Money talk with families any advice?

chloe97 · October 2014

So my FI and I are in our mid 30s and we can afford to pay for our own relatively modest wedding, though it would make our finances very tight.

Our families are VERY different when it comes to spending. Though my parents are financially secure, they are now fully retired and are really cutting back on their spending and in general are just cheap people. My FI parents are still working and making very good money. They regularly pay for us to go on vacations and buy us expensive gifts.

We are getting ready to broach the "would you like to contribute and how much would you like to contribute conversation" and I need some advice on how best to handle this. What I don't want are the following scenarios-

1.) My parents offer to pay for the majority of the wedding and require us to cut back our initial thoughts and require us to have a cash bar or other etiquette violations that I do not feel comfortable with.
2.) FILs pay for the majority of the wedding and require that it be more extravagant than we were thinking, making my parents feel uncomfortable
3.) Both offer to pay for parts of the wedding and bicker (through us) about details that one feel are extravagant and the other feels are too cheap. One side feels bad b/c they obviously contributed less than the other etc etc.

My thoughts is to go forward with our own budget and ask them how much if any they would like to contribute, emphasizing that we will not take more than 1/3rd of the wedding cost from either set of parents. We make it clear that it is our wedding and that we will be deciding all of the details, but ask them to give us direction on what is important to them ahead of time. If it's important to them that we have a band and that is all they care about- great, etc etc. I want to make it clear that this is our wedding, but recognize that this is a very important day to them as well.

Does my plan sound reasonable? Any advice from those who have had a similar experience on how to broach this conversation?

Thanks!

Maggie0829 · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

So my FI and I are in our mid 30s and we can afford to pay for our own relatively modest wedding, though it would make our finances very tight.

Our families are VERY different when it comes to spending. Though my parents are financially secure, they are now fully retired and are really cutting back on their spending and in general are just cheap people. My FI parents are still working and making very good money. They regularly pay for us to go on vacations and buy us expensive gifts.

We are getting ready to broach the "would you like to contribute and how much would you like to contribute conversation" and I need some advice on how best to handle this. What I don't want are the following scenarios-

1.) My parents offer to pay for the majority of the wedding and require us to cut back our initial thoughts and require us to have a cash bar or other etiquette violations that I do not feel comfortable with.
2.) FILs pay for the majority of the wedding and require that it be more extravagant than we were thinking, making my parents feel uncomfortable
3.) Both offer to pay for parts of the wedding and bicker (through us) about details that one feel are extravagant and the other feels are too cheap. One side feels bad b/c they obviously contributed less than the other etc etc.

My thoughts is to go forward with our own budget and ask them how much if any they would like to contribute, emphasizing that we will not take more than 1/3rd of the wedding cost from either set of parents. We make it clear that it is our wedding and that we will be deciding all of the details, but ask them to give us direction on what is important to them ahead of time. If it's important to them that we have a band and that is all they care about- great, etc etc. I want to make it clear that this is our wedding, but recognize that this is a very important day to them as well.

Does my plan sound reasonable? Any advice from those who have had a similar experience on how to broach this conversation?

Thanks!

You should not broach this subject at all. You never ask people if they are going to contribute. If your parents your FI parents want to contribute then they will offer.

And money has strings so if your parents do contribute to your wedding and end up paying for most of it then they have a say over what the plans are. If you want to keep your vision and control then don't accept any money from anyone.

chloe97 · October 2014

They have both made it clear that they have opinions about the wedding (which to us seemed like an offer of $$ along with it) and we have made it clear that we weren't ready to have that conversation yet. We aren't calling them up to ask for money, just finally having a conversation that they tried to start after our engagement.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

They have both made it clear that they have opinions about the wedding (which to us seemed like an offer of $$ along with it) and we have made it clear that we weren't ready to have that conversation yet. We aren't calling them up to ask for money, just finally having a conversation that they tried to start after our engagement.

