Bridal Shower vs. Wedding Invites

spunkelise · October 2014

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

Yes, it would. Anyone invited to pre-wedding events (ESPECIALLY gift giving events, like a bridal shower), should be invited to the wedding.

If you did this, the translation is basically, "Hi Aunt Milly, please come shower me with presents, but you're not actually invited to the main event. We're happy to accept gifts, but not willing to pay to host you at the wedding."

There's a lot you can do to shift your wedding plans in order to accommodate a larger guest list:

Have your wedding at a non-meal time. That way you don't have to serve a meal (this is often the single largest cost of a wedding) and you only need to serve light refreshments/cake & punch.
Have your wedding in a public park instead of a banquet hall.
Have a dry wedding.
Cut back on unnecessary things like: flowers, limo, personal accessories, getting hair/make-up done, photo booth, decor, programs, favors..... etc.

ShesSoCold · October 2014

^^^^^ what she said.

If you really want to celebrate "this amazing occasion" with these people, then invite them to the occasion. Inviting them to buy you something, then sit around and watch you open gifts and talk about the wedding that they're not invited to is tacky and rude.

@southernbelle0915 gave good budget advice. There is also a budget board to help you further if you decide to go that route.

Just please don't ask your shower hosts (because you would not host your own shower) to invite guests that are not on your wedding guestlist.

Maggie0829 · October 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

But you really wouldn't be celebrating this "amazing occasion" with them. The amazing occasion is your wedding, not your bridal shower. An invite to your bridal shower is not a suitable consolation prize for not being invited to your wedding.

KatWAG · October 2014

Everything Southern said.

If you want to see your extended family, do it after the wedding when its clear that it is not part of the wedding, thus not a gift giving occassion.

And to be clear, you are not hosting your own shower, correct?

jenijoyk · October 2014

Don't do it! All of those people are going to be totally confused and assume they are invited to the wedding. At the shower they are all going to tell you how excited they are to come to your wedding (that they are not invited to). They are going to ask you all sorts of questions about when and where it is, and what your dress looks like, and who your bridesmaids are, and you are what? Going to try to politely change the subject from your wedding, at your own wedding shower? You'll have to sit there, super awkward, take their present out of their hands, and say, "Actually.... you're not invited. But thank you for this beautiful toaster."

After the shower, you're going to have to deal with them all calling you or your parents inquiring about their invitations. You, or your parents, are then going to have to awkwardly tell them: "Actually..... I get why you think you're invited, but really, you're not." So awkward!!!

FutureMrsMerati · October 2014

I had a slightly different situation where my MIL was throwing a shower for me because they live several states away from my parents. She went ahead and, despite my request not to, invited MANY guests who were definitely not invited to the wedding. These guests knew that already as the save the dates had gone out months before.

Everyone ended up having a great time and, although I was super nervous beforehand, I really enjoyed meeting their friends who I knew wouldn't be at our wedding. I was not aware that anyone was unhappy, not to say that something wasn't said behind my MIL's back unbeknownst to me about her poor etiquette and bad manners. Despite really loving meeting all of their friends, I still cringe every time I think about that shower. Although I know it is not a direct reflection on me because I wasn't the one planning it, I really and truly feel so embarrassed about the whole thing, several months later.

Knottie44896106 · October 2014

I think if you are trying to pay attention to your budget, you should pay attention to theirs too. If you can't find a way to invite them to the wedding, you shouldn't ask them to find a way to stretch their budget into giving you a gift.

ShesSoCold · October 2014

Knottie44896106 said:

I think if you are trying to pay attention to your budget, you should pay attention to theirs too. If you can't find a way to invite them to the wedding, you shouldn't ask them to find a way to stretch their budget into giving you a gift.

Love this! Good point!

spunkelise · October 2014

I see what you are all saying. My budget is already set and the wedding is planned. Most of my extended family is on my B list so there is a possibility they can make it. I've already cut a lot of the "fancy" frills so unfortunately the wedding is what it is at this point.
I am not hosting my own shower, but I wanted some additional input to relay to my MOH.
Thank you all for the input. It makes perfect sense to me now. I guess I wasn't thinking about how awkward it could be.

MobKaz · October 2014

spunkelise said:

I see what you are all saying. My budget is already set and the wedding is planned. Most of my extended family is on my B list so there is a possibility they can make it. I've already cut a lot of the "fancy" frills so unfortunately the wedding is what it is at this point. I am not hosting my own shower, but I wanted some additional input to relay to my MOH. Thank you all for the input. It makes perfect sense to me now. I guess I wasn't thinking about how awkward it could be.

While on the subject of etiquette, nothing is more awkward and against etiquette than a B list.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

MobKaz said:

spunkelise said:

I see what you are all saying. My budget is already set and the wedding is planned. Most of my extended family is on my B list so there is a possibility they can make it. I've already cut a lot of the "fancy" frills so unfortunately the wedding is what it is at this point. I am not hosting my own shower, but I wanted some additional input to relay to my MOH. Thank you all for the input. It makes perfect sense to me now. I guess I wasn't thinking about how awkward it could be.

