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I'm back! And I need advice.

I'll do a whole separate post to AW my pro pics and honeymoon pics, of course! :-P I missed you guys! 

So, before I started dating my husband, I had a very brief relationship with someone. He was a delivery guy that came into my job every day. We were always friendly with each other and he seemed like a very nice guy. He had told me that he was separated and was in the process of getting a divorce. He asked me out, and I said yes. We dated for about a month and then I ended things. 

Well, I ran into him yesterday. He was with his wife and kid. Yup, his wife. She told me they've been married for years and years. They were NEVER separated and they're certainly not divorced. I was dumbfounded. When his wife walked away, I tried to get him to admit that he lied about everything. And he was pretty much like, "Whatever. I'm not saying anything." 

Apparently while I was away on my honeymoon, he said some nasty things about me to my co-worker. She won't tell me exactly what he said, but she was really angry. She called his company today to file a complaint and to ask for another delivery person. Well, we found out that he also lied to me about his last name!! When my co-worker called to file the complaint, they said, "John Smith is not your delivery person, John Jones is." CRAZY! This now leads me to believe that this is not the first time he's done this. He knew how to cover his tracks and giving me a fake last name was a good way to keep me in the dark. 

I found his wife on Facebook. And I'm really tempted to message her to tell her what he's been doing behind her back. But I know that that's probably not a good idea. I don't know. I'm so torn! Halp meh. 
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Re: I'm back! And I need advice.

  • Can't wait for pics! 

    Regarding the wife, don't do it.  I would just run far, far away from that mess!





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  • Stay far, far, far away from this.  Really, don't say anything.

  • TBH, I'd tell the wife what happened.  Maybe she has no idea about any of this and she deserves to know.  Perhaps you could do it anonymously somehow? 
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  • How did you talk to the wife? Did you bring up them being separated, because that is pretty awkward if you did.

    Now if they were separated and never divorced, eh whatever. They have been married for years.

    The last name thing is super weird though. That's the part I'd be pissed about.

    If I were the wife, I'd probably want to know. But I don't know if I'd say anything if I were in your place.
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  • I had something similar happen to me. My XH started dating someone who apparently was married. Her DH found out and contacted me to tell me my H was cheating on me. Thankfully, I was already divorced so I really didn't care. I felt bad for the guy, but I also thought he was crazy for contacting me when he knew nothing about me or my marriage. I then had the pleasure of calling up my X and telling him to keep his drama to himself.

    So, bottom line, I would not get involved.

     







  • I feel like this could be an episode of Desperate Housewives! (NOT calling you a desperate housewife by any means! Just all the drama and crazy twists.) 

    Part of me thinks for the wife's sake, she deserves to know. I mean, wouldn't you want to know? But for your sake, I say don't get involved. It could open a whole huge can of worms for you and cause all kinds of trouble that you don't deserve to get wrapped up in. Save yourself the drama and just stay away. 
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    Ugh, I'm so sorry you're in this position. This is super shitty and it's really one of those "stuck between a rock and a hard place" situations where you don't win, no matter what. 

    First, I would also file a complaint, or call in to back up your coworker's complaint, and make absolutely sure there is a new delivery person. 

    As for telling his wife? Either way, you're going to be the bad guy. If you don't tell her, you run the risk of him doing this again (which he probably already is anyway) and her getting further and further into a relationship that is going to burn her in the end. If you do tell her, she could blame you for "making" him stray, which could lead to a whole world of other repercussions if she decides to trash your reputation to your company or social circle. Maybe it's an unpop op (and totally hypocritical, because I'd want to know if I were her) but I would not tell her. If you do, make sure you do it anonymously. 

    Consider this, also, though: they could have an open relationship. Maybe he tells women he's separated and uses a fake name to avoid women getting too attached. It's a long shot, sure, but it would explain his sketchiness and her insistence that they've been married for years and years and haven't separated. Or maybe she just didn't want you all up in their marital business and they really WERE separated. Or maybe, and this is the most likely situation, he's just a total fucking creep supreme. 
  • I would stay away from that mess especially since it might get back to people at work. Make sure you get a new delivery man though.

    One a  happier note, I can't wait to see your pictures!

  • I'd stay far, far away from this one. 
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  • How did you talk to the wife? Did you bring up them being separated, because that is pretty awkward if you did.

    Now if they were separated and never divorced, eh whatever. They have been married for years.

    The last name thing is super weird though. That's the part I'd be pissed about.

    If I were the wife, I'd probably want to know. But I don't know if I'd say anything if I were in your place.
    I was wondering about this too. How lengthy was this conversation that you know for sure they weren't separated? I can't imagine running into some colleague of H's and her saying "Hi, I'm John's wife Jane! We've been married for 14 years and have never been separated, nope not even for a minute! Happy happy!" OR "Hi, I'm John's wife Jane! We've been married for 14 years, except when we were separated for 3 months and it was totally cool if he banged chicks on the side! No big deal!" 

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  • Welcome back!

     

    I would be so so tempted to tell the wife. I would probably just stay out of it, though.

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  • I wouldn't say anything. That is creepy as balls, though.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • How did you talk to the wife? Did you bring up them being separated, because that is pretty awkward if you did.

    Now if they were separated and never divorced, eh whatever. They have been married for years.

    The last name thing is super weird though. That's the part I'd be pissed about.