I would not assume that. Of course they will have opinions on your wedding, they are your parents. But just because they have an opinion doesn't mean that opinion comes with an offer of money. You should not have this conversation. If they want to continue to express their opinion they can and you can decide whether or not to listen to their opinions. If they want to offer up money they will tell you directly.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

Even if it were possible to bring up this topic yourselves without being rude, I think you're probably overthinking it. Plan the wedding you can afford to pay for, and if other people want to pay for something specific, great. If they want to cut you a check for a lump sum, great. But no one needs to know what your wedding budget is except for you and your fiance. Sure, your parents could take a look at the glorious champagne fountain (or whatever) and realize that there's no way their modest budget covered it, but ultimately that's their problem to deal with if it bothers them. As far as etiquette breaches borne of cheapness go: you don't have to have an etiquette breach at your wedding. There are things you can put your foot down on. The catch? You have to be willing to have your bluff called; i.e. you have to be able to pay for whatever Thing you're rejecting from your parents by yourself.

chloe97 · October 2014

So basically what I am hearing is that there is no way to avoid the hurt feelings and drama if you take money from your families? It's just going to happen and I shouldn't try to control the situation? There is absolutely nothing you can do about it without being rude?

KatieinBkln · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

So basically what I am hearing is that there is no way to avoid the hurt feelings and drama if you take money from your families? It's just going to happen and I shouldn't try to control the situation? There is absolutely nothing you can do about it without being rude?

If that is what you're hearing, then you aren't reading very closely, I'm afraid. The rude thing would be to broach the "how much money" subject yourself, not the managing of feelings. The truth is that you take money from your family, there are always certain "strings." What those strings are depend on your particular families, their temperaments, and their level of interest in wedding minutiae. It sounds like you're a little worried about your parents' reaction to things if you end up having a more lavish wedding than the one they could afford to give you. That is a relationship/interpersonal thing, not a "money conversation" thing. If they happen to offer you any money and ask what your FI's parents have given you, you don't have to give them a particular number or anything. You can keep it vague by saying "they generously offered to pitch in, so between their contribution, your generous gift, and our savings, we should have enough for a really lovely wedding." Just keep the total budget to yourself, KWIM?

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Since you're in the very early stages of planning and you haven't accepted any money from anyone you basically have a blank slate. If someone gives you money toward the wedding, they get a say. As you can probably imagine, when the couple has a vision and the sets of parents have different expectations and values, it usually turns into a cluster and brides come here in disaster mode. To avoid that, pay for the wedding yourselves. If you pay for it 100% yourselves, your respective parents may have opinions but you are totally within your right to say "hm, thanks for the idea" and ignore them. This may result in a smaller wedding but for peace of mind, it's worth it. I should also mention that I agree with Maggie and Kate that unless your folks come to you and say "we want to give you $xxxx for your wedding" then your should not bring it up.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

So basically what I am hearing is that there is no way to avoid the hurt feelings and drama if you take money from your families? It's just going to happen and I shouldn't try to control the situation? There is absolutely nothing you can do about it without being rude?

You completely missed the two points made. The first point is that you shouldn't ask people for money. The second point is that, if you do accept a gift of money from someone, then expect that person to want input on how that money is going to be used.

CMGragain · October 2014

If you want to control your wedding plans, then you should pay for your wedding yourself. Most weddings plans start with the budget, then the guest list. You don't even have a budget set, but you are talking about live bands? Whoa! FIRST establish your budget. If your parents offer you money, you may accept it if you can live with the conditions. Otherwise, pay for the whole thing yourself and forget about luxuries like live bands. No fair taking their money and whining about the conditions!
Lots of people have lovely weddings with very little money.

chloe97 · October 2014

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

jenna8984 · October 2014

I agree here, you should not approach them and ask. When people want to contribute they will find a way to make that happen.

When I got engaged my father said "well I guess as the father of the bride, I feel comfortable giving you this much for your wedding."

I actually said "Thank you so much, but we don't expect that from you and we fully plan to pay for everything."

