Spin off poll: Wedding Roles - offended or not

photokitty · October 2014

Time for a PK Poll! I figured this might get some "helpful" answers on the debate. Would you be offended if you were asked to preform a role in a wedding? Select the furthest "honor" down the list that you would not be personally offended if your were asked to fulfill for a close friend, sibling, etc.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

Honestly, I'd be relieved if I was asked to do a reading instead of being a BM. That way, I can wear my own dress.

I would definitely be offended if I was asked to be in the house party or to do the guest book / program duty. And there's no way in hell I'd be a personal attendant.

Ii have absolutely no issues with being a guest.

Bubblegum5586 · October 2014

Of all of those I think house party is the most offensive. To me that is blatantly a 2nd class BM.

birdybride2014 · October 2014

I would do all of these things happily, except being a house party member. I would probably still do it though. My FMIL and I go round and round because she thinks being asked to have a "duty" is an honor, and everyone in her family should have a "duty". Ugh.

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

You know it depends on your relationship. I chose house party one. Why? Because it was a sorority sister and she included her own biological sisters as BMs and then asked her sorority sisters if they would like to help seat guests. I like to help, and I wasn't her best friend ever, so I thought honored to not only be invited to the wedding, but to have a role.

Now, I know it's not really a position of honor. But, I was happy to help out a sorority sister and watch her get married. I was a guest once the ceremony started.

If it was my sister or my best friend, I would have been HELLA PISSED! then my vote would be I better be a BM!

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

I only said I wouldn't be an usher because I don't want any role that makes me do a lot of walking in heels.

That's the only time I want to conform to gender stereotypes and let the menfolk do the work while I sit and look pretty.

I would honestly be (and have been) honored to do a reading though.

esstee33 · October 2014

A house party member? Can someone explain this to me, please? I've never heard of this before.

hellosweetie1015 · October 2014

I manned the program table for a friend of mine. I knew I wasn't gonna be a bridesmaid, but I was invited to the bachelorette (which I couldn't afford to do but it was nice to be thought of). While I don't mind doing it, I'd much prefer being a guest. I know she was trying to include me out of caring about me, rather than feeling like she was obligated to have me because I was a part of her circle. (Of course that's also the wedding with the disastrously thoughtful seating plan, so there's that...)

Although I won't be having any "made-up" jobs at our wedding. That will be a hill for me to die violently on. I've manned guest books and programs at every wedding I've ever been to because my family thought they were obligated to have me do something. I could tell even as a child that it was obligation and not desire to involve me specifically.

Peaseblossom55 · October 2014

I would be fine, being a reader, cantor, or bringing up gifts, if not a BM. I would be really annoyed if I was asked to do something like man the guest book. It makes me think of that Sex and the City episode where Miranda manned the guestbook for her friend's wedding.

mschristie123 · October 2014

It really depends on the relationship I have with the person. Honestly, I'd be hurt if one of my BFFs only had me do a reading instead of being a BM. Don't get me wrong, being a BM is expensive as hell, but I definitely consider it an hnor and would be thrilled to be apart of the bride's crew on her wedding day.

Inkdancer · October 2014

It depends on the role and my relationship with the bride/groom. If my mom had not asked me to stand with her, I would have been hella pissed. If my mom's BFF's daughter asks me to read or usher, I will consider it an honor. But house party or guest book attendant always suck.

Kauris · October 2014

Just as long as I never have to be a personal attendant again. Fuck that noise. I didn't know what I was getting into. If I had known I was bride's bitch, I surely would have said no.

princessleia22 · October 2014

It depends on my relationship with the person. Generally, I would be offended if asked to do any task that they really should be hiring someone to do. Anything that seems like work. Don't invite me as a guest, then expect me to do work.

I once was invited to a cousins wedding (not super close) and told that I had been assigned to cut/serve the cake. Um, shouldn't they be hiring the caterer or someone like that to do that? I want to eat cake, not serve it. I didn't attend her wedding.

If it was carrying/relocating gifts or something, I wouldn't be as offended, since I know they would want someone trustworthy, not a stranger, to do something like that. But, I'd expect them to ask someone very close, like a sibling or parent.

Requests to do a reading or something wouldn't be offensive, because I would think they genuinely want to include me... it's not a work task.

Guest book... people typically understand how guest books work. You don't need to assign an attendant to it. Let them just enjoy the wedding as a guest. And if it's a more complicated guest book, leave a sign with instructions or something. My sister and I both did different polaroid guest books... we both had simple instruction signs and people figured it out just fine. I went over to check in a couple times and make sure people didn't have questions. We didn't need to station someone there all night... same with stationing someone at gift table all night... its not needed.

Usher... I'm torn on this one. It's still a job, not an honor position. But, it's a simple task and at least it doesn't keep them busy all night or really keep them from enjoying any portion of the events. But, there's no reason you couldn't hire someone for this.

