I'm back! And I need advice.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

STARMOON44 said:

I stalked her FB page. There are many pictures of them together, including from the time he and I dated. Honestly, it doesn't look like they were ever separated. But you guys are right. I will not contact her and I'll stay out of it.

I'm still just in shock.
Wha ?!?!!?! You're a newlywed. You should be wasting zero time on her Facebook page. Not your problem at all. Aside from your coworker requesting a different delivery guy there's zero reason for you to spend any time thinking about this.

QFT. Seriously just let this go.

gladyscf · October 2014

sarahbear31 said:

gladyscf said:

sarahbear31 said:

Lolo has a good point. In college, I flirted with and went on a date with a guy who was on a break with his (then) girlfriend (now wife). Our "relationship" lasted maybe a month and involved nothing more than hand-holding. I'm sure if you asked them, they'd say they've been together since the very beginning and omit the part where I was the "dirty mistress."

(yes, she referred to me as that. What a peach).

Hee hee @sarahbear31's a dirty mistress!

Damn straight. It was hilarious because we went to a small college (like 2,500 undergrads). So everyone knew everyone else. The guy (I'll call him Bob) was (and is) a good stand-up guy. I mean, nothing happened. And they got back together. But, I heard from people within our circle of friends that she was referring to me as such. Those people didn't know it was actually me until I admitted it.

I used to work the front desk at the student center. My roommate was talking to me and his girlfriend walked by. My roommate said hi to her and she said hi back. I said hi to her and she GROWLED at me.

Best part - when Bob graduated, he stayed at our college to work as a residential life advisor. And I was an RA, so he was my boss. He & I are still FB friends and I've seen him a few times when I would visit campus.

But yep - I was a dirty mistress.

You will forever be Dirty Mistress in my mind now.

You dirty, dirty hand holder you!

climbingsingle · October 2014

Maggie0829 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I stalked her FB page. There are many pictures of them together, including from the time he and I dated. Honestly, it doesn't look like they were ever separated. But you guys are right. I will not contact her and I'll stay out of it.

I'm still just in shock.
Wha ?!?!!?! You're a newlywed. You should be wasting zero time on her Facebook page. Not your problem at all. Aside from your coworker requesting a different delivery guy there's zero reason for you to spend any time thinking about this.

QFT. Seriously just let this go.

Ok. I will let it go. But guys. I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS. All of this came to light last night and today.

climbingsingle · October 2014

And once I found out his real last name, I was curious if I could find him or her on Facebook. Because I didn't want to believe that he lied to me. So I looked at her pictures.

doeydo · October 2014

littlemushroom said:

Bad people get away with stuff because good people who know about it "don't want to get involved." The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing. She deserves to know. He could expose her to STDs because he is likely a serial cheater. And frankly, if everyone he cheats with "doesn't want to get involved" then she may never find out until it is way too late. Like it or not, you are already involved in the situation. The only person who doesn't know that is the wife.

QFT.

princessofgenovia · October 2014

I was the "other woman" once. I had no idea. I was dating this guy, and by dating I mean sleeping with and occassionaly we'd have food afterwards, and had no freaking clue he was married. Until he came into my work one day with his wife on his arm. Well damn.

So I did the "right thing" and told her, via email, all about our affair. Girlfriend lost her shit on me! I was a liar, a whore, it wasn't an affair, and she said her husband was allowed one night stands when either of them traveled but not full on relationships like I was saying we had so clearly I was just a lying whore trying to ruin her marriage and get money.

And after that I've kept my nose firmly out of other people's relationships. Hell she might know he did the dirty with some girls and be fine with it. Or she might not. But chances are she isn't going to react in a positive manner.

Now if you have any kind of STD you believe you got from her husband, sing like a fucking cannery because that puts her health at risk. But if not, mums the word.

princessofgenovia · October 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

And once I found out his real last name, I was curious if I could find him or her on Facebook. Because I didn't want to believe that he lied to me. So I looked at her pictures.

I would totally do the exact same thing. I Facebook stalk everyone. If I know your first and last name I'm gonna try to find you on the internet. I'm going to do nothing with the information and will probably forget it. But I'm gonna find you.

pinkcow13 · October 2014

That is all kinds of crazy. IDK. It's a crappy situation all around. The thing is though, it sounds like this guy is a serial cheater. As a result, he is probably a very convincing individual who has all sorts of lies and alibis up his sleeve. His wife definitely deserves to know the truth about her husband, but would she believe you if you told her? He would probably flip this around and turn it on you, saying you were some crazy stalker, and they may even try to sabotage you at work. Not worth it. It sucks for her, but unless he is still actively pursing a relationship with you, or calling and harassing you, I think it would be best to let it go.

I get where you're coming from with the stalking the FB pages, I am the same way. I'm just a curious and nosy person by nature, so I would be doing the same thing. Now that you got it out of your system though, leave it in the past and move on. And another thing to consider - maybe his wife knows about his cheating ways, and is choosing to ignore it, or feels that it anyone else in her husbands life is just a fling or 5 minute mistress. Some women are like that.