The night of my wedding, he secretly went to the restaurant staff and paid the bill. (It was a normal restaurant so payment wasn't due prior). I was shocked when he did that. My point is, if they want to give you money, they will. Just start planning based on your own money what you can afford and if they happen to pitch in at the end like pay the florist bill or whatever that's great.

beethery · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

Say thank you. As you are looking at options for different things (flowers, food, venue, etc), and someone who has offered up money asks how planning is going, say something like, "Well, I checked this venue's website and it seems really nice. Would you like a link so that you could look at it?" or "I love this florist, what do you think?"

If they look at X and offer to put money towards it, there you go. Just be super gracious the whole time. Also, if they pay for something like the venue or food, they have a very big say in the guest list.

Also, don't plan anything that you couldn't pay for yourself, just in case anyone gets huffy about something and you're not willing to compromise.

zitiqueen · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

Who gives a shit about what your FMIL wants? Right now is the time to establish boundaries for the future -- that you and your FI will make your own decisions.

Where is your FI in all of this, anyway? Your posts all make it sound like you'll be the one doing all of the communicating and laying down of the law. He's the one who should be dealing with his family while you deal with yours.

CMGragain · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

No, you do not have a budget set if you don't know how much might be contributed by the parents. Right now, you need to proceed as if you will be paying for your wedding yourselves. IF parents offer money, then your budget can change, but, as I understand you, that hasn't happened yet, and might not happen at all.
Don't ask them for money.
Who told you that planning a wedding was supposed to be drama free? Nobody's is!

perdonami · October 2014

CMGragain said:

Knottie02344586 said:

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

No, you do not have a budget set if you don't know how much might be contributed by the parents. Right now, you need to proceed as if you will be paying for your wedding yourselves. IF parents offer money, then your budget can change, but, as I understand you, that hasn't happened yet, and might not happen at all.
Don't ask them for money.
Who told you that planning a wedding was supposed to be drama free? Nobody's is!

I am going to have to agree with @CMGragain here. No matter what you do or how gracious you are, there will be drama. I don't know what it is about weddings but people take them way too personal sometimes. Spend a few minutes perusing these threads and you will see that there is a lot of ridiculousness that occurs whilst planning a wedding.

Someone from these forums once told me that weddings bring the worst and the best out of people. Be prepared and try not to take the planning process so seriously.

As for your original question, refrain from asking about contributions until they offer. Once the offer is made, make sure that you accomodate some of their requests within reason and if this is a serious worry for you, don't accept the money by kindly declining their generosity. PPs already gave some excellent advice.

Good luck and happy planning!

artbyallie · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

We are getting ready to broach the "would you like to contribute and how much would you like to contribute conversation" and I need some advice on how best to handle this. What I don't want are the following scenarios-

^^This does not make it sound like they have offered.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

I do have a budget set, I just didn't mention it because this post is not about my budget, its about the people who contribute to this budget.

Just to clarify to the people still accusing me of being rude: my question is about how to respond when people offer to help pay for your wedding.

If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.

However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.

If your FMIL is rude to you and your FI about how you choose to spend YOUR money and tries to dictate what you do with it, then she is rude. If it's not HER money, she doesn't get to decide what alcohol (if any) you serve or who you invite. If it IS her money, then she gets a say - from stories people tell here, that's when it can get really sticky.

There's a saying that "weddings and babies bring out the crazies." Most wedding planning isn't totally drama free, even if the couple is footing 100% of the bill.

My ILs didn't contribute a dime to our wedding and wanted to invite all kinds of random people H hadn't seen in years (or even met). Yea, not happening. We said "you have X slots to fill. Fill them however you want." We were able to say that because it wasn't their money. Technically we didn't have to give them any slots, but we did. They whined and complained but we just repeated the message until they realized they weren't getting anywhere.

antibride2013 · October 2014

I would love to know why you would be even contemplating asking your parents and FI's parents for money for your party when you are in your MID 30's?!?!? Seriously? Your parents are retired and as you said they have cut back their living expenses to enjoy their retirement and you want their precious money to fund your unnecessary party?

Grow up.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

They have both made it clear that they have opinions about the wedding (which to us seemed like an offer of $$ along with it) and we have made it clear that we weren't ready to have that conversation yet. We aren't calling them up to ask for money, just finally having a conversation that they tried to start after our engagement.