While on the subject of etiquette, nothing is more awkward and against etiquette than a B list.

No, none of your extended family is on your B list, because you don't have a B list. Please toss that. It's incredibly rude. The only people who can properly be on your B list are Plus Ones for truly single friends. i.e. Stephanie is single, not dating anyone at all. You get a couple declines and can call Steph up and tell her, "hey, some space opened up on my list, if you want to bring a friend (or your mom, or your brother, or your hot personal trainer) you can." B-listing anybody else is just incredibly incredibly rude.

spunkelise · October 2014

I sure love how I can get constructive advice on this website without people being rude and judgemental.

chibiyui · October 2014

spunkelise said:

I sure love how I can get constructive advice on this website without people being rude and judgemental.

chibiyui · October 2014

By the by, none of the replies were rude or judgmental. Everyone was critical but nice to you.

beethery · October 2014

You asked for input, and you got it. Whether or not you can handle the critique you asked for is aaaallll on you.

slothiegal · October 2014

chibiyui said:

spunkelise said:

I sure love how I can get constructive advice on this website without people being rude and judgemental.

Gurl you be moppin' my go-to image!?

Ahem. I'm wide awake (guess who decided to have coffee at 7 PM!?!) so I'll play. OP, who was "rude and judgmental"? Please point me in the direction, as I seem to be missing it, with my old married hag eyes.

AddieCake · October 2014

Sometimes people do and say things that deserve judgment. Inviting people to a shower and not to the wedding and B-listing guests qualify. SorryNotSorry. And nobody was rude to you.

Viczaesar · October 2014

spunkelise said:

I sure love how I can get constructive advice on this website without people being rude and judgemental.

I know, right? We're so awesome! You're welcome.

CMGragain · October 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

You asked this question. We answered. YES, IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE! Sorry that you can't handle the truth.
You planned your wedding backwards. You should have started with your budget and a guest list. Instead, you selected a venue and time of day that cannot accommodate your guest list, and now you are trying to make excuses. This one is on you.

LondonLisa · October 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

If you would like to celebrate with them, you need to figure out a way to invite them to your wedding, such as cutting centrepieces, lowering your photo package, or changing your food choices.

How would you feel if I invited you to a pre-birthday party to celebrate the amazing occasion of my birthday, where you have to spend time, money and effort getting me a gift, and then I turn around and say "Sorry, budget reasons means I can't invite you to the actual party, but thanks for the gift!".

weddingcactus · October 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

I would be incredibly offended if a friend or family member invited me to a bridal shower and not to the wedding. A bridal shower's purpose is to shower the bride with gifts. That's the whole point. So you'd essentially be saying to these friends and family members "You weren't close enough to me to make the cut due to budget reasons, so you're not invited to celebrate my wedding. However, you are close enough to be asked to shower me with gifts." That is incredibly rude and hurtful. Most people have to make guest list cuts to manage budget (or other sacrifices - such as venue or wedding dress or whatever). We each live with the choice we make and do our best to be kind to others. So please, don't invite people to the bridal shower that are not invited to the wedding.

Jen4948 · November 2014

spunkelise said:

Everything I have read so far says that it is horrible etiquette to invite people to your bridal shower who are not invited to your wedding. I am having a hard time with this for the simple reason that I had to cut some of my extended family members and friends from my wedding guest list due to budget reasons. I would still like to celebrate this amazing occasion with them and I feel at the bridal shower is a great way to have them involved, if they would like to be, without them being at the wedding.

I guess my question is, would it really be all that terrible to invite these family members and friends to my shower even though they are not invited to the wedding?

Yes.

Unfortunately, sometimes it's necessary to accept that not every occasion can be an all-inclusive, shall we say-that is, sometimes it's not possible to "include" and celebrate with everyone we'd like to. This is such a time.

And when it comes to any event that involves gifts, especially weddings and showers, it's never appropriate to invite someone to give you a gift when you're not inviting them to the underlying event that the gift-giving occasion is about.

It's okay to want to celebrate with loved ones who aren't invited to the wedding later on, but in order for that to pass etiquette muster, it must be clear that this an an entirely separate event from the wedding itself. In order to do that, it needs to:

1) Not be labeled a "shower" or convey any gift-giving expectations
2) Not be labeled a "wedding" or "wedding reception" (those are taking place at a different time)
3) Not have certain wedding trappings (cake, first dances, wedding party, registries, big white dress)

But provided those conditions are in place, you can celebrate to your heart's content.

[Deleted User] · November 2014

I'll give this to you from the point of view if I were a guest. If I get an invite to a shower, I know the invite to the wedding should already be there or coming shortly bedending on the timing of the shower to when the wedding is coming. To me the shower is all about giving giftss all about showering the bride with gifts, you aren't celebrating really "the big day" yet. The wedding is when you celebrate the joyous occasion with everyone. Yes,hopefully you'll get more gifts, but the wedding day is the day that is about celebrating the couple & the event. That being said, if I got invited to only a bridal shower & not the wedding itself I would feel like I wasn't important enough to cost you any money to host me at the reception but good enough to ask me for a gift at the shower.

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