Helping set up or something like that... you really should hire someone. If it was sibling or BFF, I wouldn't mind as much since I'd be willing to help out and figure you want someone you can trust to get your vision right. If it's someone not close, they are just looking for free labor, then it's a big F-U.

Clean up... hell no! Hire someone.

Let your GUESTS be GUESTS... not free employees. If it involves WORK, hire someone.

lc07 · October 2014

I would not be offended to be asked to be a bridesmaid or a grooms woman or do a reading or somehow participate in the actual ceremony. Although I am aware that being asked to participate in the ceremony is a lesser honor than being a bridesmaid or grooms woman since theoretically, one could do both things. I consider everything else to be a job. Including being an usher. Unless we are talking about escorting people down the aisle during the processional. Ushers who simply help guests find their seats prior to the ceremony - that's a job IMO.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

Honestly, I find being a reader as just as much of an honor as being a BM. Out of all the people they know they chose me to read a passage in front of all of their guests. That seems pretty special to me.

I don't, however, think being an Usher is an honor at all, which is why I think having ushers in addition to having GMs is just silly since GMs can act as ushers prior to the ceremony starting.

lc07 · October 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly, I find being a reader as just as much of an honor as being a BM. Out of all the people they know they chose me to read a passage in front of all of their guests. That seems pretty special to me.

I don't, however, think being an Usher is an honor at all, which is why I think having ushers in addition to having GMs is just silly since GMs can act as ushers prior to the ceremony starting.

But you could be a bridesmaid who does a reading. You weren't chosen to be a bridesmaid. I still think the nearest and dearest of the bride are the BMs not the readers.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

lc07 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly, I find being a reader as just as much of an honor as being a BM. Out of all the people they know they chose me to read a passage in front of all of their guests. That seems pretty special to me.

I don't, however, think being an Usher is an honor at all, which is why I think having ushers in addition to having GMs is just silly since GMs can act as ushers prior to the ceremony starting.

But you could be a bridesmaid who does a reading. You weren't chosen to be a bridesmaid. I still think the nearest and dearest of the bride are the BMs not the readers.

What? I am not saying that the reader is a nearest and dearest, hey help me hide this body person, I am just saying, that in regards to an honorable role in a wedding that a reader is up there with being a BM in my book. You wouldn't just pick some random person off your guest list to do a reading would you? You would pick someone you were close to.

lc07 · October 2014

Maggie0829 said:

lc07 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly, I find being a reader as just as much of an honor as being a BM. Out of all the people they know they chose me to read a passage in front of all of their guests. That seems pretty special to me.

I don't, however, think being an Usher is an honor at all, which is why I think having ushers in addition to having GMs is just silly since GMs can act as ushers prior to the ceremony starting.

But you could be a bridesmaid who does a reading. You weren't chosen to be a bridesmaid. I still think the nearest and dearest of the bride are the BMs not the readers.

What? I am not saying that the reader is a nearest and dearest, hey help me hide this body person, I am just saying, that in regards to an honorable role in a wedding that a reader is up there with being a BM in my book. You wouldn't just pick some random person off your guest list to do a reading would you? You would pick someone you were close to.

I just don't think it's "just as much of an honor" as being a bridesmaid. I've been a reader before and it was a big honor. And I did not expect to be chosen as a bridesmaid. I would not ask my BFF to be a reader and because I asked her to be a reader then not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Being a reader is not the same level of honoring someone as asking them to be a bridesmaid, IMO. Though it is still an honor.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

princessleia22 said:

It depends on my relationship with the person. Generally, I would be offended if asked to do any task that they really should be hiring someone to do. Anything that seems like work. Don't invite me as a guest, then expect me to do work.
I once was invited to a cousins wedding (not super close) and told that I had been assigned to cut/serve the cake. Um, shouldn't they be hiring the caterer or someone like that to do that? I want to eat cake, not serve it. I didn't attend her wedding.
If it was carrying/relocating gifts or something, I wouldn't be as offended, since I know they would want someone trustworthy, not a stranger, to do something like that. But, I'd expect them to ask someone very close, like a sibling or parent.
Requests to do a reading or something wouldn't be offensive, because I would think they genuinely want to include me... it's not a work task.
Guest book... people typically understand how guest books work. You don't need to assign an attendant to it. Let them just enjoy the wedding as a guest. And if it's a more complicated guest book, leave a sign with instructions or something. My sister and I both did different polaroid guest books... we both had simple instruction signs and people figured it out just fine. I went over to check in a couple times and make sure people didn't have questions. We didn't need to station someone there all night... same with stationing someone at gift table all night... its not needed.
Usher... I'm torn on this one. It's still a job, not an honor position. But, it's a simple task and at least it doesn't keep them busy all night or really keep them from enjoying any portion of the events. But, there's no reason you couldn't hire someone for this.
Helping set up or something like that... you really should hire someone. If it was sibling or BFF, I wouldn't mind as much since I'd be willing to help out and figure you want someone you can trust to get your vision right. If it's someone not close, they are just looking for free labor, then it's a big F-U.
Clean up... hell no! Hire someone.