My husbands family did the same thing. Started offering opinions and writing up their guest list the moment we got engaged. They never offered a dime and we never asked. So when MIL wanted to go pick a venue, H politely declined. We planned what WE could afford. The beauty of that is of course that you don't have to listen to anyone else's opinions! Yay!

MIL and FIL ended up offering to pay for our rehearsal dinner. At that point, I didn't want to plan one more thing, and we agreed they could host. That meant they picked everything. The place, the menu, everything. It was not what I would have chosen, but it was perfectly nice. That's the trade-off, if someone else is paying then they get to help plan. But I do think it helps when $$ is for something very specific. If your MIL offers to contribute and feels very strongly about a top-shelf open bar for instance, then she can make those decisions and pay for it. In my opinion that doesn't give her free reign over the rest of the plans, just the bar.

chloe97 · October 2014

Thank you to most of you, this is helpful! I am fairly certain that we will turn down any $$ offers we receive from our families based on this advice.

Part of the reason for this question is that my FI is deathly scared of wedding planning and the conflict that arises. He had been engaged before and it was a HUGE cluster&^%$. The engagement ended for other reasons, but his ex-FI's craziness and the family's craziness around wedding planning certainly contributed to their demise. Before we got engaged he had said "I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I am absolutely dreading planning a wedding." I've tried to ensure him over and over again that we can do it with minimal conflict. Now I am just trying to figure out how to do that and seeking advice from this board in the matter.

We would love to have a smaller, intimate wedding of about 75-100 people. Unfortunately, we are both from HUGE families. He is particularly close to some aunts, uncles, and cousins and I am particularly close to aunts and cousins and we would both not feel right getting married without them there. Because we are getting married in our 30's all the cousins have SOs that need to be invited as well. We don't feel comfortable inviting some aunts, uncles and cousins and not others. Anyway, this brings our guestlist to about 250 when you factor in our close friends. We may be able to cut some friends and bring our list to 200, but that is going to be hard. So anyway, paying for this going to be a stretch for our budget.

And to the person who thinks it's insane that I would even think of accepting $$ from my retired parents- even when your daughter is getting married in your 30's, many parent's still feel like they would like to "host" the day per the old tradition. I've had friends in the 40's whose parents have paid for their entire wedding. Everyone's financial/family situation is different, I don't think we need to be judging people who accept money from their parents later in life.

Liatris2010 · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

Thank you to most of you, this is helpful! I am fairly certain that we will turn down any $$ offers we receive from our families based on this advice.

Part of the reason for this question is that my FI is deathly scared of wedding planning and the conflict that arises. He had been engaged before and it was a HUGE cluster&^%$. The engagement ended for other reasons, but his ex-FI's craziness and the family's craziness around wedding planning certainly contributed to their demise. Before we got engaged he had said "I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I am absolutely dreading planning a wedding." I've tried to ensure him over and over again that we can do it with minimal conflict. Now I am just trying to figure out how to do that and seeking advice from this board in the matter.

We would love to have a smaller, intimate wedding of about 75-100 people. Unfortunately, we are both from HUGE families. He is particularly close to some aunts, uncles, and cousins and I am particularly close to aunts and cousins and we would both not feel right getting married without them there. Because we are getting married in our 30's all the cousins have SOs that need to be invited as well. We don't feel comfortable inviting some aunts, uncles and cousins and not others. Anyway, this brings our guestlist to about 250 when you factor in our close friends. We may be able to cut some friends and bring our list to 200, but that is going to be hard. So anyway, paying for this going to be a stretch for our budget.

And to the person who thinks it's insane that I would even think of accepting $$ from my retired parents- even when your daughter is getting married in your 30's, many parent's still feel like they would like to "host" the day per the old tradition. I've had friends in the 40's whose parents have paid for their entire wedding. Everyone's financial/family situation is different, I don't think we need to be judging people who accept money from their parents later in life.

