How bad would it be to decline an RSVP that comes late?

classyduck · October 2014

Our RSVP by date was September 30th. I've finished the seating diagram and most of the placecards. My mom just called and told me that a couple called today and wanted to RSVP (10 days late, wedding is also 10 days from today).

Now, we made an honest effort to contact them when we didn't get an RSVP. They never answered their phone, and their answering machine was full, and we never reached them.

I'm not being over-dramatic when I say that their addition will literally have me rethinking half my seating chart. My tables were FULL, just these two has pushed me to needing to add another table, and now I have split up a bunch of groups to redistribute everyone. I suppose it could be done, but it took me hours to get this right and it will take me all night to fix it. I also have to redo a bunch of placecards.

Would I be terribly rude if I called and explained to them that I'm sorry, I cannot accommodate them with such late notice? I have an icky feeling about it... like, I sent the invite, so I should honor it. But at the same time I don't think it is fair that I should be held hostage to late RSVPs in terms of completing the planning I need to do to properly host everyone else who was on time.

BTW, today was literally the deadline to submit my final numbers for meal choices to the venue. So ... technically ....

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Ick. I mean... Technically, you don't have to accommodate them. You are fully within your right to say you're very sorry but the deadline has passed and you can't accommodate them. But I would try my hardest to make it work.

lyndausvi · October 2014

As annoying as it might be I would make it work. Everyone I invited I actually wanted there. It's just my nature to make it work.

My seating chart didn't take long to make. 45 minutes or so. Then in the week/days before the wedding I kept getting people dropping out. So I was making adjustments up until the day before the wedding.

AddieCake · October 2014

I think it would be awkward to reject them.

indianaalum · October 2014

I agree with others. I would try to make it work. If you cared enough to invite them, you should care enough to actually want them there

classyduck · October 2014

indianaalum said:

I agree with others. I would try to make it work. If you cared enough to invite them, you should care enough to actually want them there

You hit the nail on the head. I loathed the idea of inviting them. They are selfish, superior, insulting people. My mom wanted to invite them, she is paying for the wedding and she insisted. Mind you, I would be annoyed even if these were people I liked, but the fact that I hate them just adds insult to injury.

*sigh* Still that was a good bit of perspective, so thank you for offering it... I suppose the part of me that feels guilty for rejecting the RSVP will outwin the part that feels annoyed. I was super hoping there would be a secret etiquette code that only knotties knew about and you would all nod sagely and say "yes, duckie-san, you must reject the dark ones, and accommodate the light" and I could reject them guilt free. Alas. Back to the drawing board I guess.

classyduck · October 2014

I just want all you knotties to know, I'm doing this for someone (he's a doctor, and a piss-poor one) who almost killed me (two other doctors have independently corroborated this merely by taking my medical history), and nearly ordered my dad off all his pain medications in the hours before his death (and making a couple of hospice nurses franticly outraged).

This goes beyond pettiness. My hatred runs deep. F--- this bastard for making me redo my perfect seating chart. *grump* I can't wait until he finally gets the malpractice suit he deserves.

csuave · October 2014

Based on what you say it is really tempting to suggest sitting them alone at their own table....

slothiegal · October 2014

classyduck said:

I just want all you knotties to know, I'm doing this for someone (he's a doctor, and a piss-poor one) who almost killed me (two other doctors have independently corroborated this merely by taking my medical history), and nearly ordered my dad off all his pain medications in the hours before his death (and making a couple of hospice nurses franticly outraged).

This goes beyond pettiness. My hatred runs deep. F--- this bastard for making me redo my perfect seating chart. *grump* I can't wait until he finally gets the malpractice suit he deserves.

Jesus why is this dude invited.

ETA: I see you already answered that. Reading fail.

APDSS22 · October 2014

At least they didn't decide to surprise you by showing up on the day with no warning?

In this particular case I'd probably go with the old standby "Oh, I'm SO sorry, DrandMrs. SuperRude...we already passed the deadline for finalizing our number with the caterer. Shucks! Maybe we can catch up some other time." (Like the Tuesday after Never.)

classyduck · October 2014

Wow, I know it's subjective, but I'm surprised in the change in responses hah.

I guess it was an important bit of context that I omitted initially because I was trying to be "adult". Whatever. I'm bitter.

For a little more background -- Dad and he were great friends, for whatever reason. They just got along great. We all accepted it. My dad was the kind of person that everyone loved. We had a sizeable hall reserved for his funeral, and every seat was full with people sill standing in the back. I've never seen that kind of turnout at a funeral, it absolutely uplifted me and tore me to shreds at the same time. So there is my case for dad being awesome, and he was. His eyes were smiling, always.

Anyway, I think mom insisted this guy be invited out of respect for dad. But this man has not done us favors, nor did he do them for dad. He gave very irresponsible and potentially damaging orders near the end of dad's life, which were no doubt wrought from this guys own grief at seeing dad dying, but even so, it was like he was mad to order him off the morphine. To this day no one can explain it. I'm not kidding, the way the nurses stood up to him and talked down to a doctor was admirable.