I was actually thinking about you today, and wondering when you'd be back. Now AW those pics!!

WinstonsGirl · October 2014

Keep out if it. You're fucked either way. My good friend's brother tried to hit on me one night, while his wife was downstairs in the kitchen. He was kinda shocked I wasn't interested in banging a married guy. Go figure. Anyway, people told me she either knows and doesn't want to acknowledge it, or she'll know pretty quick, but if I bring it up, I'm just trying to steal him, or wreck their relationship, etc. Not worth the trouble to you

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

Meh, I can go both ways on this.

I was in a relationship with a guy where people "didn't want to get involved" and I was totally clueless. MF was cheating on me constantly and I was the only one who didn't know. Finally someone told me and I ended it. So I can see the "well, would YOU want to know?" side of it. Yup, I'd want to know!

But I see what everyone else is saying about not getting involved. Especially because it involves your job in some way shape or form - yes, even though you'll get a new delivery guy. And because you might get some crazy lady who calls you a dirty, hand-holding mistress or tells you her husband is allowed to have one night stands. Who knows what she'll do - and is it worth it?

Whatever you decide, either do it or don't and then forget about it. You're in the thick of newlywed territory. Enjoy it!

climbingsingle · October 2014

Thanks for the advice everyone!

hellohkb · October 2014

Do not say anything to her. Do not get wrapped up in his mess

I will say this- There is a good chance she knows he cheated on her with someone and just wants to cover it up and make it seem like they have a great relationship by saying they have been together for "years and years". I know people who do this, and she may not be much different. You never know, but just a thought.

ohannabelle · October 2014

I would have looked at their FB pages as well. Hell, yes.

But given that he's already said things to your co-worker, he's also said things to his wife. Because I've been that wife, I will bet you 100 bucks that I know the story, or something very close to it.

After they walked away from you, his wife said, "Who was that woman, and why was she acting so odd?"

And he said, "Oh my God. Remember when I told you about her? The psycho hose bitch from Company ABC?"

Wife says, no, she doesn't remember.

He says, "Oh, yeah, I told you, but you were drunk/distracted/not listening" or "oh! I thought I told you, or "I was going to tell you but there was no reason to upset you." Take your pick.

He will then follow with a story of how you are some psycho broad that got a crush on him and followed him around and stalked him and tried to get him to screw you, but he nobly said no, I'm a married man and I love my beautiful wife, and you went crazy and threatened to destroy his happy life and ruin his reputation and lie to his wife, and everyone at your work already knows this about you, and if you ever come near her or try to contact her she should just hang up and tell him immediately. You're twisted with jealousy, and he's worried. What if you hurt the baby?

He's probably planted a similar story with your co-worker, hoping it would spread.

That's how evil fuckers like this operate. His wife is probably afraid of you.

Kauris · October 2014

@ohannabelle is spot fuckin on with her answer. I dated a guy for 5 years that did this exact thing to me.

I wouldn't say anything because I would also be very concerned for my work reputation since he clearly had no problem trying to slander you to your work friend. But yes, I still totally would have FB stalked them.

JennyColada · October 2014

If some random stranger emailed you saying that your DH was dating her and lying to you, would you automatically believe this girl and leave lying DH?

...or would you think she's BSC and tell her to get the fuck away from you?

KatieinBkln · October 2014

ohannabelle said:

I would have looked at their FB pages as well. Hell, yes.

But given that he's already said things to your co-worker, he's also said things to his wife. Because I've been that wife, I will bet you 100 bucks that I know the story, or something very close to it.

After they walked away from you, his wife said, "Who was that woman, and why was she acting so odd?"
And he said, "Oh my God. Remember when I told you about her? The psycho hose bitch from Company ABC?"
Wife says, no, she doesn't remember.
He says, "Oh, yeah, I told you, but you were drunk/distracted/not listening" or "oh! I thought I told you, or "I was going to tell you but there was no reason to upset you." Take your pick.

He will then follow with a story of how you are some psycho broad that got a crush on him and followed him around and stalked him and tried to get him to screw you, but he nobly said no, I'm a married man and I love my beautiful wife, and you went crazy and threatened to destroy his happy life and ruin his reputation and lie to his wife, and everyone at your work already knows this about you, and if you ever come near her or try to contact her she should just hang up and tell him immediately. You're twisted with jealousy, and he's worried. What if you hurt the baby?

He's probably planted a similar story with your co-worker, hoping it would spread.

That's how evil fuckers like this operate. His wife is probably afraid of you.

God, this didn't even occur to me but yes, this certainly sounds familiar from the various Gaslighting: An Emotional Abuse Story tales I've heard. Yeesh. I'm sorry anyone goes through that shit.

RebeccaB88 · October 2014

ohannabelle said:

I would have looked at their FB pages as well. Hell, yes.

But given that he's already said things to your co-worker, he's also said things to his wife. Because I've been that wife, I will bet you 100 bucks that I know the story, or something very close to it.