If this is the case, I wouldn't discuss wedding planning with anyone at all. If FILs ask about it, say you've got it covered. Don't ask anyone for money, and don't accept money, because it always come with strings and it sounds like the FILs want to play puppet.

Since you have a big guest list and are worried about the bar bill, have a daytime wedding. Food is cheaper, people are less likely to miss alcohol and if it is provided will drink less than an evening wedding.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

If he had a terrible experience wedding planning and broke off the engagement, you need to keep this as drama free as possible. Definitely pay for it yourselves. And here's how to "bean dip":

FILs/your parents: You need to have a full, top shelf bar.

You: Thanks for the thought. We're having a dry wedding/serving beer and wine only. Wow, what did you put in this bean dip? It's delicious!

FILs/your parents: But you need to have everything! You MUST have a full bar!

You: Did you use salsa in this bean dip? The flavor is great.

FILs/your parents: FULL BAR! FULL BAR!! FULL BAR!!!

You: Could you please send me your bean dip recipe? Thanks! Please excuse me...

Bean dipping got me through a lot of wedding planning. Good luck!

antibride2013 · October 2014

Knottie02344586 said:

Thank you to most of you, this is helpful! I am fairly certain that we will turn down any $$ offers we receive from our families based on this advice.

Part of the reason for this question is that my FI is deathly scared of wedding planning and the conflict that arises. He had been engaged before and it was a HUGE cluster&^%$. The engagement ended for other reasons, but his ex-FI's craziness and the family's craziness around wedding planning certainly contributed to their demise. Before we got engaged he had said "I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I am absolutely dreading planning a wedding." I've tried to ensure him over and over again that we can do it with minimal conflict. Now I am just trying to figure out how to do that and seeking advice from this board in the matter.

We would love to have a smaller, intimate wedding of about 75-100 people. Unfortunately, we are both from HUGE families. He is particularly close to some aunts, uncles, and cousins and I am particularly close to aunts and cousins and we would both not feel right getting married without them there. Because we are getting married in our 30's all the cousins have SOs that need to be invited as well. We don't feel comfortable inviting some aunts, uncles and cousins and not others. Anyway, this brings our guestlist to about 250 when you factor in our close friends. We may be able to cut some friends and bring our list to 200, but that is going to be hard. So anyway, paying for this going to be a stretch for our budget.

And to the person who thinks it's insane that I would even think of accepting $$ from my retired parents- even when your daughter is getting married in your 30's, many parent's still feel like they would like to "host" the day per the old tradition. I've had friends in the 40's whose parents have paid for their entire wedding. Everyone's financial/family situation is different, I don't think we need to be judging people who accept money from their parents later in life.

That would be me who said the bolded. My H and I are both physicians. I have two boys and I don't care how old they are when they get married, I will not contribute anything to their weddings besides love and support. They both know how we feel about money. Hell I didn't want to spend a single penny on my own wedding! Your said that your parents cut back on their lifestyle because they are retired and have become "cheap". Your parents are being fiscally responsible. Even if they offered I would decline the offer because you are taking away money from their retirement. Your parents have not said they want to host anything. You want to ask them for money and it seems your story is changing once everyone said that asking others to fund your party is a HUGE No No.

Host the wedding You and FI can afford and leave the parents alone.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I think the easiest way to bring up the topic is by asking them for their list of who they would like to invite. Then let them know that based on the budget you have established for yourself that you can only allot them xx number of guests. If they want to contribute to the wedding, that opens things up for them to go, we would like to contribute your wedding & give $x.xx for you to help out." If they don't say anything to that extent, then just assume you are on your own for paying for everything.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Erikan73 said:

I think the easiest way to bring up the topic is by asking them for their list of who they would like to invite. Then let them know that based on the budget you have established for yourself that you can only allot them xx number of guests. If they want to contribute to the wedding, that opens things up for them to go, we would like to contribute your wedding & give $x.xx for you to help out." If they don't say anything to that extent, then just assume you are on your own for paying for everything.

Um, this is really manipulative. Why would you ask them for their entire guest list when you know full well you can only afford to host X amount of people? And you know full well you can afford afford to give them X amount of slots?