When I was 19, I had a bloodclot in my leg. I was on birth control and an herbal supplement that was later shown to cause clots. I had a terrible pain in my leg, and told him I was worried it was a clot, and cited symptoms. He laughed, said I was too young, and then ordered a treatment for muscle cramps that has a serious chance to dislodge clots. I was lucky it didn't. two weeks later I visited a podiatrist for something unrelated and he instantly diagnosed the clot. A radiologist confirmed it. That fucker ignored EXTREMELY obvious clot causes and symptoms (a chord in my leg, red, hot), and then ordered a treatment that could easily dislodge it, without a definitive diagnosis. I used all nine lives that day.

Later, I came to him after I had twisted my knee, heard a snap like a whipcrack, and felt unimaginable pain. He said xrays or mri's weren't needed. A year later I tore my meniscus. Why? Because my ACL ripped the first time, which almost always leads to a meniscus tear when untreated. An ACL can be repaired. A meniscus, really can't. I will never skii, dance, or run again because of the meniscus tear. Thanks, asshole.

Yeah. I do not want this shitface at my wedding. And wow, when I originally made this post, I didn't realize how badly I wanted to exclude him. But I really do.

So. I was feeling very vulnerable in my relationship with my mother since dad's passing, and gave in to her wish to invitehim. And now I see a way out. And I want to take it like a rabid wolverine. If he is so insulted that we never talk to him again? BONUS.

What should I do. I feel like a really mean person for feeling so vindictive, but I do. I really hate this guy. I don't want him there, and never wanted to invite him. But I really want to be a good hostess, to the point of vanity. That is my conflict. I should have put my foot down prior to the invite. But now that it was sent, I feel like I should maintain my integrity, and honor it. But ARG!! Such a legitimate way out at such close reach...

janbride2015 · October 2014

I think you have answered your own questions. You said it would be a bonus if he never speaks to you again, and I can see why. You can use the caterer as an excuse and just say the final count has been given and there would be no food for this couple.

AddieCake · October 2014

I don't understand why your mom would want someone who almost killed you to be invited to your wedding.

Liatris2010 · October 2014

I would tell them it was too late. Why? Because it is too late. Your final numbers are in and your seating chart is done. All the other stuff can just erase the guilt of not going out of your way to accommodate them, which you probably would have done for people you liked better. They've been pretty awful to you, I don't think you owe them any favors.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

AddieCake said:
I don't understand why your mom would want someone who almost killed you to be invited to your wedding.

This. What the hell?

And I was going to say I think you need to accommodate them (I'd put them as a 2 seated table in the back of the room or at the vendor table). But in light of the information that he's a reckless asshole who almost killed you, you hate them and do not care if the bridge burns, set it afire, my friend.

downtondiva · October 2014

@Classyduck, your mother should not have insisted on inviting someone who was clearly going to upset you. I think you need to talk to her about this immediately and keep these people away from your wedding. Can't you tell them you already gave the final headcount to the caterer and can't make any changes or something like that?

indianaalum · October 2014

Sadly, it will come down to this for you now, What does mom say?? she is the one paying for wedding, so the decision is really hers, unfortunately. I would try to appeal to mom on how you never really wanted him there in first place and hope she comes to her senses finally

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Southernbelle has the best idea: seat them at a two top or with vendors. Win Win

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Sit them in the bathroom.

Seriously, since you have no true intention of maintaining a relationship with these people, just tell them no. If your mom cared so much about having them she should have gotten in touch before the deadline.

classyduck · October 2014

Well, I talked to her. She says they aren't family friends because of her, they are family friends because of dad. She says do it for him, not for her. Which I think is really stupid, but it is her wish and the reason they got an invite in the first place. It's fine. I was upset last night, but I will suck it up and deal with it, for her sake, even though she doesn't realize it.

Bleh. Sorry for the tirade everyone. -.- I'll figure this out.

SachaBee · October 2014

This is a really sucky situation. I feel for you with the idea of letting your mom decide, but at the same time not wanting him to be there. It is sometimes hard for me to stand up to my mom as well, especially when she is paying for an event or gift or something. Sounds like it might be worth it to make this the time you start, but first make sure putting your foot down over this won't damage things between you and your mom--that seems more important than this stupid doctor guy.

CMGragain · October 2014

RSVP means "please respond". It doesn't mean, "This invitation expires by the date"! Once you have invited someone, they are invited - no matter what! Every bride should be prepared for a very few last minute guests.

traditionallyuntraditional · October 2014

At first I was like yes accept it you invited them. Then I read the thread. Now I vote hi top table in the back no florals maybe a candle they'll be fine they get free food, free drinks, a party, and hopefully the point.

MollyandD · October 2014

I had people responding after the date I requested. I had to give my final numbers to the venue a month before the wedding. Some people didn't know if they could get off work by then or not. I had to just tell the venue our numbers based on if all the unsure people said they could come. I wouldn't recommend making a seating chart more than a week before the date, for this reason. Sometimes people respond late.

