered, etc.

O_o really????

has any of you dealt with any of this kind of drama? i'm pretty much writing it off that she's jealous, insecure, stressed about other stuff, i asked her about the gift bag at the wrong time, etc. do you have similar experiences? am i being crazy? even my planner says i'm a super chill bride.... but this is serio getting to me.

/vent

Nymeru · October 2014

It sounds like she's being kind of nuts. I say, don't even worry about the gift bag if it's going to be that big of a deal. All I can say is, thank goodness you're not having a BP, or she'd probably be making your life even more drama-full than she currently is.

flantastic · October 2014

leideigh said:

hi all, i need some outside opinions..... or probably just some reassurance/reality checks from people who don't know me personally.

soooooo i've had this one friend for almost 8 years, 4 of which we lived together. we've always been close, supportive of each other, etc. she's always the first to remember important stuff, stand up for me, volunteer to help, bla bla bla.

but since major changes started happening in my life (i moved out 4 years ago and in with my now-fiance a few miles away, i lost 70 pounds, i got my doctorate, got engaged, and am now getting married in hawaii and honeymooning in japan - ok my life is rad) she's become really kinda a bitch. our mutual friends know she's always been difficult, but a few years ago one pointed out that she's especially combative with me. i'm a mellow person, i don't like conflict, and honestly for most of the time i lived with her i was believing that i was the crazy one.

flash forward til now..... i am not having a bridal party, but she is of course invited to the wedding. my fiancé and i asked her to play guitar at our ceremony (she's a musician) and she agreed. then she shit on all our song suggestions and got mad at me for picking things that are too hard to play. so i relieved her of that duty.

she volunteered to come with me to find a gown.... which she did, was very supportive, excited, etc. more recently she got wishy washy about helping me learn how to bustle, etc. i've always been profuse in my thank-yous.

for my bachelorette, she wanted to plan a weekend away in vegas (we live in LA) and wanted to invite all kinds of people who aren't invited to the wedding....so pretty much an excuse to go to vegas. when that didn't happen, a few of us went out in hollywood, and she bitched the whole time about spending money.

mind you, this entire time, she's been bitching to me about everything, how much this and that costs, finding a place to stay, etc. NO ONE ELSE has said anything negative about this entire process.

sooooo here's me working with my planner in hawaii to put together welcome bags for the out of town visitors to be waiting for them at their hotels/vacation rentals... i wanted hers to be extra special since her birthday is happening the day she flies in. i asked her to give me the name and contact number of the person she rented the vacation rental from and she FLIPPED OUT..... totally shouted at me for being a demanding bitch, making her life difficult, being super self-centered, etc.

O_o really????

has any of you dealt with any of this kind of drama? i'm pretty much writing it off that she's jealous, insecure, stressed about other stuff, i asked her about the gift bag at the wrong time, etc. do you have similar experiences? am i being crazy? even my planner says i'm a super chill bride.... but this is serio getting to me.

/vent

I'd like to offer advice (the gist I got was that your friend doesn't seem to have an obvious reason for acting this way, so she's probably jealous or has something else going on), but I'm having difficulty getting past the fact that you have a doctorate and yet choose to write an entire post without capital letters.

abbyj700 · October 2014

What @flantastic said!

And while I think your friend is kinda being shitty - I think you've gotta watch assuming this woman is jealous of you. You do sound like you have a great life, plenty of us do. Perhaps your friend does as well. Not everyone needs a doctorate to be happy and have a great life. Not everyone needs to get married to be happy and have a great life.

And something we always seem to echo on here - spend some time with her finding out how her life is, what she's doing, what she's excited about. Your wedding is the center of your world - it is not the center of hers.

And if she continues being crappy about the wedding - stop talking to her about it at length and inviting her to be a part of planning activities.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

Honestly, the way you talk about her even back when you were roommates makes it sound like she's kind of a mess. A normal person doesn't act in ways that make you think "it's just you." Also, why on earth would there be a "wrong time" to ask about where to deliver her gift bag? I mean, does that even make sense? And if a "wrong time" DID exist, how exactly were you to know when that time was? Are you a mind reader?