This is the type of tactic that insights drama.

jenijoyk · October 2014

I agree with everyone above that said if they want to contribute, they will find a way and make it clear. So clear that you will not be able to describe it as either 'hinting' or 'implying' that they want to help.

After FI proposed, both sets of parents were super excited and both sets made vague comments about guests and money and whatnot. We just smiled and bean dipped because they were just vague comments. Then my dad said something slightly less vague like, "You know we want to help with the wedding right? It's traditional that we pay." To which I responded, "Oh dad! That's so, so sweet. But seriously, you don't have to do that. We can totally do this on our own. We're in our 30s." About a week later, Dad called me up and said definitively and with authority (and with specificity), "Mom and I have talked this week and gone over the numbers and we absolutely want to contribute $X to your wedding." To which I said, "Are you serious? For reals? Oh my god. That is the nicest thing ever. Oh my god. I can't wait to tell FI. I'm blown away. Thank you." FI's parents did basically the same thing. This is what your parents will do too, if they want to contribute.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

antibride2013 said:

Knottie02344586 said:

Thank you to most of you, this is helpful! I am fairly certain that we will turn down any $$ offers we receive from our families based on this advice.

Part of the reason for this question is that my FI is deathly scared of wedding planning and the conflict that arises. He had been engaged before and it was a HUGE cluster&^%$. The engagement ended for other reasons, but his ex-FI's craziness and the family's craziness around wedding planning certainly contributed to their demise. Before we got engaged he had said "I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I am absolutely dreading planning a wedding." I've tried to ensure him over and over again that we can do it with minimal conflict. Now I am just trying to figure out how to do that and seeking advice from this board in the matter.

We would love to have a smaller, intimate wedding of about 75-100 people. Unfortunately, we are both from HUGE families. He is particularly close to some aunts, uncles, and cousins and I am particularly close to aunts and cousins and we would both not feel right getting married without them there. Because we are getting married in our 30's all the cousins have SOs that need to be invited as well. We don't feel comfortable inviting some aunts, uncles and cousins and not others. Anyway, this brings our guestlist to about 250 when you factor in our close friends. We may be able to cut some friends and bring our list to 200, but that is going to be hard. So anyway, paying for this going to be a stretch for our budget.

And to the person who thinks it's insane that I would even think of accepting $$ from my retired parents- even when your daughter is getting married in your 30's, many parent's still feel like they would like to "host" the day per the old tradition. I've had friends in the 40's whose parents have paid for their entire wedding. Everyone's financial/family situation is different, I don't think we need to be judging people who accept money from their parents later in life.

That would be me who said the bolded. My H and I are both physicians. I have two boys and I don't care how old they are when they get married, I will not contribute anything to their weddings besides love and support. They both know how we feel about money. Hell I didn't want to spend a single penny on my own wedding! Your said that your parents cut back on their lifestyle because they are retired and have become "cheap". Your parents are being fiscally responsible. Even if they offered I would decline the offer because you are taking away money from their retirement. Your parents have not said they want to host anything. You want to ask them for money and it seems your story is changing once everyone said that asking others to fund your party is a HUGE No No.

Host the wedding You and FI can afford and leave the parents alone.

That is fine if that is how you wish to support your children in the future. But you shouldn't generalize all retirees. My parents paid for my wedding and they are retired. They did so because they wanted to. I didn't feel like I was taking anything away from their retirement because they had planned to pay for my wedding since I was born. Of course I did not ask them if they would pay for it, they offered, but still just because you won't pay for your children's weddings doesn't mean that that is how everyone feels.

In OPs case, maybe her parents would like to contribute to her wedding. But OP shouldn't ask them, they instead should offer. But just because her parents are retired and said they are "cutting back" doesn't mean that they automatically cannot afford to give their daughter money or automatically don't want to contribute. They may have planned their financials appropriately where they have cut back but still put $X amount aside just in case their kid did get married one day.

Money talk with families any advice?

Re: Money talk with families any advice?

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