Let your GUESTS be GUESTS... not free employees. If it involves WORK, hire someone.

I'm not sure if this is what you meant (or what lurkers think it meant), but the "bringing up the gifts" mentioned in the OP refers to carrying the bread and wine for Communion during the ceremony, it doesn't mean lugging the new toaster out to the car. JIC.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

lc07 said:

Maggie0829 said:

lc07 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Honestly, I find being a reader as just as much of an honor as being a BM. Out of all the people they know they chose me to read a passage in front of all of their guests. That seems pretty special to me.

I don't, however, think being an Usher is an honor at all, which is why I think having ushers in addition to having GMs is just silly since GMs can act as ushers prior to the ceremony starting.

But you could be a bridesmaid who does a reading. You weren't chosen to be a bridesmaid. I still think the nearest and dearest of the bride are the BMs not the readers.

What? I am not saying that the reader is a nearest and dearest, hey help me hide this body person, I am just saying, that in regards to an honorable role in a wedding that a reader is up there with being a BM in my book. You wouldn't just pick some random person off your guest list to do a reading would you? You would pick someone you were close to.

I just don't think it's "just as much of an honor" as being a bridesmaid. I've been a reader before and it was a big honor. And I did not expect to be chosen as a bridesmaid. I would not ask my BFF to be a reader and because I asked her to be a reader then not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Being a reader is not the same level of honoring someone as asking them to be a bridesmaid, IMO. Though it is still an honor.

Well I guess we will agree to disagree on this one.

lc07 · October 2014

Well I guess we will agree to disagree on this one.

Not trying to be argumentative, just really want to understand your POV. I could be off base. But would you not feel like you were in a lesser position, though still being honored, if your BFF chose other people to be bridesmaids and you to be a reader? I would.

I've never seen a reader get ready with the bride before the wedding, or be given flowers, or walk in the processional, or be included in wedding party pictures.

I was in one wedding once where one of the close friends of the bride was asked to officiate. So she technically wasn't a bridesmaid because she was the officiant, but she was given flowers, included in getting ready, in the processional, and in all wedding party pictures as if she was a bridesmaid. I see that as an equal honor.

kvruns · October 2014

I chose "rather be a guest". I was a program person for a friend's wedding once and while I didn't like the job, I guess I felt honored to be chosen to participate in some way since other friends were not. Then again I was young and naïve back then.

What is a house party member??

Maggie0829 · October 2014

lc07 said:

Well I guess we will agree to disagree on this one.

Not trying to be argumentative, just really want to understand your POV. I could be off base. But would you not feel like you were in a lesser position, though still being honored, if your BFF chose other people to be bridesmaids and you to be a reader? I would.

I've never seen a reader get ready with the bride before the wedding, or be given flowers, or walk in the processional, or be included in wedding party pictures.

I was in one wedding once where one of the close friends of the bride was asked to officiate. So she technically wasn't a bridesmaid because she was the officiant, but she was given flowers, included in getting ready, in the processional, and in all wedding party pictures as if she was a bridesmaid. I see that as an equal honor.

No, I really wouldn't.

I would feel honored that she thought enough of me to want to have me be a part of her wedding day. I wouldn't feel second fiddle to the BMs and look up to them like they are the "cool group" and more important then me just because they have to buy a dress and stand in pictures. I would just feel immense love for my friend.

falsara · October 2014

@lc07 @Maggie0829

Just a question since you guys are on the topic of readers, do you still hold the same separate opinions if a reader is a family member. Like a mom or a dad, or a grandparent. I'm just curious.

lc07 · October 2014

falsara said:

@lc07 @Maggie0829
Just a question since you guys are on the topic of readers, do you still hold the same separate opinions if a reader is a family member. Like a mom or a dad, or a grandparent. I'm just curious.

I don't think of parents or grandparents as typical choices for wedding attendants, although I know sometimes it is done. While I love them dearly, they are not whom I would ask to help me hide a dead body. I did not ask my parents or grandparents to be my attendants and I don't think not choosing them was a slight.

I think being a reader is always an honor.

lc07 · October 2014

Maggie0829 said:

lc07 said:

Well I guess we will agree to disagree on this one.

Not trying to be argumentative, just really want to understand your POV. I could be off base. But would you not feel like you were in a lesser position, though still being honored, if your BFF chose other people to be bridesmaids and you to be a reader? I would.