There is a saying that you just can't shop for lemons in a shoe store. This lady isn't going to give you the kind of friendship you're looking for, at least not in large doses (maybe she's a really good "going shopping" friend, for like 2 hours at a time). Stop looking to her for support. If you still want her in your life, you'll have to accept that she doesn't have "super duper BFF" qualities to offer you.

And if she freaks out at you for asking a simple question? Please, for the love of god, stand up for yourself and say "Wow. I was actually trying to deliver a nice gift bag for your birthday. Sorry for being so selfish, though. Won't happen again." And sashay the fuck outta there with your head held high.

novella1186 · October 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Honestly, the way you talk about her even back when you were roommates makes it sound like she's kind of a mess. A normal person doesn't act in ways that make you think "it's just you." Also, why on earth would there be a "wrong time" to ask about where to deliver her gift bag? I mean, does that even make sense? And if a "wrong time" DID exist, how exactly were you to know when that time was? Are you a mind reader?

There is a saying that you just can't shop for lemons in a shoe store. This lady isn't going to give you the kind of friendship you're looking for, at least not in large doses (maybe she's a really good "going shopping" friend, for like 2 hours at a time). Stop looking to her for support. If you still want her in your life, you'll have to accept that she doesn't have "super duper BFF" qualities to offer you.

And if she freaks out at you for asking a simple question? Please, for the love of god, stand up for yourself and say "Wow. I was actually trying to deliver a nice gift bag for your birthday. Sorry for being so selfish, though. Won't happen again." And sashay the fuck outta there with your head held high.

This. I had a friend who acted like this. Knew her for 20 years and she just got even shittier over time. Our mutual friends stopped talking to her and couldn't figure out why I still put up with her BS. It was always like she and I were in fierce competition over EVERYTHING and I never knew why (like when I had my skin cancer scare, instead of offering me any kind of support or sympathy, she insisted she had skin cancer too and went to my same dermatologist, tested negative, but continued to cry and whine that she was at a higher risk than me and she was more upset than me, etc. It was effing bizarre). It took me a long time to realize she was never going to be the true friend that I wanted her to be, and there was nothing I could do about it, so I quit talking to her two years ago and she's totally out of my life. Do I miss her? Nope.

thisismynickname2 · October 2014

KatieinBkln said:

Honestly, the way you talk about her even back when you were roommates makes it sound like she's kind of a mess. A normal person doesn't act in ways that make you think "it's just you." Also, why on earth would there be a "wrong time" to ask about where to deliver her gift bag? I mean, does that even make sense? And if a "wrong time" DID exist, how exactly were you to know when that time was? Are you a mind reader?

There is a saying that you just can't shop for lemons in a shoe store. This lady isn't going to give you the kind of friendship you're looking for, at least not in large doses (maybe she's a really good "going shopping" friend, for like 2 hours at a time). Stop looking to her for support. If you still want her in your life, you'll have to accept that she doesn't have "super duper BFF" qualities to offer you.

And if she freaks out at you for asking a simple question? Please, for the love of god, stand up for yourself and say "Wow. I was actually trying to deliver a nice gift bag for your birthday. Sorry for being so selfish, though. Won't happen again." And sashay the fuck outta there with your head held high.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but if you were better friends before your life changes, I'd chalk it up more to just growing apart. She liked the person you were, not the person you are now. People come and go in life like seasons. Perhaps her season with you has ended.

Second bolded: love that response!

First bolded: Off topic but yeah, there's a wrong time to ask about a gift bag. I got engaged the night before my 30th birthday. I made the important phone calls, updated Facebook, and this chick's message to me on my birthday was, "Are you booking in our hotel block? I'm trying to plan for the block and gift bags." No happy birthday, no congrats on the engagement, just an inquiry about her own wedding. I didn't reply to her for a couple days.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

thisismynickname said:

KatieinBkln said:

Honestly, the way you talk about her even back when you were roommates makes it sound like she's kind of a mess. A normal person doesn't act in ways that make you think "it's just you." Also, why on earth would there be a "wrong time" to ask about where to deliver her gift bag? I mean, does that even make sense? And if a "wrong time" DID exist, how exactly were you to know when that time was? Are you a mind reader?

