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Budget Weddings Forum
chloe97
member
Money talk with families any advice?
So my FI and I are in our mid 30s and we can afford to pay for our own relatively modest wedding, though it would make our finances very tight.
Our families are VERY different when it comes to spending. Though my parents are financially secure, they are now fully retired and are really cutting back on their spending and in general are just cheap people. My FI parents are still working and making very good money. They regularly pay for us to go on vacations and buy us expensive gifts.
We are getting ready to broach the "would you like to contribute and how much would you like to contribute conversation" and I need some advice on how best to handle this. What I don't want are the following scenarios-
1.) My parents offer to pay for the majority of the wedding and require us to cut back our initial thoughts and require us to have a cash bar or other etiquette violations that I do not feel comfortable with.
2.) FILs pay for the majority of the wedding and require that it be more extravagant than we were thinking, making my parents feel uncomfortable
3.) Both offer to pay for parts of the wedding and bicker (through us) about details that one feel are extravagant and the other feels are too cheap. One side feels bad b/c they obviously contributed less than the other etc etc.
My thoughts is to go forward with our own budget and ask them how much if any they would like to contribute, emphasizing that we will not take more than 1/3rd of the wedding cost from either set of parents. We make it clear that it is our wedding and that we will be deciding all of the details, but ask them to give us direction on what is important to them ahead of time. If it's important to them that we have a band and that is all they care about- great, etc etc. I want to make it clear that this is our wedding, but recognize that this is a very important day to them as well.
Our families are VERY different when it comes to spending. Though my parents are financially secure, they are now fully retired and are really cutting back on their spending and in general are just cheap people. My FI parents are still working and making very good money. They regularly pay for us to go on vacations and buy us expensive gifts.
We are getting ready to broach the "would you like to contribute and how much would you like to contribute conversation" and I need some advice on how best to handle this. What I don't want are the following scenarios-
1.) My parents offer to pay for the majority of the wedding and require us to cut back our initial thoughts and require us to have a cash bar or other etiquette violations that I do not feel comfortable with.
2.) FILs pay for the majority of the wedding and require that it be more extravagant than we were thinking, making my parents feel uncomfortable
3.) Both offer to pay for parts of the wedding and bicker (through us) about details that one feel are extravagant and the other feels are too cheap. One side feels bad b/c they obviously contributed less than the other etc etc.
My thoughts is to go forward with our own budget and ask them how much if any they would like to contribute, emphasizing that we will not take more than 1/3rd of the wedding cost from either set of parents. We make it clear that it is our wedding and that we will be deciding all of the details, but ask them to give us direction on what is important to them ahead of time. If it's important to them that we have a band and that is all they care about- great, etc etc. I want to make it clear that this is our wedding, but recognize that this is a very important day to them as well.
Does my plan sound reasonable? Any advice from those who have had a similar experience on how to broach this conversation?
Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Money talk with families any advice?
You completely missed the two points made. The first point is that you shouldn't ask people for money. The second point is that, if you do accept a gift of money from someone, then expect that person to want input on how that money is going to be used.
Lots of people have lovely weddings with very little money.
If the answer is simply do not accept money if you don't want input, which I believe that I'm still hearing, I can definitely see why this is the best idea given the scenario and at this point am leaning that way.
However, I still worry about the conflict this will cause between my FMIL and FI b/c we won't invite her friends and she will be annoyed about the lack of hard alcohol choices, etc etc. So I still have a hard time believing that this strategy is going to lead to drama-free planning.
I'm the fuck out.
Where is your FI in all of this, anyway? Your posts all make it sound like you'll be the one doing all of the communicating and laying down of the law. He's the one who should be dealing with his family while you deal with yours.
Don't ask them for money.
Who told you that planning a wedding was supposed to be drama free? Nobody's is!
I would love to know why you would be even contemplating asking your parents and FI's parents for money for your party when you are in your MID 30's?!?!? Seriously? Your parents are retired and as you said they have cut back their living expenses to enjoy their retirement and you want their precious money to fund your unnecessary party?
Grow up.