I've never seen a reader get ready with the bride before the wedding, or be given flowers, or walk in the processional, or be included in wedding party pictures.

I was in one wedding once where one of the close friends of the bride was asked to officiate. So she technically wasn't a bridesmaid because she was the officiant, but she was given flowers, included in getting ready, in the processional, and in all wedding party pictures as if she was a bridesmaid. I see that as an equal honor.

No, I really wouldn't.

I would feel honored that she thought enough of me to want to have me be a part of her wedding day. I wouldn't feel second fiddle to the BMs and look up to them like they are the "cool group" and more important then me just because they have to buy a dress and stand in pictures. I would just feel immense love for my friend.

I'm impressed. I'd like to feel the way you do about it but I know I wouldn't.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

Here's my 2 cents on the reader role. It's not more or less important (to me, anyway). It's just different. We had 3 readers at our wedding (Catholic Mass). They were - my Godmother, one of DH's close female friends, and one of my friends I've known since the 8th grade (I'm his daughter's Godmother). They are just a different kind of important.

I've also served communion at a lot of weddings. That is also an honor for me.

sarahufl · October 2014

I am at the point where all I want to do is show up at your wedding and observe. Then drink and dance till I am sweaty and tired. That is all I want to do.

That said, I have been to about 50 weddings (no, that is not an exaggeration- 10 this year alone) and have been MOH twice, BM 9 times. I no longer want any role whatsoever in a wedding.

I am happy to help you with your programs, or stuff welcome bags. I have been happy to decorate and help clean up (but your ass better be grateful for it) in fact, I often have fun doing that stuff if other friends/family are also there to help. I would not mind reading, bringing up the gifts, bringing you a drink, ushering. If I could sing or play the guitar, I would be happy to do that.

What I would mind is the following: being in your house party, manning your guest book, serving your cake, or any other task that you should be paying a qualified person to do.

People who insist on "finding an honorary role" for their fringe friends are often incorrect in thinking that the fringe friends want any sort of role other than just being there. One of my very best friends is about to get married and I am playing zero "official" roles. And I could not be happier. I can't wait to just watch her get married and then have a blast at her reception.

doeydo · October 2014

TBH, ushers are a BS job, IMO. I am horrible at public speaking, so that just leaves shit jobs like guest book watcher. No thanks...

Maggie0829 · October 2014

lc07 said:

Maggie0829 said:

lc07 said:

Well I guess we will agree to disagree on this one.

Not trying to be argumentative, just really want to understand your POV. I could be off base. But would you not feel like you were in a lesser position, though still being honored, if your BFF chose other people to be bridesmaids and you to be a reader? I would.

I've never seen a reader get ready with the bride before the wedding, or be given flowers, or walk in the processional, or be included in wedding party pictures.

I was in one wedding once where one of the close friends of the bride was asked to officiate. So she technically wasn't a bridesmaid because she was the officiant, but she was given flowers, included in getting ready, in the processional, and in all wedding party pictures as if she was a bridesmaid. I see that as an equal honor.

No, I really wouldn't.

I would feel honored that she thought enough of me to want to have me be a part of her wedding day. I wouldn't feel second fiddle to the BMs and look up to them like they are the "cool group" and more important then me just because they have to buy a dress and stand in pictures. I would just feel immense love for my friend.

I'm impressed. I'd like to feel the way you do about it but I know I wouldn't.

I guess I just find comparing levels of friendships with someone to be pointless. I just worry about my own friendship with someone and not try and compare how close I am to that person to how close someone else is to that same person. I mean in the end we are still friends and I must be a good enough friend that she wants me to participate in her ceremony. I would take that as an amazing honor rather then thinking "oh, I guess this is an honor, but just not as big of an honor as being a BM would have been."

@falsara - I still hold the same opinion if the reader or BM is a family member. I thought about asking my Mom to be a co-MOH but I know her and I know she just wanted to be the MOB that day. As for a reader position, I have known a lot of friends who had Aunts or Uncles or cousins be readers at their wedding. They asked because not only are they family but they are really and truly friends with that person and wanted them to be a part of such a special day. And I don't think any of those readers thought that they were less important, so to speak, then the wedding party was. I don't know, I guess putting levels on things is just not a good idea. Everyone is important to the couple because if they weren't then they wouldn't be invited to the wedding. Of course you can't have everyone be a part of the ceremony so you just have to pick the people that your gut tells you to. Am I closer to some friends then others? Sure, but just because you aren't one of my closest friends (like we don't hang out all the time or talk on a regular basis) doesn't mean you are any less important to me. I guess I think of closeness and importance as two different things.

falsara · October 2014

Awesome! Thanks Maggie and lc07

Spin off poll: Wedding Roles - offended or not

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