There is a saying that you just can't shop for lemons in a shoe store. This lady isn't going to give you the kind of friendship you're looking for, at least not in large doses (maybe she's a really good "going shopping" friend, for like 2 hours at a time). Stop looking to her for support. If you still want her in your life, you'll have to accept that she doesn't have "super duper BFF" qualities to offer you.

And if she freaks out at you for asking a simple question? Please, for the love of god, stand up for yourself and say "Wow. I was actually trying to deliver a nice gift bag for your birthday. Sorry for being so selfish, though. Won't happen again." And sashay the fuck outta there with your head held high.

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but if you were better friends before your life changes, I'd chalk it up more to just growing apart. She liked the person you were, not the person you are now. People come and go in life like seasons. Perhaps her season with you has ended.

Second bolded: love that response!
First bolded: Off topic but yeah, there's a wrong time to ask about a gift bag. I got engaged the night before my 30th birthday. I made the important phone calls, updated Facebook, and this chick's message to me on my birthday was, "Are you booking in our hotel block? I'm trying to plan for the block and gift bags." No happy birthday, no congrats on the engagement, just an inquiry about her own wedding. I didn't reply to her for a couple days.

Okay, okay, that was a little tone deaf. I guess my point was that people usually shouldn't be assholes when someone is trying to give them a gift, even if it is a "gift bag." It's also notable that you did what all emotionally mature adults do, and just felt annoyed and waited a bit before responding. You did not have a freak-out to your friend about how SELFISH she is. Cookie for you! ETF boxes, but they won't be fixed. @beethery remember when you told me how to fix this shit by clicking the little formatting box? I forgot.

beethery · October 2014

@katieinbkln ima fix it for you. Call me the formatting fairy.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

beethery said:

@katieinbkln ima fix it for you. Call me the formatting fairy.

YOU ARE A WIZARD.

beethery · October 2014

For the future, you have to remove the normal styling thing. It likes to append it to the beginning of the post for some reason. (the reason is to make me mad)

it looks like <span style="normal" something something>. When you remove it, it even changes the size of the formatting box. Shit's weeeeiiiirrrd.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

beethery said:

For the future, you have to remove the normal styling thing. It likes to append it to the beginning of the post for some reason. (the reason is to make me mad)

it looks like <span style="normal" something something>. When you remove it, it even changes the size of the formatting box. Shit's weeeeiiiirrrd.

Thank you!

hellohkb · October 2014

I'm sad OP never came back

leideigh · October 2014

oh hey here i am! sorry took time off to get married!

and yes, as a doctor, i capitalize whenever i want

thanks everyone for your feedback and input.... yes my bitchiest friend was just being her total bitch self. luckily she laid off the bitchiness and really came through for the wedding events.... and she loved her gift basket. she really mellowed out and we talked about how this isn't about her.... she kinda pulled a parent move, thinking i was "leaving" her once i got married.... it came from a place of insecurity and jealousy, as well as uncertainty on her part. all good now. plus my sensitivity and personalization made it hard to deal with.

but yes for you peeps dealing with similar situations.... smile and nod and try not to take it personally.... if your bitchy friend wants to talk it out, awesome! (and try not to gloat) if not, suck it up and move on.

thanks again everyone

irishfly · October 2014

I don't have much advice but to say "bye Felicia" and make her a guest and give her no details. Just an invitation and a hug when she shows up to your wedding.

hellohkb · October 2014

Thanks for updating us! I'm glad it worked out.

hellohkb · October 2014

irishfly said:
I don't have much advice but to say "bye Felicia" and make her a guest and give her no details. Just an invitation and a hug when she shows up to your wedding.

The wedding already happened.

am i trippin or is my friend being a total bitch?

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