After they walked away from you, his wife said, "Who was that woman, and why was she acting so odd?"
And he said, "Oh my God. Remember when I told you about her? The psycho hose bitch from Company ABC?"
Wife says, no, she doesn't remember.
He says, "Oh, yeah, I told you, but you were drunk/distracted/not listening" or "oh! I thought I told you, or "I was going to tell you but there was no reason to upset you." Take your pick.

He will then follow with a story of how you are some psycho broad that got a crush on him and followed him around and stalked him and tried to get him to screw you, but he nobly said no, I'm a married man and I love my beautiful wife, and you went crazy and threatened to destroy his happy life and ruin his reputation and lie to his wife, and everyone at your work already knows this about you, and if you ever come near her or try to contact her she should just hang up and tell him immediately. You're twisted with jealousy, and he's worried. What if you hurt the baby?

He's probably planted a similar story with your co-worker, hoping it would spread.

That's how evil fuckers like this operate. His wife is probably afraid of you.

Yes. Because this was my ex.

larrygaga · October 2014

I would tell the wife because I would want to know. However, try to figure out a way to tell her without giving away who you are.

larrygaga · October 2014

doeydo said:

littlemushroom said:

Bad people get away with stuff because good people who know about it "don't want to get involved." The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing. She deserves to know. He could expose her to STDs because he is likely a serial cheater. And frankly, if everyone he cheats with "doesn't want to get involved" then she may never find out until it is way too late. Like it or not, you are already involved in the situation. The only person who doesn't know that is the wife.

QFT.

Double QFT

lurkergirl · October 2014

larrygaga said:

doeydo said:

littlemushroom said:

Bad people get away with stuff because good people who know about it "don't want to get involved." The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing. She deserves to know. He could expose her to STDs because he is likely a serial cheater. And frankly, if everyone he cheats with "doesn't want to get involved" then she may never find out until it is way too late. Like it or not, you are already involved in the situation. The only person who doesn't know that is the wife.

QFT.

Double QFT

See, I don't totally disagree with this sentiment, but we can't be sure that the wife doesn't already know. Most people, I think, put their best foot forward on facebook. So just looking at that and saying there isn't any evidence of a split is really kind of meaningless. For all we know, the wife is fully aware of everything and bringing it up would serve no purpose beyond stirring up drama and opening wounds. FWIW, I don't believe that is the likely scenario, but it is possible.

Also, if she had come on here and said, "My friend is being cheated on and I know but she doesn't. Do I say anything?" I would be way more inclined to say, "Yes, absolutely tell her and save her from that embarrassment/pain/potential health hazard."

In this case though, there just isn't enough information, so I really think doing nothing at all is the best thing to do.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

lurkergirl said:

larrygaga said:

doeydo said:

littlemushroom said:

Bad people get away with stuff because good people who know about it "don't want to get involved." The right thing to do isn't always the easy thing. She deserves to know. He could expose her to STDs because he is likely a serial cheater. And frankly, if everyone he cheats with "doesn't want to get involved" then she may never find out until it is way too late. Like it or not, you are already involved in the situation. The only person who doesn't know that is the wife.

QFT.

Double QFT

See, I don't totally disagree with this sentiment, but we can't be sure that the wife doesn't already know. Most people, I think, put their best foot forward on facebook. So just looking at that and saying there isn't any evidence of a split is really kind of meaningless. For all we know, the wife is fully aware of everything and bringing it up would serve no purpose beyond stirring up drama and opening wounds. FWIW, I don't believe that is the likely scenario, but it is possible.

Also, if she had come on here and said, "My friend is being cheated on and I know but she doesn't. Do I say anything?" I would be way more inclined to say, "Yes, absolutely tell her and save her from that embarrassment/pain/potential health hazard."

In this case though, there just isn't enough information, so I really think doing nothing at all is the best thing to do.

In addition to this, I feel like this is like victim blaming's dirty step-cousin. Climbing was completely in the dark when it all happened - she had no reason to think this guy was cheating. To play the whole "if he gives his wife an STD it's Climbing's fault for not ratting him out" is BS to me. No, if he gives his wife an STD the fault lies completely with him for being a dirtbag.

I just don't think the cost/benefit pans out for this. There's a lot of risk to Climbing professionally, we don't know if this is even anything the wife doesn't already know about (or would care to know about, if they were split up and "on a break" but maintaining a good show for family/FB), and she's not responsible for this guy's actions.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

This whole thread is making me think:

Sugargirl1019 · October 2014

This is fascinating.. In a horror movie way. I'm sorry you found this out and that it's laying on your heart so soon after marriage.

hellohkb · October 2014

@lurkergirl Exactly. We do not know for sure if she doesn't know.

FI and I have cheated on each other very early on in our relationship 7 years ago. We don't blast it on facebook after all this time and we don't consider ourselves to have ever broken up. The same could be said for this couple. *shrug*

raissyrais · October 2014

Dear lord I thought my eyes would pop out of my head after reading that! It is so so so tempting isn't it. Argh, I'm a bitch. A bad bad bitch and I would really want to send the message too but it's true, it's probably better not to attempt anything. Don't worry, Karma is the baddest bitch and something will happen to that dude. Like, his tiny little balls are gonna fall off or something. Just wait and see.

I'm back! And I need advice.

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