    If I were the wife, I'd probably want to know. But I don't know if I'd say anything if I were in your place.
    We were at an Octoberfest event. Delivery guy said to his wife in front of me: Climbing just got married. And then she was all, Aww! Congrats. And I said thank you, and then I asked how long they've been married for. 
  • How did you talk to the wife? Did you bring up them being separated, because that is pretty awkward if you did.

    Now if they were separated and never divorced, eh whatever. They have been married for years.

    The last name thing is super weird though. That's the part I'd be pissed about.

    If I were the wife, I'd probably want to know. But I don't know if I'd say anything if I were in your place.
    We were at an Octoberfest event. Delivery guy said to his wife in front of me: Climbing just got married. And then she was all, Aww! Congrats. And I said thank you, and then I asked how long they've been married for. 
    Yeah the few times I was with a guy, broke up for a hot second, and got back together, I still counted the total time. I would never say "well, 6 months, then 2 weeks off, then a year since then." I'd say "about year and a half" because it's nobody's business if we broke up and then reconciled.

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  • gladyscfgladyscf member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    This is a no win situation.

    Take care of yourself at work only. You obviously have moved on from him because now you're married and we all can't wait for you to AW yourself!

    Seriously, requesting a new delivery guy should take care of it for you. Unless this sets him off and he does something crazy, I'd just let it go. As someone else said above, it'll catch up with him eventually. 

    ETF: Words are hard
    *msstaticfancypants*
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  • Lolo has a good point.  In college, I flirted with and went on a date with a guy who was on a break with his (then) girlfriend (now wife).  Our "relationship" lasted maybe a month and involved nothing more than hand-holding.  I'm sure if you asked them, they'd say they've been together since the very beginning and omit the part where I was the "dirty mistress." 

    (yes, she referred to me as that.  What a peach).
  • Bad people get away with stuff because good people who know about it "don't want to get involved." The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing.

    She deserves to know. He could expose her to STDs because he is likely a serial cheater. And frankly, if everyone he cheats with "doesn't want to get involved" then she may never find out until it is way too late.

    Like it or not, you are already involved in the situation. The only person who doesn't know that is the wife.
  • I stalked her FB page. There are many pictures of them together, including from the time he and I dated. Honestly, it doesn't look like they were ever separated. But you guys are right. I will not contact her and I'll stay out of it. 

    I'm still just in shock. 
  • How did you talk to the wife? Did you bring up them being separated, because that is pretty awkward if you did.

    Now if they were separated and never divorced, eh whatever. They have been married for years.

    The last name thing is super weird though. That's the part I'd be pissed about.

    If I were the wife, I'd probably want to know. But I don't know if I'd say anything if I were in your place.
    We were at an Octoberfest event. Delivery guy said to his wife in front of me: Climbing just got married. And then she was all, Aww! Congrats. And I said thank you, and then I asked how long they've been married for. 
    If you separated from your H for a few months and talked about divorce but then reconciled would you willingly offer up that information to a stranger you just met, or would you just say that you and your H have been together for X years?

  • I stalked her FB page. There are many pictures of them together, including from the time he and I dated. Honestly, it doesn't look like they were ever separated. But you guys are right. I will not contact her and I'll stay out of it. 

    I'm still just in shock. 
    Ah well that's a different story. What a creep.

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  • If it wasn't for the guy changing his name and stalking Climbing at her work, I would probably suggest finding a way to tell her.  The thing is, though ... he doesn't sound too stable nor trustworthy.  I would be scared for safety.
  • Lolo has a good point.  In college, I flirted with and went on a date with a guy who was on a break with his (then) girlfriend (now wife).  Our "relationship" lasted maybe a month and involved nothing more than hand-holding.  I'm sure if you asked them, they'd say they've been together since the very beginning and omit the part where I was the "dirty mistress." 

    (yes, she referred to me as that.  What a peach).
    Hee hee @sarahbear31's a dirty mistress!
    *msstaticfancypants*
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  • Incidentally these "should I tell?" issues come up all the time in Dear Abby (which I love to read).
    Dear Abby always says that the messenger gets shot and to stay out of it. It's rare that she'd say to get involved.  

    Ick, icky, ick. 
    ________________________________


  • gladyscf said:
    Lolo has a good point.  In college, I flirted with and went on a date with a guy who was on a break with his (then) girlfriend (now wife).  Our "relationship" lasted maybe a month and involved nothing more than hand-holding.  I'm sure if you asked them, they'd say they've been together since the very beginning and omit the part where I was the "dirty mistress." 

    (yes, she referred to me as that.  What a peach).
    Hee hee @sarahbear31's a dirty mistress!
    Damn straight.  It was hilarious because we went to a small college (like 2,500 undergrads).  So everyone knew everyone else.  The guy (I'll call him Bob) was (and is) a good stand-up guy.  I mean, nothing happened.  And they got back together.  But, I heard from people within our circle of friends that she was referring to me as such.  Those people didn't know it was actually me until I admitted it. 

    I used to work the front desk at the student center.  My roommate was talking to me and his girlfriend walked by.  My roommate said hi to her and she said hi back.  I said hi to her and she GROWLED at me. 

    Best part - when Bob graduated, he stayed at our college to work as a residential life advisor.  And I was an RA, so he was my boss.  He & I are still FB friends and I've seen him a few times when I would visit campus. 

    But yep - I was a dirty mistress. ;)
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