I know this sucks, but you did invite this guy. He sounds terrible, and the fact that he used to be a friend of your dad shouldn't matter to you anymore. Again, it totally sucks, but it's something you should have handled before invitations went out. I'm really sorry that this douche is going to be there, but unless you want to go around your mom and call to uninvite him, it looks like he will be.

flantastic · October 2014

Well, if they're coming, they're coming. No reason they need to be seated with others, though*. That part stands. Do not rework the seating chart.

*I may just be in a bitchy mood because IDGAF right now about the concerns of Jamm and anyone else who has shown me that they don't actually care about mine and/or my family's feelings. If she asked me to rework my seating chart for people I hate, I would say no.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

These people sound like they suck. But you should have included them in the seating chart until you knew for a fact they weren't coming.

We had a guest who waited until a week before the wedding to tell us if she was coming. However, this was an older relative of my husband and we just made the seating chart with an extra spot for her if she attended. We also really wanted her to attend, obviously not the case with you.

Now, some venues are easier than others to make seating charts. We had different sized tables so I could make tables of 8, 10 or 12.

I recommend everyone make a tentative seating chart, but don't print out anything (if you can help it) until the week before the wedding. Things change and some people are assholes.

classyduck · October 2014

Thank you all for the continuing advice. I have to say, CMGragain said it about as succinctly as can be said. ... paraphrasing: "an invite, is an invite, is an invite.". And honestly that is the sentiment I felt from the start, and the reason I posted at all -- I was conflicted about my desire to dismiss them. I hate them, don't want them, but I invited them, so they come.

So, my perspective on seating charts -- not sure how it is at other venues, but I am supposed to submit mine by Wed. I have 2 days to make adjustments (from the time of this posting -- late Sunday night). I can't easily fiddle with it till the last day. This IS one thing that has really taken me off guard. I didn't expect to have to bleed over seating drama to the last second. So to all future brides reading this, EXPECT THIS!

My venue has tables which optimally seat 8. 7 or 9 are ok, 6 or 10 should be avoided. So I can't just split a table of 8 into 2 tables of 4. They will feel empty and boring. Hence my distress. Splitting a table means splitting up possibly multiple other groups so I can try to create a more even dispersement. It really DOES take rethinking of many factors, relationships, and social groups.

Anyway, again, very grateful to ALL who have responded, thank you, and I appreciate any continuing advice.

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

I think etiquette wise you should make this work. As a suggestion. When we did our seating "chart" we simply handwrote our cards but didn't fill in the table numbers. Then we lined the cards up in rows on our kitched table, each row represented the table. Once we were good, we counted how many people per table, added a sticky note for number of chairs and proposed table, and used a small rubberband to hold the card together.

The venue requested a plan a week out, but only wanted a number of chais per table, so we provided that. Then a few days before, we pulled out the cards, confirmed any changes and wrote in the tables, rebanded and brought to the venue. Of course, if you are only doing a large poster/chart and not cards this may not help

KatieinBkln · October 2014

They sound like the worst, and I totally agree with others that you shouldn't mess with your seating. Bring a fucking card table and put it as close to the bathroom as possible. If anyone says shit, just shrug with your best "I seriously don't care if you live or die" face.

Jessie42613 · October 2014

Sistafriend. I know your mind is likely made up already, but I am firmly in the "just.say.no." - camp. Have a terribly awkward yet polite conversation, then wash that man from your mind and never think of him again.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

classyduck said:

Thank you all for the continuing advice. I have to say, CMGragain said it about as succinctly as can be said. ... paraphrasing: "an invite, is an invite, is an invite.". And honestly that is the sentiment I felt from the start, and the reason I posted at all -- I was conflicted about my desire to dismiss them. I hate them, don't want them, but I invited them, so they come.

So, my perspective on seating charts -- not sure how it is at other venues, but I am supposed to submit mine by Wed. I have 2 days to make adjustments (from the time of this posting -- late Sunday night). I can't easily fiddle with it till the last day. This IS one thing that has really taken me off guard. I didn't expect to have to bleed over seating drama to the last second. So to all future brides reading this, EXPECT THIS!

My venue has tables which optimally seat 8. 7 or 9 are ok, 6 or 10 should be avoided. So I can't just split a table of 8 into 2 tables of 4. They will feel empty and boring. Hence my distress. Splitting a table means splitting up possibly multiple other groups so I can try to create a more even dispersement. It really DOES take rethinking of many factors, relationships, and social groups.

Anyway, again, very grateful to ALL who have responded, thank you, and I appreciate any continuing advice.

Take a table of 7 and add the awful Dr and his wife.

But I will say, the fact that the venue request tables of 7,8 or 9 is weird. I'm assuming they are 8 tops, but they can squeeze an extra person if necessary. And really, a table of 6 would be fine. What are they going to do rearrange your seating, I think not.

How bad would it be to decline an RSVP that comes late?

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