My husbands family did the same thing. Started offering opinions and writing up their guest list the moment we got engaged. They never offered a dime and we never asked. So when MIL wanted to go pick a venue, H politely declined. We planned what WE could afford. The beauty of that is of course that you don't have to listen to anyone else's opinions! Yay!
MIL and FIL ended up offering to pay for our rehearsal dinner. At that point, I didn't want to plan one more thing, and we agreed they could host. That meant they picked everything. The place, the menu, everything. It was not what I would have chosen, but it was perfectly nice. That's the trade-off, if someone else is paying then they get to help plan. But I do think it helps when $$ is for something very specific. If your MIL offers to contribute and feels very strongly about a top-shelf open bar for instance, then she can make those decisions and pay for it. In my opinion that doesn't give her free reign over the rest of the plans, just the bar.
Part of the reason for this question is that my FI is deathly scared of wedding planning and the conflict that arises. He had been engaged before and it was a HUGE cluster&^%$. The engagement ended for other reasons, but his ex-FI's craziness and the family's craziness around wedding planning certainly contributed to their demise. Before we got engaged he had said "I am very much looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I am absolutely dreading planning a wedding." I've tried to ensure him over and over again that we can do it with minimal conflict. Now I am just trying to figure out how to do that and seeking advice from this board in the matter.
We would love to have a smaller, intimate wedding of about 75-100 people. Unfortunately, we are both from HUGE families. He is particularly close to some aunts, uncles, and cousins and I am particularly close to aunts and cousins and we would both not feel right getting married without them there. Because we are getting married in our 30's all the cousins have SOs that need to be invited as well. We don't feel comfortable inviting some aunts, uncles and cousins and not others. Anyway, this brings our guestlist to about 250 when you factor in our close friends. We may be able to cut some friends and bring our list to 200, but that is going to be hard. So anyway, paying for this going to be a stretch for our budget.
And to the person who thinks it's insane that I would even think of accepting $$ from my retired parents- even when your daughter is getting married in your 30's, many parent's still feel like they would like to "host" the day per the old tradition. I've had friends in the 40's whose parents have paid for their entire wedding. Everyone's financial/family situation is different, I don't think we need to be judging people who accept money from their parents later in life.
Since you have a big guest list and are worried about the bar bill, have a daytime wedding. Food is cheaper, people are less likely to miss alcohol and if it is provided will drink less than an evening wedding.
That would be me who said the bolded. My H and I are both physicians. I have two boys and I don't care how old they are when they get married, I will not contribute anything to their weddings besides love and support. They both know how we feel about money. Hell I didn't want to spend a single penny on my own wedding! Your said that your parents cut back on their lifestyle because they are retired and have become "cheap". Your parents are being fiscally responsible. Even if they offered I would decline the offer because you are taking away money from their retirement. Your parents have not said they want to host anything. You want to ask them for money and it seems your story is changing once everyone said that asking others to fund your party is a HUGE No No.
Host the wedding You and FI can afford and leave the parents alone.
I think the easiest way to bring up the topic is by asking them for their list of who they would like to invite. Then let them know that based on the budget you have established for yourself that you can only allot them xx number of guests. If they want to contribute to the wedding, that opens things up for them to go, we would like to contribute your wedding & give $x.xx for you to help out." If they don't say anything to that extent, then just assume you are on your own for paying for everything.
I agree with everyone above that said if they want to contribute, they will find a way and make it clear. So clear that you will not be able to describe it as either 'hinting' or 'implying' that they want to help.
After FI proposed, both sets of parents were super excited and both sets made vague comments about guests and money and whatnot. We just smiled and bean dipped because they were just vague comments. Then my dad said something slightly less vague like, "You know we want to help with the wedding right? It's traditional that we pay." To which I responded, "Oh dad! That's so, so sweet. But seriously, you don't have to do that. We can totally do this on our own. We're in our 30s." About a week later, Dad called me up and said definitively and with authority (and with specificity), "Mom and I have talked this week and gone over the numbers and we absolutely want to contribute $X to your wedding." To which I said, "Are you serious? For reals? Oh my god. That is the nicest thing ever. Oh my god. I can't wait to tell FI. I'm blown away. Thank you." FI's parents did basically the same thing. This is what your parents will do too, if they want to contribute.